Glee Episode 416 Recap: Feuds With Dudes And Girls And Boy Bands

Welcome to the seventeenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about men and the women who want to tongue-kiss them! It’s also about organic tomatoes and the potatoes who love them, and it’s also about winter camping, hot dog water and puppy purses. It’s a very dynamic show.


You may be asking yourself, “Riese, it’s already Thursday! Don’t your Glee recaps usually debut on Sunday at the latest? Isn’t there a new episode on in a few hours? What happened?” Well, I was out of town all weekend, spent half of Monday crying in the fetal position because of things people said on the internet, and then on Tuesday decided that I just wasn’t going to recap the episode at all, because honestly it was terrible and I didn’t want to watch it again. But mostly I had like 65 other things on my Too Much-to-Do-List.

But I have been dogged by this naggy reliable perfectionist asshole in my brain who absolutely cannot feel good about herself unless she follows through on her commitments, like the commitment I made to recap every episode of this show. What if you get mad at me or think I’m irresponsible? WHAT THEN. WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT IN THIS WORLD. I mean, Intern Grace made screencaps and everything!

So I decided to write a mini-recap. Real Talk: Honestly part of my aversion to recapping this episode is that I have extensive personal experience in the sex work industry in Manhattan and therefore have lots of feelings about Geyerdean’s new storyline but because I don’t really talk about that enormous chunk of my life history on the internet, I just have to sit here and silently go insane. Anyhoo, let’s get to it, shall we?

This week on Glee, the children, disturbed by the feud between Mr. Shue and the human-shaped Fritter Roll who rubbed his chapstick all over Emma’s lip balm several weeks back, have declared this week “FEUD WEEK,” because nothing brings you closer together like MOAR FIGHTING.

okay so everybody knows you guys are sleeping together and we're totally okay with it and want you to know you can be honest with us

okay so everybody knows you guys are sleeping together and we’re totally okay with it and want you to know you can be honest with us

You may be asking yourself: “How does Emma feel about this feud or Finn’s unfortunate disclosure?” Well, my silly compatriots, you must have forgotten that Emma is a lady and therefore her feelings are irrelevant. It’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt not speak of a woman’s feelings unless said feelings make Finn a better man.”

Back in New York, New York, Rachel’s not pregnant and wants to go to class. “Rachel, you can’t just blow past this like it never even happened,” Santana advises. Um, it’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments, Santana: “Thou shalt always blow past this like it never even happened.”

i saw the x-ray and it's true, if you swallow a piece of gum, then a gum tree will grow in your stomach

i saw the x-ray and it’s true, if you swallow a piece of gum, then a gum tree will grow in your stomach

Regardless, Sananta insists Rachel must question her relationship with Geyerdean, who we then witness participating in a musical number in which Geyerdean makes approximately three facial expressions and then a gorgeous middle-aged woman who stores money in her bra takes him upstairs to a hotel room to play Chinese Checkers or maybe Hide-the-Salami.

come on who doesn't use their bra as a wallet these days

you. me. scattergories. now.

We then traverse back to Lima, Ohio, home to 39 gas stations and 16 grocery stores, where many unnecessarily complicated hijinks are unfurling. For starters, Sue Sylvester wants Blaine to adorn himself in skin-tight polyester and fist tiny girls into the air and claims he signed a 456-page contract committing himself to the Cheerios forever, like they do in Scientology. Blaine refuses to commit to the Cheerios Cult, aka Sea Org.

we were on a break!

no way, last time you hooked me up to the e-meter my head caught on fire!

Meanwhile in the libraray, aka Ryder Bieber-Strong’s personal computer lab, Ryder Bieber-Strong’s pursuing an online affair with a girl named katie_xoxo, who we all know is probably an axe murderer and definitely not a 16-year-old blonde girl named Katie.

now that is some smokin' hot bear-on-bear action if i ever saw any

now that is some smokin’ hot gay bear-on-bear action if i ever saw any

Ryder thinks he and Katie The Arsonist are soulmates because they both love bears and french fries.

or, more specifically, a "bare bear" if you know what i mean

or, more specifically, a “bare bear” if you know what i mean

This is also when this week’s Social Issue gets introduced: unlike his Glee compatriots who prefer to play out their transphobia via microaggressions, repeated employment of male pronouns and unchecked low-blows veiled in offensive pop culture callbacks, Ryder’s going all in this episode and openly expressing his discomfort with Unique’s efforts to exist and be herself.

