Friday Open Thread: Misandry and Mimosas

Hi hello and welcome to this week’s Friday Open Thread, your place to share your misandrist deeds of the day or workshop those sexts you’ve been meaning to send or just come in and hang out.

My personal misandrist moment: Earlier this week I had to explain to two separate men that I just hadn’t been hearing them when they spoke to me, and what a time that was! This is a common “problem” for me, and by problem I mean “thing I really like and don’t necessarily do on purpose but also am not sad about even at all.” Actually if I’m being honest I explained that to the women who were also hanging out with their dogs, and I can only assume the men heard me. And if I’m being even more honest than that I was truly only paying attention to the dogs. There was a skateboard nearby! They could have been scared!

dog and lesbian with a skateboard and the sun in the background

look at this dog and her lesbian. so cute and not at all afraid of skateboards

Otherwise, since we last checked in in this scared space, I’ve been sad, I’ve been rad, I’ve been running, this very morning I tried out Soul Cycle and I assume I am dead now, it’s hard to say, I’ve been working, I’ve been trying to read through my to-read pile while also buying a million books while also trying to not buy a million books, and I’m really into color-coded to-do lists, now and forever.

How are you? What’s new, what’s up? Share your partners (jk) (???), share your pets, show us your gem-sized life updates or expansive photo essays or gif interpretations of where you are right here right now. Let’s talk about your week, your morning, your dinner, your mom, your magazine impulse buy, that weird thing your phone started doing and that weird thing your girl started doing and anything else. Let’s live vicariously through each other’s happinesses.


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Carolyn Yates was formerly the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com. Her writing has appeared in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She lives in Los Angeles by way of Montreal and Toronto. Find her on twitter or instagram.

Carolyn has written 946 articles for us.

170 Comments

  1. My therapist suggested I read “Daring Greatly” & it’s a little too accurate & I feel rlly called out

    On Sunday I didn’t want to be alive but then I remembered that adoption events happen on Sundays so I got out of bed just to pet dogs I can’t adopt and now I want to adopt a giant dog.

    I shouldn’t but I am weak willed and crazy so we’ll see how long that it takes for that “shouldnt” to become “but I did anyway” followed by “I Have Regrets”

  2. Hello, coco cola flavored Slurpees and double stuffed Oreos! Oh boy this week has been a pile of dog poop. My fibromyalgia and chronic migraines are still flaring like crazy. Pain, pain, and more pain. I’ve been trying to get work done, but it’s been hard. I’ve basically been hibernating all week. I’m just so tired and in so much pain and nothing is really helping and agh it’s been bad, friends. I’m actually at the point where I need to tell my boss ’cause I’ve been missing so much work/ going to so many doctor appointments/ asking to work from home so much. There’s this dumb picnic she needs me to be at tomorrow, and the flare is so bad I know I can’t. So I got some doctor notes and I’m gonna email her while I cry. But! It’s not all bad! There’s more good than bad! Here’s some good stuff! My sister is having a baby! His name will be Max 🙂 I bought him a Where the Wild Things Are onesie! My last two avocados have been totally perfect and so good! My gf and I got a free ac! My cats are soft and the best lunatics I could ask for! I’ve been catching up with an old high school friend! Haim’s new album is so good! So is Lorde’s! It’s not too hot today! My gf and I are gonna cuddle under the heating blanket tonight (well I’ll be under the blanket…not her) and watch Ocean’s Eleven and eat vegan sandwiches from the best vegan place down the street. I’m keeping my head up, pals. Happy weekend! <3

    • FREE A/C! GOOD AVOCADOS! MAX ?? too cute

      It really sucks that your flare ups are taking so much out of you but I’m glad you could get notes to email your boss / didn’t attempt to do a thing you knew would hurt just to, like, be some mythical ideal employee or something.

      Also MAX! omg

      • Isn’t it the best of the names? it was our grandpa’s 🙂 I didn’t know him too well, but he was a pretty boss man. And yea I debated going to the picnic and debated going and then I was like you know what my health comes first. She can be mad. She can give me death glares on Monday. She can give me grunt work for 2 weeks. My health still comes first. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but when ya got illnesses that aren’t going anywhere and you feel like death 95% of the time ya gotta learn fast.

  3. I’m reading “Women in Clothes” – it’s a collection of essays, photos, interviews and so forth about the relationship women have with what they wear. It’s fascinating! I have a love/hate relationship with clothes, in part because I have a weird hang up about dressing in the soft butch/dapper clothes i like…i just end up in a t-shirt & jeans when I want to be classier.

