This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there may be messed up formatting and missing pictures.

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Shane Shane Shane. Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny. Redrum. Hello! Welcome to the Romper Room. Today we’ll be observing episode 602 of The L Word, titled “Least Likely.” As in “The L Word is the teevee program least likely to be excellent.”

Hey guess what, I got a gig on Showtime, I’m the new Lezberado. You should watch it. Apparently a bajillion people already have. Who was the old Lezberado, you may ask. I have no idea. Let’s not dwell though. Not today! Not on L Word Day! We didn’t dwell on Dana’s death, so …

This week’s viewing party was attended by Carly, Robin, Alexi, A;ex, Tinkerbell and … me! Actually from now on I’d like you to refer to me as “Easy Street.” That’s where you can pick up the train that goes to Lezzie Town.

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We open on Nikki, looking Brett-Easton-Ellis-novel coked out, in bed with a trampy blue-bikinied groupie. The groupie paws at Nikki and moans that being sad is so boring. Good point. Well it could be worse, it could be sad + Holocaust paper dolls + creepy poltergeist music.

Nikki gets up, incensed, and parades around the MTV Cribs beach-house yelling like a crazy person: “She called ME she wanted ME and then she goes all Paris and Britney on me fucks me all night long and then she has the nerve to call me a showmance! I don’t even know what the fuck that means!”

Like in Showmeo and Juliet

Well, Nikki has recovered nicely from the brain damage she suffered between seasons 5 and 6 — although she lost 75% of her brain cells, her motor skills are well above par and she seems to have found a similarly brain-damaged peer group.

“Brakchi” on the TWOP board noted that “what Ilene has done [in Season Six] is rob Nikki of her vulnerability and sincerity [which she had in Season Five.]” Exactly.

Alex: “I wanna watch a teevee show about those girls!”
Riese: “I think it’s called ‘Gimme Sugar.‘”

I’m gonna replace you with SUNSET TAN, beeotch!
I’m gonna go there way more than I ever talk to you! Put your ribs away!

Nikki says the girl in the blue bikini is officially out of her Top Five for positing: “I wonder who it is that broke her heart?” That’s fine, she can go be in Maxim‘s Top Five.

Carly: “This episode of The L Word is brought to you by T-Mobile!”
Caitlin: “And Whole Foods!”
Robin: [cheesy voice] “Hey Guys! My name is SHANE! And this is my BAG! From Whole Foods!”
Riese: [ditto] “There’s enough hummus in it for everyone in your Top Five! From T-Mobile!”

Riese: “I think Nikki’s on coke.”
Carly: “This is gonna be the part of the show where everyone starts saying they’re gonna kill Jenny Schecter.”
Riese: “Jenny is DEAD meat!”
Carly: “I’m gonna KILL her!”
Riese: “Who’s dead to you NOW, Jenny? Yeah?”

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To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Kit Porter

I think this is the Halloween episode of My So-Called Life, or at least these outfits are. One of Kit Porter’s many fans, a drag queen named “Sunset Boulevard,” is joining the team at HIT, along with at least ten yards of gold lamè. They’ll probs fall in love, she’s definitely Kit’s type. You know, the drag king, T.O.E., the lesbian Don Juanita, the scruffy acoustic Manny, etc. I wish she’d had a relationship with Slim Daddy. Well, I was a superfan of Ivan ’til her character changed in Season Two.

Drinking game suggestion — every time someone references being a HUGE Kit Porter fan, take a drink. Of sparkling grape juice.

Doesn’t Helena look cute in glasses?

Kit: “OOOO GIRL!! Somebody’s been working OUT!”
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I’m 90% sure that Sunset thinks Kit & Helena are girlfriends. Which’d make as much sense as anything else that’s ever happened to Helena! Or Kit.

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So What I Lied, I Lied to Me Too

Back at The Planet! The girls have split up into Team Cheaters and Team Martyrs. Bette & Tina play rock-paper-scissors to see who’s gotta sit with what team. (I feel these opening sentences are grammatical nightmares, how do I fix them? Anyone? Seriously.) Does that mean Tina’s actually admitted that she was “the pot calling the kettle slutty” (trademark Carly 2009) last episode and consequently she has no inherent allegiance to either? Probs not.

Carly: “Hey Bette, the Pirates of Penzance called, they left a voicemail … just whenever you’re ready if you could get that shirt back to us … we’ve got booty to find …”
Riese: “Hey Kit, 1972 is on the other line, want you to know they wouldn’t even wear that shirt.”

The girls are sitting at the Planet on their MacBooks. Probs using T-Mobile phone service, about to eat some tasty foods from Whole Foods.

Carly: “We don’t have jobs so we just sit around all day and write our screenplays!”
Riese: “Actually I was about to say that kinda is what my life is like, except without any money.”
Robin: “Yeah me too. Not all of us are EMPLOYED here, Carly. Some of us are ‘freelancers.'”
Riese: “Actually um, only … two of us? Have full-time jobs?”
[We all look around at one other, despondent.]