Ryder tells Katie The Kitten-Killer about a confrontation with Unique earlier that fine morning during which Unique called Ryder out for smushing his trouty mouth against Marley-Kate’s sugar shack. Ryder noted that it’s none of Unique’s business, which’s true, but then Ryder challenged Unique’s gender identity, because that’s what douchebags do when they can’t think of anything relevant to say.

despite all the forces in the universe on this show conspiring to convince me otherwise


yes, you're a douche

and you sir are an asshat

Katie the Kidnapper suggests Ryder challenge Unique to a duel for FEUD WEEK and Ryder Bieber-Strong is like, “You’re a genius!” If she was an actual genius she probably would’ve used Unique’s correct pronouns or a more convincing fake-picture, but whatever.

notice the gender stereotyping on this chat

note the oppressive color-coded gender stereotyping happening in this ichat

Accompanied by the Dothraki, we make our way back to New York City’s famous Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Santana continues insisting that Geyerdean’s not the cater-waiter Rachel insists he is and, furthermore, Santana’s very worried about the “soggy mess of a woman” Rachel has become.

look i'm just saying i could probably get you off before brody even gets out of the shower

look quinn and i only had sex twice, okay? you and I have already had sex five times and could be having sex for a sixth time tonight if you’d just take that stupid coat off!

We then traverse the barren wasteland of the post-apocalyptic tundra of the soggy mess of the Eastern United States until we arrive in Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester has gifted Blaine with a tub of cement disguised as hair gel, taken out 30 credit cards in his name, ruined his parents credit, stolen his identity, and a billion other things that are not only illegal but also really impossible to accomplish in such a short period of time.

this is not lube! this is pepper jelly!

i asked for crunchy, not smooth! i hate smooth!

But Sue’s crowning achievement was hiring a blimp carrying a “BLAINE IS ON THE BOTTOM” sign to circle the school…

...of the waitlist for a-camp

…of the waitlist for a-camp

…which inspires this fantastic facial expression:

you've doomed me to a life of tops!!

uuugghhhh now i’ll never get a date with emmet honeycutt

“That is completely inexcusable,” Blaine spurts. “and it’s not true! Not really!”

Well boys, there you have it.

1 2 3 4 i declare a nose war

1 2 3 4 i declare a nose war


Elsewhere in these hallowed hallways, Marley-Kate and The New Puck decide to get back together. “It’s me and you against the world,” says New Puck, apropos of nothing.

come on don't you wanna hate-watch secret life of the american teenager with me tonight like we always do

come on i promise i’ll make out with kitty in front of you next time


Later that same day, or maybe the next day or the day after that, Ryder and Unique perform an unfortunate mash-up of Elton John/Madonna. Can I suggest something really quick? Okay. Thank you. Maybe Unique is The New Rachel! Because she throws her whole entire self into every single song she sings, you know?

yodel for your life

and then unique and ryder decided to settle this score with a yodeling contest

Ryder rage-drums, Unique dashes about dressing everybody up in her love and then Unique touches Ryder’s shoulder and Ryder pulls away in a manner that inspires me to shove drumsticks in both of his earholes.

omg i just came in my pants

i’m the pretttieeeesssstttt princesssssssssss!!!!!!

At the song’s fortunate conclusion, Blaine suggests the winsome duo shake hands and make up, but Ryder Bieber-Strong refuses to call Unique a girl because he has short-term memory issues.

Ryder Bieber-Strong: “Look, I’m just so confused, okay? Yesterday you’re dressed as a boy, today you’re a girl. What – what bathroom do you use? I mean, make up your mind.”
Unique: “It doesn’t matter what you see, you don’t get to decide for me.”

The New Puck tells Ryder Bieber-Strong that he’s a douchebag because “in this room, we can be whoever we want,” like how Teen Jesus is a total waste of space yet still gets lines sometimes.

That's right, you're a 15 oz bottle of Summer's Eve Delicate Blossom Feminine Wash For Sensitive Skin, 15

That’s right, you’re a 15 oz bottle of Summer’s Eve Delicate Blossom Feminine Wash For Sensitive Skin


I think this is followed by another scene in Sue’s office, but I didn’t actually take notes for this, but Intern Grace made this nice graphic, so:

this is actually an upcoming photo exhibit entitled "how glee makes riese feel"

this is actually an upcoming photo exhibit entitled “how glee makes riese feel”

Also, Becky wears this:

damn, this show is wacky

hahaha look who escaped her cheerios uninform

We then traverse land and sea, resting briefly by the Tumtum tree, until we at last come upon the Only Classroom at Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s apparently teaching choreography to an all-female troupe of fishnet stockings to please Kate Hudson, who I guess still exists. Then Satana shows up because girlfriend is on a capital-M MISSION.

i'm still santana from the block

i’m still santana from the block

(Sidenote: If somebody asked me, which nobody EVER DOES, I’d say that Geyerdean’s an asshole because he’s not being open with his partner about the fact that he’s a sex worker, but there’s nothing inherently shameful about being a sex worker. It’s up to Rachel whether or not she’s comfortable with it — and she certainly doesn’t have to be. But he needs to give her the chance to make that decision for herself and not make it for her by lying. Anyhow…)

Geyerdean: “Do you know what your problem is, Santana? You’re loud, and you’re rude, and you think that attitude equals talent.”
Santana: “Another thing I am: a hardcore friend. Kurt and Rachel are my family and I can smell your sketchiness from here. So let me tell you how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna move out of our apartment tonight, or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you.”