    Also been exploring the SF bay area. Question for locals: are there any single lesbians here even? I swear to the sky that every gay lady I’ve met is VERY partnered up. And so are all their friends. *sigh*

    I’ve found lots of good vegan ice cream though!

  4. I’ve started a new rotation at work last week and it’s made me reflect on how people perceive me and how I want to be perceived and where I’m at in life?
    Not where I thought?
    Anyways, I’ve resolved to be healthier this month and kinder to myself and promptly started off by killing off a bag of very delicious chips.
    Now I’m happily lying on the couch, after literally licking my fingers clean, to work up the motivation for taking down the garbage.
    I’m such a shining example for how to lead a model life.

  5. You know that part of the “Pirates of the Carribean” ride where the pirates are auctioning off women? Well, they’ve replaced it in Disney Paris, and soon in the US, with another scene. But the redheaded woman who was being auctioned off was changed into a lady pirate! Bonus, there appears to be another scene where a nobleman is dueling another lady pirate. Here’s the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZViIysnxo6Y

  6. Another slow work week and I am so glad that it is Friday. On Tuesday I took my cat to the vet for her annual checkup and shots. She was terrified, but she behaved really well and we were in and out in 15 minutes. In non-cat news, I bought Tori Amos tickets! I’m so excited! I think this will be my 8th TOri concert and seeing her perform never gets old.

    And here is your weekly dose of Callie:

    Feel free to follow along on instagram if you can’t get enough of the world’s cutest cat: @identitytokens

  7. It’s mah birthdaaaaaay! Enjoy this picture of my friend’s dog Brodie yawning at the San Diego dog beach. Brodie is half Corgi, half lab and a Very Good Boy. I love him.

    Put pics of more dogs below: vvvv

  8. The biggest piece of news? I officially graduated this week. I am no longer a student. I am done with formal education,and screw anyone who says that I shouldn’t say that because I enjoyed my third year just as much as I am glad that it’s done. The ceremony was on the formal side, but it was nice and quick. That being said I would have enjoyed it more if my period hadn’t decided to strike me the same day. The same day that I was far from period pads and pain killers.

    In other news I visited and exhibition yesterday of artwork from my LGBTQ+ youth group. It was all so beautiful and soooo deep. Maybe next time I wont be so lazy and write something myself lool. I also had a tarot reading from a gay male witch who is part of the group. It was my first time I’d ever had one and let me tell you I was so emotional afterwards I may actually get read again.

    As for my misandrist deed, I’m sure my existence as a queer black woman who puts herself first is annoying to *some* (read: many) men, so yay!

  9. I have also been sad. Recently graduated and am now having the whole ‘well, what tf now dilemma?’ When I think about it, it makes my head hurt. And then when I avoid thinking about it, which is most of the time, I feel guilty about not figuring out my life. Going to college older, I thought I’d cope with all of this better and know what to do. Turns out, not so much. As it turns out, you’re never too old to be lost af. Anyhoo, thinking about it, or not thinking about it doesn’t really matter, because either way, I feel sad about it.

  10. I get a slight jolt of perverse, misandrist pleasure on my evening run each night. I run back home on the same road I walk to work on- where in the day time I’m yelled at, honked at, or stared at by almost everyone (I’m very obviously foreign, and foreigners don’t walk here), no matter how modestly I’m dressed. I’m relatively resigned to this, but, nonetheless, when it’s dark because the street lights barely work and they recoil or jump back in slight fear as they hear someone run up behind them- it’s a treat! (petty- I know, dangerous- perhaps, but rather satisfying all the same!)

  11. ummmmm mimosas are my favorite. like, i would drink them with every meal (wait, why do i not do this?). this week went by way to fast (currently studying for a huge grad exam that’s coming up so desperately wishing time would slow down). otherwise–have spent some time with my therapist delving into my inner dialog and working on being kinder to myself (exam stress is not really helping with this, lol). why is it that when i’m supporting my friends/family/partner i’m full of positive affirmations and nice supportive words but when i need to give myself support i turn into a freaking bully? anyone else dealing/dealt with this? being a fully functioning emotionally healthy adult is hard sometimes fellow queermos. here’s to hoping next week is better.

  12. All my tech is dying! Like, partner and I are moving countries in less than two weeks’ time, and in a few days we’ve gone from having two laptops, a smartphone, a tablet and an elderly iPod between us, to one (and a half, sometimes, ish) laptop and the iPod, because I break everything electronic that I touch, and none of this could wait until after we got back to Home Country. (Also my headphones, but they mostly work when sellotaped up just the right way, so… fingers crossed they hold out for the 2-day car journey back?)

