We then close our eyes, cross our fingers and jump all the way to Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester is judging the Christmas Tree Decorations contest and is impressed by the Glee Club’s hard work stealing hamsters and incorporating pine cones into found art.
Cut to the auditorium, where “auditions” for the “Living Nativity scene” are in full swing, as monitored by William, Beastie and Artie, because why anything.
Marley, Unique and Tina, dressed in bedsheets and the fleece of ten thousand innocent lambs, prance around onstage while belting “Mary’s Little Boy Child.”
Eventually the ladies discard their robes in favor of a USA Gymnastics-flavored spandex glitterbomb situation that really screams VIRGIN MARY.
We then steal my stupid ex-boyfriend’s purple Kia (“it’s blue!” – my ex-boyfriend) and race each other all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s freaking out that they’ll be mauled and eaten by a crowd of angry children.
THEN, who should appear before their twinkling eyes than an underwear model in a Santa outfit, his cloak suggestively opened to reveal his manly chest muscles!
Santana tells this guy that “even I’ll admit that my girl-loving vagina is feeling a little jingle bell from you,” and although I have issues with her saying that to this guy but not to my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, I’ll deal with it.
Sexy Santa offers to step in for Drunk Santa, and the trio initially declines until Sexy Santa mentions that they’ll likely be bashed against a manger and left for dead if they don’t solve their Santa Situation ASAP.
For reasons far too convoluted or elusive for me to recall, Sexy Santa hires the Sassy Trio as his “deputies” and invites himself over for dinner at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft.
We then sing “I Believe I Can Fly” to ourselves while hiding underneath thick blankets until we truly believe we CAN fly, and then we do fly, all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Sue announces that Glee Club has won the Christmas Tree decorating contest, for which the prize is NOT, unfortunately, a lifetime supply of tampons.
Becky, however, is devastated to have lost the big contest despite the fact that her tree didn’t contain any trees. Meanwhile in the Hallowed Hallways, the Nativity Scene cast list is up.
Virgin Marley unsurprisingly secured the role of Virgin Mary, not to be confused with a Virgin Bloody Mary, which is just expensive tomato juice in a glass with a stalk of celery. Unique and Tina are heartbroken.
Fake Quinn’s like oh duh, the Virgin Marley’s gonna be the Virgin Mary, and Marley-Kate is like what’s your damage, why didn’t you audition if you wanted to be the Virgin Mary so bad, it’s obvs that you’re like, totally obsessed with her and have a big fat lesbian crush on her.
Fake Quinn: “Don’t you get it? I’m a Christian, and I know what it means to have the Virgin Mary spirit in your heart. I don’t have it and I don’t deserve to be her. To tell you the truth, I’m more like Mary Magdalene.”
We then tie up our Air Jordans, toss on a vintage pair of oversized basketball shorts and dribble all the way back to New York, New York, where the three little bears are preparing for a visit from Sexy Santa.
At last Sexy Santa shows up! Sexy Santa somehow made it all the way to Bushwick in subzero temperatures without a shirt, so he’s probably some kind of cyborg. “For struggling actors, you guys got a great apartment,” Sexy Santa points out while Kurt drunkily trails him like a puppy about to hump the leg of a dining room table. Then Sexy Santa shows off his mediocre bag of tricks which just-so-happens to include a helium tank!
Upon hearing that this twinky triumvirate became friends in high school Glee Club, Sexy Santa suggests a song — not just any song, but THE MOST ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME (Besides “I’m Getting Nuttin’ For Christmas” which I might hate less if it hadn’t played every hour of every day between Thanksgiving and New Years at The Macaroni Grill for all three years I worked there), “The Chipmunk Christmas Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late).”
So then the entire song happens in chipmunk voices, which is really funny if you’re stoned (and it’s always great when Kurt has a chance to actually be sexual instead of being the Safe Sexless Gay) but I can’t speak to the experience of watching this situation sober.
Throughout the song, the audience is privy to Sexy Santa’s appraising glances at various household items throughout the musical number, which means we just have to wait and find out when, exactly, he plans to rob these little munchkins of all their kitschy Pier 1 paraphernalia and festive candles.
Here’s the whole enchilada:
We then grease up the floors, put on our favorite pair of kneesocks, and slide all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Tina’s having sexual fantasies about her new hand-blown glass angel dildo.
Becky intercepts their walk-and-talk with Christmas presents for Sam and Tina — two tiny vials containing her baby teeth, to remind them of the innocent Baby Jesus. Becky laments her big loss and Sue’s critique, saying now she feels like Tina and Sam because they’re losers, like Beck.
We then extract one of our many JetBlue vouchers from underneath our craft supplies bin, catch the next flight back to Newark, and drive in a rented mini-van that smells like dead cats all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel and Santana are sloppy drunk but for some reason not making out.
But the way they’re drunkenly sitting on the couch and drunkenly discussing how Santana should totally move to New York is totally the way that lesbians and straight girls end up with their tongues down each other’s throats but ALAS this show is DETERMINED to ROB us of all potential lesbian action this season and instead this hypersexual moment of lady-on-lady bonding is interrupted by said ladies wondering where the hell Kurt is, and finding him getting some homosexual handsiness of his own.