Or she can dance around like a sex machine atop a shit-ton of scaffolding!

santana lopez sex riot

santana lopez sex riot

Ladies and gentlequeers, I present the best part of this entire episode:

We then tie up our Keds, strap on our motorcycle helmets, hop on our tricycles and wobble back to Lima, Ohio, home to three fantastic Arby’s restaurants, where Mr. Shue and a slice of pure Idaho potato have decided to work out their crushes on each other by performing an N’Sync/Backstreet Boys Mash-Up.


At the song’s end, Ryder Bieber-Strong suggests that Finn and Mr. Shue “hug it out” but Mr. Shue says he can’t. Finn says a bunch of things, like about how as a kid, I used to have trouble picking my favorite potato product at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and my Mom would only let me choose one potato product. But I wanted mashed potatoes and gravy, because KFC mashed/gravy was a serious situation in my life, but then they introduced those potato wedges! That shit was tasty.

this manchild is on firrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee

this manchild is on firrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Back in the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, Santana announces that she’s just snagged a job at Coyote Ugly, which’s where sexy ladies dance on a bar and yell about water.

guess who just got licked in the front and poked in the rear by that girl from the real l word in a dark corner at the dalloway? this gal.

guess who just got licked in the front and poked in the rear by that girl from the real l word in a dark corner at the dalloway? this gal.

Kurt and Rachel don’t care, they’re pissed about Santana pulling a Hey Paula on Geyerdean’s Dancing For Babes Class at Fake Julliard.

Kurt: “We want you to move out.”
Santana: “You’re joking.”
Rachel: “We’re not.”
Santana: “Olsen twins, let me tell you something, I have known you both for years, and I don’t like either of you 90% of the time. In fact, your wide-eyed Keane painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage, but you know what, I have love for you. You’re my family, and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about people than the both of you you have to trust me.”

come back next week and we'll tell you how babies are made

g-ddamn it hurts to have a butt plug in all day

Rachel insists that Santana’s making Geyerdean feel uncomfortable and he was here first, and those are the rules of Finders Keepers. Sidenote: Geyerdean’s lie is totally stupid. I’ve known somewhere around 20 sex workers who were lying to their partners about their job, and the key is to pick a lie which your partner would be incapable of verifying — personal assistant, secretary for a curmudgeony writer, nanny, something like that. Couldn’t Rachel just hit up the restaurant he allegedly works at to bust his cover? Oh wait, I forgot, it’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Question The Fact That Nothing Makes Sense!

Regardless, Santana’s got hoes in multiple area codes and won’t let Krachel cramp her sapphic style:

Santana: “I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney’s and she told me that I could crash with her if I ever needed to so that’s cool, because she has two Golden Globes.”

that's right, i'm gonna be the first woman of color to be granted more than two lines on "girls"

that’s right, i’m gonna be the first woman of color to be granted more than two lines on “girls”

Santana grabs the pillow and comforter apparently stored next to the living room couch at all times and then rolls on out with a mysteriously pre-packed roller bag. Bitches travel light and yes, she just wakes up looking that good.

Back in Ryder Bieber-Strong’s favorite hangout, the school library, Ryder confesses to Katie The Dogfight Wrangler that he’s still struggling to recognize Unique’s gender identity.

because no offense but i heard it's not selling well on itunes

because no offense but i heard it’s not selling well on itunes

Ryder professes that he “can’t in good conscience call him a woman. I respect his choices — but what’s true is true. I could put on a bunny suit and hop around the school handing out chocolate eggs but it doesn’t make me a rabbit.” Firstly, this show would be 500 times more awesome if Ryder actually was a rabbit. It would be like Zoobilie Zoo. Secondly, no human beings are rabbits, but all human being have some kind of gender identity. I mean, just for starters. Of all the things. That are wrong about that statement.


clearly demonstrated by the fact that i’m calling her a “him” and referring to her “gender identity” as “choices”

Katie The Cannabis Possessor points out that if anybody questioned the strength of Ryder’s friendship with Katie The Assaulter With The Deadly Weapon because they hadn’t met, that Ryder would get pissed off, and therefore he should accept “this guy”‘s truth too. Except that katie_xoxo is obviously a liar, which undermines this entire metaphor, but whatever!

