FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: It’s Time to Play a Round of “Tell Me Everything”

Hello, ponies and zebras, and welcome to this week’s Friday Open Thread! Yes, it’s that time again: we’re gonna hang out, bake vegan moon pies, and plan the revolution. JK! (Except actually, if you wanna do any of those things, I am down. I might actually make some chocolate peppermint cookies myself.) This is our weekly space to gather, send love to one another, commiserate with someone, share our happiest memories from the week, and/or post photos of our pets and partners. Let the games begin!

piggies

It’s Friday, which means by now you’ve probably accomplished many things. Me? I wrote some stuff, scraped up my knee, drove the Pacific Coast Highway, and — oh, yeah, right — overslept. I overslept every damn day. Y’all, I set my alarm for 7 AM every night and made sure my phone’s volume was all the way up and made sure my alarm was set to have a ringtone and tested the ringtone and fell asleep waiting for the ringtone and then the ringtone never came. Every single day my alarm does not go off. How is this possible? Am I turning it off in my sleep? Am I doomed to never be a morning person? Please feel free to theorize about this minor/major problem in my life in the comments.

Also, just while we’re being honest, I’ve also spent the week carving out more and more time for self-care. About two weeks ago I had one of those awesome moments of revelation and now I’m on kind of a kick w/r/t indulging and doing things that feel good and help me recharge, and thus I’m letting myself lounge about, read voraciously, and post Hillary Clinton links to Facebook ten times a day in an effort to live my best life. It’s pretty much the best thing I think any of us could do for ourselves, pro tip. Also, I’m on like season three of The Office and nothing hurts.

Enough about me, though. I’m very curious to know what you’ve been up to! I’ve missed your darling faces. I’ve missed being the mad hatter of our weirdo tea party! (Also, did I mention I’m getting really into tea? Oh, sorry, I said “enough about me already.”) I’ve really missed you, and I saw that pic, on Instagram?, your hair looked great. I’m dying to find out what’s gone on in your life this week, or how you’re feeling, or what you’re eating for dinner tonight, or when you’re going out, or if your mom called while you were at work or how lucky you are to be dating the best girl, or how you make sure you’re in your lane when you’re driving. Tell me everything. Don’t hold back! I can’t wait to spend the weekend with you.

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By any chance, would you mind if I bought us some pizza-flavored Combos and then I drove us around? I’d be really into it.


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Carmen is the Managing Digital Editor at Ms. , host of Bitch Media's POPAGANDA podcast and co-founder and Contributing Editor at Argot magazine. She previously served as Straddleverse Director, Feminism Editor and Social Media Co-Director at Autostraddle. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr or in the drive-thru line at the nearest In-N-Out.

Carmen has written 926 articles for us.

308 Comments

  1. Someone just got on the tram. They smell like my dad. They smell like forests and bike oil, ice and warm overworn fleeces. Fuck.
    That’s a kick in the face of ever there was one, as I’ve spent all week missing my dad like an amputee misses a limb. A dull pain gnawing on my heart and my brain.
    He died last year, just before my 22nd birthday and it still hurts like nothing I’ve felt before.
    Sorry… Needed to get that off my chest.

  2. I’ve (sort of) made the decision to come out to my parents this year. ( I think) . Id do it right now, but I’m waiting until I’m more financially secure. It’s a bad financial decision all around, cus my rents pay my tuition and most of my living expenses, but I hate who I am right now, and I’m hoping I’m not just being naive , and I can do this. I’m being really angry and mean to the people I care about, and I’m tired.
    I’m going to a “Dump Trump” Rally on Tuesday that I’m stoked about , and I’m reading this webtoon I really like. About to go to my last class of the week..feeling pretty okay .

  3. In Chicago for the first time in my life. Yesterday I interviewed with 9 grad schools in one day.I thought seeing all these schools would help me decide where I wanted to go, but they all gave me the same sales pitch. How do I decide where to go if I’m not they want my money or my talents? I’m terrified to start a new life by myself. I always thought there would be more people with me. But my hair looks pretty rad today so there’s that.

    • I cried my eyes out when my family drove away after helping me move for grad school. But I bonded with my classmates super fast (only five others started at the same time as me, so it was a small group) and proceeded to have a blast with them for the next years.

