Riese and I decided to collaborate on the Brittana wedding episode recap, so she watched with her amazing girlfriend, Abby, and sent me her notes, which you will find lovingly folded into this recap like when you bite into a chocolate and (surprise!) there’s caramel inside!


It’s Brittany and Santana’s wedding day, and so everyone — except for Quinn, who is not here, which makes zero sense and is never even addressed in the episode, despite her absence glaring like the sun on sheet of fresh snow — descends on a barn in rural Indiana where Santana and Brittany have decided to get married. For one thing, same-sex marriage is illegal in Ohio. And for another thing, Jennifer Coolidge gave birth to Brittany in this very barn on accident like a kind of Mary/Jesus thing. Gloria Estefan feels very grossed out about the story of Brittany’s barnyard birth, but she’s all in on the wedding, so she says she can work with this situation.

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Please let this be the unicorn Santana bought me for our wedding. Please let this be the unicorn Santana bought me for our wedding.
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Bend and snap!
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Whoa, the rhythm really got her.

Tina is not interested in working with this situation. She’s wearing heels and of course they’re making her drag 700-pound bales of hay around. But Kurt ignores her protests because Brittany is hardcore freaking out about getting married on this farm. She’s pretty sure this building is structurally unsound, and Martina Navratilova rejected an offer to officiate the ceremony owing to the fact that she is not ordained and also has no idea who Brittany and Santana are. Kurt calms Brittany down and offers up his dad to preside over the ceremony, which feels just right, actually.

Riese: Santana’s happy ‘cause there aren’t any men in this scene. (Also, Artie’s shirt is hurting my feelings.)

Three different times in this episode, people make reference to this barn crashing or catching on fire, and when you add that to the scene a couple of episodes ago where everyone was angels, I was 100 percent convinced this was going to end with every Original New Direction-er dying, and like a fade-to-black shot of Quinn standing in the rubble holding a flamethrower. Just the ultimate Fuck You, is what I was convinced was going to happen. It did not, though, and I enjoyed the episode a lot more the second time through when I wasn’t feeling like Emily Fields, waiting for a car to drive through my living room wall at any second.

Riese: Brittany thinks the barn is gonna fall down and kill everybody. That’d be quite a season finale! The next five episodes would just be funerals / musical tributes. Sorry I’M DARK.

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If Britney Spears shows up and tries to steal my thunder, I’ll be like WHAM! POW!
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And I’ll kick her in the shins!

Riese: It’s Say Yes To The Dress Starring Santana Lopez. They’re doing hokey dancing so the girls can envision how these dresses would hold up in the worst case scenarios.

Wedding dress fashion montage! Santana and Brittany do not want to see each other, though, because they want to avoid 9,000 years of bad luck. (Some couples are just destiny in every lifetime in every reality on every plane of the space-time continuum. Deal with it.) The song here is, I don’t know what it is, and the lyrics are so generic that even Google doesn’t know, and it’s not sung by any of the Glee kids. It sounds like an Old Navy commercial. The dresses are nuts! Brittany wears a normal one. Santana wears a flapper one. Brittany wears a Calamity Jane one with cowboy boots. Santana wears one made by a fairy godmother. Brittany wears the one Helena was married in on that commune on Orphan Black. Santana wears one made of an albino mermaid. Brittany wears one she burgled off of Stevie Nicks. Santana wears one made of ping pong table nets. Brittany wears one that’s a Christmas tree from outer space. Santana wears one from the Bette Porter collection.

Brittany wears The One, and Santana sees her, and Brittany flips her shit. The next day, she brings a chicken into the choir room to ritualistically slaughter it to counteract the bad luck, and then one of my favorite Brittana scenes ever. Santana pulls her by the elbow to the door, goes, “Nope. No. Put it down. This is ridiculous.” And Brittany goes, “This is your lucky day, sir.” And they just sit the chicken on the floor in the hallway and close the choir room door.

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Ha ha ha! Oh, man! I cannot wait to get out of here and start touring with Beyonce!
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Is Mercedes really going on tour with Beyonce?
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I never get to go on tour with Beyonce!

Mercedes and Rachel try to help Santana and Brittany work out their seating arrangement but it’s weird because Rachel doesn’t want to sit next to Sam because she doesn’t want to upset Finn’s mom, and then there’s the question of where to put Sue, and Santana says if Sue comes, she will not be attending. Mercedes wisely points out that inviting Sue means there’s an 80 percent chance she’ll ruin their lives, but not inviting Sue ups that chance to 100 percent.

The Lima Bean.

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That damn Veronica Mars is such a ruiner!

