Glee Episode 415 Recap: Girls (And Bois) On Film

Cut to the bathroom, where Marley-Kate tells Fake Quinn that Ryder Bieber-Strong kissed her and she doesn’t know what to do, but she still likes New Puck, and after a 30-second power nap, I woke up to hear this:

Fake Quinn: “Boys are like lumps of coal. They’re dirty and cheap and they get hot when they’re rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many of you can.”

what do you mean i can't substitute a hot dog for a tampon

what do you mean i can’t substitute a hot dog for a tampon

We then launch into a charming rendition of Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend/Material Girl, which is a mash-up of “Diamond’s Are A Girl’s Best Friend” from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and “Material Girl” by Madonna, as prepared for my favorite movie Moulin Rouge.

we had a slumber party last night and took turns shaving each other's armpits, nbd

we had a slumber party last night and took turns shaving each other’s armpits, nbd

Glee415-00204-amazing

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Artie comes in his pants and Ryder Bieber-Strong does the hand jive.

so you basically take one puppy in each hand and then just plunge them into the bathtub

and this is how i give finn a foot massage

It’s a big, brassy, campy number and therefore it’s a great showcase for Unique’s pipes and a welcome opportunity for Marley-Kate to sing and dance like a grown-up.

just check real quick for me if i have anything between my teeth because i just had so much kale

just check real quick for me if i have anything between my teeth because i just had so much kale

here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgmgBzjjER0


We then traverse the hinterlands once more, landing finally in New York City where we hit up Fake Julliard’s only classroom, the Dance Studio, where Kurt’s practicing his pirouettes and triple axels and long jumps and free throws and kickoffs and dodge balls and synchronized swimming and chicken-chasing skills.

for a second looking at this i didn't think adam had pants on

for a second looking at this i didn’t think adam had pants on

Adam’s Apple pops in to ask Kurt if he still loves Blaine and if he’s just a rebound. Adam’s Apple says he “can’t compete with a fantasy,” which’s code for “I think you’re being super-delusional about your ex-boyfriend.” Kurt’s not being delusional though, is the thing, it’s just very complicated. In any event, Kurt says he desperately wants to be over Blaine but it’s super-hard because of all the Klaine shippers.


Back in the sweeping valleys and breathtaking cornfields of Lima, Ohio, Finn has tracked down Emma at her sister’s house on Pillbox Lane or something but Will would rather try on Mom jeans and feel sorry for himself than perform a grand romantic gesture just like in the movies. OR WOULD HE?

just try it with chili cheese, dude, it always brightens my day

just try me with chili cheese, dude, it always brightens my day

After yet another Darden International restaurant commercial, we return to Hillhat lane for Will Schuster to fuck with my deep memories and strong emotional attachment to Cameron Crowe’s 1989 romantic comedy smash hit, Say Anything, which I ALSO OWN ON DVD and in fact named our regular after.

oh no they're singing a capella

oh no they’re singing a capella

The most important part of this scene is that Emma’s lingerie is totally a Ferngully ripoff, Unique’s red coat is perfection and Sugar’s wearing an exact replica of my 1992 Raccoon hat. Looks like somebody’s found Geyerdean’s time machine after all.

here take it, i haven't listened to a casette tape on this thing since 1992

here just take it, i haven’t listened to a casette tape on this thing since 1992, no seriously i don’t want it anymore, just come down here and take it, please it’s really heavy

Will and Emma talk about their feelings because Will is a lesbian. Emma says she felt like Will came back into town and she didn’t know him anymore and he said it was weird at the altar when everybody was staring at him and then they decide to go to a movie on Friday night. Probably to see The Last Exorcism Part II.

i know, i had second thoughts about this coat as well

i know, i had second thoughts about this coat as well


We then traverse back to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Santana’s announcing that she finally feels like a New Yorker because somebody gross touched her boobs and Rachel is staring forlornly into a mug of tea wishing it was a vagina.

oh my god you have to see what's between my legs

hey girlfriend wanna try on my vibrating panties??!!!!

Santana tells Rachel she found Rachel’s pregnancy test in the Bathroom garbage bin and Rachel denies it for about three seconds and then her whole face scrunches up and she starts crying, because she’s supposed to be this big famous put-together thing and this wasn’t part of that plan.