katie_xoxo: “Well, this Wade/Unique guy believes he’s a girl. He doesn’t need any proof. That’s his truth.”
Ryder Bieber-Strong: “How are you so smart and so hot at the same time?”

and not one of the pics where you and new puck are both shirtless rubbing oil on each other's pecs, those weird me out

and not one of the pics where you and new puck are both shirtless rubbing oil on each other’s pecs, those weird me out

You know what I love about this storyline? And by “love” I mean “hate”? That once again (see also: Finn and Santana), the story of the oppressed L/G/B/T woman of color is being told by the straight white cis man who uses the woman as a playing field for his own personal evolution. WHY IS THIS STORY ABOUT RYDER AND NOT ABOUT UNIQUE???!!!!!

Moments or eons later in the Glee room, it’s time for Blaine and Sue Sylvester to battle it out via song! They’ve selected a thrilling Nicki Minaj/Mariah Carey mashup of “I Still Believe/Super Bass” for which Blaine plans to bop around…

today i will be performing "the mashed potato" and "the splits" in honor of finn hudson, greatest man on earth

today i will be performing “the mashed potato” and “the splits” in honor of finn hudson, greatest man on earth

…and Sue plans to employ space-alien outfits, glow-sticks and rave-style special effects.


i’m a barbie girl, in the barbie world, it’s plastic! it’s fantastic!

everybody in this picture is on crystal meth

everybody in this picture is on crystal meth

When this experiment in slow water torture concludes, everybody votes that Sue Sylvester and the Cheerios, despite not being actual Glee Club members, win, which means Blaine must re-join the Cheerios.

Later that day or maybe some other time, Marley-Kate peeps into Finn’s office (????) (Because temporary Glee Club leaders get private offices now) to thank him for everything he did for her.

wow so do you even have underwear on in this picture?

wow so does Jake even have underwear on in this picture?

Marley-Kate then drops some homespun wisdom upon her homespud Glee leader:

Marley-Kate: “Dude, you really need to grow a pair… I know that you’re feeling bad about yourself right now, and I also know how just one kiss can get you into a whole lot of trouble, but if Mr. Shue doesn’t want you around anymore, forget him, don’t let him define you.”

Finn says the four years he spent in Glee Club defined him and without McKinley he feels lost. Hm.


Marley-Kate says that Finn’s a “natural leader” and a “teacher,” and so the little wheels of change sputter to life inside Finn’s pale potato-like brainspace as he considers getting a teaching degree.

Later on that afternoon or maybe the next day, in one of McKinley High’s many vacant classrooms, Ryder Bieber-Strong shows up for a showdown with The New Puck, Marley-Kate and Unique. Firstly, he apologizes to The New Puck and Marley-Kate for smearing his man-lips all over her tender lady-lips.

it's so difficult to find other straight white cis males here, you know?

it’s so difficult to find other straight white cis males i can relate to, you know?

Then he apologizes to Unique:

Ryder: “Unique, look I’m not gonna pretend like I understand that I know everything that’s going on with you. But you have a truth, and as your friend, I need to support that truth, so you’re a girl, dude. Holy crap, did I mess that up?”

Unique recalls that mere hours after their FEUD WEEK duet, she was walking home from school in “all her Leslie Uggams glory” when a “group of popular girls” came after her, taunting her with pressing questions such as “are you a boy or a girl?”


Although Unique was wearing high heels and these girls were approximately three feet behind her, Unique says that she “got home before they caught up with me.” Probably she used the same magic teleportation device the alums use to travel cross-country on a moment’s notice.

Marley-Kate and New Puck insist they accompany Unique on her walks home from now forward to protect her, which obviously made me cry (despite the 567 problems I have with how they’ve been mangling this issue/character). Because isn’t that how the world should be? We should protect each other. We should be brave. We should walk home from school together. And have shiny hair.

marley is thinking about kittens

new puck is thinking about grizzly bears and marley is thinking about kittens

Then Fake Quinn pops in to volunteer for The Bully Whips beacause Fake Quinn is A and knows what everybody is talking about whether or not she’s in the room.

watch out, "popular girls." i know where you live. -A

watch out, “popular girls.” i know where you live. -A

Fake Quinn’s got her mind on regionals and says “we need to tighten up so we can win this,” which’s the same strategy they use in Youth Ministry to win the war against pre-marital sex.

not like, lesbian-quality good. but good enough.

not like, lesbian-quality good. but good enough.