    Also it hasn’t quite sunk in that we’re leaving our current country just yet. Or that, like, I have to get a job and stuff asap. On the plus side, my home city (the one we’re moving to, at least temporarily) has SO MUCH QUEER STUFF, so I am excite to try out queer cafes and bookshops and maybe also roller derby! Just… gotta get through an extended family holiday and a cross-country move with none of our usual self-care/organisational/technological supports available. Wish us luck?

    • Oooo roller derby! There are a bunch of teams (gangs? squads?) here but the events are kinda inconvenient for public transportation and I’m so intimidated but hopefully will make it to watch a few this time around.

      best of luck with the move!

      • I hope you can! I’m so excited- apparently our local team is based at a sports centre ~10 minutes walk away from where we’ll be living, so I can (probably) see ALL THE MATCHES!

        And thank you!

      • Thank you! And that’s true- I’ve been feeling in a very artsy mood lately, so maybe a comic about road tripping with your fiancee, very gay little sister, and very conservatively Christian parents could end up in the works…

      • Thank you!! And yeah, thankfully my partner is super great about backing up all their stuff, and I managed to salvage all our photos from my phone before it breathed its last reboot loop, so we have the important things, at least?

  13. This is my doggo Sadie who just turned 8 on Wednesday!

    Also I took my Young Americans/Jake Pratt/Kate Moennig obsession to the next level and had some Rawley Academy tees made

    I’m in a depressive slump with my BPD but I’m maxing out on self care and being kind to myself and remembering that its temporary and gets better

  14. “I’ve been trying to read through my to-read pile while also buying a million books while also trying to not buy a million books”
    Same. I’m reading books for a review site I write for while I finally got Hidden Figures out from the library (after 29482 months)…

    Also I don’t know…quite what this means, but I’m prepping to audition for a women’s (and queer) chorus…with “You’ll Be Back” from Hamilton. Proud low-ass alto over here!

    And my partner and I had an actual date night for the first time in a while where we ate and played skeeball at Dave & Buster’s and it was lovely.

    Have a good one friends 🙂

  15. GUYS I finally saw Wonder Woman and everything was good in the world for like 2 hours!! And we left the cinema feeling super misandrist!!! And on the way to the cinema I saw graffiti that said “clitoral pleasure against the patriarchy” and it was just perfect.

    Apart from that….I went to a BDSM party on Saturday and I’ve been sporting a considerable number of bruises on my arms and chest since then and I tried wearing longer sleeves but it’s 40+ degrees so TOO HOT so now I’m just having to put up with everyone asking what happened to me. And apply arnica every 5 minutes. OH WELL. Anyone have a miracle cure for bruises?!

    Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!! Love and hugs!

  16. Moana is one of the movies I missed out on seeing in theaters. It’s on Netflix now and I watched it this week.

    There was ugly crying cat 1 and slight feelings of glad I watched it alone and not in public around people mixed with sad I did not see and hear some of on the big screen with surround sound etc.

    Frozen had Let It Go which was moving yeah, but 2 grandparents are the people who gave me the world with the Smithsonian magazine and Nat Geo when I was a sad, outcasted child with odd interests like Pre-Colombian Meso-America.
    They were the only people really interested in my interests and broadened them further.

    So naturally Moana and Gramma Tala made me a blubbering mess.

      • I’m not a crier (to the point it’s freaked people out) just Moana’s themes resonated with deep feelings and Gramma Tala strongly reminded me of my Grampy who died the July before August of 2005(Katrina).
        Her laugh, the way she grinned and cheeky tone in her talk even the gad dang cane. Also he had tattoos having been a Merchant Marine and other things.

        Our loved ones die but they are always a part of us especially the ones who helped us grow and I feel like without the influence of those 2 grandparents I don’t think I’d be alive.
        But still I miss them so much.

  17. I came back from a trip to Japan on Sunday day and I am still kind of tired due to the time change. All I want to do right now is put on a swim suit get in a cold pool or even lukewarm jacuzzi and nap. It’s also pretty hot right now, should be hotter over the weekend.