Aaron Echols: Should I get a new suit to wear to your friends’ wedding, or will you be going with your certain future husband, Blaine Warbler?
Kurt: What? Ha! Ha ha! Is this about how I found out you murdered Lily Kane and are therefore the Original A?
Aaron Echols: No, it’s about I’m 100 years older than you and you’re obviously in love with your ex-fiance.
Kurt: Christ, man! That felt like getting smacked in the nose! “Ex”-fiance? What an awful thing to say.
Aaron Echols: Point proven. You could drive to Blaine’s house to get him back or you could just run there on foot, which will take ten times as long and also give you hella blisters, but is infinitely more romantic.
Kurt: Yes! This is a good plan!

Kurt does run all the way to Blaine and Dave’s former apartment, and it takes them six breathless seconds to make up and grab each other’s faces and kiss and kiss like how you when you come up for air after you’ve been drowning in the ocean. Good heavens!

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Who’s not athletic enough to be on the football team now, bitches?
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Hurry up and kiss me before that puppet gets here!

Riese: Kurt’s going to the wedding with Blaine ‘cause he doesn’t want Aaron Echols to clock him in the head with a baseball bat. OMG Kurt and Blaine are back together! THIS IS THE GAYEST SHOW OF ALL TIME.

Tina assembles Blaine and Artie and Puck — who was compelled by the Air Force to burn all of his non-Air Force uniform clothing when he went away to boot camp, apparently — in the auditorium of their old high school to get their opinion on a thing. She wants to ask Mike Chang to marry her. Puck says yeah, go for it, true love and whatever. These are the only words he speaks for the whole episode. Blaine is so high on reconciling with Kurt that his whole demeanor right now can be described as “red pandas playing in the snow” so everything involving love is a go. Artie, however, is like, “Tina, honey, you are Tina-ing this hardcore. Pull up and take a second to use your brain, okay?” Tina does not like that answer one bit.

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Riese: THESE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? So far they have like a 6% success rate with following through on weddings in this town. The only reason Brittany and Santana are getting married is because Ryan Murphy legit fears the lesbian blogging community. He thought he could scare us away by saying our name out loud on the teevee but our witchy powers will always win every time!

Sue calls Santana to her office to say her feelings are hurt about Santana not inviting her to the wedding. Sue’s gonna say a thing later about how OG New Directions are like her kids and but she’s terrified of love and so that’s why she keeps saving their lives and ruining their lives in a demented but hilarious cycle of Road Runner/Coyote antics. It actually almost makes sense. Almost. Santana says the reasons she’s not inviting Sue are all about her previous erratic wedding behaviors (eg. marrying herself, wearing an exact replica of Emma Pillsbury’s wedding dress). She says Sue can never do a truly selfless thing. And that really does upset Sue because what is locking two dudes in a fake elevator and using your nightmare doppelganger puppet to force them to kiss if not selfless?

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We’ll just Photoshop Quinn’s face over Kitty later.
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You said I could be Finnick this time!

Wedding day! Sugar Motto is here from the future! Burt and Carole are here being flawless! Everyone is taking selfies and getting stuck in the mud in their heels and Kurt and Blaine are posing like American Gothic!

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Straight people need love too.

Kurt: Remember when you guys got married and Sue’s mom was a Nazi hunter?
Burt: Yes, this show really has been a hot mess.
Kurt: It’s nuts that me and Blaine also almost got married, huh? Just coocookachoo! Crazytown Bananapants! Right, Dad? Do you think … Dad, do you think we were fools?
Burt: I mean, yeah. Loving another person and accepting their love in return, that is coocookachoo, always. It’s terrifying and it’s statistically absurd to commit your whole life to another person. But finding someone who makes you want to take that risk is the greatest thing that can happen to you as a human being on this earth.
Carole: If you wait until you’re ready, until you feel completely ready like you’ve got all your ducks in a row and nothing can go wrong, you’ll never make the leap, because that day never comes. I’m going to invoke the lesson of Finn here. Life is over so fast.

Brittany is in the barn’s bridal suite coming unglued about the bad luck of Santana seeing her in her wedding dress, so she sends her bridesmaids — Tina, Rachel and Mercedes — out to fetch various magical things she can use to do reverse curses. Santana foils her plans by walking right in and looking at her in her wedding dress again. Brittany starts zigging and zagging around so maybe Santana can’t get a really good look at her, but finally Santana just hold Brittany’s hands in her hands and explains that pretty much all wedding traditions have deeply misogynistic roots, including the one about not seeing the bride in her wedding gown, and when you come out as gay, you’re not becoming the opposite of straight and choosing to adhere to society’s stupid norms, upside-down. You’re smashing through the barrier of what’s expected and choosing to forge your own path in all the ways. Coming out is like being reborn.

