If Lesbian/Bi Celebrities Were 90s Boy/Girl Bands

Does anyone remember the 90s? It seems like a lost decade oft overlooked. Curious, no one is with me on this, given its proximity and the wackadoodle things we gave the go-ahead to, like 3,500 boy/girl bands packed into a mere decade. Not all boy/girl bands have stood the test of time — sorry 5ive and Dream — but the ones that have leave a bit to the imagination when it comes to queer sensibilities. That’s why I’ve used mine to give us the heroes we’ve always needed.


N*SYNC

N*SYNC
Justin – The Superstar (Ellen DeGeneres)
J.C. – Justin’s Sidekick (Portia de Rossi)
Chris K. – The One That Seemed Sort Of Over It (Sara Gilbert)
Joey – The Comedian (Wanda Sykes)
Lance – The Squeaky Clean One (Chely Wright)


BACKSTREET BOYS

BACKSTREET

Howie – The Quiet Softy (Tracy Chapman)
Nick – The Cute N’ Cocky One (Samira Wily)
AJ – The “Bad Boy” (Ruby Rose)
Kevin – Everyone’s Dad (Jodie Foster)
Brian – The Understated Presence (Tig Notaro)


TLC

TLC

Left Eye – The Controversial One (Raven Symone)
T-Boz – Cropped & Cool (Halsey)
Chilli – The Girl Next Door (Patricia Velasquez)


IMMATURE

IMMATURE

Batman – The Smooth Dreamboat (AzMarie Livingston)
Romeo – The Shy One With Style (Samantha Ronson)
LDB – The Jokester (Tegan Quin) [LDB doesn’t look like a jokester here or anywhere but I read it in a magazine once.]


Spice Girls

SPICE

Sporty – The Sporty-In-A-Tailored-Way One (Jackie Warner)
Scary – The Big Personality (Jane Lynch)
Posh – The Aloof One (Cara Delevingne)
Ginger – The Cheeky, Brazen One (Margaret Cho)
Baby – The Adorable One (Faustina “Fuzzy” Agolley)


98 Degrees

98

Justin – The One That Just Seemed Happy To Be There (Billie Jean King)
Drew – The One With The Hat (Tasha Van Ree)
Nick – The Hunk (Jenny Shimizu)
Jeff – The Harmonizer (The Indigo Girls)


New Kids On The Block

NKOTB

Danny – The One Destined For A Life In Fitness (Jillian Michaels)
Jordan – The Coiffed Cutie (Cameron Esposito)
Joey – The Young Cutie (Ellen Page)
Jonathan – The Sensitive One (Sara Quin)
Donnie – The Wise Guy (Rosie O’Donnell)

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Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

45 Comments

  1. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
    So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
    I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,
    I wanna really really really wanna see the lesbian/bi Spice Girls sing

  2. You know, I never really understood my friends’ fascination with boy bands growing up (one had an entire wall covered with Backstreet Boys pics) but I am fairly confident if they had looked like the above I’d have totally been into them.

  3. I’m so glad u made Brian Tig Notaro, Hero Of Our Times, because I’m p sure Brian is who I chose to marry during a rousing playground game of “I shout an accusation at you while also throwing a Dodgeball at you, and if you catch the ball, the accusation is TRUE”

    “YOU LOVE BRIAN FROM BACKSTREET BOYS”

    *catches ball*

    “wait which one is Brian?”

    (they all looked the same to me, that is: like adult men, which is embarrassing because I was such a backstreet boys fan. “NSYNC MORE LIKE NSTINK” – me, aged nine)

    In retrospect I’m really glad they didn’t say, like, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, because then I would have been outed as the one kid probably in the entire US of A who didn’t know who the Hell Jonathan Taylor Thomas was.

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