Hello sexy beasts, Happy Tuesday!
Although I’m not one of those people with the “Kill Your Television” bumper stickers (mostly because I think bumper stickers are super tacky), I never really watched too much TV and I still don’t pay for cable. That is, until I worked in television and until I started dating TV’s number one fan, Carlytron. Because Carly has a super awesome television job, sometimes she has to deal with deadlines, among other things. TV is super important like that. So this week I am hijacking her normal post because she sadly won’t be able to write it, in order to write something of my own, incorporating Tron-ness into the fabric of the piece, trying to convey as much Carlytron as I can, because duh, TV is HER thing.
So this week I decided to ask Carly about the interesting/hilarious/ridiculousness happenings on the old boob tube (hee hee) and that I would do my best to create a visual representation of each show!! Oh, and if you’re looking for real recaps, they’ve got plenty over at TWoP.
My Life on the D-List
We watched this one together because as I mentioned earlier, I don’t have cable. I actually didn’t even have cable when I worked for a cable TV channel. I should have been fired, but instead I quit, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.
So, Kathy Griffin is amazing and I’m coming to appreciate her hilarity more and more each time I tune in to her show. Her mom Maggie reminds me of my very own grandmother and therefore I absolutely adore her. Kathy had her mother create a bucket list, which included things like “having a nice dinner” and meeting her favorite Golden Girl. This ended up being one of our favorite episodes ever, primarily thanks to the presence of the one and only Betty White and an amazing trip to wine country, or as Maggie called it “the wine section.” Carly came up with a haiku to illustrate this episode. (Let’s just say there was some drinking involved.)
Carlytron’s haiku:
Welcome to Sizzler.
Thank you for being a friend.
I love Betty White.
My visual representation of this episode:
Weeds
Didn’t watch this until very recently after hearing Carlytron go on and on about it. I have always loved Mary Louise Parker so I decided to give it a try. Needless to say, I liked it and have A LOT of catching up to do.
Carly: “It occurred to me tonight, while on my 3rd beer, that if Nancy were the lead on any other show (*cough* Carrie Bradshaw *cough*), I’d totally hate her for being so selfish and insane. Additionally, on a less awesome show (*cough* Grey’s Anatomy *cough*) I’d probably be really exhausted of all the stupid plot twists and totally outlandish situations. But I’m not! I think Weeds gets a free pass forever in my book. It can Do No Wrong, much like The Lynch.”
I concur, Carly.
This week on Weeds, there was a lot going on.
The Top 10 Weird Things That Happened On Last Week’s Weeds:
10. Shane shoots and kills his teacher’s pet bird.
9. Nancy almost kills said teacher with a baseball bat after he pushes Shane around (did I mention she’s preggers?).
8. Alanis Morisette plays an OB-GYN and is, seemingly, the most normal person on the show.
7. Doug and Silas have a meeting with this dude and are then attacked by a samurai.
6. Doug and Silas argue like father and son until Silas punches Doug in the face… and then they’re cool.
5. Celia finds a dead body in Nancy’s garage.
4. Celia watches some goons dispose of the body, blackmails Nancy for Ikea money.
3. Andy dates a woman who is a virgin and was in love with his dead brother, Judah. He has to pretend to be Judah on their date.
2. Andy and said virgin lady have sex under a boardwalk surrounded by defecating, vomiting homeless dudes. This earns him around $200,000, if memory serves me.
1. Nancy DITCHES EVERYONE except Shane and runs away to go live with Esteban in Mexico.
Here’s how I see it:
Nurse Jackie
Carlytron: “Just give this show an Emmy already, ok? Please?”
Since Carlytron used to be emo and apparently had a livejournal (really, Carly?), it was decided a stream-of-consciousness-type of onomatopoeia thingy was in order. Carly came up with this:
pop
fizz
crush
crumble
zap
snort
sniff
cry
squeeze
I came up with this picture because I’m not sure about any of those words, but this show makes so many comments and creates so many different storylines around different addictions.
I mean, c’mon. You were always thinking it. Look at those eyes! I would like to note that we here at Autostraddle do not ‘encourage’ using illegal ‘drugs’ or even legal ‘drugs’ for recreational purposes. Did you hear that Utah web-hosting companies? Good. And no, its not sugar… its Splenda!
