LIVEBLOG: Donald Trump’s Inauguration Is This Really Happening Oh No

Welcome to the hellmouth! In a mere matter of hours, a situation we once thought impossible will begin unfolding before our very eyes: Donald Trump will become the 45th President of the United States of America. We anticipate widespread dysentery, chronic depression and quite possibly the heat death of the universe.

Riese and Erin will be live-blogging this atrocity for you so that you can put your television set on a different channel.


5:27 PM

FORENSIC FILES MARATHON ON HLN


5:20 PM

Hi it’s Riese. Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews are talking about nepotism as Trump’s children march in the parade.


5:00 PM

BAGPIPES!


4:30 PM

It’s raining and a bunch of cars are moving very slowly while also a bunch of men walk very slowly next to the slowly-moving cars.


3:30 PM:

Ah yes, things look in order to me. Bigly impressed.

Oh good, now actual redcoats are marching by while playing the flute. This isn’t antiquated at all! Everything we need for modern times is right here, right now.


3:20 PM:

MSNBC has just taken to showing aerial shots of D.C. because the shots from the ground are way too much. Rachel Maddow has let us know that it’s only rained in three other inauguration ceremonies: FDR in 1937, Nixon in 1969, and Bush in 2001. Nothing weird or bad happened to the world/our country soon after any of those inaugurations, right?


2:57 PM:

Paul Ryan is so f’ing jazzed to honor Mike Pence. Paul Ryan has quoted Mike Pence’s favorite author with the line, “As long as you have life and breath, believe.” In hate!

Trump takes the stand and says, “I don’t think anybody wants to hear me speak anymore today,” and he’ll never be more right in the next four years than he is right now.


2:53 PM:

Trump looks so bored, and knowing that he has to have these kinds of luncheons, dinners, and meetings for the next four years and can’t leave them even if he wants to is the only silver lining here.


2:50 PM:

We’re back at the congressional luncheon and someone’s honoring Mike Pence with an American Flag. Life is meaningless.


2:45 PM:

Reporters keep saying the inauguration parade is due to start soon from The Capitol, but if I were on Trump’s team I think I’d peak at the timeline and make an executive decision to skip a drive through what looks to be a military training zone.


2:35 PM:

Great news! Esquire reports that the pages for civil rights, climate change, and healthcare have all been removed from the White House website not even an hour into Trump’s presidency. Is everyone in your family who was like, “You shouldn’t be that worried about this,” feeling okay today?


2:15 PM

This is the first time I’ve seen a commercial and it actually shocked me. I guess I sort of assumed that the rest of our lives would consist on nonstop coverage of this. But no, we still get to be flooded with ads that make us worry if our teeth are white and straight enough.

Oop, we’re back to the riots and MSNBC reporters have managed to score interviews from Bikers For Trump.

One said, “He’s patriotic, we’re patriots, and he speaks for us.” Another said, “Happy Trump Day,” and, “He’s not divisive.” Why not, right? I’m just going to start saying things that are clearly the opposite of what’s actually happening and see how gaslighting my way through life goes for me. Look at how wild that woman in the red hat looks. She’s got absolutely nothing to lose and if you think I’d ever get on a bike with her, you’re wrong.


2:05 PM:

At least 95 protesters have been arrested in D.C. at this point. How many other inaugurations have IMMEDIATELY resulted in mass riots and arrests? Just curious.

Also, my dog will not come in the living room area. He has never once laid on this rug and now he won’t leave it.

Stef suggested I tell him it was the electoral college’s fault, but somehow I’m not sure this is going to do the trick.


1:58 PM:

Here’s a cool wrap up from Trump’s speech:


1:50 PM:

Live feed from downtown Washington D.C. close to the Washington Post building and there are police are responding to rioters with pepper spray. It sounds like bombs (apparently they’re “flash grenades” which is much more reassuring) are going off and people are running and screaming. Is this life now?


1:42 PM:

A pastor who sounds exactly like James Earl Jones is saying a prayer for the congressional luncheon and part of the prayer went, “We have nothing to fear,” and HAND TO G-D Donald Trump looked up for the split second and was like, “Ummm.”

Another thing I like about Trump is how he never knows when a prayer is finished. He either looks up way too early or way too late, and that’s because 1) he is 100% not listening and 2) he’s never prayed in his entire life. I suggested earlier that Trump should have been asked to say the Our Father from start to finish without help and if he couldn’t do it he couldn’t be sworn in, not because I think that should be mandatory for the presidency, but because he’s so bad at pretending like he’s at all religious and I want to call his bluff.