Sue initiates Blaine back into the Cheerios and suggests he wear a thong to avoid visible panty lines. Personally I’d suggest seamless girltrunks, but whatever.

ugh these aren't even in my size

ugh i already own this exact pair

Good news: Blaine’s just a mole who’s gonna infiltrate the Cheerios from the inside and “bring her down.”

who's on top who's on bottom now

who’s on top who’s on bottom now

We then teleport back to New York City because teleportation is on sale (you’ll see), where Geyerdean thinks he’s meeting a client in a hotel room but is actually meeting MY dream client, Santana Lopez.

i'll take cunnilingus for $220, please

unfortunately i had sex with your client before you arrived, so i’ve pocketed the cash and will now leave if you’d like to take a nap or anything

But guess who else is hiding in that hotel room? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not R Kelly.

please be the kool-aid guy, please be the kool-aid guy

please be the kool-aid guy, please be the kool-aid guy



So basically Finn tries to kill Geyerdean and tells Geyerdean that he has to disappear “no goodbyes, nothing,” which will undoubtedly crush Rachel’s whole heart & soul far worse than just coming clean and dipping out, but Finn don’t care because he’s still convinced Rachel is his “future wife.” Mostly I think Finn’s really pumped to have something to care about hard enough to stop thinking about his career path for a minute.

her name is katie_xoxo and i met her on the internet

her name is katie_xoxo and i met her on the internet

Back in the Lima High School auditorium, a group of eager youngsters have gathered to desecrate the good name and melody of Tegan and Sara with an unfortunate rendition of “Closer.”

fuck it's hard to breathe in this turtleneck

fuck it’s hard to breathe in this turtleneck

They even get a little Breakfast Club homage in there to really round out the theme of ruining all of my favorite things. What’s next, french fries?

hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to glee we go

hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to glee we go

Then Ryder tells Madcap Bank Robber Katie that he’s not crushing on Marley anymore and feels really close to Illegal Parker Katie and would like to meet.

definitely the least-sketchy way to handle this sitch

definitely the least-sketchy way to handle this sitch

She responds to this invite by signing offline and then Ryder looks around the library like she’s hiding in the stacks and then the show is over!

Tonight on Glee:

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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  1. I couldn’t figure out where to get this into the recap so now I’m commenting on my own recap — are they ever gonna give Unique a romantic stoyline? They literally write her out of every scene/ep that revolves around romance or getting dates for dances, and so far she’s the only main character in the history of glee who has yet to kiss or date another character on the show. or even have a crush on somebody. the only other character who went this long without a romantic interest was mercedes, which was also inexcusable… and eventually she did get a boyfriend but i don’t remember how long it took for that to happen.

  2. What is most infuriating about the Unique story line is how close they came to actually not being terrible with the whole “you don’t define her gender identity” and then ruined it by saying shit like “you can be whatever you want in this room.” WTF I don’t even know what to write.

    • yes! i definitely got that vibe but didn’t know if i was being crazy — the vibe that they keep trying to play it as though it’s something Unique “wants” or it’s her “choice.” i don’t know if this is the writers’ transphobia seeping through or whether they’re just ignorant. so far all they seem to want to talk about is what she’s wearing and what bathroom she goes to, like that’s the whole story.

  3. This was one of the worst episodes of all time but I had to watch it because Santana and a Tegan and Sara song, but I feel really betrayed and I regret watching it.

    It’s actually kind of not believable for me that Santana gives a shit about that Graydon or whatever his name is being a sex worker. It just wasn’t very clear to me why she cares? Is it because he is lying? Like, its really disrespectful that he hasn’t told Rachel because they are obvs having sex and he should be honest about that shit and be honest about whether or not he is using protection and getting regularly tested, and Rachel should probably be getting regularly tested too amirite? It’s not the sex work thats the problem here, it’s lying/trust/safety but I feel like Glee is going to inevitably fuck this up. But IDK I don’t really know anything about that particular issue.

    ALSO. BLERGH. False positives on pregnancy tests are NOT a thing that really happen, unless you miscarry or have had a recent pregnancy and some of the pregnancy hormone is still in your blood. You body isn’t all “Oh whelp, I guess I’ll make some pregnancy hormone now for no reason.”

    And that was a terrible cover of Closer.

    Rant over. Ok bye.

    • Finn was like seething with joy that now he can feel like he’s the better man because Brody has become this “thing” unfit to being around Rachel. santana keeps treating it like it’s his entire identity — “i know the truth about you”, etc, that there’s something dirty about what he’s doing, when the only dirty thing he’s doing is lying. And i get that, sometimes people lie because they have to do what they have to do to make ends meet, etc, and it’s likely your partner might not treat you fairly about it. but personally i feel like the right thing to do is to give your partner the information and let them decide whether or not they’ve got a problem with it. i don’t think it’s possible to maintain a healthy, honest relationship when you’re lying about where you are for most of the day. everybody has their own opinion about it, but that’s mine.