Lesbian Squabble #7: Anyone want a TWATWAFFLE?!
In the Ring: Shane vs. Jenny. With Alice called in to do the dirty work.
Content: Shane’s trying to win Jenny over by sending her waffles she didn’t order. That wouldn’t fly with me, what if that didn’t fit into my daily caloric plan? I’d probs feel awkward about it and eat them anyhow though. Or you know, give them to Tina, who also LOVES WAFFLES. Instead, Jenny throws them out. Obvs Jenny has not read I Live Here.
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Kit points out that children are starving, Jenny says they wouldn’t want those waffles. I dunno, I think if you gave a hungry child the choice of skanky waffles or no waffles, they’d go with the skanky waffles. like when they’re out of the Eggos I like and I have to buy the store brand. Which is actually really nowhere near as good as regular eggos. Hey leggo of my eggos. La la laa.
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Who Wins? The Planet, I guess, at least they sold a product and made a profit and apparently Shane made them herself, therefore saving everyone the cost of labor.
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Jenny LOVES Sticky Notes!

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Tina encourages Alice to let Jenny the Screenplay Expert read the treatment she’s working on, which prompts many knowing awkward glances. B&T are doing that secret texting in the same room thing that I often enjoy with Caitlin when we’re being forced to watch bad student films, or with Natalie when we want to complain about how stupid everyone else at the dinner table is compared to us.

“I’d be happy to give you notes,” Jenny says. I guess she’s back to bitchy Jenny now. Also she’s writing a screenplay that’s basically a transcription of her fight with Shane, excellent idea. TLW should just skip season finales, none of that shit ever carries over.
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The best part of this scene is Alice’s facial expressions:

“I just had this kinda killer idea so I thought I’ll just write a great screenplay and then sell it for millions and then buy a house in Malibu?”
(Copyright Alice 2009)
[Strong contender for quote of the week]

Lesbian Squabble #8: Look Me in the Eyes And Tell Me You Don’t Find me Attractive in this Shirt
In the Ring: Tasha vs. Alice
Content: Tasha doesn’t like Malibu. Tasha looks amazing, says the girls. I dressed her, says Alice. Alice says Tasha doesn’t try. Tasha gets annoyed by this. Does Tasha really like Alice? It doesn’t seem like it. She’s gonna join the Police Academy so that she can once again be a part of an institution that will inherently disapprove of Alice’s friends’ pot-smoking lifestyles, once again making their relationship impossible. Oh wait — actually weed is legal in Cali.
Whatevs these girls break all kinds of laws. They kill Jenny! Hello that’s a serious law! That’s an “L Word.” Laws.

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RIESE’S RULES FOR LIFE #1: When you get to the point in a relationship where you spend more time talking about the relationship than actually having the relationship, it’s not therapy time, it’s time to break up.

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Helena for Nike: Just Do Her.

Helena, looking stunning in her jogging outfit, will not take sides.

Riese: “I’ve been to jail, I know what it’s like to take sides!”
Carly: “I will fuck your shit up!”

Well Luckily We Don’t Live in Arkansas

Luckily Bette & Tina have great news! They’ve had such a fun time barely taking care of their 4.5 year-old child they’ve decided to adopt yet another. I think Ilene probs just picks this shit out of a hat. Maybe out of Aretha Franklin’s giant hat. Their baby will arrive wrapped in a gigantic ribbon.

Guess what? Jenny’s a giant bitch now. Instead of matching characters to appropriate plots, Ilene picks plots and then assigns them randomly to characters. Jenny can’t possibly write with Bette & Tina’s hypothetical construction racket. This conversation is weird, I hate everyone.

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Remember that Last Roomate We Picked? The Rapey Guy?

“You don’t need a new roommate,” Shane pleads. She can’t stay on Kit’s couch forever. Just this morning Kit took the couch apart and turned it into a shirt! That’s crazy! Jenny wants to know why Shane’s the only one who doesn’t pay. Actually I think Shane did pay for those waffles, and thusly she clarifies. “I am paying.” See Jenny, it’s not on the house. There are no handouts for cheaters. Get in the bread line, Oliver Twist! Rawr!

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Shane’s putting in flower boxes for Jenny. First it’s putting in flower boxes, than it’s deflowering her box. This is the way that we live. Actually I think Shane is secretly a masochist. She needs to fuck up and then be bossed around in order to behave.

I hope no-one accidentally digs up Sounder.

Flower Children

Carly: “I’m gonna garden for you.”
Riese: “She’s gonna eat dirt is what she’s gonna do. She’s about to get down in there and eat some dirt.”

Let’s Hear it for the BOYS!

Carly: “BOUNTY THE QUICKER PICKER- upper!”
Riese: “Oh she needs Max to help her with the computer.”
Carly: “Maybe he can do a computer search for her.”
Riese: “Oh he’s going to his final consult. What could possibly go wrong?!”

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It’s like The Notebook, but With Girls instead of notebooks.