    My week has been interesting as a fellow straddler(really cool person btw, hi if you are reading this) and I are writing the trans and queer gal guide to Los Angeles. I typed in gay coffee shop in LA and found about a riot that happened 10 years before stonewall at a coffee shop(don’t think it’s there anymore) within walking distance from my work. Essentially the story is the place was frequented by cops in the day and trans people at night. I guess cops didn’t like that trans people were not dressing their assigned gender and a gay writer starts making noise and throwing coffee cups and donuts, and helps incite a small riot. I’m also finding that some events that existed in April have been moved from the better Saturday slot to a Sunday night spot. Why are we always relegated to nights the next day is a weekday? Related, I also have plans to hang out with a dear friend this Sunday; so, my Sunday should be pretty queer with my taking pics of queer spots to visit. Look out for that guide in the future.

    I am also co-hosting with a lovely queer gal(and her wife), a LBTQ beach day next Sunday a bit south of Marina Del Rey/Venice area if anyone who is in the area wants to hang at a safe space.

    Had a really good time seeing the sights last week in Japan, and just learned that genderless fashion is a thing that is slowly become more and more popular there and kind of noticed it. Didn’t really get to check out any lgbtq spots, but did get to eat loads of food(sorry it was hard beeing vegan for a week there so I had some seafood but no dairy, meat, or eggs), sight-see, watch a robot show, and drink some really good sake, & beer. It’s an amazing country, and will have to see more of it in the future.

    Kyoto bamboo forest. This was a really beautiful place and near it was the monkey sanctuary where one can see, and feed monkeys, but not touch.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

  18. Living at home has made me miss out on a really amazing girl. Even though I’m an adult (and a recent college grad, which is more school than both my parents combined) My mom still insists on telling me I can’t go out and taking my keys. So after multiple efforts to try to go on a date the girl gave up on me.

    And I’m livid? Not at the girl (I totally get it) but at myself for never standing up and fighting back after years and years of being treated like crap. Maybe missing out on something amazing will kick me into gear of trying to get out of here

    • Urgh, I’m so sorry! That sounds incredibly frustrating for you, and what your mum’s doing sounds super shitty and hurtful. I don’t think it’s at all your fault- I tend to defer to my parents even though they generally treat me well, because standing up to them is really hard to do, so I imagine that doing it in that situation is that level of difficulty x1000.

  19. Tomorrow, my best gal pal is going to go out shopping with me for job-interview-appropriate clothing. Because nobody knows what is happening with the company I work for except that it’s pretty clear that whatever is going to happen will be followed by job searches (and interviews) for most of the people I work with directly. Which will be too bad, because I really like my coworkers.

    Meanwhile, I’m really, really bad at tolerating ongoing uncertainty. Easily distracted, a bit short on the temper side of things (just ask my Kid!), that kind of stuff.

    But I got a mention in the Comment Awards today and TBH that makes my whole day OK!

    • Yay for the comment awards mention and also I hope you find something you super love shopping! I need to buy a real person suit for job hunting and just thinking about trying to figure out what counts as appropriate professional suit wear in reasonable fit and styles and prices is terrifying.

      • This will be only my second real job hunt, and my first as a lady-presenting person. I’m going to lean very heavily on my pal’s sense of fashion and knowlege of what’s appropriate. I’m really grateful I have such pals.

  20. Its my birthday! At 31 am I officially old? I feel no different and just the other day my aunt told my mother very confidently “oh, Sara doesn’t look 12–she looks at least 13!”

    I’ve been so busy this spring/summer that my head is still spinning and my to do list never ends. I am excited to see what has happened this time next year. Will I finally manage to go on a date thats not a shock to me when I realize it’s supposed to be a date? Will my writing stop sucking?

    How long can i dye my hair wild colors while living in a corporate world and it still remain ‘amusing’?

    There’s a ton of really crappy things going on in the world–close to home and not…but, at least for today, I’m kind of super excited to see where things land next year. I hope some of you are, too!

  21. Spent this afternoon packing up my car to drive some stuff to my folks house in preparation for moving up near them in about a month. It’s been great getting rid of a bunch of unnecessary stuff, but I still have so much. I just love books and art supplies so much. Kinda in the “this us real I need to pack stuff and move BUT not gonna think about the emotions I am having” stage. It’s weird moving out of the place I’ve been in for 3 yrs. It feels more like home than most anywhere I have lived.
    I have LOTS of music but any good moving playlist suggestions? It’s a 5ish hour drive each way and I’m making the trip a few times in the next month.

      • Hmm similarly since that list of gay music videos the other day I’ve been on a nostalgia kick. Not a bad idea considering I’m moving back to my hometown, oh early 2000s Portland feelings!