Better Off Ted
Was! Not! On! Lame. If there is anyone out there who does not watch this show, please go find a mirror to stand in front of and appoligize for not treating yourself better. Right now, I’ll wait. You are really missing out if you don’t tune in.
How we felt:
So You Think You Can Dance
I love love love this show. Carly has this idea to create and produce and star in a show called “So You Thought You Could Dance?”. (Emphasis on the question mark.) The show will be about people who love dancing and think they can dance really well, but probably would just not make the cut. This will be after she learns to pop-and-lock. Anyways, I watch this show with her every week. Sometimes we all get a little teary-eyed at the Mia Michaels routine combined with Mia’s alternative lifestyle haircut which just makes us ooze with lesbian love. This week was pretty awesome.
Our favorite dance of the night:
Kupono and Kayla’s Mia Michael’s Contemporary routine
And Thursday night’s group dance:
Hot Girl of the Week Award
It was suggested around Autostraddle this week that we give this award to Carlytron because she appears on television and because, duh, she’s a hottie.
However, as I promised her I would give this award to someone else, I will dedicate this Hot Girl to her. Carly finds it hilarious and amusing that while I am most of the time a very amiable person and find most people endearing and wonderful, I have a strong aversion to a lovable TV host who she (and everyone I know) seem to like. And no, its not Ryan Seacrest, although he will get the Hot Girl of the Week Award eventually I’m sure. And I’m sure I will get some hate letters for this.
So without further ado, the most annoying host on TV the hot girl of the week goes to Cat Deeley of So You Think You Can Dance! You know the one who can’t say the word judges and tries really super hard to be cute and FAILS. (I know, its so out of character for me to hate like this.) I will admit, she is super duper hot and is always impeccably styled. So this ones for you Carlytron.
Great job filling in for Carly.
I tried my best! This is possibly the weirdest post I’ve done or will ever do. :)
Haikus are SO IN right now:
http://jezebel.com/5314413/movie-review-haiku-bruno
My sister and I have held several debates regarding “who’s more annoying: Cat Deeley or Samantha Harris” (Dancing with the Stars). It’s one of life’s mysteries that we may never solve.
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Awesome job filling in! I enjoy how you added how your take in the form of visual representations. Who doesn’t love slabs of meat dressed up in pearls?
Thank God I don’t want Dancing with the Stars- Cat Deeley is enough annoying host for me! :)
Good job Robin! I am here to show support you and Carly;)
I don’t watch these shows.
I lost interest in Weeds last season.
I’m watching True Blood, Intervention, Obsessed, Top Chef Masters and Chopped (aka, 3 dudes and a lesbian make funky, weird food with unreasonable time limits!)
Good Summer TV is scarce. When Fall comes the DVR is going to overflow!
You & Laneia should come to NYC so we can have a battle of the cute couples.
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I also lost interest in Weeds actually every time I try to watch it I get super confused. I just keep thinking “hey that’s the dude from angels in america.”
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I also watch Intervention.
I love ‘Chopped’! It blows my mind.
dear robin,
lately, it has been brought to my attention that you are one half of The Cutest Couple Alive Ever. you can blame brooke.
ps this was all kinds of awesome
pps now that i have a tv again, i am watching ‘better off ted’
xoxo laura
Yes! Carbin has won Brooke’s Favorite Couple EVER Award (Sorry to every other couple I know). And Carly, as per our conversation, I have already ordered the grand prize.
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Also, I cannot actually read through this whole post as I am two episodes behind on Weeds, the only show I sort of attempt to watch on the reg. But what I’ve been able to read is just delightful.
Dear Laura, You are so sweet!!! Glad you enjoyed the post. Dear Brooke, What!?!?! Prize!!?!? Tell me what it is!!
It’s a surprise! Your other half doesn’t know what it is either. And she probably thought I was kidding when I agreed that there should be a prize. However, I never joke when it comes to prizes! Congratulations on your win!
I hope we win your love and approval. That’s all I want really. That and a nice dinner at Sizzler.
You won my love and approval probably around the day I met you both?
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I had to google Sizzler.
i have narrowed it down to 3 possible things, as i do not remember what i had actually said to brooke, but based on my brain and how it works, it is one of three things.
maybe it’s a dreidel with your faces on it instead of hebrew letters? maybe not?
maybe they’re pillows with her face on them.
and by “her” i obviously mean brooke.