Lez Girls is now called “The Girls,” has a new poster and a new marketing plan and this particular concept has “tested well” amongst key demographics. For example: douchetards, asshats and twatwaffles all found this boy to be a very inspiring male romantic lead, also harbor fantasies of bringing a lesbian back over to men.

Tina’s pissed — How did she miss this? — Aaron lets her know that apparently Tina needs to “get on board” because “the train’s not going to Lezzie town.”

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Carly: “Maybe your train isn’t but my train is.”

This is the way that we live.
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Speaking of trains, did Adele get on one and go away? Where’s Adele? Isn’t this all her fault/film?

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This Business of Bad Art

Jodi’s art project is garnering rave reviews, even Phyllis is at the meeting, as well as some “old hippie artsy types with beads and flowy sleeves” from Central Casting. Personally, I’m baffled that TLW drops characters like they’re hot, but carries Jodi’s CORE installation art piece over into Season Six?

Robin: “This meeting is like a Benneton ad, let’s get one representative from every ethnicity .”
Riese: “Oh look, they’ve gotten every character I don’t care about together in the same room. Let’s throw Max in there.”

Carly: “Bette’s here!”
Riese: “Bette and her sleeves.”
Carly: [in the same voice she uses to imitate everyone, it sounds kinda like a South park adult character] “Sorry I was late you guys, I just have some jet-lag from these sleeves.”

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I Hear BP’s Not a Fan of JL’s Latest Art Project!

Gossip Guy wants to know how the dean responded to the work. Probs with the same confusion, shock and awe we all experienced. Probs “how did I not notice the handycam you were holding while we were making love?” Bette’s unimpressed with all this back-and-forth. So am I, this kind of behavior is entirely inappropriate and would never happen at an adult board meeting of adults. La la la.

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Hey Hey The Gang’s All Here!

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Feel my Pecs, BRO!

Max is at the doctor for his final checkup, talking eagerly with the spirit of a young lad on the playground about the growth in his pecs. Unfortunately, says the Horse-y doctor, there’s been a problem.

If you’re ever at a loss for what Ilene will use this season, just watch Oprah. I hope there’s an episode coming up where everyone in the audience wins a free car. Let’s watch this surprise unfold:

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Doctor: “I’m afraid there’s a problem.”
Max: “What’s the problem?”
Doctor: “You’re pregnant.”
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Following this announcement, we learn that Bette’s been frequenting a high-class $1,000/hour prostitution ring under the name “Client #9” and she’ll be forced to resign from her position, a new hot closeted lesbian character joins the cast after escaping from a Texas polygamist ranch, Jenny will be beheaded on Greyhound Bus (that’s who killed Jenny, p.s.), Nikki will openly date Samantha Ronson, Helena will kidnap her child and flee the state to later be uncovered as a fraud who was never really a Peabody, Kit Porter will perform at the Presidential Inauguration wearing something she’d probs wear any given day anyhow, and it’ll become illegal for gays to get married.

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Bette’s going back to Phyllis’s office to remind her that CORE is douchebag. Furthermore!! Jodi could be sued for slander and defamation of character. But Bette doesn’t get to express any of those topics out loud because HEY! Speaking of suing people, there’s a naked lawyer in Phyllis’s office!

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Naked Lynch
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Carly: “We’ve discussed this, the Lynch can do no wrong.”
Robin: “I met her at Dinah Shore, she can do no wrong. She is amazing.”
A;ex: “Oh I saw her on the plane to Dinah Shore.”
Robin: “No wrong, she can do no wrong.”
Riese: “If I wanted someone to take me back, the last thing I’d do is come into the room naked. That’s definitely not the right way to sell this package.”

Bette’s reaction is priceless.
And then Bette exits.
Bette & Phyllis’s friendship is kinda funny, yeah?
Well done!
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C’mon, It’s Not Like They’re Gonna Pass Prop 8, Baby!

As long as the state of California honors their love, Joyce would like Phyllis to marry her. Hey-o! Too late! Ding Dong the Mormons have lynched your plan, Wyshnia. Sorry Charlie. You’re just gonna have to get commitment ceremonied.

Anyhow, back in fantasy-land, Wyshnia begs Phyllis to say yes, and tells her Gavin the mayor of San Francisco will officiate. Phyllis says she never wanted to get married. Joyce says she’s cold. Where are her clothes, why does she need to be wrapped up in a random blanket? Is that Sunset Boulevard’s dress? Then Phyllis says yes, they will get married. I think I predicted this about five minutes ago. La la la. Yay! We love Jane Lynch and lesbians! Yay!

The Hoppy Couple!

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Another Day, Another Hot Lesbian Couple in my Office, Another Express for Men Sweater

I don’t trust this Dan Foxworthy fellow. I think he has a lesbian fetish. Remember in Season One, Episode One, when Bette complained that she didn’t think she could be helped by a male therapist?

Now it’s Season Six, Episode Two … I still agree with Bette, and Ilene still doesn’t care.

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Please direct your attention to Alice’s lap, where her skirt is having a (red) party.