1:36 PM:

“Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.”

Everything after that went silent until I heard Rachel Maddow say minutes later, “We’ll get through it as a people.”


1:35 PM:

Someone just suggested Trump create a secret Twitter so that when he gets upset (every day, all hours of the day) he can type and type and type into the void without consequences. Sarah and I agree this, unfortunately, is a really solid idea.


1:27 PM:

They’re toggling between shots of the crowd getting ready for the presidential luncheon and Trump passing out the pens he uses to sign his orders and a woman on MSNBC is like WHO CARES ABOUT THE PENS, and that woman is me. I’m choosing instead to watch Sarah Sarwar eat a croissant next to me while she pets my dog because it’s seems like the only pure thing that exists now.


1:20 PM:

Someone just had to remind Donald Trump to put the cap back on the pen so he doesn’t stain his shirt. This man is in charge of an entire country.


1:15 PM:

On the left, live feed of Donald Trump signing in things like formal nominations of his cabinet members and a day of “National Patriotism,” and the right, a visual representation of the last time we know stability.


1:05 PM:

Barack and Michelle are standing in front of a crowd at Joint Base Andrews while the anthem plays and if this isn’t the start of a 24 hour standing ovation we have failed them. They have both given us so much, and the way until the very end. Look at Michelle reacting as a nation for us not even an hour ago:


12:56 PM:

As the Obamas arrive at Joint Base Andrews, analysts are still covering Trump’s chill speech about crime, drugs, and gangs. One woman just said, “We should stop expecting Trump to pivot to normal,” which is a sentiment that most presidents have inspired. Since the beginning of our nation people have been saying over and over, “Look, our new president isn’t normal and we should stop expecting him to be.”


12:52 PM:

Look, we haven’t gone anywhere, I’ve just been screaming for a solid ten minutes. My dog is scared/scared of me right now and he’s left the room. Joe Biden just gave a thumbs up to the camera and that will likely be the last time we see that for a long time. Instead, we get to see Mike Pence, I don’t know, try to shake someone’s hand and caress their wrist instead.


12:42 PM:

There go our heroes. Watch them as they go.

Trump is headed to a “no camera” lunch so he can meet with people who actually know how to run a presidency. In the meantime, don’t you want to read a transcript of Trump’s entire inaugural speech?


12:35 PM:

Former President Barack Obama (FUUUUHHHH) is being led to a helicopter to be taken away. He just kissed Michelle’s hand and I’m as sad as she looks.


12:31 PM:

Erin here. Every single MSNBC reporter summary of President Trump’s first speech to America is “WOW THAT WAS UNNECESSARILY DARK.” One pointed out that these speeches are typically meant to heal the nation, and this one seemed to instill the same fears he fed on in his campaign. Here’s how one woman and I feel right now:


12:28 PM:

Well, we have ushered in all the horsemen of the apocalypse! Good job, America.


12:26 PM:

Jackie Evancho, runner-up on from a reality TV show, is singing the National Anthem. Remember when Beyonce performed at Obama’s inauguration?


12:25 PM:

Bishop Wayne T. Jackson is delivering a benediction.

Meanwhile, Cooper (Erin’s dog) has gone to lie down on the other side of the couch so he can’t see the television. He has never laid over there before. He likes to be in here with us! WHAT IS HAPPENING.


12:22 PM:

Rev. Franklin Graham of the Billy Graham Evangelical Association just claimed that G-d made it start raining when Trump got sworn in as a blessing. OKAY.


12:20 PM:

Rabbi Marvin Hier is delivering a benediction.


12:18 PM:

Donald Trump says that whether you live in Detroit or Nebraska, you all look at the same sky and bleed red blood. You will never be ignored again! Together, we will make America strong again! We will make America wealthy again! We will make America safe again!


12:16 PM:

Donald Trump has promised that we will debate our issues openly and that G-d will protect us. Furthermore, we’ll stop CONSTANTLY COMPLAINING and start taking action. “The time for empty talk is over,” says Twitter icon Donald J Trump.

Also we will unlock the mysteries of space. Yup.

Shout-out to Radical Islamist Terrorism, which Trump will eradicate.


12:15 PM:

Hi it’s Riese again because Erin’s computer is from the Reagan era and not updating quickly enough for the fast pace of Trump’s speech.

Erin has pointed out that this “America First” philosophy will be a big break from former American policy, in which we definitely have never put America “first.”