  22. So I have complex and regular PTSD and my brain had been doing this fun thing where it occasionally associates my (totally wonderful and supportive) gf with terrible people from my past and I feel like I’m drowning. Also it’s hard to find these experiences on the web. BUT I’m having a good day finally, and whenever I feel sad my cat stops pretending to be aloof and cuddles with me, so that’s cool <3

  23. I had two allergic reactions this week so my skin is JACKED UP. I still have what I can only call rashes on my neck, arms, and hands. I am in constant discomfort. I’ve never had rashes like these before. My glasses fell apart in my hands and my computer fell and broke (not 100% my fault). I wanted to relax after meditation circle on tuesday, but the group leader wanted to talk for HOURS. I thought I made it clear I was tired and hungry, but I guess not enough. She is nice I was just tired. I had to read a meditation to her afterwards so I had to wait around. It has been a shitty ass week. I am sitting in my grandma’s bed watching cartoons. At least I got a new pair of cute glasses, like I’ve always wanted. There are upsides to being a semi adult. My grandma said I can have one of her computers (she has 4), I just need this rash and discomfort to go away!

    • Ooooh honey I feel ya, been in an allergy saga for over a year. I’ve had urticaria (hives) AND angioedema (aka giant hives, horrid swelling that develop under the surface of the skin).

      I’m not a medical professional (even if I would I wouldn’t be trying to diagnose across the net) but uh here’s a gallery of hives:

      http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/picture-of-hives-urticaria

      If those are what your rash looks like consider seeing a dedicated allergist, not a dermatologist or GP.

      What worked with my itching was soft lose clothes, a benadryl (diphenhydramine) every 4 hours, applying calamine lotion 3 times a day, cold water with a neutral hypoallergenic soap when bathing.

      Also what soothed was soaking in a cool bath mixed with 2/3 cups *158 ml)baking soda, if you do that tho keep your hair out of the water because it might make your hair a little stiff or tacky. An oatmeal bath helps too but the baking soda and cool water just felt extra soothing to me.

      My hives stretched out, pissed my skin off and I was on steroids so hydrating like crazy and using a gentle hypoallergenic moisturizing lotion was necessary and will probably help too.

        • I can but if an adult dosage makes too woozy or what you probably shouldn’t. Directions say every 4 to 6 on adult’s benadryl liqui-gels

          It supposedly takes about 300mg (about twelve 25mg capsules) to cause serious harm or death to a full sized adult, mileage on that probably varies a bit but uh one 25mg capsule every 4 hours over a 24hr period adds up to only 150mg six capsules.
          Which is the maximum dosage on the directions on my box.

          When I was taking like that I looked like Rocky Balboa had fight with a brick wall and felt like I was being chewed on by fire ants so every 4 hours was a sane thing to.
          You probably aren’t doing THAT bad. 😛

  24. Evening Folks I have to drive across Europe to get to my parents house next week…and I am terrified! Plus my wife is meeting us out there so I have to miss her for the whole 4 day journey-whilst doing all the driving, and camping with my parents for the first time in 18 years. At least we get to drive back together. Send good vibes please.

    Good news I survived dinner with the family who I don’t speak to, the racists were not in attendance and no one has vouchsafed to me why…idk and idc. I’m hoping my mother doesn’t now think I have forgiven my grandparents – we’ll see in December I guess. I wonder if I’m going to be the asshole that ruins Christmas.

    Have great weekends folks, I’ll be loading a camper van, updating a satnav and freaking the fuck out.

  25. Worked on soothing my school feelings by ordering the weirdo lesbian pin because it speaks to my heart like very few labels ever have.

    Plus I am developing a reputation in my department as that gay girl who can’t tell men apart, after getting halfway through a conversation before realizing the person I was talking to was not, in fact, the coworker I thought I was talking to. In addition to spending a year accidentally mentally merging two of my colleagues into one dude, despite their dramatically different sizes, hair, and names.

    All in all, not so successful week on the writing front, fairly successful week on the misandry front.

  26. I was trying to think of any recent misandrist moments, and then I realized I’ve had only maybe two minor interactions with men in the entire last week. Then I thought about it some more and realized I don’t currently have regular contact with any men other than my father, and occasional contact with only a very small handful of them. So I don’t know if that counts, but I’m doing something right.

    • I work with two guys out of a staff of 7, they are basically the only men I see regularly. On a first aid course recently I had to hold hands with them and then put the back of my hands to their faces…they both have beards…which was like whoah-what is that. During this exercise I realised this was the most prolonged physical contact I’ve had with men in the last 15 years of my adult life. Which was a weird epiphany.