For only $20 each! How’d you guess?? – http://bit.ly/a9KEG
i’m legitimately upset that this wasn’t a link to a picture of an ACTUAL pillow with brooke’s face on it. can we get on this?
Hi Katrina! Ask and ye shall receive: http://bit.ly/2enhqW
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Did I really just do that? Yes, I did.
Great job! I loved the visual representations.
I’m sorta in love with Cat Deely, she lights up my tv screen / friday nights. Ever noticed how she really really likes to hug and kiss the dancers when speaking to them? That girl can’t get enough cuddles and I find it endearing.
Thanks Crystal! :) I’m glad you enjoyed my weirdo visuals. I know, she’s cute to 99.9999% of human beings. Something must be wrong with me I think.
ummmmm the visual representations were AMAZING. can we please have them every week?
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also, i’d like to nominate Roemer to The Lynch status, as she can also do no wrong.
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thirdly: steak in a cardigan!
I have officially found my target audience. What if Carly and I did an exhibition in which she writes haikus about popular TV shows and I do pictures? That’d be way fun. Too bad no one has that kind of time. :(
Cat Deeley is annoying! her nose goes wayyyyyy off to one side as in is disturbingly/obscenely crooked.
Visual representations of everything FTW!
I love you. Thank you. :)
Gahhhh as if meat didn’t creep me out already! Such a vividly visual Televisionary this week.
all our interns are afraid of meat!
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that being said, i also won’t eat steak so maybe I am also afraid of meat. I just typed “stake” and “meet” instead of “steak” and “meat” the first time I wrote that sentence, so maybe I am also afraid of spelling.
not all
i felt like i had commented on this post but then i hadn’t! hi robin! that meat thing scared me and not just because i am scared of meat in general! you look like carmen sandiego in that picture up top and that makes me happy because I LOVE GEOGRAPHY!
i want a six-sided dreidel with all of team autostraddle nyc’s faces on it, and laneia and crystal’s faces on pieces of vegan hanukkah gelt. brooke, is that in our budget?
i don’t own a tv! hi robin!
hiiii STEF!!! Miss youuuu!!!
Hm, it’s possible, I’ll have to check the numbers. However, pillows with my photo on them absolutely are!
nurse jackie photo is awesome. Great show. more ugly doll photos Robin! plz.
I would just like to stick up for my girl and mention that I, too, had a livejournal as did everyone we knew. Because we ALL were emo.
Wait.
Also, good job filling in, dude.
haha. True true. I would have had a live journal if my family had a computer is I was in high school. For real.
Also, I’m on my third beer and obvs forgot how to proofread. awesome. Hi Jane!!!
I just saw Carlytron on my tv! Totally hot girl of the week! Although I do love Cat so much, I’m sorry you don’t feel the same. Great post!
i love the carmen sandiego-style pic. how can you take such awesome photos of yourself?
This post is full of win! I would just like to say that even though I had (erm, have) a LiveJournal (it’s much neglected) and my hair is sort of in my face, I am not now, nor have I ever been emo ;P I have a tv AND cable… but I don’t watch much of anything, so I like to read this each week and feel like I’m in the know. I have only seen SYTYCD twice but I think that chick Cat was kind of annoying. I vote for Carly. It’s fun when I see her on my tv (I do watch Logo even if I don’t watch Better of Ted…)
Yay! Carly wins! Am I the only one without a past/present LiveJournal.. I think so. :)
Uhhh sorry- that was actually me- I’m on Carly’s computer. whoops!!
i totally had a livejournal and secretly every year i update it to fill out that survey about what you did that year. i had a deadjournal too! before livejournal, i had a scribble. so many feelings!
OMG, I love that fucking survey. i actually reference it sometimes when I’m trying to remember when things happened. I think I went through two livejournals, i had to switch when my boyfriend’s other girlfriend was hot on my trail. I still sign in from time to time to think about how much cooler I am now. Kinda.
I totally had a Deadjournal, too! Plus, the 400 other Livejournal knock-offs there were in LJ’s heyday. My girlfriend makes fun of me because, essentially, if I can make a profile on a site, I do it, even if it’s irrelevant and pointless.
do you guys do True Blood?
this is wonderful. robin roemer is the only person who will ever convince me that a steak wearing a wig is cute.
I’m glad I can do that for you Katrina.