Glee415-00258

i-i-i- just always thought i would be quinn’s first girl, i just always thought it would be me

Santana softens up because she can soften up when people are sad. Santana hugs Rachel and says it’s gonna be okay, next week’s writer probably won’t even remember this ever happened.

damn girl you've got a serious knot in your back from all that me-time with your hairbrush

damn girl you’ve got a serious knot in your back from all that me-time with your hairbrush


Back in Lima, New Puck has summoned Marley-Kate to the Art Room to confess that Ryder Bieber-Strong was responsible for all the Valentine’s Day specialness. New Puck explains that “trust and monogamy” is new for him so it’s hard for him to do anything else besides concentrate on that I guess.

like right now i'm actually struggling to remember your name

like right now i’m actually struggling to remember your name

Then he starts singing “Unchained Melody” from Ghost while giving a clay vase a sexual massage, and it’s even weider and more phallic than it was in the original.

i went to a babeland workshop that was just like this

i went to a babeland workshop that was just like this

Marley-Kate imagines that she’s molding the clay with New Puck…

it would be great if you could stop deep-breathing on my neck so i can concentrate on molding this urn for jenny schecter's ashes

it would be great if you could stop deep-breathing on my neck so i can concentrate on molding this urn for jenny schecter’s ashes

…and then imagines that it’s Ryder Bieber-Strong…

if you could tilt your head slightly i could get a better grip on your neck because lawd knows i'm sick of that true blood imitation bullshit

if you could tilt your head slightly i could get a better grip on your neck because lawd knows i’m sick of that true blood imitation bullshit

…and I imagine if we were to put all three of these jokers in the kiln maybe Santana could get more screen time.

ditto

ditto

Here’s the original:

Here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvasEi3lBvo

Then Marley-Kate confesses that she knew it was Ryder Bieber-Strong planning the Valentine’s Day festivities all along and also that Ryder Bieber-Strong kissed her and she let him. New Puck gets an indigestion look on his face and storms out. He’s got clay all over his hands though so I hope he doesn’t try to touch anybody’s boobs.

i knew he'd never understand my passion for claymation

i knew he’d never understand my passion for claymation


We then put on our golashes and sunhats and stroll back down the hallways of McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio, home of the Econo Lodge Of Lima, where Will declares that “everyone” won this week’s contest, which means we’ll never get our all-lesbian edition of Hollywoood Hootenany, Artie’s tribute to dance on film.

yup, caption

yup, it’s true, the Tan Mom lifetime movie was my idea

Everybody freaks out about this non-competition clause, except Marley-Kate ’cause she’s a sad panda.

it was at that moment that teen jesus noticed actual jesus hanging out over there by the whiteboard

it was at that moment that teen jesus noticed actual jesus hanging out over there by the whiteboard

William calls Finn into the hallway to thank him for saving his marriage and making William a better man. So Finn tells William that he kissed Emma, because he’s a selfish dicknail, but he fails to mention that Emma didn’t kiss him back, which seems important. William looks sad and angry and then, for the second time this episode, ditches Glee Club for whatever lies beyond the river bend of these hallowed hallways.

but emma hates hash browns

but emma hates hash browns


 

Cut to the auditorium for Footloose which’s totally fucking awesome because guess what, I love this movie and own the soundtrack obviously. (Of the 1984 version, OBVIOUSLY.)

Glee415-00304

just a little something we picked up at riverdance camp for wayward girls & bois

haaaayyy kitty wanna bust this pop stand and hit up walgreens for some female condoms

haaaayyy kitty wanna bust this pop stand and hit up walgreens for some female condoms and then we can party all night like Old Puck and Real Quin

if you think that aerial running man routine is gonna get me into your pants ryder, you've got another thing coming

if you think that aerial running man routine is gonna get me into your pants ryder, you’ve got another thing coming

Here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7xttBF-QJE

The original from Footloose (the sound/video is kinda off, FYI):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBaVbbPJVl0


Next week, Glee will be paying tribute to N’Sync!

really direct puppetmaster imagery happening here

really direct puppetmaster imagery happening here

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2826 articles for us.

