Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Gymnastics, Bikini Volleyball, and Synchronized Slapfights


Brandy: Synchronized Swimming!!! They look like underwater aliens. It’s so scary. It’s making me feel weird inside. Like, yeah, they’re synchronized, but is it worth it??

Julie: Ha, no, it’s not. It’s useless. It’s pointless. Like the Olympics. Their makeup is scary. It’s so aggressive. It just looks like they’re drowning.

Brandy: They’re trying to be like dolls or clowns or puppets or something. And it’s CREEPY.

Julie: Ew, I hate clowns. YUK scary creepy Russian dead water puppets.

Brandy: It does kind of feel like the Olympics are pointless. Espesh now with the way politics are. The only people who’ve gotten really into it are people who are unemployed. Like us.

Julie: Yeah it does. Especially with the way my life politics are. Like, I’m glad you gerls are a thing and your bathing suits barely cover your bulging hip bones. But I don’t have a job and I’m pretty sure my eggs are dead. Sooooo…where are we going with this? And what have you done for me lately? Here comes China. Marching. Do you think anyone has ever sold a sitcom by doing synchronized swimming? I don’t. All I can think about now is Chinese food.

Brandy: When I think of synchronized swimming I never pictured it this aggressive. Their legs look murderous.

Julie: Ha, yeah their legs do look murderous! Do you think anyone has ever drowned doing this?

Brandy: I hope so.

Julie: Now all I can visualize is someone throwing like weird shit in the pool. Like a bag of chips. Or a Coke can.

Brandy: They should have people throw Doritos into the pool and they’ll catch them in their mouths in a synchronized fashion!

Julie: Hahahahahha! Yeshajajajjajaja. Thank you, oh thank you. I needed that. Like seals. They should have Olympic people seals.

Brandy: Yes! Synchronized Seal Dancing.

Julie: Yeah! Here’s USA. This is hilarious… The way they march in. I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!

Brandy: Oooooh! Synchronized slap fight! Now there’s an idea. Why do they all do the Prozac smile? It’s really frightening.

Julie: It’s so gross. They’re like people who work at Disney.

Brandy: Here’s how it needs to go: Synchronised slap fight into synchronised cunnilingus into synchronised striptease ending in naked Dorito catching/eating.

Julie: Hahaha! Omg! Yes. I mean, that’s it. Hands washed. Done.

Brandy: And it’s over! Perfect timing. I’m sorry, but you were right. That’s the most useless sport ever.

Next: Track and Xanax!

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julie and brandy

has written 20 articles for us.


  1. Remember that time I thought for a hot second you got Julie Foudy and Brandi Chastain to do an article for Autostraddle.

    • Brandi would slam the AS Julie and Brandy passive-aggressively and mention how much better the ‘old school’ way is…

      • And then Julie and Brandy would respond by aggressively accusing Brandi of not understanding that the game has changed in last decade and maybe she should learn how to do her job

    • I’m not big on the whole technical side of things so I don’t know how to DM you or whatevs that shit is referred too, but I just thought you should know the following…
      Thanks for making Autostraddle.
      You are more awesome than a unicorn flying over times square eating a poptart whilst shitting a fire rainbow whilst finding the solution to the Israeli-Palestine conflict, whilst roundhousing Chuck Norris in the face.

  2. Brandy: No one can sleep at night ’cause a girl beat a boy. And that’s just too fucking bad!!! <3


    Brandy: It does hurt my feelings when people I know meet Obama because they don't care about him the way I do. And meeting him doesn't change their lives the way it would change mine. I'm drunk.

    i may as well go to sleep now because nothing else i read today can top this.

  3. “April Ross is one of the most feared servers in the world. When I was a waiter that’s what they said about me, too” :D :D

    “are you still watching tittyball? Or are you done?” :D

    I loved this whole post. Thank you one and all. Please let’s have more drunken musings from Julie and Brandy whenever possible.

  4. “I think a rule to live by is: if you wear a necklace made of candy – don’t expect to win the Olympics.”


    Also Julie and Brandy should totes come to london and eat pizza with a fork and a knife with me

  5. ahahahahahahaha – THIS –>

    “I want a face in vadge under water. Right now. Or one pops out of the water and the other slowly undresses the other all while smiling with a crazy synchronized kook face. Or maybe they get in a synchronized face slap fight. You know what? Just make out. Just start making out. Show us your tits!”

    …thought Synchronized Swimming was the stupidest thing EVER. Seeing it in a whole new light now. Many thanks.

  6. I always find it amusing when people who aren’t from England have this perception of it being really sophisticated and English people being really refined going around in top hats. God it couldn’t be further from the truth. But anyways, this is hilarious. Thanks.

  7. I feel like, except for the night she won gold, Aliya Mustafina went back to the Olympic Village after every event and totally trashed her room in anger. And yet I kind of love her at the same time.

  8. I’m glad the underrated posts post sent me back here because I didn’t make it very far the first time. The graphics are amazing and hilarious! Favorites: PAMPLEMOUSSE, dead Russian puppet synchronized swimming, Morgan Freeman.

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