Welcome to the hellmouth! In a mere matter of hours, a situation we once thought impossible will begin unfolding before our very eyes: Donald Trump will become the 45th President of the United States of America. We anticipate widespread dysentery, chronic depression and quite possibly the heat death of the universe.
Riese and Erin will be live-blogging this atrocity for you so that you can put your television set on a different channel.
FORENSIC FILES MARATHON ON HLN
Hi it’s Riese. Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews are talking about nepotism as Trump’s children march in the parade.
It’s raining and a bunch of cars are moving very slowly while also a bunch of men walk very slowly next to the slowly-moving cars.
Ah yes, things look in order to me. Bigly impressed.
Oh good, now actual redcoats are marching by while playing the flute. This isn’t antiquated at all! Everything we need for modern times is right here, right now.
MSNBC has just taken to showing aerial shots of D.C. because the shots from the ground are way too much. Rachel Maddow has let us know that it’s only rained in three other inauguration ceremonies: FDR in 1937, Nixon in 1969, and Bush in 2001. Nothing weird or bad happened to the world/our country soon after any of those inaugurations, right?
Paul Ryan is so f’ing jazzed to honor Mike Pence. Paul Ryan has quoted Mike Pence’s favorite author with the line, “As long as you have life and breath, believe.” In hate!
Trump takes the stand and says, “I don’t think anybody wants to hear me speak anymore today,” and he’ll never be more right in the next four years than he is right now.
Trump looks so bored, and knowing that he has to have these kinds of luncheons, dinners, and meetings for the next four years and can’t leave them even if he wants to is the only silver lining here.
We’re back at the congressional luncheon and someone’s honoring Mike Pence with an American Flag. Life is meaningless.
Reporters keep saying the inauguration parade is due to start soon from The Capitol, but if I were on Trump’s team I think I’d peak at the timeline and make an executive decision to skip a drive through what looks to be a military training zone.
Great news! Esquire reports that the pages for civil rights, climate change, and healthcare have all been removed from the White House website not even an hour into Trump’s presidency. Is everyone in your family who was like, “You shouldn’t be that worried about this,” feeling okay today?
This is the first time I’ve seen a commercial and it actually shocked me. I guess I sort of assumed that the rest of our lives would consist on nonstop coverage of this. But no, we still get to be flooded with ads that make us worry if our teeth are white and straight enough.
Oop, we’re back to the riots and MSNBC reporters have managed to score interviews from Bikers For Trump.
One said, “He’s patriotic, we’re patriots, and he speaks for us.” Another said, “Happy Trump Day,” and, “He’s not divisive.” Why not, right? I’m just going to start saying things that are clearly the opposite of what’s actually happening and see how gaslighting my way through life goes for me. Look at how wild that woman in the red hat looks. She’s got absolutely nothing to lose and if you think I’d ever get on a bike with her, you’re wrong.
At least 95 protesters have been arrested in D.C. at this point. How many other inaugurations have IMMEDIATELY resulted in mass riots and arrests? Just curious.
Also, my dog will not come in the living room area. He has never once laid on this rug and now he won’t leave it.
Stef suggested I tell him it was the electoral college’s fault, but somehow I’m not sure this is going to do the trick.
Here’s a cool wrap up from Trump’s speech:
Words Donald Trump said for the first time in any U.S. inaugural address pic.twitter.com/35FAQMgktj
— Post Graphics (@PostGraphics) January 20, 2017
Live feed from downtown Washington D.C. close to the Washington Post building and there are police are responding to rioters with pepper spray. It sounds like bombs (apparently they’re “flash grenades” which is much more reassuring) are going off and people are running and screaming. Is this life now?
A pastor who sounds exactly like James Earl Jones is saying a prayer for the congressional luncheon and part of the prayer went, “We have nothing to fear,” and HAND TO G-D Donald Trump looked up for the split second and was like, “Ummm.”
Another thing I like about Trump is how he never knows when a prayer is finished. He either looks up way too early or way too late, and that’s because 1) he is 100% not listening and 2) he’s never prayed in his entire life. I suggested earlier that Trump should have been asked to say the Our Father from start to finish without help and if he couldn’t do it he couldn’t be sworn in, not because I think that should be mandatory for the presidency, but because he’s so bad at pretending like he’s at all religious and I want to call his bluff.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.”