Carly: “What kind of incident happened on Alice’s lap?”
Riese: “It’s her period. she’s a woman now.”
A;ex: “It’s like menstrual fireworks!”
Carly: “Menstrual fireworks, are you kidding me, that’s amazing! Write that down. Trademark Alex.”

Lesbian Squabble #9: I Think It’s Best We do it Bettina’s Therapist’s Way

In the Ring: Tasha vs. Alice

Content: Soooo Alice keeps talking for/over Tasha. Dan asks Tasha questions, and Alice answers them for her. Get it? It’s like she’s not letting Tasha be her own woman. Which is a shame ’cause I think the reason Tasha doesn’t want couples therapy is ’cause she’s pretty much already got this shit figured out sans therapy. For example, when she’s finally given a moment to speak on the topic of why did Alice tell her about the Other Woman even though she knew how Tasha would react:

Tasha: “I think that she told me because she wanted to break up with me and bringing this woman between us was the easiest way to do that. She knew how I felt, she knew that I would break up with her and when I did, she got scared.”

Who Wins?: Tasha.

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Are You Gonna Tell me Your Name’s on the Birth Certificate and You Also Want an Abortion?

‘Cause That Lady Couldn’t Even Read a Thermometer

Max is getting lip from the Abortion Secretary who doesn’t think he should be there, she thinks he’s a dude. She’s probs afraid he’s got a pipe bomb and some fetus photos from Jesus with him that he’s gonna whip out for a multi-media fireworks presentation.

Max flies off the handle. I bet when Daniela Sea got these sides she had to smoke a bunch of weed and then cry for three days.

Carly: “Did you watch Oprah? I’m like that guy?”
Riese: “He wrote a book?”
Carly: “RIPPED from the headlines!”

EVER SEEN THAT MOVIE JUNIOR?

… Max turns around and announces it to the room, that he’s a man and he’s pregnant. You can almost see the pain in Daniela’s eyes as she’s forced to perform this ridiculous farce. Max asks the room: “Don’t you read the fucking tabloids?” Well, they might not, but Ilene certainly does.

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Splish Splash Shane Was Takin’ a Bath

Jenny’s gotten Shane to wash her car. I don’t mind, because I think Shane looks hot in white t-shirts. Jenny goes outside and asks Shane to turn down the music so she can write.

What’s with Jenny’s obsessiveness about noise happening while she’s trying to write? Oh! Then she can’t hear what everyone else is saying and transcribe it, which is what she so loosely defines as “writing.”

However, in this instance, it appears that she’s typing in her screenplay that Shane the character tells Jenny the character: “I want to change. You’re the only one who can help me,” which’s defo not being said in real life. Or like in the real life of this teevee show’s life WHATEVER. I think this might be the biggest clue to wtf is going on this season we’re ever gonna get.

Carwash Cunt.
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Shane is WHIPPED!

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Tasha and Alice are sitting on the therapy couch, holding each other’s arms, promising to not be judgey, to make breakfast, and to make room for each other’s stuff. This comes completely out of the blue. That’s okay. So do shooting stars, so it’s not necessarily bad, just probs a little weird for everyone.

Tasha’s no longer annoyed by every word Alice speaks, and they are cutely smiling while Dan makes the creepy shotgun finger-fucking gesture again.

Carly: “This is like an e-harmony commercial — “I promise to always take the trash out, even though you’re better at it.”
Riese: “… and Dan’s ready for the makeout. He’s got his fingers on his lips like he’d rather have them up Alice or Tasha’s vagina. So that Alice can have an abortion all over her dress.”

Dan: “I’m not gonna give you homework. I don’t think you two should be in therapy.”
Tasha: “That’s what I said, see.”
Alice: “WE rock!”
Dan: “You two have so little in common, I really don’t think you belong together.”
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Hm, if only Dan Foxworthy had been in the writer’s meeting for this episode. That’d be a better place than his office, ’cause um, therapists aren’t allowed to say shit like that.

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And then I said, NO, it’s just a bunch of red flowers! I’m not BLEEDING!

Tasha & Alice are not happy about their therapy experience. How can he judge them after only 55 minutes of knowing them? Well, I’ve probs witnessed about 55 minutes of their relationship too and I think it’s a stretch.

But … I like them together anyhow mostly because they are both pretty and because it reminds me of a relationship I once had which obviously failed spectacularly but holds a special tortured unable-to-get-over place in my heart.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #2: We got our VAGINAS in Common, Man!
The Players: Alice and Tasha
The Pick-Up: “C’mere.”
Hot or Not: Yes. But really brief!
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Carly: “Is Alice wearing Spanx?”
Riese: “I think that’s her virginity corset, obvs it’s been violated, thus the skirt.”
Carly: “See what you did there? You brought it back around.”
Riese: “That’s what I do.”

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Lesbian – Adjacent-Storyline Squabble #10: But He’ll Have Pecs Like Mr. T!
In the Ring: Max vs. Tom
Content: Tom wants to know why Max wasn’t warned that he could still get preggers even on testosterone. Max suggests that his doctor didn’t know he was “stupid enough to let some faggot fuck [him],” which is an abrasive communication strategy. Max is gonna need a little more nurture and a lot less nature if he wants to get through this shit.