      My advice is to try to pick the school that will best connect you with a career, if you’re even slightly considering working in the field you’re studying. It’s a nasty job market, and unfortunately it seems like you have to start thinking about applying for academic jobs the minute you start grad school.

      I’m saying this as someone who has washed my hands of academia, mind. Those still in the mix will know more, and know better, than me.

      Good luck picking your school!

    • Welcome to Chicago! That sounds exhausting, not gonna lie. Be sure to give yourself time to rest in that decision making process. As a Chicago-living grad student myself, I had to take a lot of time to let things process before deciding.

    • Having grown up in the rural Pacific Northwest, Chicago was my first “big city.” Blew my mind. All over the sidewalks. You’ll love it! Serious food culture, so whip out a guide (like the new Lonely Planet app) or an app (Zagat, etc.) and go wild! Good luck with the school hunt!

  4. I’ve been spending the week inside watching Netflix because I have a cold and that’s a good enough excuse in my book (I mean the insomnia kinda kicked my butt too).

    This directly led me to become obsessed with a ridiculous new show (Scorpion, which is NOT EVEN QUEER oh my god why is everyone straight on CBS) that’s not even that smart but there are geniuses ok and I’ve had a soft spot for them since I was a hardcore fan of “The Pretender”.

    Anyway. I’m getting better at making friends ! “Queer night” last Friday was FANTASTIC, that burlesque show was ridiculously fun and ten kinds of awesome. I’m meeting one of the girls I met there again on Saturday (yay new friends).

    I think I’m reaching a point of maturity in my life you guys. I’m ready to cut the chord with my mom. I love her to death but it’s time ! And this totally also helps me make more efforts to make friends outside of the family and expand my horizons a bit. Yay to growing up ! (It’s never too late).

    I’ve also come to the realisation that procrastination is a big fucking problem for me and I should maybe get help before I self-sabotage my academic career…

    (This reads like a journal entry from 10 years ago omg).

  5. Carmen, I think it has just been one of those weeks, you know where they aren’t terrible but you think there is something out to get you. I had one of those weeks. It started on Sunday after going on a rainy but fun hike with a fellow Strabbler. My entire body hurt so bad and then I managed to drop everything I was carrying on Monday, Tuesday I found out that my incision from the surgery I had in October is infected and was woken up at midnight by a child screaming outside my bedroom window, and yesterday I was told I had have to go back to see my surgeon. It has just been one of those weeks.

  6. I recently made the choice to leave my entire life in Virginia and move to Portland Or to become a more authentic self. I had an amazing cross country trip with my sister where we drove for 12+ hours for 3 days and then when we got to Portland we got drunk and played cards with my girlfriend till we couldln’t kep our eyes open.

    I’m spending a little too much time with myself though, while I finish up some licensing stuff so I can start working and my anxiety and the general lack of sunlight in this city is making that horrible self doubting voice in my head louder by the minute. Two nights ago it told me that my girlfriend wasn’t that into me while we were having sex. That voice really picks the worst times to be an asshole.

    I’ve come up with a few possible solutions to make that fucking voice shut up:
    * make some friends
    * start working
    * double down on my meds
    * get a sunlight lamp

  7. It’s snowing which means flashbacks which means aggressively singing songs from Frozen to calm myself down/ground myself.
    On the plus side work this morning involved watching one of my fellow interns dance around in a camel costume (and I stole a camel-shaped stress toy because it was too cute)
    This week has involved a lot of camels and I’m not quite sure why, but I’m also not complaining.

  8. pigs playing soccer! pizza flavored combos! my faaaaaaavorite!

    hi beauties and self-identified buttheads,

    I just wrote this! I am proud of it! http://www.seattlefeministtherapy.com/2016/02/05/lesbian-bed-death-is-not-compulsory/

    Otherwise, shit is fine- like I’ve been talking about, we put the doggie down last Friday, and that has been sad, but getting easier. I had a million clients this week, girlfriend is very busy and stressed out from work, we are powering through season 4 of Parenthood which took awhile to grow on me, and has become endearing though I’m like HURRY UP AND BE GAY HATTIE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME.