          • Furry like soft?

            I’ve only hand my hands in 2 beards that weren’t all braided up with beads an’ things on em.
            And they have felt like pubes to me, only one of those beard owners found that information hilarious but that’s also the same person who nestles my unshaven pits and pretends to be a baby bird while making chihuahua snuffling noises…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  27. The restaurant I work at is actual hell in the summer because we have big open rafters and NO INSULATION so it’s one big circus tent of heat. It was 90F last friday night INSIDE of the dining room and everyone’s been sweaty and angry and short-tempered, but after three summers in this place I finally heard our manager and owner talking to people about getting it fixed. HALLELUJAH.

    Also I baked bread for the first time in a long time (bc depression) and it felt like a little bit of a breakthrough (a bakethrough? IDK)

  28. My parents are visiting, and I had a huge fight with my father that I’m not sure we’ll ever recover from. He essentially told me that unless he, as a white middle-class 70 year old man, personally has experienced something it doesn’t exist.

    When he tried to turn my explanation of “not all men” into an excuse to outlaw Arab immigrants (because if women get to fear all men because of rape culture, he should be allowed to outlaw anyone he might be irrationally scared of) I said, tears running down my face, that I’m sorry, but as someone who has personally experienced sexual assault I can’t keep having this conversation anymore today, at which point he basically called me a liar and stopped me on my way out to rant about how lax rape law has gotten (“everything is aggravated rape these days”), which of course includes my own experience (asleep and unable to consent) which has been upgraded from sexual assault to rape.

    He basically aged 10 years over night, and bought me flowers and told him not to listen too much to him, which is the closest thing to an apology I’ll ever get for not being a legitimate person, with legitimate experiences, whom it’s more important not to keep hurting while she’s crying her eyes out rather than be right. I had contemplated coming out to him (my mother has explicitly told me she doesn’t want to know anyone’s orientation or religion, so coming out to her is off the table), but I can’t imagine ever doing that now.

    I’ve struggled all week with impostor syndrome, for daring to feel bad about this.

      • Thank you. It’s difficult to feel like I have a right to be this upset, because I know my father loves me and there are people who have legitimately abusive parents.

        Mine are just racist, sexist, and homophobic, with heavy dollop of master suppression techniques, and lashing out when feeling threatened (which is all the time now, because the world has changed).

      • Thank you. It’s difficult to feel like I have a right to be this upset, because I know my father loves me and there are people who have legitimately abusive parents.

        Mine are just racist, sexist, and homophobic, with heavy dollop of master suppression techniques, and lashing out when feeling threatened (which is all the time now, because the world has changed).

      • Thank you for the support. Wilful ignorance is such a difficult foe. 🙁 I’ve spent countless hours discussing sexual violence statistics, speaking about my experiences as a person who gets harassed whenever alone in public, and so on and so forth. I thought I was getting through—two weeks ago he even told me about how, before I was born, my sister had to give up her promising track running future because she grew breasts and all the boys at school came out to harass her while training—but it’s all too clear now that everything he hasn’t personally gone through every day are just isolated one-off incidents, and probably lies at that.

    • Ugh of course that’s rape 🙁 sorry you experienced it.
      What is with guys in their seventies thinking it’s only real if it happens to them? Mums dyslexic & I’m dyspraxic and he doesn’t get that we find things hard because he doesn’t find those things hard. Even with bugs, our skin attracts all manner of bugs like Mosquitos and fleas. We have to literally show him a flea before hell admit the cats have them (even when we have bites). And another thing he does is insist America all has the same weather so when we’re in Boston in winter we dress for Florida in summer… I know all this is minor compared to what your dad denies but the arrogance of them! My mums learned to google anything factual he says as he says everything with such confidence.
      And the bigotry. He seems to think the good thing about having Muslims on tv is more stories about terrorism (he suggests this regularly ever since 9/11 he’s been obsessed and we’re not even American) and he and my (lefty 80 yo) granddad laugh whenever we bring up privilege.

      • Yep. I don’t even try to discuss privilege anymore. He was born one of ten children of indentured farm workers in the 1940s, so he couldn’t possibly have any privilege in his present comfortable upper middle class life. If I so much as utter the word privilege while trying to explain it I get an incoherent rant about the 1950s and 1960s that tangentially borders on witnessing class struggle but never actually gets there, or something about northerners mistrusting us southerners when he lived in the north in the 1970s.