      [also sidenote; it’s kinda ridiculous to begin with because male escorts who only see female clients are few and far between in the US at least, there’s just not much demand for it. but men love the idea of the sexual tables being turned, so you see it on TV (even in reality shows) way more than it exists in real life.]

      • It was Sex Worker Appreciation Week a couple weeks ago. So, belatedly– THANK YOU to all sex workers in every kind of sex work industry and here’s hoping we can live in a better world some day where we are all appreciated and valued (and are unionized). Or we can move to Amsterdam.

      • God I’ve been saying this all week. Instead of shaming Brody for being dishonest they kept slut-shaming him for being an escort, something that Rachel perpetuates in a really gross way on this week’s episode. And Finn was being an entitled douche psychopath, not a hero, like hundreds of teenage girls seem to believe after watching the episode, and also, Rachel. There is nothing heroic of what he did, what he did was craaaaaaazy and entitled. Rachel didn’t even GET to have an opinion because Santana and Finn decided for her.

        sñlkdhjñgsjgsjdf why do i watch this show

    • But…but…

      They pulled off a fake pregnancy in Season 1! And Quinn surviving a horrific car crash and up and singing by prom! And Quinn going all out on Shelby with that “make-Shelby-look-bad-for-child-services”! And so many other things that DON’T MAKE SENSE in the real world. I don’t mind it being unrealistic, but Glee has always tried to market itself as this edgy, groundbreaking show about kids who like to sing with lots of feelings so when it consistently falls flat on the “let’s try to be realistic for size” I feel like sticking a knife in my thigh because…gah…!

      AND the sad part is this show WILL BE BACK FOR SEASON FIVE.

        • Yeah, it is weird– which I think is part of why we keep talking about it. It’s such a mixed bag. This last episode though really did make me rethink my weekly dedication and also regret trying to convince my friends to give it another try after the awesome that was the “I Do” episode.

          I really appreciate you keep recapping it — I truly look forward to your recaps as much as I do the show.

  4. Gah…

    I hated this episode so much! The only reason I watched it was because Santana was in the episode,but I didn’t get WHY SHE HAD TO SING AND DANCE A PAULA ABDUL SONG TO GEYERDEAN WHEN SHE COULD HAVE SANG AND DANCE A PAULA ABDUL SONG TO RACHEL INSTEAD. Or any other girl for that matter! Gah!

    I didn’t get the Ryder storyline, I thought it was stupid. And this is so true!:

    “You know what I love about this storyline? And by “love” I mean “hate”? That once again (see also: Finn and Santana), the story of the oppressed L/G/B/T woman of color is being told by the straight white cis man who uses the woman as a playing field for his own personal evolution. WHY IS THIS STORY ABOUT RYDER AND NOT ABOUT UNIQUE???!!!!!”

    I felt like shooting my television after that! I couldn’t sit through all that bullshit! I skipped a lot of during this ep, and sometimes don’t watch whole eps at all! Thanks Riese for doing this recap.

    And that thing about sex workers was stupid as well, I agree with you. As is creepy Finn and manchild Schue. This show has come a long way since season 1, meaning it’s so crappy! I’d give anything to see it ACTUALLY GO BACK TO its SEASON 1 GOODNESS. I mean, what is this show? Who writes shit like this?

    But, Riese, I love that you referenced one of my all-time favorite shows: Game of Thrones! Wouldn’t it be nice if the Dothraki just came to Lima and eviscerated Ryder and all the other white cis guys?

    Anyway, thanks for the recap!

  5. And also, if I were to give this ep (and all the eps of this season thus far), a grade, I’d give it a diaper rash, on a scale from a diaper rash to a waffle iron. THAT’S how bad it was!

  6. Riese, thank you for recapping this episode. I was pretty much seething throughout most of it and had been dying to hear your take and read the comments. So basically a million points to you for sitting through it again and writing such a fantastic recap.

  7. where was britt this episode? into the mysterious glee black hole I guess. but I missed her. And I really don’t get why santana would call Finn and not just handle revealing his job/lies to rachel or whatever she’s gonna do herself…hell she probably could’ve taken him if she really wanted to see him get beat up.

    (these are things that bothered me aside from the terrible way the unique story was handled and the sex worker shaming going on)

  8. This recap was a million and a half times better than the episode – I laughed, I cried. My favorite was the Glee Ten Commandments.

    Riese, you are a comedic genius, thank you for continuing to trudge through these episodes for our enjoyment.

    • Yes! The recap was like, MILLIONS OF TIMES BETTER!

      Because the recap made me laugh and cry too, but the actual episode made me CRINGE….


      And then keep CRINGING until there’s no other thing to do but…

      Cry to the high heavens and ask yourself…Why? Why goddess, why?!?

      Why is this show STILL ON?!? Why?!?


