You guys know who sucks? Dr. Owen Hunt sucks. Fact.
After putting his face all over Amelia’s face on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, he goes ahead and starts this episode by shuffling awkwardly up to her in the scrub room to make inept innuendos. I don’t blame him for wanting to get in there, but come on, Amelia! You’re a superhero! Amelia’s pager goes off, giving her a better time that she’s going to get when she meets up with Owen later. She makes her getaway while Owen heads down to the pit to find that his mother, Evelyn, has been admitted after falling and whacking her noodle in the shower. She’s accompanied by a paramedic named John—a generic name for a generically handsome fellow—whose noodle she herself has been whacking for a good six months now.
Owen, because he is the worst, flies into a rage and grounds his mom immediately. “No WiFi for you,” he shrieks, flapping around the trauma room. “No allowance! Give me your phone, and go straight to your room!”
For a second, it seems like Owen is going to redeem himself. He brings his mom some socks and underoos, but as soon as she starts trying to talk to him about Generic John, he claps his hands over his ears and starts shouting “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
Owen: He’s using you.
Evelyn: For what? Sex? God bless him.
Owen: I don’t understand why you won’t let me control every aspect of your life. Why will none of the women in my life let me control every aspect of their life? It’s almost like my Straight White Dude Privilege doesn’t extend to all corners of the earth!
After Owen’s tantrum, Evelyn tells Generic John that she thinks it would be best if he left. Generic John has done nothing worthy of face punching, and I actually feel quite sad for him. Even more so when Evelyn cries out in pain and grabs her stomach. She’s got an undiagnosed aneurism in her stomach that has ruptured. Webber hustles her into surgery, and Owen goes out to the waiting room to shoo Generic John away. Generic John refuses to be moved. He just wants to make sure his girlfriend is okay, a thing Owen might take some notes on.
Webber repairs Evelyn’s aneurism because he’s a boss, and Owen finds a tiny shred of human compassion and takes John in to see Evelyn. They hold hands and are generally adorable while Owen lurks creepily just inside the door.
I’ll spare him, this week. Owen lives to see another day.
Guess who is worse that Owen Hunt? Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd is worse.
Meredith is a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them. She knows that Derek didn’t just hop a flight to Seattle because he missed the weather. No matter how much Derek insists that Renee, the woman who answered his phone, was just his research fellow, Meredith was Derek’s intern once, and she knows what kind of shenanigans he gets up to when his wife is on the other coast. Derek makes a big deal about how he came home to fix them, because they’re in trouble. I came home, he says like three times, like that’s somehow supposed to make up for him leaving her alone with two invisible kids to raise on her own so he could make McDreamy eyes at Olivia Wilde’s doppelganger.
He whines about Meredith going to work like an actual grown up, and she tells him to spend the day with his offspring, also like a grown up. Meredith goes to the hospital, where Alex hauls her in for a consult on his patient Danny who is positively yellow with liver failure. Meredith suggests a surgical procedure for the kid, and Alex flips his nut. He thinks it’s about Meredith being upset about Derek, because of course she can’t separate her personal life from her professional life.
Alex, you aren’t on my face-punching list. Yet. Beware.
I’m sorry to tell you that Meredith’s streak has ended. Try as she might, Alex’s patient, Danny, doesn’t make it out of surgery. She’s devastated, and while no one else mentions that she didn’t lose a single patient in all the time Derek was gone, and now that he’s back, she has, I’ll go ahead and do that now. Just for anyone keeping track. Derek is a life ruiner. He ruins lives. Alex follows Meredith out into the rain to do some hugging.
Alex is clear of the punching list for the moment. I will spare him. I will not, however, spare Derek.
We get some flashbacks of him in DC with Renee. She’s just a girl trying to cure autism. Derek tells her that’s a pretty lofty goal for a fellow. It’s a lofty goal for anyone, Derek, and awesome too, so how about you keep your mouth on your own face and let her get to it. But nope. He goes in for the smooch, then jerks away and starts talking shit about “I love my wife. I’m married.” That might have been an important thing to discuss before the kissing, you ass.
Derek swings a big ol’ bat of emotional manipulation at Meredith, striking her square in the face. She tells Derek that while she can live without him, she doesn’t want to. They smile. I vomit over the side of the couch.
HEY QUICK. Guess what’s worse than Derek Sheperd! It’s this lady that Jo has to deal with, who is in the pit with a headache. Except for it’s not a headache. It’s a HUGE FUCKING LEECH, WHAT THE HELL. I literally cannot talk anymore about this. She has a LEECH. IN HER FACE TUBES. A LEECH, YOU GUYS. Nope. One million percent nope.
You know the only thing worse than a leech in your face? An Owen on your face.
And so it begins again. May the circle be unbroken. By and by Lord, by and by.
Before you go! It takes funding to keep this publication by and for queer women and trans people of all genders running every day. We will never put our site behind a paywall because we know how important it is to keep Autostraddle free. But that means we rely on the support of our A+ Members. Still, 99.9% of our readers are not members. A+ membership starts at just $4/month. If you’re able to, will you join A+ and keep Autostraddle here and working for everyone?