Everything after that went silent until I heard Rachel Maddow say minutes later, “We’ll get through it as a people.”
Someone just suggested Trump create a secret Twitter so that when he gets upset (every day, all hours of the day) he can type and type and type into the void without consequences. Sarah and I agree this, unfortunately, is a really solid idea.
They’re toggling between shots of the crowd getting ready for the presidential luncheon and Trump passing out the pens he uses to sign his orders and a woman on MSNBC is like WHO CARES ABOUT THE PENS, and that woman is me. I’m choosing instead to watch Sarah Sarwar eat a croissant next to me while she pets my dog because it’s seems like the only pure thing that exists now.
Someone just had to remind Donald Trump to put the cap back on the pen so he doesn’t stain his shirt. This man is in charge of an entire country.
On the left, live feed of Donald Trump signing in things like formal nominations of his cabinet members and a day of “National Patriotism,” and the right, a visual representation of the last time we know stability.
Barack and Michelle are standing in front of a crowd at Joint Base Andrews while the anthem plays and if this isn’t the start of a 24 hour standing ovation we have failed them. They have both given us so much, and the way until the very end. Look at Michelle reacting as a nation for us not even an hour ago:
We are all Michelle pic.twitter.com/DjPGWcdtoC
— Yung Buñuelo (@PovediitzBDL) January 20, 2017
As the Obamas arrive at Joint Base Andrews, analysts are still covering Trump’s chill speech about crime, drugs, and gangs. One woman just said, “We should stop expecting Trump to pivot to normal,” which is a sentiment that most presidents have inspired. Since the beginning of our nation people have been saying over and over, “Look, our new president isn’t normal and we should stop expecting him to be.”
Look, we haven’t gone anywhere, I’ve just been screaming for a solid ten minutes. My dog is scared/scared of me right now and he’s left the room. Joe Biden just gave a thumbs up to the camera and that will likely be the last time we see that for a long time. Instead, we get to see Mike Pence, I don’t know, try to shake someone’s hand and caress their wrist instead.
There go our heroes. Watch them as they go.
Trump is headed to a “no camera” lunch so he can meet with people who actually know how to run a presidency. In the meantime, don’t you want to read a transcript of Trump’s entire inaugural speech?
Former President Barack Obama (FUUUUHHHH) is being led to a helicopter to be taken away. He just kissed Michelle’s hand and I’m as sad as she looks.
Erin here. Every single MSNBC reporter summary of President Trump’s first speech to America is “WOW THAT WAS UNNECESSARILY DARK.” One pointed out that these speeches are typically meant to heal the nation, and this one seemed to instill the same fears he fed on in his campaign. Here’s how one woman and I feel right now:
she's my new president now, i don't care what the laws say pic.twitter.com/v4C7dH6wxX
— Chai Goth (@Abid_ism) January 20, 2017
Well, we have ushered in all the horsemen of the apocalypse! Good job, America.
Jackie Evancho, runner-up on from a reality TV show, is singing the National Anthem. Remember when Beyonce performed at Obama’s inauguration?
Bishop Wayne T. Jackson is delivering a benediction.
Meanwhile, Cooper (Erin’s dog) has gone to lie down on the other side of the couch so he can’t see the television. He has never laid over there before. He likes to be in here with us! WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Rev. Franklin Graham of the Billy Graham Evangelical Association just claimed that G-d made it start raining when Trump got sworn in as a blessing. OKAY.
Rabbi Marvin Hier is delivering a benediction.
Donald Trump says that whether you live in Detroit or Nebraska, you all look at the same sky and bleed red blood. You will never be ignored again! Together, we will make America strong again! We will make America wealthy again! We will make America safe again!
Donald Trump has promised that we will debate our issues openly and that G-d will protect us. Furthermore, we’ll stop CONSTANTLY COMPLAINING and start taking action. “The time for empty talk is over,” says Twitter icon Donald J Trump.
Also we will unlock the mysteries of space. Yup.
Shout-out to Radical Islamist Terrorism, which Trump will eradicate.
Hi it’s Riese again because Erin’s computer is from the Reagan era and not updating quickly enough for the fast pace of Trump’s speech.
It's a grandiose shit speech. American first America first American he threatens the horrified planet.