Trump wants to build new:

  • tunnels
  • roads
  • railways
  • airports
  • sidewalks
  • highways
  • streets

12:10 PM:

Donald Trump says that from this day forward, it’s going to be “America First. America First. America First.” This is his decree. “Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families.” He said we must protect our borders from being RAVAGED by other countries. What the fresh hell.

Donald Trump’s cabinet has a combined net worth of $14 billion, and he’s talking about how a small group of Washington elites have taken all the wealth from the people and now that he is president, he will give the money back to the people and to the middle class who have been ripped from their homes.


12:07 PM:

Erin here, reporting President Trump (PRESIDENT TRUMP) thanking all those that have come before him. He says he is transfering power from D.C. and giving it to us, the American people, the people who did not give him the popular vote. Thanks? He thanked Barack Obama for all he’s done and then very promptly said there’s been nothing to celebrate for the past eight years. Also, here’s this:


12:05 PM:

The End.


12:00 PM:

How about that Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

Big day for plaid. Lots of scarves. Wish that was a lesbian joke but it’s not. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.

“HE DOESN’T KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS. HE’S TRYING TO MOUTH ALONG TO THE WORDS AND HE DOESN’T KNOW THEM”

– Erin Sullivan, watching Donald Trump watch the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing “America the Beautiful.”


11:55 AM:

Clarence Thomas is swearing in Mike Pence. The “crowd” is cheering loudly. Just a reminder that Mike Pence hates all of us.

Here we go:


11:50 AM:

Chuck Schumer is speaking now. He says he remains hopeful because of the American People and how wonderful we are. I think Bill Clinton is on the verge of tears (SAME).

Here’s a good idea:


11:45 AM:

A choir of people from The University of Missouri are singing a song in hats and scarves while Donald Trump battles acid indigestion. Donald Trump just said something to Mike Pence and Mike Pence looked at him like I look at my Mom when she tries to loud-whisper at me during a movie in the movie theater.

Televangelist Pastor Paula White-Cain asked Jesus to grant Donald Trump the wisdom to lead our nation. FINGERS CROSSED!


11:40 AM:

“Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth,” Rev. Dr. Samuel Rodriguez has pointed out. Just a tip, Donald! JUST A TIP.


11:37 AM:

Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan, Rev. Dr. Samuel Rodriguez and Pastor Paula White-Cain are here to deliver invocations. Hopefully one of them will be G-D STRIKE US ALL WITH LIGHTNING WE HAVE FORESAKEN YOU. Is anybody doing the Mourner’s Kaddish.


11:35 AM:

Senator Roy Blunt, Inaugural Committee Chairman is delivering opening remarks.

I initially missed his name because I was concerned because Cooper, Erin’s dog, left the living room, which is weird because he always wants to be around us, which means he knows something is very wrong.

Here’s more info about protests!

Okay they just called Donald Trump the 45th President of the United States of America.

SAME



11:30 AM:

Hi it’s me Riese. They’re playing loud music to celebrate the moment we all turn into reptiles and dinosaurs rise from the earth.

OH NO OH NO IT’S REALLY HAPPENING


11:25 AM:

Melania Trump is being escorted out in front of the crowd and the reception is… clapping.

The front of the capital awaits Barack freaking Obama and Joe Biden. POTUS IS BEING ANNOUNCED AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING SO PUMPED. Okay, not as wild a response as I was expecting. Barack and Joe are making their way through the crowd shaking hands as carnival music plays in the background and this may as well be a dream.


11:20 AM:

Well, bad things are already starting.


11:15 AM:

This picture is a force!!!


11:10 AM:

The Trump children completed the maze and have made it outside. MSNBC is discussing Barron Trump’s private school education which I’m choosing to interpreting as a neg on DeVos and her plan to make public school education to just be information you learn on the back of a Cheerios box.


11:05 AM:

Erin here. The Trump children are walking through hallways very slowly, and I have a feeling it’s to nowhere in particular. Just taking laps for no reason. Eric Trump is trying very hard not to laugh and be serious, because he’s still nine years old. Tiffany Trump was put first in line because I’m sure she’s sick and tired of being forgotten about.


11:00 AM:

Hillary Clinton looks great but Erin says I should not comment on her appearance.

This is a very “sparse crowd” says everybody.

Attitude Magazine says that protest groups around the world are hanging banners to make us feel better about ourselves. Here’s one on Vauxhalll Bridge in London:


10:55 AM:

BBC Breaking News is reporting that some protests have turned violent.

