7.10.07: I am currently in Key West, the hottest place on the entire planet. I mean that literally, I could fry an egg on my head right now. Three drag queens just dragged [get it? drag queens? DRAGGED?] Haviland into a karaoke bar [circa 4 P.M., mind you] and made her sing “Like a Prayer” because she’s FROM BROADWAY: Haviland LOVES karaoke. Almost as much as she loves chocolate ice cream and naked men, and almost as much as I love heat.
The best part of the karaoke experience, as described by Heather immediately as “the best moment of [her] life so far,” was this woman who asked me all these random questions about myself and then told me I was in “Charlotte’s seat,” and I needed to move [I was videotaping Hav’s performance, so this effed up my continuity]. Who is Charlotte, you may be wondering? Charlotte is a dog. That being said, it was a very talented and obedient dog. It hopped right up onto that barstool. I wish I had a girlfriend like that. Just kidding. Girlfriends are for suckers with feelings. I’m Miss Independent, like Kelly Clarkson.
My photographic record of the gay-cruise so far’s admittedly a bit spotty: the first evening, for example, is on Jenn’s camera. I don’t have those photos. Also, my camera is bunk so I don’t take pics that often, and Layla’s been taking so many good photos that I haven’t bothered? So what I’ve got below is totes randomized photography, via the cameras of myself, Lainy and Heather.
[Once upon a time, we had slide shows: the presenter inevitably finds his/her travels captivating (each and every time, really) while everyone else’s like, please pass the Cheese Nips and a shotgun, thanks. Now, we have the blog-vaycay-recap. Is this an evolutionary advancement? You decide.]
Pre-Day One. (Like preschool, but for days of the week instead of education.)
0. Live it Out.
Carly and Riese complete Live it Out, the best gay teleplay ever written. Have I mentioned that already? I have. Just sayin’.
1. Riese Obvs Forgot to Bring the Tickets.
Though I miraculously arrived at the Pier circa my intended arrival time, I arrived sans ticket. This was a pretty cool situation, especially since my ticket is also my friend and traveling companion Lainy’s ticket. We weren’t on the ship’s register either (clerical error, also cool).
Lainy: Seriously? You seriously forgot the tickets?
Me: I’m thirsty. Ooo! There’s a Coca-Cola Classic in that vending machine calling my name.
Lainy: [on the phone with Haviland] Haviland wants to talk to you.
Me: No, I can’t talk to her. I already know what she’s going to say and I can’t hear it right now. [“Really Riese, really?”]
I literally had to boot up Sparky McMacBook and hunt down an old blog entry comment in the archives where Lainy’d cited our room number. About an hour later they found our reservation.
On our boarding picture, which I could probably scan onto this computer for $5.00/minute and a $10.00 service charge, Lainy’s all like: ‘Go Gay People!” and I’m in my Aviator Sunglasses talking to Haviland on the mobile. Go Gay People.
2. If I Cannot Figure Out How to Put on a Lifejacket, I Deserve to Drown.
I am so glad we did not go.
Cruise Employee: Where is your room?
Us: Eighth floor.
CE: You must go to your deck captain for the life jacket drill.
Me: Oh, actually, we’re meeting our friends on the pool deck right now.
CE: It is very important.
Lainy: Yeah, but we have to meet our friends right now–
Me: On Deck 12.
CE: It is required and important.
Me: We did it last year. I remember everything.
CE: Are you sure?
Me: We can just sink, it’s okay.
Lainy: We did it last year.
(Sidenote: Lainy was not on the cruise last year.)
(Sidenote 2: Heather and Hav were not on the pool deck actually. They were doing the life jacket drill, for some reason.)
3. Drinking on Holiday, Starring Riese and Heather.
Around five in the afternoon (I think), Janet (an actress-friend of Haviland’s) purchased me something large and mostly vodka. Somewhere between then and the next three hours, Heather and I did a shot or more, which for some sadistic reason beyond our control, were served to us in plastic cups and probs were more like 10 shots. We stole a picture of Ariel to color in and some chocolates and a shuffle-puck and some crayons.
I think I took this picture of H & H.
In Heather and Haviland’s room, the sunset was more or less perfect, the water like in a commercial where a woman steps out of a waterfall and gushes about her body lotion, and while Haviland rehearsed for the night show, Heather and I made a video we found totally hilarious. What was in this video? Um, me talking, and Heather talking. Kinda like this blog, except with moving pictures. I’ll post it later, when I have access to things like cords and the internet. I’m sure you are on the edge of your seat.
4. Broadway Belters.
Rosie said “Don’t put this on YouTube,” a lot. There was talk of Hassleback. Andrea McArdle looks good in white pants. Haviland sang “Mama Who Bore Me,” it was awesome, and Rosie said: “That girl is 100% gay. These are the new lesbians, you guys. They’re totally hot, and they walk around holding hands.”
