Gay Fall Scented Candles That Should Exist

This weekend — on Saturday, September 23, 2023, at 02:50 a.m. eastern, to be specific — fall officially began in the Northern Hemisphere. No, it did not start on September 1. Yes, I have been annoyed by people’s early celebrations of fall, but not because I’m a fall hater! Because I’m jealous! Because I do not live in a place where there’s a crispness in the air starting immediately after August! It still feels very much like deep, deep summer here in Central Florida, and it will still be the rainy season here for several more weeks. Maybe it will cool down further into October if we’re lucky.

In any case, now that it is indeed officially fall, I am ready to lean all the way into the season. I might not be able to feel it in the air, but I can certainly cultivate the vibe of fall in my own damn home. And that means an abundance of fall scented candles. Your Sweater Weathers, your Cinnamon Sticks, and other various classics found in the great lands of Bath and Body Works, Target, and HomeGoods. But today, I’m here with a list of fall scented candles that do not exist but SHOULD. Here are the gay fall scented candles that would be perfect in a queer home.

Your Ex-Wife’s Sweater Weather

a scented candle that says your ex wife's sweater weather

Notes of petty resentment and the vague memory of what her hair and/or dog smelled like.

Doc Martens Crunching Leaves

a candle labeled doc martens crunching leaves

That’s also called GAY-SMR. Notes of maple leaves, cedar, and leather.

Soft Butch Flannel

a candle labeled soft butch flannel

Notes of birch, mahogany, and the confidence that you can fix any household appliance.

Femme Flannel

a candle labeled femme flannel

Notes of cedar, sunflower, and expensive shampoo/conditioner.

Fall…ing in Love With Every Woman You Meet

a candle labeled in love with every woman you meet

Notes of desperation but in a cute way.

Pining Over Her

a candle labeled pining over her

Notes of desperation in a sad way. And pine!

Chaisexual Bisexual

a candle labeled chaisexual bisexual

Notes of cardamom, clove, black tea, and a worn leather couch that’s somehow both sophisticated and a little dirtbaggy.

Pumpkin Piesexual Chaos

a candle labeled pumpkin piesexual chaos

Notes of pumpkin, cinnamon sugar, and running into not one but TWO exes at the combination cafe-bookshop.

Harvest Gaythering

a candle labeled harvest gaythering

Notes of firewood, friendship, and found family 🥰.

Scissoring Cinnamon

a candle labeled scissoring cinnamon ✂️

Notes of spice and sweat.

Cozy Cat Mom

a candle labeled cozy cat mom

Notes of warm tea, pillow forts, and…is that…tuna?

Spiced Apple Prider

a candle labeled spiced apple prider

Notes of green apple, citrus, cinnamon, and attending your first Pride parade (sweat, vodka, sunscreen, pleather).

Lez Carve a Pumpkin

a candle labeled lez carve a pumpkin

Notes of pumpkin puree, pumpkin spice, and cheap beer at the dyke bar.

Sex With an Ex-Ghoulfriend

a candle labeled sex with an ex-ghoulfriend

Notes of being haunted and various bodily fluids — including tears.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 858 articles for us.


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