Something weird is happening with George’s face:

Bless you:


10:50 AM:

Michelle Obama and Melaina Trump are walking to their car to go witness the Closing Ceremonies of Humanity and the Sunset of Mankind. Michelle looks depressed and Melaina looks um…. tense.

They are followed by Mike Pence and Joe Biden, who I guess have to sit next to each other in a car right now? After the ceremony, Joe plans to take an Amtrak to Delaware. Aren’t we all, though.

This is what Kellyanne is wearing to battle the heteronormative patriarchy:


10:45 AM:

Hi, it’s Riese again, Erin is washing her face! According to MSNBC, protesters and the crowds in general are peaceful and calm, but Stef’s friend in DC says “there are cops in riot gear chasing protesters in dc and it’s getting sketchy out there.” Hm.

The Supreme Court justices are arriving. “Even when judges are dressed normally, they’re dressed weird,” says Rachel Maddow.

AHEM.


10:40 AM:

Well, well, well, look who it is, Bernie Sanders. “Senate Sanders has on a sort of snowboard style parka here.” Of course he does, it’s Patagonia.


10:35 AM:

Things Riese and I have decided we’d rather be watching than this swearing in process: George H.W. Bush eating a meal in his hospital room, Bill Clinton practicing his saxophone badly, Hillary Clinton eating a Reese’s Cup, Joe Biden getting frustrated about not being able to find parking.


10:30 AM:

BILL AND HILLARY ARE HERE. Quick, get them to the VIP area and turn on some Pitbull, Hillary deserves this.


10:25 AM:

Obama and Michelle and the Trump and Melania just appeared at the top of a staircase together and Obama was open-mouth smiling so big he most definitely was doing that thing that happens in movies where someone is incorporating a cutting insult to the person next to them via a ventriloquist technique.


10:20 AM:

The most any MSNBC host can say about this is, “There are a lot of different kind of people in the hallways.” And what else can you say? Oh, there’s a congressman. Religious people and political people are here. This is like when things are really tense in a car and you just start reading the billboards out loud just to drown out your own thoughts.


10:15 AM:

Hi, it’s Erin. Riese has attempted to get me out of bed three times, and this time worked. Welcome to hell, I say aloud as I enter the room with the TV on where a headline reads on screen, “TRUMP HAS COFFEE WITH THE OBAMAS.” Normal thing to read in 2017, and a sentence I surely thought I’d read in my lifetime. Hopefully someone has a heart issue, not saying who, and someone forgot to pour the decaf.


10:10 AM:

The Obamas have a new website, isn’t that neat? Here’s what comes next for our nation:


10 AM:

So! Here’s some numbers for you:

  • Trump’s approval rating is 44 percent, the lowest on record of any president on inauguration day
  • 200 busses have applied for parking permits for today’s ceremonies. Obama’s 2009 inauguration saw 3,000 parking permit applications.
  • 200,000 humans are expected to march in Washington tomorrow for the Women’s March and 1,200 buses have applied for parking permits. This will be the biggest protest tied to an inauguration in U.S. History.
  • 65+ Congress members are boycotting the inauguration

There are already so many protesters in D.C. today that supporters are having trouble getting through. Good job, America!


9:45 AM:

Well, somebody’s ready and it’s not us!

Presently, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are sitting in an enclosed space with Donald Trump and his wife, consuming coffee and perhaps a danish of some kind, chit-chatting about which alien life forms might come down in a spaceship and rescue humankind.

Then, they will transfer as a team into another enclosed space — this one will be a vehicle — to carpool down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol.

The swearing-in ceremony will begin at 11:30 AM, which means if anybody’s got any last-minute ideas for how to stop this from occurring, you’ve got one hour and 45 minutes to make it happen.



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Riese is the 36-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2509 articles for us.

118 Comments

  1. Riese and Erin, I wish for you both an excellent supply of caffeine and/or the stuff that y’all call Xanax. Also please remember to drink lots of water and take breaks to pat the nearest animal available to you. You are doing good work.

  2. Ty for doing what the rest of us can’t stomach… although I am afraid when I get to work in a bit it will be on the tv and then I have a breakdown, because I don’t know how to watch him without alcohol and yelling at the tv so…. I also wish you plenty of alcohol or whatever you need to make it through!

  3. Riese and Erin, hang on tight and may the force be with you. On a related note, Lily Allen just made this amazing soundtrack for this awful and tragic day, maybe it will help someone pass through this day:

  4. Def asked my constitution expert relative if there’s a secret force majeure clause. Like if full on alien contact or a DC earthquake should occur do we get to keep Obama? He said no. I say he’s not looking hard enough.