34 Comments

  1. Riese!

    Thanks for this recap! It made me laugh so hard! So glad there’s someone out there who actually has fond memories of the 80s (music)! I think this ep DID alienate the 12 year old geeks who were born a few years after Kelly McGillis came out! hahahah! Where to start? How about, yes, Kara + Santana = genius ship! :) Risky business: Santana, Quinn, Rachel and Brittany in their underwear = pure gold! (And also, I just can’t stand Glee Project winner and new Puck, so!). I laughed so hard at that Top Gun reference! ahhaahha! Also, I love, love, love “Say Anything”, but I really don’t like it when Glee messes up stuff I actually like because John Cusack is much more awesome and Cameron Crowe rocks that movie! And also Moulin Rouge! Although I still prefer the original.

    But most of all, Santana in Bushwick. That is all.

    Thanks for this recap. Made my day! ;)

  2. Moulin Rouge is fucking magical and the best movie of all time. I’m so glad someone else agrees with me!

    Thanks for the recap! I only watch for Santana these days (and had the slightest hope that she’d tell Rachel about boffing Quinn which would lead to Rachel looking sad/wistful…)

    P.S. Finn, you are the worst, go home.

  3. Amazing recap as usual, Riese, I like all the different words you’ve used to indirectly call Finn a potato without ever saying the word “potato” =) Also the Jenny Schecter’s ashes caption slaughtered me.

    I am woefully behind on internet-speak so can someone explain to me what “shipper” means?

    • i always explain shipping as ‘being in a relationship with a relationship’. it’s being emotionally invested in a romantic relationship between particular characters, or it can just be thinking they’re hot and should bang, or a combination. for example, i would say i ship santana and starbuck because they’d be ridiculously hot together and they’d be a badass couple. and shipper is ‘one who ships’, so i’m a santana/starbuck shipper.

      ‘ship’ doesn’t even look like a real word anymore.

  4. Having never seen The Crying Game, I missed that transphobic reference, but I’m glad you didn’t Riese. The shit this show gets away with, I swear.

    Though I admit I’m part of the problem. I’d sit through anything to hear Santana snark at Rachel and pretend to snort coke off the back of her hand. Hilarious.

  5. “regarding William’s refusal to send a recon mission to Kobol to track down Emma Pillsbury”
    I may not know who Emma Pillsbury is, but (the remake of) Battlestar Galactica is my life! Starbuck and Boomer… let’s get together and have some sort of human cylon threesome?

  6. They did this with Mercedes, they did this with Lauren Zizes (Zises?), and now they’re doing it with Unique. QUIT ADDING SLEEVES TO THE DRESSES FOR THE FAT GIRLS. It makes them look like mothers of the bride. Either put all the ladies in different dresses of the same color, or make all the dresses THE SAME.

  7. I saw Moulin Rouge for the first time in Grade 7 and I got my mom to rent it for me at Blockbuster multiple weeks in a row – I would watch it every day after school.
    Some days I’d even watch a few scenes before school if I had time.
    I’d also annoy the hell out of my friends by quoting it endlessly at school.
    (Luckily my best friend is amazing and would sing Elephant Love Medley with me on the way to school – I would always sing Ewan’s parts).

    I finally got the DVD for my birthday and to this day there’s a napkin on the inside (I don’t know why I didn’t use paper?) from when I first got it where I keep a tally chart of how many times I’ve watched it (the DVD, that is. Not even counting watching it on VHS or at other people’s houses). I think the tally is between 40-50

    So exciting to read about everyone else’s love for this film since there was nowhere to fangirl over it during the height of my obsession. ha.

  8. I have basically stopped watching glee and started reading these recaps instead.
    Also I love Moulin Rouge! We always used to watch it at school in the run up to christmas etc. We would have whole class sing alongs with some girls even doing campy dance routines on the tables (we watched Coyote Ugly a lot too) and it was amazing. Sometimes girls’ schools rock :)

  9. “Imagine if this was quinn – brittany – santana instead” I did and it was beautiful.
    also do you, riese, just have a giant list of different ways to say that we are traveling between lima and new york? because honestly that seems like it would be the hardest part of the recap.

    • i have a feeling if i looked back at the old recaps that i would find out that something i thought i’d thought of for the first time this week i totally used in october, so i just cross my fingers that i’m constantly thinking of new ways to travel between lima and new york

  10. YES a million times to Moulin Rouge. I also had friends who said they didn’t like it because Nicole Kidman can’t sing. I think we can all agree that they have hearts of stone and their opinions don’t matter very much.

    More importantly: Southeastern PA outlet malls!!! Thank you for the shout-out. The legend lives on.

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