    I’m having a similar experience reading this book the teahouse fire, which has super mixed reviews but apparently a happy ending- it’s written by this person Ellis Avery, who previously I read this one called the last nude, and is about tamara de lempicka and fascism, and it is interesting and sexy and complicated, and this is really different, it’s about essentially the British invasion/colonization of Japan and cultural tension there, and lots about tea ceremony, and like, a couple of lesbian flares on the horizon. It’s not bad, just super slow, and I’m like, okay, is the equation here another 250 pages for another sex scene, I can wait. But it’s slow going.

    Otherwise, am knitting with some really beautiful yarn, and about to leave for the dentist. I was supposed to get up for a 6:15 yoga class and but didn’t sleep well last night and was like “today my adulting extends as far as dentist appointment but not as far as dentist + 6am yoga, nope, not today.”

    happy weekend, straddlers!

  9. A phone call beat my alarm to the punch this morning. Another application and interview produced no notable results. I’m not really bummed too much, though. I nailed that interview, and the three principals were a delight to talk with and walk through my work. Onto the next opportunity, I say! Every door shut means another opened further down the line.

    I also finished my “screenplay outline” over the weekend, which feels uh-mazing! Since I like printed media, I ran off the 40+ pages and started editing them. Using a cliched red pen, too. The difference between the beginning and end of the screenplay is staggering when reviewed. About halfway through, the actions get far more focused and concise–better flow and reading experience necessary for a decent screenplay. I really want to push forward and start writing the full narrative, but I know I need to relax, breathe, and edit more. And keep drinking coffee. (If you’re in NorCal, I’m drinking Tender Loving’s Guatemalan light roast, and it’s brilliant. Cuppa courtesy of my years-old, faithful Bonavita automated pour-over machine.)

    More urgently on my mind has been mental gymnastics and introspection concerning my inner-transphobia. It’s never directed at other trans people, just me. It’s super-obvious when I open the Her app, see a girl or two who I’d like to chat up/hang out/etcetera. My subconscious roils with self-contempt and my confidence drains out of a transphobia-sized hole in my soul. I feel less than, or not good enough, for other LGBT ladies. And it’s such bullshit! I want to crush these false arrows stuck in my mind and body, but I feel like it’s going to be a continuous process. Fighting off each arrow as I get to it. Starting to treat myself with the same love and respect that I have for my fellow trans sisters.

  10. It’s carnival next week in Spain, so the kids have been doing dance routines at school and my students insisted on giving me and my Director of Studies a dance performance, dressed in their carnival costumes. The group included two Charlie Chaplins, a Supergirl, a Super Mario, a very tall flourescent pig, and moral support from a girl in pyjamas. There was twerking. It was unexpected.

  11. Mmmmm, combos.

    I’ve been interviewing for jobs, too. So far, so good. And now that it’s warming up (hey, its all relative – 50 Fahrenheit is cold for Florida) I’m trying to get out and get some vitamin D into my eyeballs. I may even do some writing outside, so that I stay productive.

    Yay, progress!

  12. I broke up with the best girl this week (super-long-distance sucks, especially when you’re grad school broke and only kinda sorta out). It hurts, a lot. Next time I will post about something cheery, like my sweet three-legged house bunny dream-eating, or the daffodils that were secretly growing in the compost with nobody noticing, but today I could do with some Friday Open Thread love.

  13. This isn’t especially happy, but I learned that my 16-year-old cat has stage three kidney disease and feline pancreatitis and it’s kept everything in me to keep it together this week.

    I’ve had him since I was 7. He’s been slowing down a lot recently and it’s been hard to deal with. The vet didn’t give me many options other than “make sure he’s comfortable”, so that was rough.

    If anyone has any tips on helping aging cats, they would be much appreciated.

  14. It’s been a week and I am so very glad that it’s Friday. I, too, am having problems with my phone alarm. The initial alarm goes off, but sometimes when I press snooze it never goes off again. Then I check my phone at 7:05 and it says “Alarm snoozed. Now set for 6:55” and I don’t get why it didn’t go off 10 minutes ago! The simple answer seems to be “get up the first time and don’t snooze your alarm”, but the snooze feature is useful for giving myself 10 minutes to collect myself before having to get out of bed, and it works for me personally, so my phone should function like it’s supposed to!!! My basic phone never had these issues. Glah. Also my mom did call me at work this week, which kind of freaked me out and made me think there was some emergency at home but she had just forgotten we are in different time zones. I am all for eating pizza-flavored combos with you. I actually only eat them on road trips.

