Back at Fake Julliard, Kate Hudson is being bitchy to The New Rachel again for no reason, but JUST KIDDING all this bitchery has just been a cover for the fact that she’s throwing her a surprise party because we are Fake Julliard and we are the best of the best, but we’re also family and we celebrate each other when there’s big news?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HftgW7tw4T4
For real though — nobody wants to celebrate a second callback in such an enormous manner! The last thing you want before a huge audition is for everybody to already know about it, thus putting gallons of pressure upon your wee head, thus making it even worse if you don’t get it. THIS IS IDIOTIC.
we were actually told we’d be hitting up the MSNBC set today for a live taping of The Rachel Maddow Show but whatevs the signs still work
no please no more junior mints
come on if we bring boys with us it won’t be a lesbian orgie, it’ll just be an orgy-orgy
one double fisting, coming right atcha
ooo i love it when you twerk my nipples, penny lane
Where’s Brody, I thought he worked here.
We return  to Glee Club for Mercedes to tell everybody about how this producer wanted her to do everything his way but she decided to do everything her way!  Cut to Mercedes on the phone, telling her producer that this is her life and her songs! He can’t just slap any old hussy on the cover of Mercedes Jones’ first album!
i told you no comic sans on the album cover!
So now Mercedes doesn’t have a record deal, but she luckily worked with a producer who was somehow willing to sink thousands into producing her album, apparently sans-actual-contract, and then hand it over to Mercedes free of charge for her to release by her own damn self on Righteous Babe Records.
i wanted to use this screenshot to point out that i have like 15 of those boxes that mercedes is carrying in her hand, you can get them at staples and they’re always on sale, and come in a lot of sizes, and they’re called “really useful boxes” and it’s true, they’re really useful. you’re welcome!
Mercedes: “Whatever happens, at least I was true to myself.”
Mercedes than breaks into “Higher Ground” and I got so excited because I was pretty fucking sure that this would be the big Mercedes-Unique duet and I’m so excited for it. But it’s not, because nobody ever does what I want them to do on this show!!! Luckily Unique has written herself some lines this episode because nobody else did.
i volunteer as tribute
Here’s the performance:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSsSUY99aWk
Then Mercedes takes off her jacket and shows EVERYBODY HER SHOULDERS. It’s super scandalous. Also: awesome.
alright fine shoot me a junior mint
Cut to the auditorium, where Blaine gives Burt a really ugly rainbow pin and asks Burt if he likes gay marriage, and Burt is like HANDS DOWN TOTES I LOVE THAT SHIT, DUH! But does he love it enough to wear a rainbow pin (which, btw is not an actual thing for anybody besides Rainbow Brite)?
this will look so good next to my souvenir brooch from Epcot Center
Blaine’s then like, okay good, because I am 17 and somebody removed my brain, stuffed a basketball full of lip balm and then stuck it into my head, and I’d like to propose to your son.
Burt: “Are you joking or are you nuts?”
what if i pinned it right here on the shirt underneath my other shirt so nobody can see this gay-ass pin
Blaine, undaunted by the fact that he and Kurt are not even dating, would like Burt to consent to providing Blaine with Kurt’s soft hand in marriage. Burt explains marriage to Blaine, because gay people don’t know anything about marriage because it’s not natural you guys. Marriage is between a man and a woman.
Blaine: “I don’t think you understand how good it feels to finally be able to get legally married.”
Mhm, tell that to Edie and Thea.
look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t find klaine attractive
Anyhow, this scene could work, actually, if they wanted to raise the issue that personally was on my mind for a while after Prop 8 passed, which is the fact that a few times before — like in San Francisco in 2004, and then in California as a whole in 2008— gay marriage was legal for a brief period of time and then re-outlawed, which meant when gay marriage was getting legalized elsewhere, couples often sealed the deal immediately simply out of fear that they might not be allowed to after the next election cycle. But that’s real world stuff so, back to Glee and Blaine’s insanity!