Tom points out that it isn’t his fault, and in return for that opinion he gets a big kick in the ol’ nutsack. Max is I believe attempting to sterilize him. I’ve heard good things about condoms, but you know. Not really my scene these days. Good luck LOL.

Max: “Who the hell else am I supposed to blame?”
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BLAME IT ON THE RAIN THAT WAS FALLING, BLAME IT ON THE RAIN YEAH YEAH

Riese: “Blame Bitch!”
Carly: “Blame Animal!”
Riese: “No, Animal dated Susan Powter. Daniella Sea is dating bitch.”
Robin: “Who’s Bitch?”
Carly & Riese: “That’s Daniela Sea’s girlfriend, her name is Bitch from the band Bitch & Animal.”
Alex: “Her name is Bitch? That’s her name?”
Carly: “When in doubt, Blame Bitch.”

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I Want to Draw You a Pros & Cons List of My Head and Heart

They’re gonna make a pros and cons list for their relationship. This is a lot of workshop and mental muscle expended on a relationship that’s been so brief. Well, I guess if Angelica has been alive for 4 and a half years, it’s possible Tasha and Alice were high school sweethearts. Tasha objects to the marker being black.

Riese: “Tasha needs to take that shirt off, are they trying to figure out where to go on vacation? What’s with the marker.”
Carly: “It’s her “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego” shirt.”
Riese: “Personally I’d like to know where in the world is Carmen De La Pica Morales.

Alice says red is happy, Tasha says that red is the devil. Oh boy. Carly predicts that they’re gonna do it on the list. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Nope. Moving on.

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God It Was Strange To See You Again

I have only one thing to say about this scene: wtf with Bette using the word “beeotch”? Bette would never say that. Never ever! Maybe this whole season was just a bad dream. This’s becoming far more likely. To say I’d prefer this season to turn out to be a bad dream is really revelatory of how I feel about this show.

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Introduced by a Friend of a Friend

Bette & Tina are at a gallery opening hosted by a rich divorceè, Bette’s jealous and wishes she had a space like this when she had her own gallery (that’s foreshadowing), Bette meets the owner Kelly and Kelly is like, don’t you remember me? You used to have sexual dreams about me every night I heard you calling my name like a cougar! You GO GIRL! OOOO I like that leopard print it reminds me of this super tacky show I used to be on. Anyone got some uppers?

Riese: “Bette’s shirt has jungle fever.”
Carly: “Hey, Bette, the jungle called .”

I Haven’t Seen You Since God — the late 90’s? Showgirls?

Tina keeps shooting Bette “isn’t she annoying?” looks but Bette misses all of them. I hate it when that happens. It’s like that scene in Lost in Translation when she realizes her boyfriend doesn’t see how stupid that girl is and then realizes that the relationship will never work because of this, ’cause Bette & Tina are normally totally eye-to-eye on this stuff.

And you know what, this is EXACTLY what we need. Another annoying character!

Riese: “Omg it’s Jessie Spano!”
Robin & Carly & Alex & Caitlin: “I’m so excited!”

I Got So City Girl on You

Bette says she thought Jessie Spano was married to New York forever. Jessie said she thought she was married to Dan Wentworth forever. You know, Bette, like in the vows. The vows you’ll never be able to take, ’cause you’re a HOMO!

Riese: “I thought she was married to A.C. Slater forever.”
Carly: “We’re NEVER gonna run out of jokes about her.”

Bette was probs the only out lesbian in college, probs could have whomever she wants, because beautiful+out = nonstop pussy. Tina knows who Kelly is from Bette’s stories and now Bette cutely recalls that Jessie “let me kiss her once and [was] so seized by a deep and abiding homosexual panic that she left our house immediately.”

Also … Bette introduces Tina as her “partner.”

Riese: “Partner? partner? Why’d she say partner? Then Tina could just be like, her business partner.”
Carly: “Well what else can she say?”
Robin: “She can’t say lover–”
Riese: “Girlfriend, girlfriend!”
A;ex: “But some people call all their friends ‘girlfriends’.”
Cait: “Yeah a lot of people still do that.”
Riese: “Well they should stop!”

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Jessie: “She got over me in two minutes.”
Bette: “Ten.”
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Oh man, that’s her. That’s the straight girl she couldn’t have. Everyone has one of these girls. These girls should probs just go to the Biosphere, it’s raining women in Ilene’s mind.

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Well OurChart’s folding, So I’ve Been Experimenting with Other Visual Aids

Alice likes to solve all of her problems by getting out markers and a large flat surface to write on. It worked for The Chart, will it save their relationship? This is a lot of processing. Srsly if we wanted to go to therapy, we’d just call Dan Foxworthy. Aw. They’re so pretty!

‘Cause the cons outweigh the pros, now they’re just gonna assign point values to everything on the list and therefore skew it back in their direction.

And Wow! Suddenly Tasha wants to like Alice again! la la la! Magically, the point system balances it out and the pros are now winning.