        • Sounds a lot like my dad. I daren’t mention privilege to him because he honestly got a shit deal growing up & in life (less than working class family, never stayed anywhere long, his dad beat him, one of nine & his dad did worse to the girls, left school without qualifications, now he has bad mental health problems). But he’s a transphobic sexist who makes homophobic jokes. I just tell him jokes are better when you kick up not down.

          My stepdad annoys me. He was born upper working class which he denies because he’s embarrassed about it, to the point of saying he was from a posher county. Ever since he went to grammar school, he had privilege in pretty much everything. Now he moans because for the first time ever he’s now totally privileged – old age making him invisible & giving him disabilities.

          He even compares his having a gf seventeen years younger than him when he was in his fifties to homophobia since not everyone believed it was love.

  29. My dad keeps sending me transphobic and sexist jokes/comments and he’s a proud lifelong labour man. I don’t have the guts to confront him head on about it let alone come out (I’m sure he suspects I’m at least ‘one of the guys’ and attracted to women which is why he feels so comfortable doing it, I don’t think he realises nb ppl and transmen exist as its all transmisogyny when it comes to trans jokes). Anyway I text him saying ‘some ppl think they’re leftist but all they really care about is class. That’s not equality’. He just text back ‘do they?’ and I text ‘yeah’. (our entire relationship is texts & cards these days, I can’t handle him face to face as he struggles w not arguing w waiters over everything and I have social anxiety so that doesn’t mix well) I’m trying to keep a relationship w him but it can’t just be on his terms.

    I’m really happy the player in my team I’m rooting for atm scored tonight. I’m rooting for him as comments about him to do w monkeys keep cropping up from rivals. It’s just so ugly & weird that this stuff still goes on in 2017 (he’s black). The rest yeah. We won but ugly game, bottles and stuff chucked at our players. I’m not commenting on anything I’ve not seen or heard myself but that’s ugly enough on its own.

    I’m on over 20k now in camp nano 🙂 had to change cabin as nobody was talking to me and I was the one keeping word count afloat.

    Like I said I’m really enjoying all the four od stuff. Sugar Rush from my youth 🙂 (enjoying it more now im not comparing it to the book) and a programme about gay men criminalised in uk for being gay post 1967 and the challenges they still face. And a thing about AIDS which obviously massively affected gay community. And that’s just this week.

  30. It was our 17 year anniversary this week! Here we are about 17 years ago:

    Yes, I know our relationship may be older than some of you…

    Our neighbour’s children made us a card:

    Don’t you love the creature’s smile/ awesome snarly grin? Best anniversary card ever!

    My wife’s garden (still not a euphemism) is looking like summer fireworks:

    And I’m continuing with creating an image a week inspired by it for her Christmas present this year:

    Wishing you all colour, cheer and chewy deliciousness this weekend!

  31. I spent a lot of time at work this last week. I also had my new employee orientation, which was only mostly useless which I guess is better than I expected. (Note I started more than a month ago.)

    I finally got my new insurance information and got an appointment scheduled with the doctor that Kaiser required me to see before I could get my prescriptions filled. I think I’m really tired of disclosing being trans to health care professionals, even if they don’t react badly. I have more to go, though, because supposedly Kaiser NorCal tries to be good at trans care (we’ll see), and I’m hoping to get electrolysis paid for. I still have a lot of non-work stuff to do like finding a hair dresser who knows their way around curly hair and buying new underwear.

    I haven’t had the concentration for reading good fiction so I’ve been reading a lot of lesbian vampire and mermaid fics I’ve found on AO3, plus some smut. I’m hoping to make some time this weekend to sort through Smashwords’ sale and see if I can find the 10% of things worth reading. I’ve also been routing a Final Fantasy V challenge run that I’ve been meaning to get back to for years. At least one good thing about having a full-time job is that I do, actually, get days off.

  32. This has been a pretty great week, overall. Mostly just gearing up for my one-woman Badass Summer Road Trip to beloved east coast haunts that begins this weekend. Lots of snuggling my cat before I hit the road.

    Got a fresh cut and color and had queer Sunday dinner with my guys in ATX. I will remember how delicious that meal was for the rest of my life.

    Summer Reading Program wrapped up this week in the Children’s Department and it feels like a success. All the kids got to pick out a book to keep and I got lots of hugs from my little patrons. I found out I’m the cool grownup all the kids want to high five, which is all I’ve ever truly wanted to be.

    A dude at work thought it would be totally great to call me “sweetheart” – twice – and I didn’t have his head torn off like an aggrieved Chiomara. I only fantasized about it. Small victories.