    • I’m not an American, and definitely not an expert on the US constitution, or any constitution, but I feel like FDR’s third term should count as precedence even if a two term presidency was only praxis and now law back then.

  5. Riese and Erin, thank you so much for putting yourself though this for us. I feel sick to my stomach just knowing this is happening right now. Please keep animals and fuzzy blankets and warm beverages closet, and if you need anything (validation, hugs, memes, pictures of Janelle Monae dancing with sloths) put that here and let us support you! <3333

  6. Ugh. If only this WERE the hellmouth. Buffy could swoop in and explode the wretched man after he finished his speech by shedding his skin and revealing himself as a giant snake demon.

    I’m watching on the bbc because I am apparently irresponsible with my mental health (and I’m fascinated to know if he actually delivers something vaguely presidential for the first time rather than purely Trumpian), but my tv keeps losing reception on and off in protest. It DID just tune back in to show me Michelle and Hillary grinning at each other so it’s worked out which bits I need to see.

  7. I’m in the UK and refusing to watch, for obvious reasons. I’m avoiding Twitter like the plague today, so thanks for keeping me up to date! I’m avoiding Twitter like the plague today. And make sure you guys go hug kittens or puppies or something afterwards as self care.

  8. I’m sitting here deconstructing Michelle Obama’s very somber choice of dress – because the first ladies do speak via their sartorial choices – and the aesthetic reference I’m seeing is a subtle nod to the women’s uniforms in the Handmaid’s Tale. Maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see, maybe not. Regardless, God I’m gonna miss her.

  9. Thank you for putting yourselves thru this for those of us who just cannot watch it.

    I for one cannot watch the shit show because I cannot extend my middle fingers for the full duration of it.

  10. The thing with fascism is that for the majority of people, it’s really easy to just accept it and go along. Too many of us have good enough lives and won’t want to risk safety or comfort for the sake of those who are being attacked. This is a country where half the voters couldn’t even be bothered to go and vote. People won’t resist until they are personally affected, and by then, of course, it will be too late.

  11. Appreciate this Riese and Erin…but having one of those moments of missed opportunity…did ANYONE get a screen shot of how many twitter followers @potus had before the official switch over? Because that would be some quality stuff.

  12. Stuck at work, wishing that I didn’t have to wear green every Friday and could just wear all black. Spread some extra war paint (aka makeup) on my face this morning so I could cry and wipe off each layer as needed. Can I go home yet?

  13. Draco Malfoy’s side eye under 11:40 caption is making me cringe so hard.

    Also, I don’t do technology good so I’m not sure how to re-post a gif but there is one at the end of this article (http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2017/01/20/michelle_obama_flustered_by_melania_trump_s_gift_gif.html)

    of Michelle Obama reacting to a big blue tiffanys box they gave her and it is everything.

    Im overcaffeinating and getting day stoned to deal with this noise. love y’all for doing this

  14. So welcome to doomsday, everybody! Thanks for taking one for the team, Erin and Riese. I usually listen to NPR on my way to work in the mornings and couldn’t even bring myself to do that today. Thank the universe for Spotify and bluetooth. I’m at work and can’t focus on anything.. ugh.

  15. I find it funny, how he kept talking about elites, and jobs leaving the US. So, what does he call his living situation in Trump Tower? Or the fact his products and children’s products are made in factories in China? Does he have any plan to bring his factory to the US, and not make it automated like most factories are slowing becoming, including this Carrier plant he is taking credit for? Like right off the bat he blew it, which odd cause in December he was going around the country being honest about saying draining the swamp was pure marketing.

  16. An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

    The 1st passenger said, “I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

    The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

    The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

  17. I a disappointed to find out that the Rabbi that spoke at his inauguration is from Los Angeles. Ugh, I thought we were better than that(at least the non-Iranian Jews, who for some fucking reason more than half us voted for the Orange Liar).

  18. Thank you! This is awesome!!! So therapeutic. I needed a good laugh!!! I watched it earlier and reading your blog, I’m like ‘Yes! Exactly!!!!’ Thank you for sharing and for being a cathartic outlet!

  19. I avoided tv all day. I did some obsessive cleaning to keep myself in denial. But tomorrow I have volunteer training at my local LGBT community center. Because fuck these assholes.

    There was a bit of a riot at John Quincy Adam’s inauguration. He didn’t come by the presidency entirely legitimately either. Back then they thought duels were a good way to settle differences so that’s a good indication of their conflict resolution skills.

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