Burt: “And you don’t really get what it is to be married. Straight, gay, whatever. It’s not the same as living together.”
Burt tells Blaine that it’s gonna be okay, because when two people love each other like Kurt and Blaine do and are as popular on tumblr as they are, it works out.
and this is how straight people have sex
We then take the choo-choo train all the way back to New York City, where Rachel has purchased a new sex toy for her and Quinn and wants to try it out with Kate Hudson first.
who wants an abortion?
The New Rachel thanks Kate Hudson and Kate Hudson says that she knew The New Rachel was special and might make it and that’s why she was so relentless. Rachel wants to know what fucking Brody had to do with all that:
Kate Hudson: “Well that was because of his abs.”
Rachel: “But yours are so much better.”
LESBIAN SUBTEXT/TEXT!
please let me come over and lick whipped cream off your abs later please
Back in the hallowed hallways, Kurt’s strollin’ around being Kurt and Blaine says he’s gotta ask Kurt something and it might take courage. Kurt’s eyes get real big like Blaine’s about to ask him to marry him…
don’t look now but i think there’s a vampire behind you
…but instead Blaine asks if Kurt will stick around for regionals. He’s like oh yeah totally, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You know how it is when you’re a student at the world’s most exclusive theater school and an intern at the world’s most exclusive fashion magazine — so much free time, so few places to go!
let’s go home and watch james deen
We end this wonder-ful episode, as we so often do, with a big group number in the auditorium.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQpvOfMkyZY
Are Artie and Fake Quintana getting together? Did this week’s writer talk to last week’s writer, because last week there was this shit with Ryder and I’m not sure what to think anymore about anything. Besides that I’m so glad this shitshow will be over soon!
Next week is the season finale of Glee, wherein the children will compete at Regionals. Also, Meredith Baxter and Patty Duke will play a lesbian couple mentoring Kurt and Blaine about their impending nuptials? I don’t even know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S2r1tFU0c8
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I just have to say that I laugh out loud every time there’s a caption about Junior Mints and I have no idea why I think it’s so funny.
Also, Jacob Artist really is a heck of a dancer.
Also, they can’t win regionals, it’s the end of the season. There’s nowhere else to go if they win regionals. They ran out of school year. I have no idea what’s going on with that.
It’s still mid-April in the Glee universe, so they still have plenty of time. They’re continuing the rest of this school year in the next season.
hahaha time
augh why
is that a really yes you know that or a guess? even if a guess, it is totally plausible.
does anyone else remember when on 90210 (not specifying, there is only one real 90210) they just did a whole extra year of high school? senior year twice. because why not. i hated it at the time (i was in 7th grade, i think, and so time was very rigid because TEENAGER) but i would actually prefer that to this. at least the months matched, their calendar school year was the same school year as mine. is it even mid-april in glee-land? other than the weather it seems like january.
Kurt checked off his calendar in this episode, and you can work out that it’s April, plus Regionals are always around that time.
Chord Overstreet said this: “The final two episodes are more toward gearing up for Regionals. The school year is half this year and the other half next year.”
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/glee-spoilers-chord-overstreet-regionals-season-4-finale-448481
And Ryan Murphy said this: “We’re doing some weird sh*t on the show, just wait. I don’t want to do what we’ve done every year; I want to do something different.”
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/glees-ryan-murphy-prepping-potential-425286
if nothing else, this show has an outstanding ability to make Lea Michele have chemistry with every female she has scenes with. Rachel Berry/Penny Lane, I ship it.
Dianna Agron, too. (God I miss Rachel/Quinn scenes)
she has pretty decent chemistry with everyone that is he skill not the shows.
i think that’s lea — at least back in the day before glee, she just has a lot of sexual energy in general. like she was one of those people who seemed like she could probably successfully seduce a tree
On point as always, and your captions had me in complete hysterics.
It’s a riot that even Darren Criss acknowledges Glee’s failure to be entertaining while filming the actual episodes.