    • Hmm maybe you should test the snooze feature during an awake-time. I know I would never be able to clearly judge whether the problem lay with the phone or myself, while in the “snooze fog” in which I so often found myself. It does seem like non-smart phones had a better handle on some of those basic features.

      • Yeah, I’ve tried that. And sometimes the snooze button does work! But other times it doesn’t. My phone tells me the next time the alarm is set to go off for. So the weird part is that it will say “Alarm snoozed. Set for 6:55”, meaning that it was originally set for 6:45, I hit snooze, and then it reset itself for 6:55, didn’t go off, and still thinks it’s set to go off at 6:55. What I haven’t tried is letting it go for 24 hours and seeing if it goes off the next time 6:55 comes around. 😛

        • Bizarre. I’m sure you’ve thought of just setting two alarms to begin with–but it’s the principle of the thing, right? Things should do what they are meant to do! A miniature computer should surely be able to accomplish a task ye olde clock radio has been handling for decades.

    • i actually turned off the snooze feature this week in hopes it would lead to me being like “welp this is it it’s do or die, i either wake up or oversleep” but SURPRISE! morning carmen doesn’t give a fuck about do or die or waking up on time, she just turns that shit off and goes back to bed and wakes up late like a fool. the snooze buttons of my past have absolutely destroyed my life, is what i am saying.

  15. I’m currently sitting in my thesis carrel furiously typing this comment so everyone around me thinks I am working on my thesis. But no. I am writing to all of you lovely people! There are so many studious folks working on a Friday afternoon! Why??

    I am on the job hunt and it is some scary shit, friends. I fear rejection! All that fear makes writing cover letters hella difficult. As does the realization that I have no clue what I want to do post-college. If anyone would like to hire me my skills include writing funny Instagram captions and retweeting Heather Hogan on Twitter.

    Last night a bunch of us from the campus LGBTQ support group went to the ~gay club~ and we brought so many baby queers! There are few things more magical than watching some newly out folks experience their first drag show.

  16. Oh dear you got me on the sleeping-in thing…As in I may or may not be writing this from my bed when I was supposed to be fulfilling obligations hours ago. Whoops. My sleep has been all messed up this week. Staying up late, falling asleep late, getting up late. Normally I have no problem falling asleep at literally any time, so I think I really must have broken some mechanism of my internal clock early in the week. Some things I have stayed up doing this week: seeing Rhea and Cameron in Philly then watching a netflix double feature, working an overnight shift, reading The Paying Guests, watching Star Wars, and driving an hour each way for a milkshake. So I guess that’s my problem figured out. Any of that sound familiar??

    In other news, I’ve been waiting to hear back from my interview last week. I’m applying a few other places today.

    Thanks for the pig picture and I’m glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself! I hope everyone’s weekend is relaxing and/or productive, if you too are working.

  17. I’ve spent the week just looking at my life with an imaginary massive cartoon magnifying class to see what I actually want. This has resulted in an application for a fun sounding internship this summer though, so fingers crossed. Archiving / organising things is my jam, and this is archiving and digitising a museum collection like ten minutes from my flat, so.
    Also I got the most ridiculously short haircut I’ve ever gotten and I bloody love it, though the majority of my mates fondly replied to me posting a pic with ‘gaaaay’. My big sister replied with lil’ homo, I think.
    I helped host an opening event in uni with the rest of my musical theatre people? We got new members and didn’t scare them off, so that’s something.

    Pub funtimes were had by all afterwards. Then gin and Buffy drinking games over the weekend – it’s been a /long/ week.

  18. I got into college this week! So I guess this fall my gal pal and I are gonna be moving to a really tiny town in Northern Ontario and I’m TOTALLY NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE FINANCIAL ASPECTS OF ALL THIS, NOPE, NOT AT ALL. As someone who has only ever lived exclusively in places I never paid a dime for, this should be interesting. But I’m going to get to spend a year grooming dogs and cats so that’s okay.

