Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to 90 Days Jail (Just Like Lady Gaga in “Telephone”!)

Hey did you hear that Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating the terms of her 2007 DUI arrest? Apparently, in 2007, Lohan was sentenced to three years probation, one day of jail time, a fine and 10 days of community service after the arrest, and she’s missed 9 alcohol education classes since, which is a problem. God do you even remember what you were DOING in 2007? I don’t. I feel like I was cuter then, though. I look weird now.

Anyhow we have this inexplicable obsession with covering Lindsay Lohan but I’m just going to copy-paste from TMZ, so that you don’t have to go to that website, because going there will make you feel gross and we won’t make you feel gross ever, promise/promz:

Judge Marsha Revel sentenced LiLo after an incredulous prosecutor, Danette Meyers, told the judge that Lohan has been thumbing her nose at the court.

The evidence was loud and clear today — Lindsay violated probation by failing to attend her alcohol ed classes based on the schedule set by the judge.  There were lots of excuses, but ultimately they didn’t fly.

The judge said there was a pattern of violations since Lindsay was placed on probation in 2007 following her plea bargain in her DUI case.

Lindsay broke down as she addressed the court, telling the judge, “I did the best I could.”

Lindsay dissolved into tears when the judge imposed the sentence.

Lohan must surrender on July 20 in Judge Revel’s court.

UPDATE: Sheriff’s spokesperson Steve Whitmore just explained … generally, a female inmate in  Lindsay’s situation only serves 25% of their sentence … which means LiLo will most likely spend around 23 days behind bars.

We are sad about this because it hinders her chances of getting back together with Samantha.

Anyhow, we can’t say if Lohan’s “getting what she deserves” — I guess we have to assume that she is, ’cause that’s what the ruling says — but this “ding dong the witch is dead” attitude all over the freakin’ internet is so gross.

Anyhow, there are lots of gay ladies in jail, for example:

+ Lady Gaga in “Telephone”
+ Everyone in The L Word in that one episode of Season One
+ Helena in The L Word in Season Five
+ Characters in Lesbian Jail pornos
+ Bad Girls, the BBC series about lesbians

Also, someone let Michael Lohan near the courthouse, and he delivered a letter of some sort about it being her last chance to save on car insurance or her last chance for a last dance or her last dance with Mary Jane. I don’t know, every time I hear that man’s name in a sentence followed by a verb, my head goes into some kind of psycho-panic and I can’t read straight, which I hope is also his excuse.

No, in all honesty, we were rooting for Lindsay Lohan, and for some reason so beyond us that it must somehow be written in the stars, we felt a slight & distant tinge of sadness for this human because she has something special in common with us, something unique, and she spoke freely of her relationship, no matter what the consequences. We wanted redemption on a few levels, including political. (We do not, in any way, condone drunk driving!! DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE. Seriously. People die, don’t fuck around.)

For all her failures (which we saw, no matter how much we tried not to — as a gay website, this shit flies across our radar each day, and the relentless negativity is ASTOUNDING), Lindsay Lohan was a girl who did what she wanted to. She was bad. She fucked up, she relapsed and rehabbed and she spilled her feelings to a room. She resisted her father’s attempts to control her, she dated girls, for f*ck’s sake. When yelled at, she yelled back. When hurt, she cried. A while after she’d started dating Samantha, she wrote an indignant MySpace blog all about gay marriage and how unfair it was that the laws weren’t equal and  you could tell she’d never thought/known about it before, and that newness and earnest desire to impact the world suddenly was sort of cute and inspiring, as much as it was tepid. When her career was in the shitcan, Lindsay went to fucking India to help people and said she was making a documentary there, when it was perfectly obvious the media would find a reason to hurt and insult her there, too. We never have any idea what’s really going on with her because most of the stories we hear are imaginary, so it’s like a fill-in-the-blanks game of celebrity bingo. But she is a woman who everyone is yelling at all the time, and she is not evil. She has not spilled oil on you or started a war. Yet it’s relentless: the attacking, the judging, the cruelty. She is a woman who everyone is yelling at all the time and who nobody knows, and nobody should yell at a person all the time!