Riese: Santana refuses to let Brittany hide her dress from the world. It needs to live in the light with Olivia Pope. The rules don’t apply to them! She says it’s good luck to see the bride before the wedding so they can kiss with tongue!

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I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO

They kiss real good then, sweet and long and open-mouthed, just the two of them.

Sue shows up to break up their making out, and guess who she’s got in tow: Santana’s abuela!

Flashback smashcut!

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She’s on her lunch break from Jane the Virgin, let’s hurry it up.

Sue: Knock-Knock, Ms. Abuela!
Abuela: Uh, who’s there?
Sue: You should come to Santana and Brittany’s wedding with me.
Abuela: But the Bible! God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because some men wanted to have sex with other men in that town!
Sue: Yeah, and God spared Lot, right? Because he told the men not to have gay sex? Lot also tried to dissuade them from having gay sex by offering up his virgin daughters to be gang raped instead. And God rewarded him for that. It’s all right there in Genesis 19.
Abuela: Okay, but Leviticus says we should stone the gays!
Sue: It also says we should stone people for eating shrimp, wearing clothes made of different fibers, and beat women who sit on furniture during their menstrual cycles. So, you know, maybe we shouldn’t invoke Old Testament morality when we’re making 21st century decisions about personal ethics.
Abuela: But Paul’s letters in the New Testament…
Sue: Yeah, you know he wrote those letters in Greek, right? The Greek word “arsenokoitais” is translated to mean “homosexual” in a lot of modern Bibles right now, but over the years it has been translated to mean “effeminate,” “sisies,” “child molesters,” “abusers” “male prostitutes,” and “people with infamous habits.” It was even translated as “masturbators” at one time. If you want a real mindfuck, you should do a little research on the way we got the Bible.
Abuela: But what about what Jesus said?
Sue: Jesus literally never said one word about gay people. He talked the most about love and the next most about money and the next most about how rich politicians and religious leaders who use God’s name to promote their power-grabbing agendas are the worst people and will pay big time in the end.
Abuela: …
Sue: I’m not trying to destroy your faith. Believe what your heart tells you to believe, but don’t be a pawn in someone else’s propaganda game. Christians and politicians have used to the Bible to defend every kind of sexist, racist, homophobic baloney for thousands of years.

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Thank you, Sue. Can you go find Quinn now?
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Thanks for not being mad that we told you to die, grandma.

And so that’s how Santana’s abuela ended up at the wedding! She still thinks it’s wrong for women to marry women, but she loves Santana and she wants to be a part of her big day! Okay, I guess!

Sue turns her attention to Kurt and Blaine next. With the help of Brittany and Santana, she has procured two tuxedos perfectly tailored for them and placed the suits onto a couple of Klaine-shaped mannequins. Brittany says Kurt made it safe to be gay at McKinley, which is true, actually, and so she wants to thank him for paving the way for her and Santana by having a double wedding. Santana, because of some miracle that’s maybe just euphoria because her abuela is here, agrees that they should do this thing together. The idea that Santana and Blaine would be willing to share their wedding spotlight is one of the funniest things I have ever heard, but I love these guys so much I don’t even care.

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You found my leopard print lounging robe with matching fleece necktie!

Kurt: I don’t know!
Blaine: I don’t know!
Kurt: I don’t know!
Blaine: I don’t know!
Santana: Oh, just put on the goddamn tuxes and let’s do this.

And they do!

Mercedes sings Etta James’ “At Last” while Kurt and Brittany walk down the aisle, and Santana and Blaine walk down the aisle. (Somebody on Tumblr posted a picture of Santana and Blaine walking to the altar and captioned it “Here come the bottoms” and it made me laugh so hard.) Everyone makes such faces! Blaine? Kurt? Why, what are they doing?! Jennifer Coolidge keeps up this steady stream of commentary about how Pierce Pierce is missing the whole thing; it’s pretty great. It’s wonderful, actually. All of it.

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Riese: Cool facial expression, Schuester.

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Better than you!
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Better than everyone!

Burt says marriage is when two people say to each other “I love you because I love you, and I know this is gonna be one heck of a ride, but I don’t want to do it unless I can do it with you.” He says it’s a brave thing to love someone, and even braver to commit your life to someone, and still even braver when you have to drive across the state line to get married.

Riese: Somehow every time Burt Hummel talks I almost cry?

