Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Gymnastics, Bikini Volleyball, and Synchronized Slapfights


Brandy: This is the Women’s 200 meter, right? Yes. And Allison Schmitt just killed it. She’s about to win the gold up in this bitch.

Julie: Yeah, she killed it. I can’t even swim one length of a pool. She did it four times in under two minutes.

Brandy: Fuck yeah!

Julie: She’s lady Michael Phelps. I HATE that blonde asshole Missy Franklin. She sounds like the Family Guy “where’s the food” character.

Brandy: The other American?

Julie: Yeah. Miss Franklin if you’re nasty. Haha! YES. I don’t wanna see Ryan Seacrest anymore.

Brandy: I’m gonna tune out during men’s swimming. Between Michael Phelps and Ryan Seacrest, I’m over it.

Julie: I’m channel surfing. I’m gonna watch Mysteries at the Smithsonian.

Brandy: I’ll tell you when to turn back. Oh, this is that 16 year-old Chinese chick swimmer who beat Ryan Lochte’s time. And they accused her of juicing. No one can believe what this bitch pulled out of her ass.

Julie: Yeah, of course not. And you know why. SEXISM.

Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3

Julie: They should have the genderqueer olympics.


(Bronze match American Mariel Zagunis vs Ukranian Olga Kharlan )

Brandy: Right now men’s volleyball is on, which clearly won’t cut it.

Julie: No. Yuck.

Brandy: When the fuck is this Men’s going off? What size shoe do you wear?

Julie: Not soon enough. Why can’t the women wear tank tops and shorts like the men? I hate the women’s costumes, they’re always so much more revealing, it’s bullshit.

Brandy: Is it finally on?

Julie: No, I just saw the men and got annoyed. It’s on a commersh now – Fencing! Yes. America. The bronze medal match.

Brandy: Women’s Fencing!!!!!

Julie: Are you watching?

Brandy: That’s the lady that I stood on the commercial for.

Julie: Cool!! She’s veryyy aggressive!

Brandy: Mariel Zagunis. She was the flag bearer for America during the Parade of Nations.

Julie: I know nothing of fencing. Ohh I wonder how they pick that person. En guard. Allez. Attack no. I wonder if it’s just always French shit.

Brandy: And apparently she just lost the gold medal match to a Chinese lady. So, this match is for the bronze. And that’s why she’s SO PISSED! And kicking this bitch’s ASS.

Julie: Ohhhhh. Yeah, you can tell she’s pissed.

Brandy: She’s already won 2 golds. She’s not down with bronze.

Julie: How does one get into fencing. Touche!

Brandy: Is it ‘touche’ that he’s saying?

Julie: I think so. Maybe it’s douche.

Brandy:… I have no diet food in my house. It’s disappointing.

Julie: No? No lettuce?

Brandy: Well, yeah I do have lettuce. But nothing to make it acceptable as a meal.

Julie: I had a morning snack and I won’t eat again until “dinner.”

Brandy: What was your snack?

Julie: Hardboiled egg.

Brandy: Nice! Just one?

Julie: Yeah. I think I have 2 left. Gotta make it last.

Brandy: Very anorexic. I like your style.

Julie: I also have two boxes of mac and cheese… I haven’t opened them yet… but there will come that day.

Brandy: Kraft? Or Annie’s.

Julie: No bullshit Ralph’s.

Brandy: Yes. Boxed Mac and Cheese doesn’t have that many calories. It just doesn’t have any nutrients really either. What kind of last name is Zanugis? Zagunis.

Julie: Ha yeah.. Mac and cheese has less calories than ramen. Daphen zgaunis? Daphne. Uhm…ohyeahyeah Zagunis… I’m gonna look – Greek?

Brandy: Ooooooooh. Good guess! When I met her on set she was reeeeeaaaallly nice. So there’s that. I’m sure some of these people are assholes (like maybe Lochte).

Julie: Lochte seems like he is THE WORST. Ew, that bitch screamed like that. Oh no.

Brandy: Aww. Daphne Zanugis just lost. Fuck.

Julie: Oh well, she already had two gold medals. I don’t feel that bad anymore.

Brandy: Yeah, but she wanted a third. And that was disappointing. And all Americans need ALL the golds. All the Golds, Hunty!

Julie: Hahaha! Ok, Hunty. You’re right, you’re right. Until I get my gold medal in the form of a huge salary, I don’t give a fuck.

Brandy: And fuck bronze. I’d rather she get nothing than bronze. Bronze is so bootleg.

Julie: Ha! “I’d rather she get nothing than bronze.” Put a pin in that quote. You’d be a great coach.

Brandy: You’d be a great student. I’d be a mean coach. How funz! I missed my calling.

Julie: Ha. I would. I would.

Brandy: I’ll just have to be mean to you while I coach you in cooking:-)

Julie: Yeah it’d be such torture but the pleasing you would be such a victory. Athletes love that shit. Yeah, see – you didn’t miss your calling. You have lots of students.