      • The bigger question– why do we still watch it? :/

        For me– I can’t stop. It really feels like a co-dependent relationship. Every time I try to pull away, Glee just pulls me back in with a scene of Blaine and Kurt singing from Moulin Rouge or Santana and Quinn’s sex hair… or even that it will say positive things about how no one has the right to tell someone else who or what they are — but then fuck it up by qualifying it with “in this room.” Because I guess everywhere else, putting down other people is ok (ahem, tonight’s episode).

        I feel really sad and lonely right now. It’s the codependent crash-and-burn. I’m going to go watch Parks and Rec. She might not be a lesbian but Leslie Knope is a badass feminist and that’s mad hot.

        • Good question…

          Why DO we watch it?

          I guess the answer to that is…SANTANA. THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS SANTANA. 😉

          However, in my defense, I only watch the Santana scenes…especially when it’s with Rachel. Unfortunately, that’s hard when Finn and the others are also interspersed.

          I prefer Game of Thrones.

          And Arrow.

          And pretty much everything else NOT Glee.

          And have you noticed how shit the music IS also? It’s a sad day when you suddenly appreciate Backstreet Boys after you’ve heard Finn’s lame ass version.

          And seriously, I don’t need lesbians in my shows…I just need…good story lines…Which this show hasn’t had since…the pilot episode really. Sigh.

          • Hehe

            I mean…We NEED lesbians in our shows, obvs, but…if they’re just going to shit on our stories with their horrible storylines, then I’d rather watch something else really.

            I mean now Santana doesn’t even have anything outside Brittany except confronting someone’s boyfriend with a Paula Abdul song.

            My chest just aches with rage over that.

          • I know– I mean, what happened to Santana finding “community” like Brittany said would happen (and with a kickass rendition of “Girl on Fiya”)?

            Or maybe a better question is — WHERE ARE THE LESBIAN BLOGGERS?!?

            Oh yeah, I forgot– the Glee Ten Commandments –> who needs a storyline?

            What we need is a rehab group for former Gleeks. (I say this as if I am going to stop watching except I won’t because KURT AND BLAINE AND MOULIN ROUGE etc etc)

          • Gah! I know right?!? I wish I could stop but…SANTANA LOPEZ in pajamas, hoolahooping. That 3 roommates in one apartment is actually fun. I would watch that show if it were only Santana, Rachel and Kurt. And maybe Quinn, because I’ve liked her since season 1. 😉

            But yeah, missing lesbian community amirite?!? And this is freaking NEW YORK – where she would easily find that elusive community Brittany promised she would find. 🙂

            Sigh. Damn those Glee commandments!

          • Gah! I know right?!? I wish I could stop but…SANTANA LOPEZ in pajamas, hoolahooping. That 3 roommates in one apartment is actually fun. I would watch that show if it were only Santana, Rachel and Kurt. And maybe Quinn, because I’ve liked her since season 1. 😉

            But yeah, missing lesbian community amirite?!? And this is freaking NEW YORK – where she would easily find that elusive community Brittany promised she would find. 🙂 Then again, if Santana hooked up with Rachel, I’m so okay with that. 🙂

            Sigh. Damn those Glee commandments!

  9. This episode was wrong in soooo many ways, and I don’t want to stand up for some clearly poor decisions, but having a storyline about a white cis male not being comfortable with someone’s sexuality/gender identification/race/whatever due to ignorance and then trying to readjust his perceptions is an important one I think. The problem is that Unique doesn’t have a storyline of her own, not that Ryder has one about his difficulty accepting her.

    The fact that the characters are not getting it quite right first time but trying to be inclusive and supportive is important. By the ‘in this room’ comment I saw them as acknowledging that when Unique is not in their company she is in a less supportive environment where she has been forced (in the past at least) to not be herself. They just meant, you can be yourself with us, even if it’s harder elsewhere.

    • I was possibly too harsh in grabbing onto the “in this room” comment as a negative but I was reeling from the scene from last night’s episode where Kitty makes that hurl-worthy “joke” about “girls with dicks” but mere moments later Unique is calling Kitty one of her friends while in aforementioned room (after the Spice Girls song, which was super cute, of course).

      And also I do feel like Unique is being used, her singing voice becomes more prominent in every episode, it is complex and dynamic– but nothing else about her is. (I did like the “proud black woman” comment she made except it was made through asshat’s POV so ended up feeling gross).

      • Just watched that episode – will have to wait for the recap to really let loose, but how the hell do they let her say stuff like that and get away with it. She makes Sue look like an open-minded puppy dog.

