Glee Episode 508 Recap: Previously Unaired Christmas Gets A Little Too Much Air

We then close our eyes, cross our fingers and jump all the way to Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester is judging the Christmas Tree Decorations contest and is impressed by the Glee Club’s hard work stealing hamsters and incorporating pine cones into found art.

Did you get this balled-up maxi pad from the staff restroom

Did you get this balled-up maxi pad from the staff restroom


Cut to the auditorium, where “auditions” for the “Living Nativity scene” are in full swing, as monitored by William, Beastie and Artie, because why anything.

You. Me. Boiler Room. 3 PM.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “Blow job in the music room?”

Marley, Unique and Tina, dressed in bedsheets and the fleece of ten thousand innocent lambs, prance around onstage while belting “Mary’s Little Boy Child.”

Raise the Manger

And lift those biceps and squeeze those triceps and push those shoulders and in and up and out and down and again and repeat

Haiii Jesus what's the 411

Hey Jesus I just read ya and this is crazy but here’s my number so call me maybe

Crap I just swallowed the wishbone

Crap I just swallowed that entire chestnut

Eventually the ladies discard their robes in favor of a USA Gymnastics-flavored spandex glitterbomb situation that really screams VIRGIN MARY.

We don't need no robes, robes are a style that don't get no love from us

We don’t want no robes, a robe is cape that won’t get no love from us

Can you just check and see if there's taffy on my butt from when I accidentally sat on the piano bench during recess

Can you just check and see if there’s taffy on my butt from when I accidentally sat on the piano bench during recess

We pray to the goddess Isis please bless us and take us away from this terrible show

We pray to the goddess Isis please bless us and take us away from this terrible show

Ta-da:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4QVbBpTQuo


We then steal my stupid ex-boyfriend’s purple Kia (“it’s blue!” – my ex-boyfriend) and race each other all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s freaking out that they’ll be mauled and eaten by a crowd of angry children.

Yes we already tried “Don’t Stop Believing” but they all threw iPads at us

THEN, who should appear before their twinkling eyes than an underwear model in a Santa outfit, his cloak suggestively opened to reveal his manly chest muscles!

Hey anyone have a baby-tee I could borrow? I left mine in Radio Shack.

Hey anyone have a baby-tee I could borrow? I left mine in Radio Shack.

Oh my lord it's sexy jesus

Oh my stars it’s the Holy Spirit!

Santana tells this guy that “even I’ll admit that my girl-loving vagina is feeling a little jingle bell from you,” and although I have issues with her saying that to this guy but not to my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, I’ll deal with it.

Now that's my kind of package

Now that’s my kind of package

Sexy Santa offers to step in for Drunk Santa, and the trio initially declines until Sexy Santa mentions that they’ll likely be bashed against a manger and left for dead if they don’t solve their Santa Situation ASAP.

Back off, I'm the lesbian

Back off, like I said — I’m the lesbian. And I don’t do foursomes

For reasons far too convoluted or elusive for me to recall, Sexy Santa hires the Sassy Trio as his “deputies” and invites himself over for dinner at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft.


We then sing “I Believe I Can Fly” to ourselves while hiding underneath thick blankets until we truly believe we CAN fly, and then we do fly, all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Sue announces that Glee Club has won the Christmas Tree decorating contest, for which the prize is NOT, unfortunately, a lifetime supply of tampons.

FFFUKCCCKKKK I just rammed my nuts on this table!

FFFUKCCCKKKK I just rammed my nuts on this table!

Becky, however, is devastated to have lost the big contest despite the fact that her tree didn’t contain any trees. Meanwhile in the Hallowed Hallways, the Nativity Scene cast list is up.

95% sure putting a trans woman's chosen name in quotation marks nickname style is against GLAAD's rules of responsible cast list posting

95% sure including a trans woman’s birth name followed by her chosen name in quotation marks as if it was a nickname and not HER NAME is against GLAAD’s rules of responsible cast list posting

Virgin Marley unsurprisingly secured the role of Virgin Mary, not to be confused with a Virgin Bloody Mary, which is just expensive tomato juice in a glass with a stalk of celery. Unique and Tina are heartbroken.

They promised me anal didn't count!

They promised me anal didn’t count!

