Lesbian Lifestyle Unpopular Today: Maureen McCormick, Kim Zolciak, Alicia Keys h8 the Rumors

ANTI-COMING OUT DAY:
Despite our deep love for the lesbian lifestyle and general sapphicry, no one seems to be interested in joining our special secret club today! This is bogus, b/c it means:

1) The gay agenda isn’t working, possibly isn’t as popular as Focus on the Family thinks it is
2) “Lesbian chic” was a term invented by the media just to get attention and not because it is legitimately cooler to be a lesbian
3) Furthermore “Lesbian Chic” and “Bisexual Chic” are not trends, but rather actual characteristics of a human being unaffected by trends or homosexual brainwashing
4) Alice Pieszecki was not correct when she stated, “All girls are straight until they’re not.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta” star Kim Zolciak is pissed that everyone saw this picture of her with her girlfriend DJ Tracy Young and reported that she was in a lesbian relationship. Specifically, she’s pissed at some dude named Steve, who I guess is somehow involved with the show, who spoke to US Weekly about her lesbianism:

Last week, Real Housewives of New York star Simon van Kempen (who is married to Alex McCord) hinted to Us that Zolciak’s sexuality would be a storyline on the Bravo reality series.

“The rumor is that Kim Zolciak will come out this season,” he told Us at the Season 3 screening party at Tenjune in NYC.

‘Brady Bunch’ reunion has been nixed over old hints of lesbian affair between Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb. Apparently the two don’t want to be in the same room because they hate each other, and apparently they hate each other because Maureen McCormick “insinuated” in her book that she and Eve had a lesbian affair. McCormick insists the passage was taken out of context, which we’re positive is true, but Plum thinks that section was phrased the way it was on purpose to sell books. Cindy agrees:

“I don’t like there to be a rift in the family. I love them both and this means whenever we get together for any project there will only be one or the other. But I do understand Eve’s point of view,” [Susan] Olsen told Fox 411 last November. “She got tired of Maureen gaining attention for herself by regurgitating the tiresome and false insinuations that they had a lesbian affair.”

This is disappointing because not only did I read Growing up Brady (Greg Williams’ book, which lacked lesbian affairs but addressed Robert Reed’s life in the closet) and watch every single episode of The Brady Bunch, but I honestly love reunion specials.

Also, Alicia Keys wants to ‘set the record straight‘ over lesbian rumors, says The Improper.

But seriously: is this really a no one wants to be gay day, or a “media is sometimes annoying” day? In the Brady Bunch & Alicia Keys articles, headlines focused on relatively minor gay content in a larger story. Of course, the SEO-dominated world of internet journalism requires hyperbolic headlines to stay above water (Jon Stewart’s mocking of hyperbolic website headlines the past few weeks speak to this), but can we hold these ladies accountable for reacting negatively to something someone else started? [Sidenote: Yes, yes, Autostraddle’s headlines focus on relatively minor gay content in a larger story but that’s ’cause we’re a gay website, obvi. We’ll focus on the homo-related section of an interview while Self might focus on the workout-regimen aspect. Yannow?]

IRA GLASS FTW:
NPR’S This American Life is streaming this week its 2002 show about the American Psychiatric Association’s 1973 decision that Homosexuality was no longer a mental illness. (@npr)

JOHNNY WEIR:
Current’s “THAT’S GAY” looks at figure skater Johnny Weir:

DEPRESSION:
Depressions’ Upside: “The mystery of depression is not that it exists — the mind, like the flesh, is prone to malfunction. Instead, the paradox of depression has long been its prevalence. While most mental illnesses are extremely rare — schizophrenia, for example, is seen in less than 1 percent of the population — depression is everywhere, as inescapable as the common cold.” (@nytimes)

HOMOPHOBIA IN THE CHURCH:
The editors of Urban L Magazine on how “the religious bigotry in the black church is killing us as a people.” They compare the environment within black churches to “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”:

…if we do not talk about it, it doesn’t exist. Here lies the issue, the spread of homophobia in the church continues to be perpetuated because we are not standing up and being counted. We are not reaching into our own beliefs and truth about what we know about God. Which is he loves all of us, no matter what or who we are. We need to be grounded in our faith, in order to handle the comments that get thrown our way.