    Also: my pet snail got stuck in my Betta fish’s plants and I had to reach in with my ACTUAL HANDS and UN-STICK THEM. WITH MY HANDS. It was an experience.

    And that’s it that’s my whole week. Well, that, and playing an embarrassing amount of minecraft.

  19. Someone didn’t pick up their birthday cake so there is dark blue happy birthday cake in the break room

    I’m on lunch right now and I’d be eating my way to smurf mouth as I type this but it ain’t vegan, so salad it is

    But I almost had to work a 12 hour shift with no second food break the other day when our closer called out and every other person in my department couldn’t work but then the Big Boss Lady scared him into coming in and I ate a quarter lb of potato wedges because I was SO HUNGRY and then cried while walking home out of sheer relief so I probably don’t need to eat cake right now

    I’m moving to Portland by the end of Feb for at least a month but I’m gonna ask if I can crash with dog sitting famjam for another month after that so I can save on air fare because I AM GOING TO A CAMP AND I AM SO EXCITED. SO EXCITED.

    But I won’t have a job in Portland?? My savings is for moving to Burlington post camp

    EVERYTHING IS IN FLUX AND IT’S VERY STRESSFUL I need to pack

    • (home is VA so if I leave Portland in April it’ll add a third cross country flight to my summer and I’m not about that life) (but dog owner travels for work and flies cross country basically once or twice a week?? So I don’t think she sympathizes)

      • And also even tho I’m psyched about Burlington because it’s cold and basically in Canada and is closeish to my Crack Dream City (Montréal) I’m also considering Giving into inertia and just

        Moving to Portland

        If I do that my parents would have to put my parrot on a plane that is SCARY

    • i actually think you really do need some vegan cake right now because i think you seriously need some treat yo self time! so. that’s my two cents. also SEE YOU ON THE MOUNTAIN hopefully wheeee

      • LATE REPLY: did not get cake, did get myself a cookie / finally used the giftcard to a local coffee place I got for my birthday (in OCTOBER) so I’m all filled with almond milk latte, YAY

        Am writing an essay about how I changed my name and how it was like this tiny thing that made me feel hugely better about a LOT OF THINGS, and suddenly I could relax about how to be myself / what the fuck is up with my gender / just EXIST. So that’s cool. I hope I actually finish it. I usually don’t finish things.

        Maybe posting about it in a public forum will mean that I finish it??

        ANYWAY, YES, HOPE TO AT THE VERY LEAST SEE YOU FROM AFAR ON THE MOUNTAIN

    • Ahhh Burlington is so great and is like, the one of the only cities (well “city”) that I’ve been like “yes this is a place I could live” (I am not a fan of cities) and it’s super pretty and has the best view of the Adirondacks of any place ever. So congratulations on getting/planning to move somewhere awesome!

  20. Stuck in bed with the flu all week. The only highlights are I desperately need the rest and I have plenty of time to catch up on my reading in between fits of coughing. Also, my crush has been sending me amazing pics of her modeling to lift my spirits, which I can’t share on here, because copyright. But she looks like a badass modern day Clara Bow, only with more grit. Unf.

  21. Carmen I’m so glad you’re driving the PCH because it sounds so wonderful and I hope you enjoy it. Would def not complain if you even shared pictures. You’re living my PCH dream! I’m picturing Eli as also enjoying these beachy road trips.

    In other news, after eight years (!!! WHUT), today I finally got permission from my thesis committee to sit for my defense. I must be made of diamonds at this point because I feel like I’ve been under intense heat and pressure for millennia.

    • yessss i am so glad i did it, too! you know how sometimes you feel drawn to something but you don’t know why and so it makes you feel kinda crazy and you’re like “shut up, self” – well. driving the pch for no reason was one of those things. actually, driving anywhere is one of those things. since my trip i’ve been so overwhelmed with the urge to “just drive” and it’s alien to me because i, well, just LEARNED how to drive, and also because back in dc or whatever i don’t feel like that was my urge only i guess it was, if i look hard enough. but still! i did it anyway. and it was so healing and amazing. and when my friend visits from dc next weekend we are driving it all the way to san fran together, which is like: YES! i’m so excited. i promise that when THAT time comes, there will be photos of eli in his car seat.