I found an email the other day from a million years ago, from the episode when Brittany said “Sex isn’t dating; if it was, Santana and I would be dating,” in which Dorothy Snarker asked if I’d seen Glee that night and I said:

It is never going to happen. Not in ten lifetimes. I will bet you fifty dollars and a pan full of brownies it will never happen. There’s no way Fox is going to allow Glee to have more than one gay character. There’s no way they’re taking two of the hottest girls on this show out of the potential dude dating pool/dude storyline pool. No way. Lesbian/bi sexuality is such a joke on broadcast TV. This is another The O.C. situation at the very best, but I doubt it’s even that. I’ll double your brownies if Brittany and Santana ever kiss. I’ll buy you an entire chocolate factory if they have a legitimate romantic relationship that lasts more than three episodes.

And Dorothy Snarker said:

Ah, I hope you’re wrong, Hoagie!

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And I’d like to thank Ryan Murphy for not killing me and using my death to get Kurt and Blaine back together.

Besides how I now owe Dorothy Snarker fifty dollars and Willy Wonka’s entire operation, I guess, finding that email made me so happy. (There’s also an email exchange where she’s talking about writing something to push the writers to let Brittany and Santana actually kiss instead of just neck nuzzling and I say to her: “I love you but you’re wasting your time.”) But how could I have known?! I have said it one million times and I’ll keep saying it until forever: Fox was never going to do this on their own. Murphy, Falchuk, and Brennan were never going to do this on their own. I had no faith in Brittany and Santana’s storyline because I had no faith in the people who create television, and there was no precedent for fandom growing to know and understand its power and rising up to demand to be treated with respect. No precedent at all. How can you believe in a hero that has never existed before?

Brittana fandom changed the world for me, not just by shaping what I got to see on this show — and the revolutionary thing I am seeing right this second with this double gay wedding — but also by showing me the blazing blue magic of fandom power.

Someone on Tumblr, after my proposal recap, was like, “Glad to see you admitting the fact that Glee‘s writers only put Brittany and Santana together because lesbian fandom forced them to.” And I was like, “Admitting the fact?” Girl, no. “Celebrating the fact.” “Praising the fact.” “Proclaiming the fact.” “Glorifying the fact.” These writers steered this show off of sexist cliff after sexist cliff over the last six years. The fact that a fandom full of queer women kept them on the path of goodness with this one thing? I’ll never shut up about it.

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I love you I love you I love you like never before.

It’s a different thing in pop culture now, but in December 2009, when Brittany said what was meant to be a throwaway line about having sex with Santana, it was: 90210 and Melrose Place reboots using women kissing as ratings stunts. It was FlashForward, a broadcast TV show with a lesbian character that was cancelled in a hot minute. It was Stargate Universe on Syfy, but the lesbian character was a on spaceship ten million light years away from a wife she never even saw. Callie and Arizona were the only thing we had to believe in back then, and even that was up in the air because of the way Grey’s Anatomy unceremoniously dumped Erica Hahn off into a parking lot and never mentioned her again just a few months before Glee aired its pilot.

It’s important to know what the world looked like when Brittana fandom decided to change it.

We like to think equality for gay people is a done deal in this country, but it’s not. “Are you ready to give America what at least 52% of it will legally tolerate?” is a thing Sue said when she was coaxing Kurt and Blaine into their tuxes, and that’s the fact of it. Seeing a double gay wedding on broadcast television is still a big damn deal. The culture war isn’t over.

Brittany and Santana’s, and Kurt and Blaine’s vows are very T.S. Eliot, very Alfred J. Prufrock, very “all of the suffering and heartache that has come from and will come from loving you is worth it, and will always be worth it, and I will say yes to the hard parts forever, because it means I get to wrap myself up in the fact of you, to see and be seen by you — the only one who has ever truly known me — for the rest of my life.”

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Thank you for not wearing the leopard lounging robe.

Kurt was hurled into the dumpster in the McKinley High School parking lot, the collateral damage of gladiator culture, but he crawled out. And he came out. And he wondered if he would be alone forever, in his one-queer town. He had nothing but the strength of his own voice and the fire of the dreams he hid away from everyone, even himself sometimes. Blaine had everything. Well, everything except a place where the curtain closed. The world was his stage and the lights were always on. Kurt and Blaine found each other, and danced around each other, until they realized they didn’t have to stand alone in the cold outside.