They quote this 2007 article in The New Black Magazine by Keith Boykin, in which Boykin wrote; “I’ve often said that homophobia would end in the black church if every black lesbian and gay person simply came out. The first thing we would realize is that many of the people running the churches are themselves gay,” which Urban L agrees is true within their church communities.

MODELING:
Crystal Renn is interviewed at the UK Independent: “Crystal Renn looks like a normal person, albeit a very beautiful one. And she doesn’t look like a size 16. She hears this a lot. In her book, she describes the constant trills from editors and stylists that she meets who tell her, by way of a compliment, that she doesn’t “look fat”. “It’s simply bizarre,” she writes, “that ‘normal’ is the new overweight.”

BROETRY:
In reaction to The Times Of London’s latest installment of “The Trouble With Women,” featuring “bro-etry” about how women need to lay off the Slim-Fast and lay on the poet, Jezebel commenters write their own reaction poems. It’s golden, really, just read it. (@jezebel)

INTERSEX:
Q: Caster Semenya, the real “Middlesex”? A: No.:News Blaze has published an op-ed piece called Caster Semenya, The Real Middlesex? which disappointingly fails to offer the ‘compare and contrast’ overview that the title might suggest. Instead, it’s simply an extended review of Jeffrey Eugenides’ 2002 novel Middlesex with just one passing reference to Caster Semenya.” (@bird of paradox)

COMING OUT:
Clay Aiken gave a speech at the HRC and it was actually pretty awesome? (@queerty)

PHONE ME:
10 Reasons to Avoid Talking On the Phone. I couldn’t have said it better myself ON EMAIL. (@gizmodo)

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2683 articles for us.

26 Comments

  1. Wow. Okay to all those comments about Weir. I knew they happened, but I never actually saw the clips or heard the real deal. Also, I don’t think his outfits are that outrageous?

    I’ve never really liked Clay Aiken either, but I have randomly met him.. hahaha. Weird story.

  2. Okay, I love Johnny Weir. I love Johnny Weir so much that if I was not gay before, I would have become gay just so I could be on the same team as Johnny Weir.

    I love Johnny Weir so much that I went to SF DocFest just to see Pop Star on Ice. My Dad bought me a Johnny Weir poster for Hanukkah. I LOVE JOHNNY WEIR.

    My greatest dream in life is that I would suddenly become a brilliant figure skater, and he and I would become partners, and everyone would talk about “Johnny and Jenny, the rainbow on ice” and we would mystify our competition and the judges would swoon and we would win gold, and all the little gay children would look up to us and be proud.

    /Jenny’s overshare of hopes and dreams

  3. Middlesex is a very good book that I recommend to everyone and no one ever takes my recommendation and reads it. I have lame friends, sometimes.

    Also, I HATE talking on the phone and everyone who works for me talks on the phone all day and every once in a while one of them screws up and I have to phone someone to apologize and that’s when I wish I had a flask in my desk because that’s how much I hate the phone. Usually when I call people to apologize I get stuck with a #7 from the article on the other end and it’s NO fun at all. No fun.

  4. Mon, who I met here on Autostraddle, loaned me her copy of Middlesex yesterday and I’m really looking forward to reading it. It’s got a few more pages than I’m used to. I hope it’s as good as Less Than Zero.

  5. The Brady Bunch and their scandals. What’s next? Is Alice going to issue a press release just to say that she really did love Sam the Butcher and wasn’t just dating him for the discount steaks? Will she say that her practical ways and sensible shoes were just that and not signs of The Gay?

  6. Alicia Keys. Methinks she doth protest too much. Same with Kelly Clarkson.
    Lindsay, you sure didn’t do good at spreading ‘lesbian chic’ in Hollywood. I wanted a leggings-esque global success. You failed us, Lindsay! Oh, wait, that’s right….being gay (or bisexual) is not something that is created by a ‘trend’…

  7. HELL YES CLAY AIKEN.

    He’s trained as a special ed teacher and is pretty passionate about children’s rights. He was (is?) a UNICEF ambassador and after the Acheh earthquake/tsunami he came over to the massive fundraiser concert in KL (IN MY OWN BACKYARD AND I DIDN’T KNOW IT TILL A WHILE LATER) he did a speech in pretty decent Malay. And not just “hi how are you” stuff, but complex thoughts. Wow.

    Dude should channel his snark into activism, he obv has the flair for it. (Also I hope his coming out brings on the Darren Hayes Effect a.k.a. exponentially better music post-coming-out.)

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