  22. Driving the PCH sounds fantastic! So does sleeping in. I’m a night owl by nature, but I work a shift that requires a 4:30 wake up time. I am really neurotic about sleeping through my alarms. I used to set multiple ones but I’ve gotten down to 2, and i haven’t ever slept through both. I’m not actually a very heavy sleeper- I just have a slightly overblown fear of being late!

    Yay for self-care and voracious reading! I just finished Girl in the Woods not too long ago. kinda similar to Cheryl Strayed’s Wild. Have you read it? I think I remember you were interested in women’s travel memoirs.

    Overall my week has been pretty rad. On Sunday I went geocaching and hiking with another straddler. It was rainy but beautiful (photos below).

    And on Monday I registered for a-camp! I’m so excited!

    My experience at sleepaway camp as a kid was mostly ultra-conservative church camps. I mean, I enjoyed them at the time, but looking back, it seems like an entirely foreign universe. Notable camp memories include: getting a group of friends lost on a hike, winning an award for my “Veggie Tales” singing performance, getting my first period (though I was too embarrassed to tell anybody or ask for any tampons or pads), and giving my brother chicken pox.

    And then later in my teens, I saved up for summer ski camp, which was really fun! But I didn’t really fit in with most of the kids there. It was very clique-y, but I was happy just being in the outdoors, even if I didn’t make many friends.

    Back in my church-y years, I never would’ve guessed that I’d be going to a-camp in my 20’s. As I said –foreign universe. And I’m so excited! And nervous because I won’t know anyone, but from what I’ve heard, it seems like the most welcoming and awesome group of people! And all the autostraddle members I’ve met in real life have been incredibly welcoming and awesome humans!

    Aaaahh! How do you ever choose what activities and events to do? Is it possible to do all of them? When will we know the program? Is it overwhelming being surrounded by so many people? Is everyone just as awesome in real life as they seem online? What if I don’t fit in? (I know I know, everyone has this worry. But I feel so naïve and clueless?) How much should I bring and should I pay extra for a carry-on bag? But I’m nervous in a happy way. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve!

    Anyway, here are photos of last Sunday:

  23. I registered for my 5th (!!!) A-Camp, which I never expected when a friend from Bad Feelings Camp was like “Try this out with me, it sounds fun!”

    H and I are Facebook Official, which is a weirdly nice thing to be. I also appreciate how she is ok with me talking about her to my friends, doing nice things for her, and making tentative plans for the nearish future.

    I decided that in 2016 I want to get Qoya teacher certified (won’t happen in time for Camp, sadly) and learn to play the drums. I AM, however, going to the Qoya book release party which is a two hour class of dancing my feelings and comes with the book. 😀

  24. If anyone feels like telling me a funny fact/story I’m definitely not against it.

    I’ve been in driver’s ed all week and some of last week and it ends this coming week (just in time for me to get back into therapy/art therapy which I’m pretty excited about!) and it’s been really interesting cause my teacher is really well spoken and seems to be a cool guy and is about teaching us the way of getting things done, but giving us as many real life lessons as possible which is something I always appreciate.

    I’ve been on and off depression wise cause I had a really big bout of it when we were snowed in for like ten days, but I also had a whole lot of energy which led to me applying for things/sending in things/buying things a whole lot which is worrisome to like my therapist but I’m also like at least I got things done? so. But there’s also been a spell of like hallucinations which isn’t terribly unusual for me but is something I have to look into so blugh.

    Good things! I’m an advisor for Winter Tangerine Review’s flash workshop in March,

    IF YOU’RE A WRITER OF COLOR PLEASE COME WRITE WITH US WE’D LOVE TO HAVE YOU

    but I’m also super anxious cause these people are smart as shit and I’m trying to figure out how to be inclusive and also stay in my lane, it makes me anxious that I could hurt people/not fix that hurt enough. I recognize that it’s not something that is like 100% doable and I still need to work on it, but yeah. But also I need to work on self care cause this kind of work, like trying to look at truth without flinching and trying to convince people you’re stronger than you really are, is really exhausting. So there was some crying Wednesday, but after taking a break, I feel a lot better! And I read this article on Rookie about faking it til you make it, so that’s gonna be my mantra for a bit.