  33. Oh yeah Carolyn I have that problem all the time. When men are talking I have a tendency to tune them out because my dad is rambler and terrible at getting the point when he’s not issuing commands.
    His spectrum between bumbling old white man to drill instructor has always been spotty at best and has been getting worse over the years. He’s always been frustrating to talk to.
    But at least I never cower when men yell at me because their yelling is weaksauce compared to what I grew up with. Also my Sgt. Hartman impression is great.

  34. It’s not Friday, but can I still join? This is my first time posting sooo I don’t know how this works.

    I have a tendency to tune men out as well, I think it stems from being the only girl in a family that talks WAY too much. So it’s not really intentional, it’s just… I’ve got things to do… and if I don’t tune them out I’ll be standing here all day.

    I signed up for A+ today and I think it’s the best decision I’ve made all week.

    Also I’m moving out of my parents’ house in a month and I’m psyched. Unfortunately one of my new roommates is allergic to cats so I won’t get to take my furbabies with me (I probably wasn’t going to anyway because I’m moving from the country to the city and they love being able to play outside). That is my one drawback with this move. Also it’s just weird to move out of the house that I’ve lived in for over 20 years, and know that it will never be “my” home anymore, just my parents’ home that I visit sometimes.

    I’m getting to dance a whole bunch of Lindy Hop this summer, and that makes me incredibly happy.

  35. Yup, not Friday anymore, keeping up the horrifically-late-to-everything fuckery of my life.

    Plus, I love getting here and reading nearly 150 comments from cool and cute queers. I laugh, I grimace, I crush super hard… It’s a journey.

    This week has been super unfun. Still not working. Starting to kill my soul. BUT! I got my first real hater on Instagram – he left some really violently nasty comments – and I was SHOCKED to see that after I reported him IG had banned him within an hour. I can only imagine it wasn’t just me, but I was expecting not to hear back from Abuse so the fact I got such a positive response made me happy.

    Also, there is a story behind this but it’s not important – this is my favourite picture of me ever EVER.

    A post shared by Resting Butch Face (@resting_butch_face) on Jul 14, 2017 at 3:51pm PDT

  36. i know its not friday anymore but i just wanted a place to vent ab how much procrastinating that is happening in my life rt now. I have literally (well not literally but it feels like it) read every tweet, status update and comment in the world. I can not seem to get myself motivated to do a damn thing, not one damn thing! meh!

  37. i know its not friday anymore but i just wanted a place to vent ab how much procrastinating that is happening in my life rt now. I have literally (well not literally but it feels like it) read every tweet, status update and comment in the world. I can not seem to get myself motivated to do a damn thing, not one damn thing! meh! I found several lamps on craigslist I like?

    • My polite recommendation is to not try to do everything. Give yourself that permission. (There, you’re already doing things!) Then pick one easy self-contained thing you have to do at do it. (Not the lamps.) That’s all. One thing is more than no things, you know?

  38. Late to the party, but I brought virtual happy to share ^__^

    So, FitBit is hiring me to do a TV commercial of actual users who love their FitBits. Pretty sure I haven’t taken my Alta off, like ever. I guess they really liked my success story of losing 55 lbs this last year, and coming out to the world as the confident, amazing trans woman I am. At any rate, the commercial will sure beat the one I did as a kid after winning the “golden ticket” to appear in a real live circus.

    Funny time at the doctor. She suggests out of nowhere that could still “detransition”. I point to my breasts, and am like,
    “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a possibility anymore”.
    “Well, those are forms aren’t they?”
    *Takes off shirt and bra* “Fuck no – these are all me”
    *Doctor’s jaw dropped. Scored extra misandrist fuck you points*

    Swimming every morning now, and was running on the treadmill today when it hit me: I am no longer running towards something. There is no longer this image of what could be urging me to run faster, harder. She is me now. I am her. And for the first time working out, I just had fun. Looking around the Y, I couldn’t stop smiling, wondering “How are you not all happy? Don’t you KNOW how amazing it is to connect with and love your bodies?”

    Other happy news? Job is falling apart, but some really amazing opportunities are appearing out of nowhere. My best friend is getting married, which means I get to shop for my first “go to a wedding dress”, hopefully dance wildly with the most gorgeous, funny, witty woman on Earth, and then fly off into the sunset on rainbow unicorns…

    See, I have this adult thing down – life is all planned out 😉

    • This is so beautiful!
      It feels just like holding someones hands and spinning around as fast as you can until you fall into a grinning laughing heap.
      Congratulations ~ and hurrah for sharing happiness!

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