Back at Fake Julliard, Kate Hudson is being bitchy to The New Rachel again for no reason, but JUST KIDDING all this bitchery has just been a cover for the fact that she’s throwing her a surprise party because we are Fake Julliard and we are the best of the best, but we’re also family and we celebrate each other when there’s big news?
For real though — nobody wants to celebrate a second callback in such an enormous manner! The last thing you want before a huge audition is for everybody to already know about it, thus putting gallons of pressure upon your wee head, thus making it even worse if you don’t get it. THIS IS IDIOTIC.
Where’s Brody, I thought he worked here.
We return to Glee Club for Mercedes to tell everybody about how this producer wanted her to do everything his way but she decided to do everything her way! Cut to Mercedes on the phone, telling her producer that this is her life and her songs! He can’t just slap any old hussy on the cover of Mercedes Jones’ first album!
So now Mercedes doesn’t have a record deal, but she luckily worked with a producer who was somehow willing to sink thousands into producing her album, apparently sans-actual-contract, and then hand it over to Mercedes free of charge for her to release by her own damn self on Righteous Babe Records.
Mercedes: “Whatever happens, at least I was true to myself.”
Mercedes than breaks into “Higher Ground” and I got so excited because I was pretty fucking sure that this would be the big Mercedes-Unique duet and I’m so excited for it. But it’s not, because nobody ever does what I want them to do on this show!!! Luckily Unique has written herself some lines this episode because nobody else did.
Here’s the performance:
Then Mercedes takes off her jacket and shows EVERYBODY HER SHOULDERS. It’s super scandalous. Also: awesome.
Cut to the auditorium, where Blaine gives Burt a really ugly rainbow pin and asks Burt if he likes gay marriage, and Burt is like HANDS DOWN TOTES I LOVE THAT SHIT, DUH! But does he love it enough to wear a rainbow pin (which, btw is not an actual thing for anybody besides Rainbow Brite)?
Blaine’s then like, okay good, because I am 17 and somebody removed my brain, stuffed a basketball full of lip balm and then stuck it into my head, and I’d like to propose to your son.
Burt: “Are you joking or are you nuts?”
Blaine, undaunted by the fact that he and Kurt are not even dating, would like Burt to consent to providing Blaine with Kurt’s soft hand in marriage. Burt explains marriage to Blaine, because gay people don’t know anything about marriage because it’s not natural you guys. Marriage is between a man and a woman.
Blaine: “I don’t think you understand how good it feels to finally be able to get legally married.”
Mhm, tell that to Edie and Thea.
Anyhow, this scene could work, actually, if they wanted to raise the issue that personally was on my mind for a while after Prop 8 passed, which is the fact that a few times before — like in San Francisco in 2004, and then in California as a whole in 2008— gay marriage was legal for a brief period of time and then re-outlawed, which meant when gay marriage was getting legalized elsewhere, couples often sealed the deal immediately simply out of fear that they might not be allowed to after the next election cycle. But that’s real world stuff so, back to Glee and Blaine’s insanity!
Burt: “And you don’t really get what it is to be married. Straight, gay, whatever. It’s not the same as living together.”
Burt tells Blaine that it’s gonna be okay, because when two people love each other like Kurt and Blaine do and are as popular on tumblr as they are, it works out.
We then take the choo-choo train all the way back to New York City, where Rachel has purchased a new sex toy for her and Quinn and wants to try it out with Kate Hudson first.
The New Rachel thanks Kate Hudson and Kate Hudson says that she knew The New Rachel was special and might make it and that’s why she was so relentless. Rachel wants to know what fucking Brody had to do with all that:
Kate Hudson: “Well that was because of his abs.”
Rachel: “But yours are so much better.”
Back in the hallowed hallways, Kurt’s strollin’ around being Kurt and Blaine says he’s gotta ask Kurt something and it might take courage. Kurt’s eyes get real big like Blaine’s about to ask him to marry him…
…but instead Blaine asks if Kurt will stick around for regionals. He’s like oh yeah totally, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You know how it is when you’re a student at the world’s most exclusive theater school and an intern at the world’s most exclusive fashion magazine — so much free time, so few places to go!
We end this wonder-ful episode, as we so often do, with a big group number in the auditorium.
Are Artie and Fake Quintana getting together? Did this week’s writer talk to last week’s writer, because last week there was this shit with Ryder and I’m not sure what to think anymore about anything. Besides that I’m so glad this shitshow will be over soon!
Next week is the season finale of Glee, wherein the children will compete at Regionals. Also, Meredith Baxter and Patty Duke will play a lesbian couple mentoring Kurt and Blaine about their impending nuptials? I don’t even know.