    I applied for online classes cause I really need my degree tbh, and it’s been okay so far. I haven’t started classes, but like it’s down the street from me and knowing that there’s like a physical building and stuff calms a lot of my anxiety about it. And my counselor’s been really helpful and it’s only been two days so good good I think.

    Also, one of my friends is letting me come to her whenever I have questions/fears/anxieties about social work and stuff and it really helps to know there’s someone I can go to. Yayy community!

    And, my grandma’s real sick, yeah? And I feel terrible not doing enough for her, but I had some idea to make sure I go to her college for school (hopefully my Master’s) and to keep writing. Those are two things she really wanted me to do/never give up on and after a couple of weeks ago when I was real down/wanted to give up on everything, this really helped me. Like, I’ve gotten tons of rejections recently, and usually that shuts me down, but this has been helping me keep my nose to the ground and keep working and it really makes me feel a lot better.

    My friends surprised me after work!

    I got books!

    I caught all my trains and buses!

    People have shared such lovely words/thoughts/vibes with me all week!

    I also made the most perfect brownie in a mug in the existence of all things and really it doesn’t get much better than that.

    Carmen, maybe your alarm isn’t working cause the media volume is way down? I have a droid, and I have two different volumes, one for my ringer and one for my media stuff. And my alarm clock falls under media, and so if that’s turned way down, my alarm won’t work. Hope you get that figured out soon!

    Hope you’re all doing well and have a great weekend! Sending love if you need/want it! <3

  25. San Diego native who tried living in San Fran for a month and a half and hated it…..so I moved back. Fortunate enough to get my job and apartment back, made a savings goal plan for my next move (Dec, ’16), and love being with my cat.

    I was really looking forward to completely coming out (instead of just bi with a history of girlfriends) though, making new friends, and finally finding that special girl, but now it feels like I’ve stuffed myself in a box again with my same routines.

    I was thinking of taking a trip to Portland in spring/summer to see how I like it….best friend and I were thinking of moving there. Also looking at Las Vegas since I currently work at a casino & my favorite slot manufacturers are out there.

    I finish my Bachelor’s in August and just want to start my life!

  26. I just quit my job in the nonprofit-postindustrial complex, which paid me nothing but occasional good karma, to segue to another working class position which will pay relatively nicely yet involve less hugs from rickety old ladies. It also might get me out of the relatively safer yet abjectly “sacrifice zone” rural town I live in. I am nervous about all this because I believe I neither deserve money nor am constitutionally able to hack living outside the consummate small fish bowl I’ve created.

    I am worried about a visible trans woman who started coming in as a client to my former workplace. I spent the last two months fighting for her and her partner recieving equal treatment, yet doing a peculiar, frustrating, enraging dance: I am stealth in my town. So supporting her involved pretty sad calculations about how blatantly I could do so and yet survive. But I did, making a point to sit with them at lunch though no one else would, and making it explicit to management that I would go full bore lefty protest on the institution if certain actions were taken. Now I am not working there. And I worry what is going to come of her. She lives in a tent, in winter. And small town America can be a brutal place if you have no privilege-negotiated niche. She has more guts than I do, that is certain.

    And I wonder about the old ladies with their health woes, and if I can survive without hugs from them. From anyone, really.

    And I feel guilty because I feel so bloody glad to be out of there.

    An odd mix of colours.

    • thank you so much for sharing. you did what you could and you gotta take care of yourself and that’s okay, and it also sounds like you’re a strong support system for people who need it most and that’s badass. you deserve everything, i promise.

      • Thanks and thanks for having. It feels good to let it go, hah.

        Well, I did what I could there. The way seniors are neglected in this country is a scandal. As more queer and trans folk age up… I don’t know what is going to happen.

        I wish more younger people got involved with volunteering for elder services… More hands would make the work lighter. Trust me, kids, there is an old lady out there just waiting to be your grandma, listen to your stories, bake you cookies.