Fake Quinn’s like oh duh, the Virgin Marley’s gonna be the Virgin Mary, and Marley-Kate is like what’s your damage, why didn’t you audition if you wanted to be the Virgin Mary so bad, it’s obvs that you’re like, totally obsessed with her and have a big fat lesbian crush on her.

Fake Quinn: “Don’t you get it? I’m a Christian, and I know what it means to have the Virgin Mary spirit in your heart. I don’t have it and I don’t deserve to be her. To tell you the truth, I’m more like Mary Magdalene.”

My Pussy. Your Mouth. Five O'Clock. Be there or be sexually unsatisfied.

My Pussy. Your Mouth. Five O’Clock. Be there or be sexually unsatisfied.


We then tie up our Air Jordans, toss on a vintage pair of oversized basketball shorts and dribble all the way back to New York, New York, where the three little bears are preparing for a visit from Sexy Santa.

This spoon still kinda smells like meth

Is it just me or does this spoon smell like meth

At last Sexy Santa shows up! Sexy Santa somehow made it all the way to Bushwick in subzero temperatures without a shirt, so he’s probably some kind of cyborg. “For struggling actors, you guys got a great apartment,” Sexy Santa points out while Kurt drunkily trails him like a puppy about to hump the leg of a dining room table. Then Sexy Santa shows off his mediocre bag of tricks which just-so-happens to include a helium tank!

Yeah, I saw this on the subway but didn't feel like going through that whole "if you see something, say something" routine so I just took it for myself

Yeah, I saw this on the subway but didn’t feel like going through that whole “if you see something, say something” routine so I just took it

Upon hearing that this twinky triumvirate became friends in high school Glee Club, Sexy Santa suggests a song — not just any song, but THE MOST ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME (Besides “I’m Getting Nuttin’ For Christmas” which I might hate less if it hadn’t played every hour of every day between Thanksgiving and New Years at The Macaroni Grill for all three years I worked there), “The Chipmunk Christmas Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late).”

What I like to blow up the condoms first just to make sure they work right

What, so I like to blow up the condoms first just to make sure they work right

Crest Whitestrips Kinda Worked For Us!

Crest Whitestrips Kinda Worked For Us!

So then the entire song happens in chipmunk voices, which is really funny if you’re stoned (and it’s always great when Kurt has a chance to actually be sexual instead of being the Safe Sexless Gay) but I can’t speak to the experience of watching this situation sober.

Ice cream soda, cherry on top, where's your G-Spot I forgot!

Ice cream soda, cherry on top, where’s your G-Spot I forgot!

Guess who else isn't wearing any underwear

Guess who else isn’t wearing any underwear

Well, it's not a vagina, but it'll have to do

Well, it’s not a wreath of Brittany’s pubic hair, but it’ll do

Best simultaneous orgasm ever

Best simultaneous orgasm ever

Throughout the song, the audience is privy to Sexy Santa’s appraising glances at various household items throughout the musical number, which means we just have to wait and find out when, exactly, he plans to rob these little munchkins of all their kitschy Pier 1 paraphernalia and festive candles.

Let's have a toast to all the douchebags (who write this show), let's have a toast for all the assholes (who write this show)

Let’s have a toast to all the douchebags (who write this show), let’s have a toast for all the assholes (who write this show)

When all the children were asleep in their beds, Kurt did a bunch of E and pranced around the loft singing Christmas Carols to himself all night long

When all the children were asleep in their beds, Kurt did a bunch of E and pranced around the loft singing Christmas Carols to himself all night long

Here’s the whole enchilada:

http://youtu.be/gaBceOMchQw


We then grease up the floors, put on our favorite pair of kneesocks, and slide all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Tina’s having sexual fantasies about her new hand-blown glass angel dildo.

This will look gorgeous next to my Minne Ola

This will look gorgeous next to my Minne Ola

Becky intercepts their walk-and-talk with Christmas presents for Sam and Tina — two tiny vials containing her baby teeth, to remind them of the innocent Baby Jesus. Becky laments her big loss and Sue’s critique, saying now she feels like Tina and Sam because they’re losers, like Beck.

Honestly Becky, I've already been to the future and I can tell you that your foam finger is so very 2013

Honestly Becky, I’ve already been to the future and I can tell you that you will be regretting the inclusion of this foam finger really soon


We then extract one of our many JetBlue vouchers from underneath our craft supplies bin, catch the next flight back to Newark, and drive in a rented mini-van that smells like dead cats all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel and Santana are sloppy drunk but for some reason not making out.