This scene was my favorite part of the episode ’cause I got to pause the DVD and look really closely to read the list. ‘Cause you know, just as a casual watcher of this program, I really have no idea what brings these two people together or sets them apart or even how long they’ve been together, and after reading these lists on pause I feel finally like I know SOMETHING about what their relationship consists of. “T makes the bed nice and tight!” That’s so cute.

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“T Calls A cute and A likes it”!!

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Interlude #1: I have some questions for Ilene Chaiken. Tasha and Alice — why haven’t you shown them doing anything cute or fun together besides sex? We only see the conflict, we never see the good parts, and so it’s confusing. I’d genuinely like to know. It’s the same thing that happened with Bette and Jodi. Shane is the only one that dates people and is actually happy while in the relationship, yet also she’s the only one that apparently doesn’t do relationships! This is sort of weird you know? Okay done now.

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Everyone Laugh Like Someone Said Something Really Funny, My Ex is Coming Over.

Back at the art gallery we see that … Kelly is needy and obnoxious. I wonder if she was named after Kelly Kapowski, that’d be so meta … Bette sees Jodi with another woman, ’cause this is the world where Jodi always has like 100 girlfriends even though she’s super immature and just made a defamatory art piece about her ex-girlfriend who is amazing. Jodi is really, really inappropriate in general, she’s got no boundaries. I mean it’s ridiculous. Again here we have Mama Chaiken bringing a character onto the show who represents a marginalized barely visible segment of the population only to make them annoying and unlikeable.

Lesbian Squabble #11: There I am in the morning, I dont like what I see
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content: James, per always, is totally on the ball, and has attempted to contact Jodi about the “meeting” and she has not responded. She’s been busy. Bette says Jodi reports to her. Jodi says she doesn’t report to anyone, which isn’t true, as Bette just said, Jodi reports to her. Speaking of, she’s got ’til tomorrow to report.
Who Wins? JAMES! Auto-Winner. No, Bette wins ’cause Jodi is annoying and Bette is right.
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Is Bette Burning an Eternal Flame?

Meanwhile, Jessie is telling Tina about how in college Bette attracted the women like moths to a flame and burned them all. That’s a nice thing to say to someone’s girlfriend. Oh she probs just heard “partner.” Can we just put a cap on new characters? Jessie should go back and study so Screech won’t beat her for valedictorian.

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OMG I wonder what’s going on at Hit Club? I bet all the cool girls are there like LiLo and SamRo and Dylan.

Alice is complaining about how boring Helena & Kit are ’cause they’re not doing sex or alcohol. But then she spots something very not-boring.

Riese: “Beaded curtains. Look Carly, beaded curtains!”
Carly: “Ooo stolen from the set of South of Nowhere.”

Riese: “Look Alex that girl is wearing your gold hot pants!”
A;ex: “Those are Chi-Chi Rodriguez’s hot pants.”

So Helena’s new MO is sex without attachments. She learned it from The Tao of Shane. Speaking of sex and attachments, Alice begins her string of AWESOME in this scene, by gesturing to the filling of the “lesbian sandwich at twelve o’clock.” This whole scene = AWESOME.

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Tasha: “That girl used to be straight?”
Alice: “Well, she wasn’t gay when she was fucking Helena.”
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ALICE QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “I’m just sayin’, of all the gin joints in all the world –”
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Helena remains poised and beautiful while everyone else freaks out.

Alice adds: “well, looks like someone’s carpet’s about to get munched.”

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He’s Playing Leisure Suite Larry

Caitlin: “Oh, that happens to me all the time.”
Riese: “The good ol’ phone throw. Let out your aggression and eliminate personal contact all at once. Kill two birds with one blackberry.”

Tom apologizes for how he reacted and suggests they become a couple of Hollywood “fag dads.” Good idea, they could go on the Rosie cruise with us! Max doesn’t know if he can handle this, he can barely handle his own beard!

He was probs just trying to sterilize him.  I can’t wait for them to have pregnant sex, that’ll be really complicated and break all kinds of traditional gender boundaries.

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Why Do You Have to Point Out How Stupid Everyone is All The Time?
Because they Are.

Tina’s complaining about how annoying Kelly/Jessie Spano was. I totally agree. Tina is my new favorite character this season, she’s the only one who ever makes sense.

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Riese: “Where did this bathroom come from? It looks like the bathroom of a classy club.”
Carly: “They had the bathroom re-done. It’s part of the construction.”
Riese: “That is not the bathroom where Tina discovered she was ovulating.”

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Tina: “She said no matter whether you were in a relationship or not you always had at least two other women on the side.”
Bette: “Kelly was too busy fucking every male professor to pay attention to what I was doing.”
Tina: “Oh and another thing, she’s sorry she didn’t take you up on that offer 20 years ago.”
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Tina’s evolved and says that it’s Bette’s nature to flirt and stuff. I think she’s trying to broach the open relationship topic to prevent being lied to and betrayed, but Bette’s doing that stubborn thing where she is convinced she can just go cold turkey. Usually people who doubt their ability to regulate their vices in moderation insist upon complete abstinence. Usually these people fail.