5. Everyone Goes Dancing, but only Riese, Jenn and Nick Stay Out ‘Til Five A.M.
In 1992, I purchased my first cassette single, Rick Astley’s “Togteher Forever.” I love Rick Astley more than anyone else on this boat could possibly love Rick Astley, except Rick Astley’s mother or girlfriend. Yet even I was not interested in hearing “Together Forever” remixed 300 times. Jenn and her breasts asked the D.J. for “Irreplacable.” Apparetly, it is really hard for the D.J. to ever play that song and all I’ve gotta say Re: that is where is D.J. Carlytron?
The deck of the ship was wet from the rain that’d been at us all evening, and I said there’s no way we’re making it across here unscathed, to the Blue Lagoon where we’d eat/drink and of course Jenn totally fell on her ass. It was really funny.
There are some great photos of this night. I don’t have them. But I do have this photo, of Jenn and I getting our first of 5,000 new magnetic strip cards at the front desk, because they stop working all the time. Just ours.
6. 24 Hours Later: Still Not Playing “Irreplaceable.”
This time, we sent Esera to the D.J. He almost won the Super Bowl, wrote a book, can sing like whoa, and is super hot (and super gay). Haviland was like “AW, this’s your song right now!” to Esera and I ’cause we’re both all post-breakup-ish. Clearly they told him they would play “Irreplaceable.” However, by the time we left to go play shuffleboard, no “Irreplaceable” had been played. In the photo strip to your left, you can view myself, Haviland (gay), Heather (gay), Layla (gay), Esera (gay) and Craig (gay), dancing with other gays.
This is what the cool kids wear. Motion sickness bracelets and black nail polish.
This is what the cool kids do. I like this photo. Haviland took it. She’s so multi talented.
I stole Craig’s hat. I wish I still had it, I’d wear it right now.
7. Anyone Wanna Play “War”?
I don’t get gambling. If I’m gonna give my money away, I’d like something in return, like vodka or a pony or to feed a starving child or something, you know? Howevs, most people enjoy playing games with money and then losing their money.
The casino screamed at us via lights and unbearable noise. Let’s go gambling, do you know how? No.
Howevs: the casino had a lot of cheese cubes and crackers, which was good because I keep forgetting mealtimes.
Me: The only card game I know is “Go Fish.”
Me: “Lainy, this machine is like a bad relationship: you put more and more in, waiting for that coin on the precipice to drop, ’cause it’s so close, but you’re convinced–one more coin–it’ll drop, it’s so close, put in more and more .. that coin wants to fall and explode with “winning” … you’re totally convinced that the coin is like, one minute away from dropping … just a little more …”
Lainy: “Yeah we’ll never win this.”
Me: “Seriously though look how close they are to falling!”
Lainy: [re the people next to us] “Look, their coins are a second from falling too, and they’ve not fallen.” [to the people next to us] “Have you ever seen anyone win this game?”
“Not yet,” they say, intently hurling more quarters into the slot.
We totes cashed out with $3.25 after breaking even on the slots and profiting slightly on the blackjack game that the dealer kinda helped Lainy win.
The girl who took our picture didn’t like the one up there, so she made us do it again.
How Did I Get Here?
We don’t have a statue like that in our room.
In the man-in-the-mirror 13th floor O’Donnell vista: about 15 of us (including obvs me, Haviland, Heather, and Layla), a first look of a new film about Rosie. She showed it to us for our feedback. I was literally riveted. I laughed, I cried, I didn’t want it to slow down or speed up or ever end. I think it’ll have a big impact when it’s released this September. Also having a big impact: vodka-tonics mixed by myself for Heather and I. A tad strong. I want to talk about the movie, and how awesome it was to participate in a conversation about said movie with Sharon Gless (Debbie Navatni holla!) and Meg Tilly, but I don’t think I’m allowed to. (OMG!!!) (They are amazing women and actresses and I respect/admire their work/opinions, etc.) Anyhow you can see us looking like total weirdos in Rosie‘s latest video blog (which she made with Ross the Intern, of Ross-Blog ) for about ten seconds. You can hear us whoop-whoop. Ross talks about the film a bit on his blog. He’s the sweetest thing ever.
9. Are you Happy? Then It Could Possibly be Happy Hour.
Heather: [to Haviland] “Wanna know what we did wrong? We took you at your word when you said the bar was that way. We ended up with like, three minutes before happy hour—”
Me: “Dashing across the pool deck, like we are getting our two drinks for the price of one—yeah we are!–”
Heather: “It was like the Amazing Race down there,”
Me: “We were weaving in and out of deck chairs, leaping over newborn babies …
OK, that’s all for now. More later. The events on this blog and relative words alloted to each event are not reflective of the actual importance of the events themselves. For example: Item 8. Susan Powter. Everything that’s happened since Happy Hour yesterday, which ended at like, 6 or something. But I’ve gotta save some things for later.