How do you feel about necromancy?

So uh, what’s your safe word? I’m asking for a friend

But the way they’re drunkenly sitting on the couch and drunkenly discussing how Santana should totally move to New York is totally the way that lesbians and straight girls end up with their tongues down each other’s throats but ALAS this show is DETERMINED to ROB us of all potential lesbian action this season and instead this hypersexual moment of lady-on-lady bonding is interrupted by said ladies wondering where the hell Kurt is, and finding him getting some homosexual handsiness of his own.

THANK YEEZUS YOU'RE HERE I NEED A JUNIOR MINT IN MY MOUTH LIKE WHOA LIKE RIGHT NOW

THANK YEEZUS YOU’RE HERE I NEED A JUNIOR MINT IN MY MOUTH LIKE WHOA LIKE RIGHT NOW

Rachel: OH MY G-D!
Santana: OH HELL NO that is not happening!
Sexy Santa: Don’t worry ladies, Santa swings both ways!
Santana: WHAT?

caption

Oh just ignore Lenore, she forgot to put her dentures in again

Instead of immediately fleeing the scene like normal humans, Santana and Rachel stick around for some drunky banter!

Kurt: What’s the matter, Santana? Jealous?
Santana: No, I am disgusted. and also IMPRESSED, who knew the Queen of England could be so trashy!

This is MY Rent-a-Santa and I'm keeping it!

This is MY Rent-a-Santa and I’m keeping it!

Kurt: Aren’t you the one who’s always calling me Miss Priss and telling me that I need to live it up a bit? Well you’re right, I’m in New York, I’m single I’m available and [to sexy santa] your hot buttered rum concoction is dangerously lowering my inhibitions. So why not throw caution to the wind?

You call that

You think this eggnog is good? No, this eggnog tastes like glue.

Sexy Santa proposes a toast “to being naughty.”

caption

OOOh this is like when glass cups make out with other glass cups!


After an invigorating commercial break, we return to Hangover Island.

What is that feeling in my asshole

I just had the best sex of my entire life

caption

Fuck that post-sex masturbation sesh hit the spot

Santana declares the last time she felt this bad was when she was “roofied at Lilith Fair.”  UM she would’ve been too young for Lilith! She would’ve been too young for the Lilith revival, even. Among other problems with that ‘joke.’ Anyhow, the two girls get up (with their shoes on?) and look around to see that their dreamhouse has been stripped bare by the almost-bare stripper Santa who Santana recalls was probs most recently seen riding Kurt’s hobby horse.

This always happens when Kurt eats too much sugar

This always happens when Kurt eats too much sugar

They rush into Kurt’s bedroom to find him hogtied in reindeer ears? It’s kind of disturbing honestly.

These are the weirdest calf exercises of all time Kurt

These are the weirdest calf exercises of all time Kurt

But I got the idea from your workout video!

But I saw it on Lifehacker!

Apparently role-playing “Santa and his reindeer play Hide the Salami” led to Kurt getting tied up and left to flop awkwardly about in bed all night while Sexy Santa stole all their nice things.

This is why we don't have nice things

This is why we don’t have nice things


We then position ourselves strategically atop an ambitious camel, slather our noses in SPF 45, hydrate excessively, and ride that camel all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the El-Bee Shoe Outlet, where Blaine’s upset that Fake Quinn doesn’t think she could be The Virgin Mary because who cares.

And then I was like "Well no, I'm not gonna pay double just because it has two humps."

And then I was like “Well, if it looks this good with one hump, can you imagine what it’d look like if you threw in another hump?”

Virgin Marley says she tried to give Fake Quinn her part but Fake Quinn rejected her. Luckily, Unique has a plan. Think about the worst possible plan ever, then think about something slightly worse than that, and then think about that plan involving “running into traffic.” The plan we’re about to witness in action is worse than that plan.

we went skinny dipping and some asshole stole our clothes so we had to dress ourselves in found objects and curtains

We went skinny dipping and some asshole stole our clothes so we had to dress ourselves entirely in scarves, slipcovers and old beards

Fake Quinn arrives in the music room for a run-through and is befuddled by the fact that Virgin Marley isn’t dressed up like the Virgin Mary.