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Sweet Lady Kiss 4 Life, Literally

Santana was trapped in a barbed closet of her own construction, sharpening her knives and testing them on other people in case she ever had to turn them on herself. She forced herself to be alone, to not give in to the only thing she really ever wanted. Brittany was never afraid. And she was never understood, except by Santana. They were everything to each other, but they kept finding ways not to say it. They built their own obstacles, and they toppled them. They built them again with reinforcements. Santana and Brittany ran with each other and from each other, colliding and colliding, a supernova of inevitability.

Riese: Is this like Obama’s last term in office? Murphy’s last season? You know how we fantasize about like Obama doing everything we’ve wanted him to do in his last year because why the fuck not? (I mean i know it’s more complicated than that.) Is that’s what Ryan Murphy’s doing?

They say “I do.” All four of them. And everyone kisses, husbands and wives.

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And Tumblr explodes riiiiiiight … now!

Pierce Pierce gives a rousing speech about how Brittany is the most beautiful person in the barn, and not just because everyone else in here is ugly as butts. And then, confirming my buddy Lauren’s suspicion that people who aren’t on Tumblr don’t understand 80 percent of what is happening this season, everyone puts on OTP hats and dances around Heya to “Hey Ya!” It’s pretty special.

Tina proposes to Mike and it goes about as well as you’d expect.He tells her they’re way too young to get married and that this show is going to piss on her right up until the very end. But he did save a slow dance for her, so that’s something.

Riese: Seriously everybody STOP. There are other things to do besides getting married. Like: going bowling, moving into an apartment place for the two of you to share, looking at puppies in the park, rowing boats on a river.

And then! All the moms sing “I’m So Excited!” The only one who gives Gloria Estafan a run for her money is Amber Riley, obviously. And then! Kurt and Blaine and Santana and Brittany sing “Our Day Will Come.” (Relevant lyric: “Nobody can tell me I’m too young to know I love you, so.”)

Riese: Haiiiii Sugar Motta! Double wedding solid, this is such a deal. This is so weird and gay. Look at this show!

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La la la. I hope Quinn hasn’t been eaten by a bear or killed by A. La la la.
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La la la. She’s probably at a clam bake. La la la.

The next day, Tina and Artie have a champagne brunch in the choir room and agree to make some Slytherin babies together if they’re not married by the time they’re 30.

And finally, Sue invites the newly married couples to the auditorium to give them wedding presents. They’re good ones! Honeymoons! She cancelled the one Kurt and Blaine had planned for themselves. (Kurt, give me that shirt!) For Kurt and Blaine, a weekend trip to Provincetown staying at Andrew Sullivan’s Cabana House. For Santana and Brittany, a month-long, all expenses paid trip to Paradise Island. Brittany says my favorite thing she’s ever said in this show. Ever. “That’s where Wonder Woman was born!” And Sue says, “Lassos of Truth included!”

And then Sue says her next legacy couple is Faberry. Because she can’t get enough of the lesbians. Oh, Glee. You’re so Glee.

Klaine and Brittana agree to Skype every year on their anniversary and celebrate together every fifth year. And they leave hand-in-hand for their honeymoons.

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And this is the pilot script, where we both spoke zero words.

 Riese: “Your notes should just read 9:23 Where’s Quinn? 9:26 Where’s Quinn? 9:32 Where’s Quinn? 9:46 Where’s Quinn? 9:50 Have they, like, talked about Quinn not being there?” – Abby

I can’t believe it’s real. I can’t believe Brittany and Santana are married. They were secondary characters. They were held pinkies and background hugs. Their relationship was meant to be a joke, was morphed into a sexy placation. But the goddamn thing about stories is they come to life in ways writers never expect. They are, quite literally, magical.

Like the story of Brittany S. Pierce, who saw the truth of Santana Lopez’s heartspace, knew her straight through and right down to her toes, the hidden parts of her, the wounded kitten behind the caustic roar. The story of how Santana saw Brittany too, the brilliance of her brain, her unicorn spirit. And the story of how Santana built her life around Brittany and built walls around herself, insisting it was just friends, and not the kind of love that rearranges the alchemy of your whole soul. And then Santana came out of the closet. And Brittany was never in it. They lifted each other up; they held each other close; they broke each other’s heart sometimes, the way wild things always do; they healed each other; they eased the violence and the hatred and the cruelty of the world, alone together, for each other. Santana asked Brittany to be her wife, and Brittany said yes because her genius math brain understood that in a world full of infinite variables, there are some things you just Know. They were married in a barn in Indiana. Mrs. and Mrs. Pierce-Lopez.

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Call it fantasy if you want, but here’s a thing Neil Gaiman taught me: “Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

brittana-siiiiiigh

Dorothy Snarker, your brownies are in the mail.