Brandy: I’m living the dream! Well, that was short. The one good thing about fencing is that it’s over quickly. Let’s watch Wendy Williams reruns now.


(Jennifer Kessy and April Ross) vs SPAIN

Brandy: USA Beach TittyBall !!!!!!! USA vs Spain. Their asses are OUT.

Julie: I wonder if any bottoms ever fall off.

Brandy: Why are the bathing suits so small in the back?? Is that really necessary?

Julie: That’s what I’ve been saying! I mean, Jesus, put on some fucking shorts. It pisses me off. Sexism. I don’t get it.

Brandy: Put on some shorts! Nooooooo. Fuck that. Take off your bottoms:) And your tops.

Julie: Ha. Right. God, they have flat stomachs and bubbly butts. That’s what I want.

Brandy: Their cores are very powerful. More like trunks. The score is 15 -11 USA. How much longer is this match gonna go?

Julie: Yeah!

Brandy: The one girl’s stomach sticks out. Which makes me feel better about my pot.

Julie: Pot. Ha. I’d be thrilled if my stomach looked like any of those pots. I would not, however, be thrilled with being lipless. Would I trade thin lips for a flat stomach however? Tough one.

Brandy: Sorry, but the Spain girls are waaaaaay sexier. And you know that’s how I judge.

Julie: Yes, they are way sexier. And so they win.

Brandy: Sorry, America.

Julie: Yeah, sorry. Lo siento. Ahhh thorreh. I love it when ladies wear those sunglasses as fashion. Dana Goldberg.

Brandy: Ahhahahahahahaha! So fucking dorky. Lots of lezzes do that. This game moves fast. They get a lot of points.

Julie: April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too.

Brandy: Ross is the one with the pinched nose, right? No. That’s Kessey.

Julie: Why don’t they have beach soccer. Idiots play that at the beach.

Brandy: Their butts look sexy.

Julie: Yeah, nice butts.

Brandy: I can’t even pay attention to the game. I just look at their bodies and their skin quality. I guess I’m the sexist. But we knew that.

Julie: We did. It’s ok. You’re allowed. You have a special pass. It’s not really sexist though because you’re like that towards all. You’re equal opportunity… an appreciator of beauty and skin. And hotness.

Brandy: This volleyball game never ends.

Julie: God, just finish already.

Brandy: I’m jumping around looking at these girls’ butts, focusing on melting my cellulite away. Are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?

Julie: It’s on. I guess they’re on their matchpoint. They just won. Ameriiicaaca.

Brandy: Whoa! That was kind of exciting there at the end. We won! Fuck YOU, SPAIN!!!! Poor sportsmanship with Brandy and Julie.

Julie: Ha! Yeah that’s what this “blog” should be called. Chinga tu madre Spain.

Brandy: Well, they can sleep tonight knowing they had the better bodies and therefore, the better lives.

Julie: Good point. Yeah, go get drunk and look at your hot bodies in the mirror and speak more than one language. And then. Agoooofugyrelves.

Next: Synchronized swimming and BMX!

Pages: 1 2 3 4See entire article on one page

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julie and brandy

has written 20 articles for us.


  1. Remember that time I thought for a hot second you got Julie Foudy and Brandi Chastain to do an article for Autostraddle.

    • Brandi would slam the AS Julie and Brandy passive-aggressively and mention how much better the ‘old school’ way is…

      • And then Julie and Brandy would respond by aggressively accusing Brandi of not understanding that the game has changed in last decade and maybe she should learn how to do her job

    • I’m not big on the whole technical side of things so I don’t know how to DM you or whatevs that shit is referred too, but I just thought you should know the following…
      Thanks for making Autostraddle.
      You are more awesome than a unicorn flying over times square eating a poptart whilst shitting a fire rainbow whilst finding the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict, whilst roundhousing Chuck Norris in the face.

  2. Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3


    Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don't care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn't change their lives the way it would change mine. I'm drunk.

    i may as well go to sleep now because nothing else i read today can top this.

  3. “April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too” :D :D

    “are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?” :D

    I loved this whole post. Thank you one and all. Please let’s have more drunken musings from Julie and Brandy whenever possible.

  4. “I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.”


    Also Julie and Brandy should totes come to london and eat pizza with a fork and a knife with me

  5. ahahahahahahaha – THIS –>

    “I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!”

    …thought Synchronized Swimming was the stupidest thing EVER. Seeing it in a whole new light now. Many thanks.

  6. I always find it amusing when people who aren’t from England have this perception of it being really sophisticated and English people being really refined going around in top hats. God it couldn’t be further from the truth. But anyways, this is hilarious. Thanks.

  7. I feel like, except for the night she won gold, Aliya Mustafina went back to the Olympic Village after every event and totally trashed her room in anger. And yet I kind of love her at the same time.

  8. I’m glad the underrated posts post sent me back here because I didn’t make it very far the first time. The graphics are amazing and hilarious! Favorites: PAMPLEMOUSSE, dead Russian puppet synchronized swimming, Morgan Freeman.

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