Fake Quinn: Wait, Marley, why aren’t you dressed as the Virgin Mary?
Marley-Kate: We all decided that the only girl who could do the part justice is —
Unique: —the black one! Joseph honey, get me to the stable, I’m about to pop!

Yup. Unique’s wearing a pregnancy suit! We’re gonna scare the racist white Christian cheerleader into taking her rightful spot as the Virgin Mary by presenting the image of Virgin Mary as a young black teen Mom. NICE WORK GLEE. A++++ fuck

Praise Jesus we found another reason to dust off the pregnancy suit

Praise Jesus we found another reason to dust off the pregnancy suit

Start spreading the news....

Start spreading the news….

I'm leaving this show todayyyy

…I’m leaving this show todayyyy

we're gonna join a different show, new york, new york....

we’re gonna join a different show, in new york, new york….

I'm the King Of The Worst!

I’m the King Of The Worst!

Okay, I know this is Glee and all but shit's getting out of hand

GPOY

Eventually the children begin tossing the baby doll around?

caption

What are you doing with MY Baby Alive Real Surprises Baby Doll?

This baby is gonna be really nauseous really soon

I’m Letting it SHINEEEEEEEEEEE

Is having Home Ec flashbacks

Okay NM over it you can have it back now

Here, witness the whole glorious event for yourself:

http://youtu.be/-M3k0ATmUZM

Fake Quinn declares this performance a sacrilegious horrorshow and insists she’ll get to play the Virgin Mary. PHEW. That was gonna be the worst five minutes OF MY LIFE.

Modern Family

Modern Family


Sam and Tina tell Becky her bag of diapers won the Christmas Tree Decorating Contest and give her the shitty cheap plastic angel and a part in the nativity scene, all while employing the most condescending tone of voice ever.

I'm telling you, you don't

Becky, we made this hand-blown angel for our Etsy shop but we’ll sell it to you right now for half-price. Seriously you don’t need to pay department store prices for large plastic angels, not this year.

I love supporting small businesses!

Supporting small businesses is the best!


We then slip into our favorite pair of flower-print leggings, smush our cold toes into warm Uggs, and walk very slowly, because we are very tired, back to New York, New York, where Kurt’s having a Couchsit of Shame.

Santana, he didn't just steal my X-Box, he also stole my dignity

If only I’d remembered to register my Kriptonyte lock online but you know, you always think it’s never gonna happen to you.

Rachel returns from her trip to the Cop Shop, where the cops told her that Sexy Santa also robbed the Mall and the Salvation Army or something. I don’t know why this isn’t already on Gawker. Also, they’re fired from the elving gig. Kurt insists that getting fired from their job as Christmas Elves will leave a black mark on their acting resumes… which is why they shouldn’t even put it on their resumes? What is he even talking about. You don’t see “Tony the Tiger for one day” on my resume. Rachel says he shouldn’t worry ’cause she got them another gig. WHAT WILL IT BE?!!!

It's this great party downtown, it's called Choice Cunts, and apparently is very female-friendly...

It’s this great party downtown, it’s called Choice Cunts, and apparently is very female-friendly and VERY gay-friendly…


We then walk for forty days and forty nights with unleavened bread on our backs to catch the late late show of The Birth of Jesus Christ, starring Becky as little Lord Jesus, Fake Quinn as Virgin Mary, Unique as an angel, and everybody else as men with weird beards.

Who wants a Virgin hug?

Who wants to take a ride on Virgin Mary Air?

It turns out that Rachel, Santana and Kurt’s new gig involves singing in a display case.

And now let's practice digital penetration

And now let’s practice digital penetration

Witness the entirety of this situation right here, right now!
http://youtu.be/Pi2r9uju11w


Well kids, that’s it for this partial-season of Glee, as apparently the show won’t be returning until February 25th! I’m sorry that this recap wasn’t as funny as usual but it just wasn’t happening and I had to move on with my life. I hope you all still put nice things in my stocking. I’m sure my first Glee recap of February will be FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Anyhow, this extended hiatus will give me lots more time to devote to writing about things I really care about and masterminding the re-launch of my Sunday Top Ten series! If you’re craving a terrible television fix in the meantime, I would suggest our endless archives, Chelsea’s American Horror Story recaps and Kate’s Once Upon a Time recaps. Furthermore, in January you can look forward to the return of Lizz’s Pretty Little Liars recaps and Vikki’s Fosters recaps. It’s also really easy now to access our TV show recaps via our brand-new redesigned menu!