Oh also, she’s not dating the Israeli girl, Eliat, ’cause Eliat already has a girlfriend.

Anyhow, anyone who thought about her having sex with a girl in jail when you found out, take a drink, and then go read a book.

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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28 Comments

  1. Poor Lindsey.
    She has the SCRAM anklet and she isn’t doing that bad with that-
    I wouldn’t want to go to those meetings/classes either.

    I would be so weird to be in jail with Lindsay.
    I found out today that I have a warrant for my arrest so too bad I don’t live in LA.

  2. Man I watched the video of her sentencing and more than anything she just seemed terrified. I feel kinda bad for her honestly. Her parent’s didn’t exactly give her the best start and I feel like she does sincerely have a problem (that prison most likely will not help). I hope she gets some good psychiatric care while she is in there…

    • What you said. I felt yuck for her, ’cause I sure would be petrified if I had to go. I too hope she gets some structured help because otherwise she’ll just keep repeating the same behaviour ya know?

  3. It’s very tough for her i thing, i heard that she immediately burst into tears after hearing her fate. She gave lot of excuses but none of them worked.

  4. Would these Lindsay Lohan be if she were a guy?

    Personally i have no patience for people who criticize others for living hard. I mean have you taken a look of the world lately? Or at any time in history. I have and i wanna be sedated.

  5. i would like to vote that jail is pretty terrible and a fucked up system overall and does not help anyone get their shit together, including pretty gay twentysomethings. i would like to say thank you for the gratuitous telephone screencap, though.

    • I vote this too. I agree that drunk driving is completely irresponsible and should be taken seriously, but our prison systems don’t help that situation or basically any others. Maybe we need to have more conversations about what is or isn’t cool (like how accidentally killing someone because you couldn’t be bothered to call a DD isn’t all that cool) or maybe we need to lower the drinking age and make public transportation way, way better… or something.

  6. this is odd. i was just reading some old magazine that had lindsay on the cover and before that i thought about tinkerbell and that video were that dog tried to steal her and riese screamed and ran after her. no joke.

    i should probably go get a lotto ticket or something.

    ps. i feel bad for lindsay. sometimes i’d just like to hug her.

  7. Not funny but maybe they could work on their friendship. I feel bad for her, she’s not really cut out for jail. Maybe, like Helena, she’ll get out of jail with a cute lady in her back pocket and escape to a far-off land hand-in-hand!

  8. I think this may be the best description I’ve ever heard about Lindsay Lohan, and I’m glad to hear someone say it: “it’s like a fill-in-the-blanks game of celebrity bingo.”

  9. Thing is, I don’t feel bad about the jail sentence at all. IMO, anyone who would get wasted and take the road has no regard whatsoever for human life, and that has to be punished. We can’t have that.
    I feel bad for all the rest. People think being a celebrity must be awesome but from where I stand, it sounds like she’s living a nightmare. I truly hope she’ll get her life back on track, and that people will stop yelling at her for no reason at all.

  10. Pingback: Inside the LA jail in which Lindsay Lohan will serve her sentence – Daily Mail | Broward County Public Records

  11. I agree with Janis–love the girl to death, but she has to go to jail. I work with clients who have gotten DUIs and they have to go to class FOR A LONG TIME and then they are not charged. When they skip them, they go to jail. I’m glad to see she is being treated like any other person who broke this law and was charged with this crime.

    I still love her though and hope when she comes out she sees the light and runs to more ladies…

  12. I hope Linds gets her head screwed on right one of these days. Unforts I do not believe she knows how to get off this merry go round. My heart really hurts for her because all she is, is lost and needing to be AWAY from all these things that are constantly ripping pieces out of her. But how do you get away from Hollywood when Hollywood is obsessed with every which way you can find to fuck up next. And how can you not keep fucking up when it feels like that’s what the world expects. In that respect I get why the crazy/drugs/partying/attitude happens. It’s Hollywood, it’s a meat grinder, and nobody here gets out alive. Self-destructo mode: active.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ignore real life with beer.

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