“Don’t you flirt?” Bette asks Tina. Tina says yes but it’s not the same, because she isn’t the fabulous stunning room-stopping woman that Bette is. I mean JK: “Because it FEEDS you. You feed off people wanting you. And they do want you. It’s like blood to a vampire.”

That’s like a very strange thing to say I feel. I feel itchy.

Carly: “OOOO! That would be a good plot twist! If Bette was a vampire!”
Riese:“Like Twilight! You know that book that’s popular with the kids now?”
Carly: “You know, all the cool kids are doing it.”
Riese: “RIPPED from the headlines of the Arts & Leisure Section!”

Lesbian Sexy Moment #3: And All I Want is You
The Players: Bette vs. Tina
The Pick-Up: “I only want you.”
Hot or Not? I kind of like how every time they have sex Bette is fully serious about seducing her. After however many years (this has been made quite ambiguous by the recent revelation of Angelica’s age) (obsessed with this now!) she still sticks her hand demurely but insistently between Tina’s legs and whispers in a sexy voice. Nice work, Tibette (the couple, not the country, that’s different)..
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No Other Gin Joints? REALLY, Dylan?

Alice has decided to take matters into her own hands. This is why I like Alice, ’cause she does shit like this. And so do I. She’s gonna go regulate a smackdown on Dylan but she needs back-up from her big butch daddy. In fact this is definitely one of the best scenes ever. Thank you Leisha Hailey for existing.

Riese: “Oh, I would totally do that. You GO Alice.”
Cait: “We totally DID that!”
A;ex: “Yeah that smackdown at the Tegan & Sara concert.”
Cait: “The failed smackdown of ’08.”

drawing of a;ex during our failed smackdown

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Anyhow Helena comes over to take this conversation elsewhere, Dylan’s caught off guard. Dylan thanks Helena for helping her to discover that she’s a big ol’ lez. Helena is cold and stoic as ice. Dylan “can’t begin to tell [her] how sorry [she is] about everything, about what [she] did, and how [she] treated” Helena.

Yup. You probs can’t. So you should probs stop talking. Howevs Dylan did enable one of Peggy Peabody’s greatest lines of all time, but that is neither here nor there so. Dylan’s never stopped thinking about Helena and wishing that she’d met her at a different time in her life. Hmm, just in time to be totally too late.

Alice tells Tasha the story of Dylena, and it’s not really Alice telling Tasha the story of Dylena so much as it’s Leisha Hailey telling Rose Rollins about all the ridiculous stories they went through before Rose even rolled UP! to this pop stand. “You thought Papi was bad? CHECK THIS ONE OUT!”

Tasha: “You’re a better person that me. I’d have to beat a bitch down if she tried to do that shit to me.”
Alice: “Are you okay?”
Helena: “I’m perfect.”
Alice: “And don’t even get me started on her kids, ’cause where did they go?”

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Lesbian Squabble #13: When Your Love Lets You Go, You Only Want Love More, Even When Love Wasn’t What You Were Looking For
In the Ring: Helena vs. Dylan
Round Two: Helena runs out of the HIT Club, looking stunning I must add, and slams Dylan up against her car, and yells —

Helena: “I don’t give a FUCK who’s idea it was. You took part. You manipulated my emotions, you used me, and you humiliated me, and you’ve got to be fucking insane thinking you could just prance in here as if nothing ever happened, tell me that you’re happy, tell me that you’re out of the closet, tell me that you’re oh so sorry for destroying my fucking life. FUCK YOU.” [runs off still looking sexy]
Dylan: [shouting] “Thank you. Now at least I know you care.”
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That is a really retarded thing to say.
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Who wins? HELENA. Also, I feel like I could cut and paste that little speech onto a thousand people I’d like to say that to.

Riese: “Dylan’s number one feeling is Helena’s nipples.”
Carly: “My number one feeling is this fucking show.”

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Interlude: A Brief Riese PSA on the Topic of Shenny: A Fangirl Moment.

I dug Sholly, Sharmen, Shane-Cherie. I mourn those losses. But I dig Shenny too. By that I mean I dig the Shenny we’ve imagined in previous seasons when Jenny’s character made more sense. Clearly this season Jenny’s gonna be 1. Psycho, 2. Not Funny, 3. Not Referred to as Medically Insane and rather a total bitch for no reason.

But. For now. For the little bits at the start of Shenny, like the one we get tonight … they’ll be like what we’d imagined earlier. I think seeds were planted — either there’s something “more” between Shane & Jenny, or it’s a big empty leap and all the prior hints — the sexual tension, the Shane defending Jenny no matter what — were also big empty leaps re: their alleged best friendship. TLW likes those, so it’s possible (she’s done it with Tom & Max, Tasha & Alice, Helena & Tina, etc) that it’s just another empty leap.