— Eileen Myles (@EileenMyles) January 20, 2017
Erin has pointed out that this “America First” philosophy will be a big break from former American policy, in which we definitely have never put America “first.”
Trump wants to build new:
Donald Trump says that from this day forward, it’s going to be “America First. America First. America First.” This is his decree. “Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families.” He said we must protect our borders from being RAVAGED by other countries. What the fresh hell.
Donald Trump’s cabinet has a combined net worth of $14 billion, and he’s talking about how a small group of Washington elites have taken all the wealth from the people and now that he is president, he will give the money back to the people and to the middle class who have been ripped from their homes.
Erin here, reporting President Trump (PRESIDENT TRUMP) thanking all those that have come before him. He says he is transfering power from D.C. and giving it to us, the American people, the people who did not give him the popular vote. Thanks? He thanked Barack Obama for all he’s done and then very promptly said there’s been nothing to celebrate for the past eight years. Also, here’s this:
How about that Mormon Tabernacle Choir?
Big day for plaid. Lots of scarves. Wish that was a lesbian joke but it’s not. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.
“HE DOESN’T KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS. HE’S TRYING TO MOUTH ALONG TO THE WORDS AND HE DOESN’T KNOW THEM”
– Erin Sullivan, watching Donald Trump watch the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing “America the Beautiful.”
Clarence Thomas is swearing in Mike Pence. The “crowd” is cheering loudly. Just a reminder that Mike Pence hates all of us.
Here we go:
Fuck it’s happening
— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) January 20, 2017
Chuck Schumer is speaking now. He says he remains hopeful because of the American People and how wonderful we are. I think Bill Clinton is on the verge of tears (SAME).
Here’s a good idea:
— kate lesniak (@KateLesniak) January 20, 2017
A choir of people from The University of Missouri are singing a song in hats and scarves while Donald Trump battles acid indigestion. Donald Trump just said something to Mike Pence and Mike Pence looked at him like I look at my Mom when she tries to loud-whisper at me during a movie in the movie theater.
Televangelist Pastor Paula White-Cain asked Jesus to grant Donald Trump the wisdom to lead our nation. FINGERS CROSSED!
“Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth,” Rev. Dr. Samuel Rodriguez has pointed out. Just a tip, Donald! JUST A TIP.
Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan, Rev. Dr. Samuel Rodriguez and Pastor Paula White-Cain are here to deliver invocations. Hopefully one of them will be G-D STRIKE US ALL WITH LIGHTNING WE HAVE FORESAKEN YOU. Is anybody doing the Mourner’s Kaddish.
Senator Roy Blunt, Inaugural Committee Chairman is delivering opening remarks.
I initially missed his name because I was concerned because Cooper, Erin’s dog, left the living room, which is weird because he always wants to be around us, which means he knows something is very wrong.
Here’s more info about protests!
Okay they just called Donald Trump the 45th President of the United States of America.
THIS A RITA ORA CONCERT OR WHAT pic.twitter.com/lg6kEspV3X
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) January 20, 2017
Hi it’s me Riese. They’re playing loud music to celebrate the moment we all turn into reptiles and dinosaurs rise from the earth.
OH NO OH NO IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Melania Trump is being escorted out in front of the crowd and the reception is… clapping.
The front of the capital awaits Barack freaking Obama and Joe Biden. POTUS IS BEING ANNOUNCED AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING SO PUMPED. Okay, not as wild a response as I was expecting. Barack and Joe are making their way through the crowd shaking hands as carnival music plays in the background and this may as well be a dream.
Well, bad things are already starting.
Washington Post reporter Dalton Bennett thrown to the ground by riot police. pic.twitter.com/4I442QhEqM
— Alex Emmons (@AlexanderEmmons) January 20, 2017
This picture is a force!!!
— CNN Breaking News (@cnnbrk) January 20, 2017
The Trump children completed the maze and have made it outside. MSNBC is discussing Barron Trump’s private school education which I’m choosing to interpreting as a neg on DeVos and her plan to make public school education to just be information you learn on the back of a Cheerios box.
Erin here. The Trump children are walking through hallways very slowly, and I have a feeling it’s to nowhere in particular. Just taking laps for no reason. Eric Trump is trying very hard not to laugh and be serious, because he’s still nine years old. Tiffany Trump was put first in line because I’m sure she’s sick and tired of being forgotten about.