Nothing makes sense on this show anymore, continuity isn’t even a concept to the writers at this point.
Riese, your continued obsession with junior mints (are they just small mints?) is the only reason I still read these recaps.
I hope one day love wins out and you get gay-straight-mint-married. Like Klaine, but fresher!
[i actually did not even know seinfeld had a junior mint situation, it’s just what came up when i googled “junior mint gif” and i feel like it’s accurate]
What made Mercedes story even dumber is they did it a few episodes ago with Rachel.
Both were faced with the issue of showing more skin for their career. Rachel thought was actually something to ponder.
I don’t get how them asking her to show cleavage meant they didn’t want her just her voice?
yeah i thought rachel’s actually made sense — because it was a specific and honestly realistic situation, that she’d be asked to strip for a crappy student film. and of course no, you save your nudity for an actual film where you’re getting paid and it’s helping your career. it’s just smart business. but mercedes thing didn’t make sense, at all! not one element of it made sense. i honestly think it’s possible that whole subplot just existed to intro her singing “higher ground.”
Oh my god my grandpa is making us watch this episode and I have to tell you how much I appreciate you suffering this for us
Does anyone else think Kurt looks like an old man without his dentures when he starts singing? Where do his teeth go? And furthermore, why did Mercedes become Rachel Berry as soon as she took her jacket off?
YES.
i had sorta noticed in the past but it was really bad this episode and once i started looking, i couldn’t stop. it started to creep me out and i usually think he is the adorbz. but it looks like he is trying to eat his own face.
Kurt’s disappearing teeth are an internet meme of their own. Look it up!
I wonder if this “Mercedes shoulders dilemma” is some sort of backhanded way of addressing the online criticism that they often dress all the girls in the same sleeveless dress but give Mercedes and Unique dresses with sleeves that cover shoulders and upper arms?
I think half the story lines that don’t make any sense are just the writers way of getting digs in at their critics at the expense of the show itself.
thanks for a lovely recap, riese. really excellent captions too.
i had actually never noticed that mercedes’ shoulders never had been shown before until they did. and of course it was smokin’ hot. which is not the case for that extremely unfortunate shirt she was wearing in the scene with her talking to her producer.
i like kate hudson better as a snarling writhing all-abs monster.
GAHHH all episode i was wondering what happened to katie!!! i know– shame on me for ever getting sucked into a plotline.
actually, shame on me for watching when i swore i wouldn’t anymore. i got stuck at a connecting airport overnight when a flight got cancelled. i had nothing better to do. (excuses fuel co-dependency).
last episode expectations: quinn goes to new york to see santana, but her feelings for rachel are brought back to the surface because she walks in on a dance class with the uber chemistry between penny lane/berry.
last episode reality: entire cast gets sent back in time to the jurassic period and they fight for survival hunger games style
… because Glee.
I literally came here just to share my feelings because while watching this episode I thought, man that producer dude looks familiar. A quick imdb search told me, HOLY CRAP IT’S PROTO ZOA FROM ZENON!!!
Sorry, that just made me more excited than a 26 year old should ever get about anything related to Glee or a Disney movie from 1999.
NO WAY, don’t feel bad because that makes me excited too.
Do you seriously not know who Peggy Bundy is?
Dude!
Finally! Someone else who recognizes Katey Segal from Married with Children! And also the voice of that alien in Futurama. :)
If there’s no Quinn and/or Santana with Rachel nothing is worth watching really. :)
Huge placard bearing the missive “Rachel = Fanny”, as a Brit and a Faberry shipper I appreciated this GREATLY!
#GleeActuallyHatesGirls because all of the guys on the show who can dance are given their holy moments of showing off their skills, while the rest of the girls sway in the background except for Brittany who is lucky to appear in half the episodes anymore.
I’m just still royally pissed off that Harry, Jacob,Kevin, Darren and even Chord are worshipped for their ability to dance, but Dianna never got the chance to demonstrate her dancing abilities except in group/background shots. UGH.