  10. Things I want:
    1. Complete graphic of the “Glee Ten Commandments”
    2. Shirt with “Santana Lopez Sex Riot” screen printed on it
    3. To stop ending my sentences with prepositions

  11. I am super curious about Ryder’s internet ladyfriend. And of course, it didn’t come back in this next episode. Whatever. I really do hope it’s not Unique, though, although I thought of that too.

  12. ugh, I haven’t watched this show in ages, but I don’t understand why they couldn’t just have a simple discussion about gender, like IT’S NOT THAT HARD. I am pretty deeply immersed in queer culture, but I have been able to explain the basics of gender identity to so many of my straight friends, and I’ve directed them to better resources so that they could learn more from people who are actually trans*, and they understand it just fine! It’s not hard to explain, and they missed out on an opportunity to present the issue in a really educational way. It bothers me so much, because Kurt’s coming out storyline was done so well back in season 1, and I remember identifying with it so strongly as a closeted 16/17 year old. But that’s the only thing the Glee writers can do right. White cis gay male characters are treated so much better than the L (Santana), B (Brittany), and T (Unique) characters, whose sexualities/gender identities are either diminished or made to be the butt of the joke.

    I’m so sick of this show acting like it’s some groundbreaking, revolutionary thing for our community when it’s truly awful toward everyone except the Kurts of the world.

    • YES. Also Kurt gotten family story lines with his father’s health problems & his father’s second marriage, competition story lines with Rachel for solos, friend story lines with Rachel & Santana in the apartment, etc. Meanwhile Unique only gets poorly done story lines about her trans* identity. I mean, if it is going to be her only defining characteristic on the show, at least do it well, goddammit.

  13. I hate so much about this show but I LOVE that confronting people with pop songs accompanied by string instruments is like Santana’s thing. Musically this was no Smooth Criminal but, still, she has carved out a weird little niche for herself. How can one character from a show this terrible cause me so much joy? Like, nothing is consistent but how is it that she is consistently a blast to watch even when I disagree with her? So weird.

    But they wouldn’t go down the path of Santana being in love with Rachel, right? I am 90% sure no but her obsession with this issue was nuts. Santana is always over the top and tenacious but this was insane.

    This episode caused me so much anger. Finn staking claim to his property was infuriating. And Santana would never ever in a million years call Finn. If Santana was desperate to win first place in a pie eating contest she would call Finn (by her own estimation of him not mine). Otherwise she had done all of the work herself. Kurt was sympathetic to her suspicions he just thought she went too far. He would have happily waited in the bathroom. He records it they let Rachel make her own decisions. But even if she decided she needed a big strong man to beat Brody up, which she wouldn’t do, she would never call Finn. She would track down Matt from Season 1 before she called Finn.

    As far as Brody goes I agree 100%. There is no shame in being a sex worker but you have to be honest about it. However, I do think a bunch of teenagers who just left a small town in Ohio (granted a smalltown that broke the Kinsey scale) would have a pretty big problem with it. Santana, Kurt and Rachel can all be pretty moralistic in their own ways. So, I get why this would seem like a thing you couldn’t recover from to them. I do think that if she wasn’t obsessed with the issue and could think about anything without her emotions getting involved Santana might have some empathy for a person who has sex they do not and enjoy and brings them shame for an end goal other than that of sexual satisfaction.

    • See, the thing that makes this ep weird is the fact that Sam used to be an underage stripper, and Rachel seemed okay with that. So I’m confused, what was she actually not okay with? Because it would seem she only happens to be NOT okay with Brody lying. I think she should NOT be okay with Brody not being honest with her and having unprotected sex with her because hello, STD. Way to get the message through, Glee. And also, the way they write sex workers, ugh, Glee, it’s awful! And Rachel is okay with Finn going all psycho now? Also not okay. Also, Finn’s just creepier than usual in this season, so yeah. Gross. Def Rachel shouldn’t be okay with everyone, including Santana, making all decisions, including calling Finn to fix her probs, just so…weird and out of character…Gah!

      • Rachel was OK with Sam because they needed him to win Sectionals and she would never let moral outrage (if she felt it) get in the way of winning. There is also no actual sex going on.

        But Glee writes everyone terribly though.

    • Yeah, when Riese said “guess who’s in the room” I legit expected it to be Rachel in a “see-I-told-you-so” kind of way. Why on earth would Santana call Finn? Aside from how she should hate him for forcing her out of the closet, she’s always disliked him and didn’t like him for Rachel. So what the actual fuck?

  14. I can’t be the only person who was totally grossed out during the entire Blaine & Sue storyline, right? Ughhhhhh. I mean, I hated EVERYTHING EVER about this episode, but for some reason those scenes made my skin crawl. Maybe because it was supposed to be the “light & comedic Z plot” or whatever but was filled with sexual harassment that left me feeling physically unclean.

    And also confused, because the “twist” ending made no sense.

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