Rachel: OH MY G-D!
Santana: OH HELL NO that is not happening!
Sexy Santa: Don’t worry ladies, Santa swings both ways!
Instead of immediately fleeing the scene like normal humans, Santana and Rachel stick around for some drunky banter!
Kurt: What’s the matter, Santana? Jealous?
Santana: No, I am disgusted. and also IMPRESSED, who knew the Queen of England could be so trashy!
Kurt: Aren’t you the one who’s always calling me Miss Priss and telling me that I need to live it up a bit? Well you’re right, I’m in New York, I’m single I’m available and [to sexy santa] your hot buttered rum concoction is dangerously lowering my inhibitions. So why not throw caution to the wind?
Sexy Santa proposes a toast “to being naughty.”
After an invigorating commercial break, we return to Hangover Island.
Santana declares the last time she felt this bad was when she was “roofied at Lilith Fair.” UM she would’ve been too young for Lilith! She would’ve been too young for the Lilith revival, even. Among other problems with that ‘joke.’ Anyhow, the two girls get up (with their shoes on?) and look around to see that their dreamhouse has been stripped bare by the almost-bare stripper Santa who Santana recalls was probs most recently seen riding Kurt’s hobby horse.
They rush into Kurt’s bedroom to find him hogtied in reindeer ears? It’s kind of disturbing honestly.
Apparently role-playing “Santa and his reindeer play Hide the Salami” led to Kurt getting tied up and left to flop awkwardly about in bed all night while Sexy Santa stole all their nice things.
We then position ourselves strategically atop an ambitious camel, slather our noses in SPF 45, hydrate excessively, and ride that camel all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the El-Bee Shoe Outlet, where Blaine’s upset that Fake Quinn doesn’t think she could be The Virgin Mary because who cares.
Virgin Marley says she tried to give Fake Quinn her part but Fake Quinn rejected her. Luckily, Unique has a plan. Think about the worst possible plan ever, then think about something slightly worse than that, and then think about that plan involving “running into traffic.” The plan we’re about to witness in action is worse than that plan.
Fake Quinn arrives in the music room for a run-through and is befuddled by the fact that Virgin Marley isn’t dressed up like the Virgin Mary.
Fake Quinn: Wait, Marley, why aren’t you dressed as the Virgin Mary?
Marley-Kate: We all decided that the only girl who could do the part justice is —
Unique: —the black one! Joseph honey, get me to the stable, I’m about to pop!
Yup. Unique’s wearing a pregnancy suit! We’re gonna scare the racist white Christian cheerleader into taking her rightful spot as the Virgin Mary by presenting the image of Virgin Mary as a young black teen Mom. NICE WORK GLEE. A++++ fuck
Eventually the children begin tossing the baby doll around?
Here, witness the whole glorious event for yourself:
Fake Quinn declares this performance a sacrilegious horrorshow and insists she’ll get to play the Virgin Mary. PHEW. That was gonna be the worst five minutes OF MY LIFE.
Sam and Tina tell Becky her bag of diapers won the Christmas Tree Decorating Contest and give her the shitty cheap plastic angel and a part in the nativity scene, all while employing the most condescending tone of voice ever.
We then slip into our favorite pair of flower-print leggings, smush our cold toes into warm Uggs, and walk very slowly, because we are very tired, back to New York, New York, where Kurt’s having a Couchsit of Shame.
Rachel returns from her trip to the Cop Shop, where the cops told her that Sexy Santa also robbed the Mall and the Salvation Army or something. I don’t know why this isn’t already on Gawker. Also, they’re fired from the elving gig. Kurt insists that getting fired from their job as Christmas Elves will leave a black mark on their acting resumes… which is why they shouldn’t even put it on their resumes? What is he even talking about. You don’t see “Tony the Tiger for one day” on my resume. Rachel says he shouldn’t worry ’cause she got them another gig. WHAT WILL IT BE?!!!
We then walk for forty days and forty nights with unleavened bread on our backs to catch the late late show of The Birth of Jesus Christ, starring Becky as little Lord Jesus, Fake Quinn as Virgin Mary, Unique as an angel, and everybody else as men with weird beards.
It turns out that Rachel, Santana and Kurt’s new gig involves singing in a display case.
Witness the entirety of this situation right here, right now!
Well kids, that’s it for this partial-season of Glee, as apparently the show won’t be returning until February 25th! I’m sorry that this recap wasn’t as funny as usual but it just wasn’t happening and I had to move on with my life. I hope you all still put nice things in my stocking. I’m sure my first Glee recap of February will be FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Anyhow, this extended hiatus will give me lots more time to devote to writing about things I really care about and masterminding the re-launch of my Sunday Top Ten series! If you’re craving a terrible television fix in the meantime, I would suggest our endless archives, Chelsea’s American Horror Story recaps and Kate’s Once Upon a Time recaps. Furthermore, in January you can look forward to the return of Lizz’s Pretty Little Liars recaps and Vikki’s Fosters recaps. It’s also really easy now to access our TV show recaps via our brand-new redesigned menu!
I will end this recap with a video from a Previously Aired Christmas Special, featuring so many of my favorite people singing my all-time #1 top favorite Christmas song of all time!