Hillary Clinton looks great but Erin says I should not comment on her appearance.
This is a very “sparse crowd” says everybody.
Attitude Magazine says that protest groups around the world are hanging banners to make us feel better about ourselves. Here’s one on Vauxhalll Bridge in London:
BBC Breaking News is reporting that some protests have turned violent.
Something weird is happening with George’s face:
I'm here today to honor our democracy & its enduring values. I will never stop believing in our country & its future. #Inauguration
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) January 20, 2017
Michelle Obama and Melaina Trump are walking to their car to go witness the Closing Ceremonies of Humanity and the Sunset of Mankind. Michelle looks depressed and Melaina looks um…. tense.
They are followed by Mike Pence and Joe Biden, who I guess have to sit next to each other in a car right now? After the ceremony, Joe plans to take an Amtrak to Delaware. Aren’t we all, though.
This is what Kellyanne is wearing to battle the heteronormative patriarchy:
Hi, it’s Riese again, Erin is washing her face! According to MSNBC, protesters and the crowds in general are peaceful and calm, but Stef’s friend in DC says “there are cops in riot gear chasing protesters in dc and it’s getting sketchy out there.” Hm.
The Supreme Court justices are arriving. “Even when judges are dressed normally, they’re dressed weird,” says Rachel Maddow.
EXCUSE ME pic.twitter.com/FfGY3umXBg
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 20, 2017
Well, well, well, look who it is, Bernie Sanders. “Senate Sanders has on a sort of snowboard style parka here.” Of course he does, it’s Patagonia.
Things Riese and I have decided we’d rather be watching than this swearing in process: George H.W. Bush eating a meal in his hospital room, Bill Clinton practicing his saxophone badly, Hillary Clinton eating a Reese’s Cup, Joe Biden getting frustrated about not being able to find parking.
BILL AND HILLARY ARE HERE. Quick, get them to the VIP area and turn on some Pitbull, Hillary deserves this.
Obama and Michelle and the Trump and Melania just appeared at the top of a staircase together and Obama was open-mouth smiling so big he most definitely was doing that thing that happens in movies where someone is incorporating a cutting insult to the person next to them via a ventriloquist technique.
The most any MSNBC host can say about this is, “There are a lot of different kind of people in the hallways.” And what else can you say? Oh, there’s a congressman. Religious people and political people are here. This is like when things are really tense in a car and you just start reading the billboards out loud just to drown out your own thoughts.
Hi, it’s Erin. Riese has attempted to get me out of bed three times, and this time worked. Welcome to hell, I say aloud as I enter the room with the TV on where a headline reads on screen, “TRUMP HAS COFFEE WITH THE OBAMAS.” Normal thing to read in 2017, and a sentence I surely thought I’d read in my lifetime. Hopefully someone has a heart issue, not saying who, and someone forgot to pour the decaf.
The Obamas have a new website, isn’t that neat? Here’s what comes next for our nation:
So! Here’s some numbers for you:
- Trump’s approval rating is 44 percent, the lowest on record of any president on inauguration day
- 200 busses have applied for parking permits for today’s ceremonies. Obama’s 2009 inauguration saw 3,000 parking permit applications.
- 200,000 humans are expected to march in Washington tomorrow for the Women’s March and 1,200 buses have applied for parking permits. This will be the biggest protest tied to an inauguration in U.S. History.
- 65+ Congress members are boycotting the inauguration
There are already so many protesters in D.C. today that supporters are having trouble getting through. Good job, America!
Well, somebody’s ready and it’s not us!
It all begins today! I will see you at 11:00 A.M. for the swearing-in. THE MOVEMENT CONTINUES – THE WORK BEGINS!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 20, 2017
Presently, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are sitting in an enclosed space with Donald Trump and his wife, consuming coffee and perhaps a danish of some kind, chit-chatting about which alien life forms might come down in a spaceship and rescue humankind.
Then, they will transfer as a team into another enclosed space — this one will be a vehicle — to carpool down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol.
The swearing-in ceremony will begin at 11:30 AM, which means if anybody’s got any last-minute ideas for how to stop this from occurring, you’ve got one hour and 45 minutes to make it happen.