Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Gymnastics, Bikini Volleyball, and Synchronized Slapfights



Brandy: I only want to watch the lady events.

Julie: I wish they’d stick to one thing. You think the ladies are on and then two minutes later, per ushe, men take over. Sexist.

Brandy: Yeah. It bugs me how they mix it up. No guys want to watch Lady Ball Throwing. And no ladies want to watch Tyson Gay.That’s someone’s real name.

Julie: Ha. Tyson Gay Hooker.

Brandy: Let’s do a rundown of the betches that crushed it in the London Olympics 2012.

Julie: I can’t remember anyone’s name except Destinee Hooker. And Michelle Kwan. =))

Brandy: Destinee Hooker did kill it. You’re right. Although, they haven’t won totally, yet.

Julie: Oh, I didn’t realize they were still playing… ok… The gymnastics team.

Brandy: Michelle Kwan was a decade ago. And it was the Winter Olympics. But goood!!! You’re getting there.

Julie: In track one of the black ladies with good skin and one with braces.

Brandy: The track relay team – Carmelia Jeter led them. They set some kind of record.

Julie: Ok.

Brandy: Misty May and Kerri Walsh won gold for Volleyball.

Julie: Ok…

Brandy: The lady soccer team won I think. With Hope Floats and all them?

Julie: Yesyes they won.

Brandy: Lolo lost. But Americans got 2nd and 3rd. Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells were the Americans that beat Lolo and subsequently talked shit about her for being a fitness model.

Julie: Ha! Yeah – let’s call them Bjorns. There’s so many events we haven’t even seen. Ladies’ boxing.

Brandy: When is ladies’ boxing? Who’s the special lady in track? Is she American?

Julie: Yeah, she’s American… Allison something? Or last named Fox? I can’t remember, but I remember seeing the story that she lost the last two Olympics by like 100th of a second or something insane. And she finally won. They’re doing a commercial for it where Morgan Freeman narrates it and says congratulations, whatever your name is… you did it. The Olympics. Matter to some people. Etc. etc.

Brandy: Well, did you hear that the bitchy, sexy, cool, standoffish Russian won gold on bars??!!!!!

Julie: No!!

Brandy: Yes! She’s excited!

Julie: Aw, that’s good – she needed a gold. I wonder what she looks like when she’s happy.

Brandy: The women’s 4×100 won the relay race!

Julie: The lady with the ponytail is who won the individual form earlier.

Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don’t care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn’t change their lives the way it would change mine. I’m drunk.

Julie: I wish you could meet him. It’s not over yet… there’s still an opportunity. Ohhh.

Brandy: I love you.

Julie: I love you too. Are you drunk from beer or a combo?

Brandy: Just beer. Just a couple.

Julie: That’s cool. That sounds fun. Remember that menu you said – it had waffles and eggs benedict… =D

Brandy: Ha! Sometimes I like eggs benedict because it goes so fucking good with money and mimosas.

Julie: Hahahahha!!! Omg, that’s, THAT is funny. “Sometimes I like eggs benedict because it goes so fucking good with money and mimosas”. Yeah, I like it sometimes too.

Brandy: See? You have expensive taste. You want to be in the Chateau Marmont with a drunk Lindsay Lohan in the pool while we order chocolate chip pancakes and eggs benedict (to split) with two mimosas. And then we smoke cigarettes after we are done and do whatever drugs we want cuz we are celebrating Tom and Katie’s divorce.

Julie: Mmm, that sounds SO GOOD. This bitch is crying on the ground. And she really needs to pull it together and go do that in private.

Brandy: I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.

Julie: That’s a good rule.

Brandy: Drunk Olympic Musings.

Julie: I like that we can do any drugs we want after breakfast cause were celebrating Tom and Katie’s divorce.

Brandy: I’m also not gonna have any cellulite that day for some weird reason. And your hair is gonna be perfect with curls and not too short.

Julie: Ha!! With curls! You’re NOT gonna have any cellulite – that’s reality, betch.

Brandy: And your gonna have on your sports bra and board shorts and people are gonna come up and ask us if we know where Samantha Ronson is and we are gonna say hell naw! We haven’t seen that jungle troll since San Diego Pride. That betch FELL off.

Julie: Hahahahaha go on! Go on!!

Brandy: And then they need a DJ to spin at the pool so Lindsay gets out and grabs you and you guys go up there and start spinning. But I’m jealous and annoyed cuz I want to do it, too. So I text you songs and you play them for me and they’re crowd pleasers and inside I feel happy cuz together – we made the party fun. And we like Lindsay in our dream. Even though she’s scary and unsafe. So we dip in and dip out for funz.

Julie: Yeah that’s good. We don’t use her, we just enjoy her and get out when it’s good for us. We ain’t no vultures. Linda from Bob’s Burgers has to factor in somewhere. And Roger from American Dad becomes real and comes and parties.

Brandy: And Riese and Laneia and Marni and Megan and Rachel and Sarah and Robin and Carly and Alex and Croce and Crystal and Grace and Haviland and Ashley and Emily and Jess and Taylor and Laura and Stef and Annika and Carmen and Gabby and Brittani and Hannah and all the campers are there. And everyone gets sprayed with water and jumps in the pool, but no one is mad cuz everyone is sexy and Lindsay Lohan gets blamed.

Julie: Ahahahahaha!! Amazing! Just the list of names alone deserves a medal. That’s a great one.

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julie and brandy

has written 20 articles for us.


  1. Remember that time I thought for a hot second you got Julie Foudy and Brandi Chastain to do an article for Autostraddle.

    • Brandi would slam the AS Julie and Brandy passive-aggressively and mention how much better the ‘old school’ way is…

      • And then Julie and Brandy would respond by aggressively accusing Brandi of not understanding that the game has changed in last decade and maybe she should learn how to do her job

    • I’m not big on the whole technical side of things so I don’t know how to DM you or whatevs that shit is referred too, but I just thought you should know the following…
      Thanks for making Autostraddle.
      You are more awesome than a unicorn flying over times square eating a poptart whilst shitting a fire rainbow whilst finding the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict, whilst roundhousing Chuck Norris in the face.

  2. Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3


    Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don't care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn't change their lives the way it would change mine. I'm drunk.

    i may as well go to sleep now because nothing else i read today can top this.

  3. “April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too” :D :D

    “are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?” :D

    I loved this whole post. Thank you one and all. Please let’s have more drunken musings from Julie and Brandy whenever possible.

  4. “I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.”


    Also Julie and Brandy should totes come to london and eat pizza with a fork and a knife with me

  5. ahahahahahahaha – THIS –>

    “I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!”

    …thought Synchronized Swimming was the stupidest thing EVER. Seeing it in a whole new light now. Many thanks.

  6. I always find it amusing when people who aren’t from England have this perception of it being really sophisticated and English people being really refined going around in top hats. God it couldn’t be further from the truth. But anyways, this is hilarious. Thanks.

  7. I feel like, except for the night she won gold, Aliya Mustafina went back to the Olympic Village after every event and totally trashed her room in anger. And yet I kind of love her at the same time.

  8. I’m glad the underrated posts post sent me back here because I didn’t make it very far the first time. The graphics are amazing and hilarious! Favorites: PAMPLEMOUSSE, dead Russian puppet synchronized swimming, Morgan Freeman.

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