But, it’s also totally possible that it could be serious deep love that’s never been brought to the surface before but the potential has always existed — the romantic love between them explains everything that’s happened before and it can translate easily into a relationship AND redic sexual tension. I’ve been hyper-invested/interested in Shane and Jenny all along so I’ve been paying hyper-attention to this since Season Two when I think it started, but if you aren’t like me and have been focusing elsewhere, this probs makes no sense.

They’re both damaged w/r/t personal histories, they’re self-destructive, complicated, they follow impulse over goodness. They struggle with dichotomy & loyalty. Shane wants to be a better person, and I think Jenny does too — or she did, once upon a time …

[What remains is mostly due to Mia & Kate.]

I don’t think Jenny inspires Shane to be a better person a là Molly & Carmen, but I think Shane thinks Jenny “gets her” in a way others don’t, that’s why she’s latched onto her from the start. So I buy it. I’ve been expecting it. I get why you don’t, but I do, and I love it.

Or maybe ’cause this show is weird and at least this interests me. I mean, Jenny witnessed Shane having sex in the pool on like her first day in WeHo, and it all comes back around!

Also I have another theory: Jenny is really good in bed. You know it’s the crazy ones who are always super good from the get-go ’cause there’s no self-consciousness, only pleasure. Remember how that was like, the core of her relationship with Carmen? With Carmen! Carmen goddess of the universe!

You guys got Bettina, let us have this! C’mon, do you think I’d ever defend a choice made on this fucking ridiculous excuse of a show unless I really meant it? IT’S IN THE OPENING CREDITS! We know the opening credits are there for mind control, don’t resist it.

Anyhow back to the show!!

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Shane’s finally had enough. She comes over to unlock the door and Jenny’s new BFF, The Crafty Chain Lock, foils Shane’s entrance. Jenny petulantly goes to the door and answers it. This really is not the same Jenny we knew in Season One, when it made logical sense not to like her personality, but it was possible to get her too.

Now she’s just a bitch all the time. Why? What are they doing to Jenny, they can’t do this unless it’s gonna be funny.

But Something Told Me to Run
Look at all the books on Shane’s shelf. She reads! Who knew?
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And Honey You Know Me It’s All Or None

Anyhow, Jenny wants to know if that’s it? Is Shane done trying? Is she gonna bow out before she even tries walking on broken glass? Shane doesn’t know what else she could do. She’s packing up.

Jenny stands in the hallway in her black dress, with her tendrils, looking sorta curvy and beautiful, like someone you’d want to take a nap with. Her legs are crossed, she fidgets, she looks down and plays with her fingers, she’s nervous. And Shane is in her room with a toothbrush in her mouth when Jenny begins to speak: “Shane, you know that it was you, right? When I said that ‘you broke my heart’? I was talking about you.” (sidenote: Mia’s Canadian accent is full-on this season!)

Shane stops moving, her brain starts shifting to wrap itself around this new idea.

“When I said it I felt like my heart was breaking,” Jenny continues, and then pauses as Shane comes out into the hallway and looks at her, wide-eyed like she does when she doesn’t have enough information to compute yet.

Shane feels terrible. It’s like if she can’t make this one work, if she can’t keep this one thing, then there’s no hope. Of course she’s said this 100 times before. But that’s what life is, we just do the same things over and over again, like every one will change everything.

The trying is all.
The mystery is all.

All I Know Is That I Should
Shane says: “I tried to tell you all week how sorry I am. I’m not ever gonna hurt you like that again.”
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“I also realized that I’m in love with you,” Jenny adds.
She shrugs one shoulder. “I’m just like all those stupid girls.”
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And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

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You meant more to me Than Anyone I Ever Loved at All
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Jenny walks to her room.
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Shane walks down the hallway, doing that thing she does with her hands when she doesn’t know if it’s okay to go where she’s going just yet …
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But You Taught Me How to Trust Myself And So I Say To You
Shane calls “Jenny?” and Jenny comes out and Shane hugs her super-tight.
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This is What I Have To Do
It might just be a friendship hug, a consolation hug, a thanks for the love but I just can’t hug, but it’s not. They part, and then Shane does that thing she does (the scoop undertowed lean-in with hand-grasping-head pre-kiss gesture) and,
ladies and pregnant gentleman,
they kiss.
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And 75% of the audience yells and throws sporks and Moon Pies and Dos Equis bottles at the teevee.

And 25% of the audience has the same freakout 75% of the audience had when Tina was hiding from her date in the back room at SheBar and Bette comes back and they talk and then Tina starts walking away and then Bette pulls her back and then they finally kiss again — episode 504.
YAY SHENNY!
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All I Know Is That I Should
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C’mon. Someone’s gotta make Shane feel completely dismantled …
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Lesbian Sexy Moment #4: You Slip Your Heart Into my Chest
The Players: Shane & Jenny
The Pick-Up: “Jenny?”
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I will say, though, that Jenny’s realization of this in 512 was weak — but it’s not that the build-up wasn’t done well, it’s the pivotal incident that didn’t work. Anyhoooo.
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THE END!!!
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The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 7 this episode, 13 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 4 total
Quote of the Week: Alice
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