I will end this recap with a video from a Previously Aired Christmas Special, featuring so many of my favorite people singing my all-time #1 top favorite Christmas song of all time!

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2672 articles for us.

23 Comments

  1. I feel obligated to go “THAT WAS DETECTIVE WILDEN!” which makes the chipmunk song 10x creepier. (Admittedly, the only part of this episode I have seen, so perhaps the creepiness extended to other parts of the episode)

  2. So since I’m marking atrocious essays all weekend, I applied my teacher-mind to this recap and made bullet-points while reading. Onus is on Glee, not you, Riese. You get an A+.

    • Holy shit, these graphics are on fucking point! Best I’ve seen in months, good job!
    • As annoying as Tina is now, I am loving her fashion decisions in life
    • Soooooooooooo I’m really uncomfortable that every other elf is a Little Person except for our trio…….but Chris looks so fucking cute in that elf costume #conflictedethics
    • Show ‘dem legs, Unique
    • Wow, fuck, Unique is one of the Wise Men? And nobody says anything about it??? WHAT
    • Supremely disappointed that it’s not actually Lea, Chris and Naya on helium.
    • Is Sexy Santa’s bisexuality linked to being naughty? Is that really where we’re going, Glee?

  3. First off, if nothing else your transitions between New York and Lima are always hilarious as all fuck. Second, that Unique storyline with the whole Virgin Mary bit is all the worst things about Glee combined into one truly terrible and unwatchable scene.

  4. With Santana and Rachel getting all drunk and such I was thinking, how much would it suck for Faberry shippers if Santana slept with both Quin and Rachel while Faberry will never happen? Ugh. It would be such a Glee thing to do though.

  5. I literally signed up for an account only to say two things:

    1. I am madly in love with your references to actual businesses in Lima, OH. Part of me wants to pretend you got them from visiting those real places sometime during your life, and part of me thinks you probably just Googled them.

    2. Every time you quote Santana, I Google the quote because I never believe she actually has said it. And every time she has. And every time I completely cannot believe Glee any more.

    Thank you for doing these so I don’t actually have to watch Glee any more. Not that I would anyway, but it’s nice to know I got someone who’ll provide me a source of screencaps whenever Naya Rivera wears a sexy elf, a sexy Mrs. Claus, or sexy bubble bath outfit.

  6. I stopped watching Glee after season 1, but have been reading Riese’s recaps pretty religiously. Every time I click the link to a new recap I hope, in my heart of hearts, that this show has actually been cancelled and Riese just reaches into the depths of her imagination to bring us stories of humanity gone wrong.

    But then you post videos. And my poor little heart has to acknowledge that this crap-fest of a show is real. It’s really real.

  7. 100th episode: L word reenactment by Santana, Quinn, Rachel, Dani, and Brittany (Ryan Murphy will of course cast poor Dianna as Jenny). All songs will be acoustic Tracy Chapman, Ani DiFranco, and Melissa Ethridge covers. Blaine and Kurt will be allowed to interlude with sex toy reviews and the latest in boi fashion. Unique and Mercedes will sing a show stopping duet of Come to My Window. Will Shuester will come to the window, and Dianna as Jenny will kill him with Sue Slyvester and Coach’s help.

  8. RIESE I love your Glee recaps so much for so many reasons, some of which are the interchanges between NY and Lima, OH and your hated for Will Fucking Schuester (I’m pretty sure that’s his actual middle name). Mostly I love them because reading them is way better than actually having to watch the show.

    ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU IS ALSO MY #1 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG.

  9. But Riese, the captions on this recap were golden, don’t sell yourself short. I am certainly glad, though, that you’ll get to use this hiatus to write about things other than Glee. This was the first season I didn’t bother watching (except I watched half of this episode bc I was drunk and fell asleep) and I feel like such a strong person because of it.

    Also, I’m pretty sure the only reason they did a “back in time” episode was so Kurt would be single so the sexy Santa plotline would work. Lazy, lazy writers. Ughhhh.

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