  27. I am not sure about pizza flavor combos, but how about Pizza and then I drive around showing my favorite roads overlooking PCH. It may take 3 hours+(mostly cause of the views) so bring lots of water(flowers will be provided).

    How’s everyone’s week going? Mines is pretty much the same old, work, heated discussions, and lack of tacos and queers(well ones that aren’t dudes that I’m not fond of) in my daily life. Such is the life I live as a trans queer.
    Last Sunday there was suppose to be a hike, but that got rained out. I have relatives coming over tonight, so that be nice. Not sure my Sunday plans are, though I just maybe a hermit(situational reasons) and stay in.

    I saw the Simpsons quote/image generator in the Friday Also roundup and found this gem.

    As for images I took myself. I found a bunch of cats recently.

    Thank you for reading & viewing my post, have a positive weekend!

    • i totally was gonna maybe go to the hike, but the rain and my lack of any form of athletic spirit / experience deterred me. i totally wanna start going to the la meet-ups, though!

      alsooooo, i am down with pizza and the pch overlooks. it sounds PERFECT.

      • I love PCH, but there are these back roads that sometimes make me forget I came to go hiking. Weird farms, miles and miles of empty & twisty roads with a view. It’s intoxicating. Maybe the next hike it won’t be raining and there will be pizza.

  28. Is anyone else at their significant other/partner/beloved/gf/boo/ wifey’s family’s house for a Super Bowl related thing this weekend? THATS ME! I’m here for the snacks and the commercials, and reading AS on my phone.

  29. I have also overslept this week, including the day I TOLD myself not to oversleep because I was supposed to give blood. I’ve learned that having early classes sucks for me because who wants to be up at 6 am WHEN ITS DARK but having late classes means i’m going to sleep until the literal last moment that I can and then probably some more after that. My mornings have become useless and rushed. but I am so well rested. i also spent a lot of this week crying while reading “juliet takes a breath” and crying about the fact that i have senioritis and just want to sit in the sun but have to take classes and then my period started so all of the crying made a lot more sense. tomorrow i get to go to knoxville and perform at ICCA and as i’m typing this i’m remembering that I’ve lost the outfit i’d planned to wear for that performance. so now i need to go find that. or something else. and pack! wow. what a friday!

  30. Fist time participating in an open thread.I’ll start with the awesome stuff. I saw Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher with my sister, bought an awesome vest, I’m seeing my three best friends tomorrow and I’ve found a pizza place near me that does vegan and gluten free so I can eat there without horrible consequences(I have food allergies); so this week has been pretty nice.
    now the not so great stuff I’m dealing with.
    I’m a comedian who’s taking a break from performing while I debate coming out publicly as a trans woman or not. all of my close friends know but there are a lot of people who know me and don’t and I’ve never come out to an audience before so it’s been a struggle. originally I planned to never talk about it but it’s getting hart to hide this part of my self.
    I’ve also ended a friendship recently and that’s been rough.
    oh I also adopted a new dog which is all kinds of awesome and I probably should have lead with that.
    well this is me. How is everyone else doing?

  31. It’s just after 8am in Saturday morning where I am. I’m all frocked up and on my way to work. This year I have agreed to work every Saturday morning (during school term time). So I’m eating a tub of delicious yogurt and pumping myself up for a busy morning. I’m basically getting paid to play with 5-7 year old little girls. Which now I read back and that sounds creepy AF. I work for a children’s choir!

    In other news after much weird January weather, it’s finally sunny and this weekend is going to be beautiful, perfect summer weather. I foresee gelato in my future.

    Otherwise I’m bemoaning my stupid uni timetable. And dreading going back to said uni, only three study free weeks left.

  32. I’m glad I’m not the only one with rough times job hunting.

    Just started counseling for depression again, in a new city, with a new counselor. There are still some strong conservative areas here in Grand Rapids, so I was super relieved to find a strong ally on my first go.

    With the new city comes the hunt for friends, which is very tough when you don’t have discretionary funds or outside reasons to interact with people.
    I’m checking out the tips from you lovely folk on Kate’s article “I’m an adult and I have no idea how to make friends”. It’s tough.

    • i feel this! i am trying to make new friends here in los angeles but so many times it’s about, like, going to brunch, or doing xyz at some restaurant, or seeing a show, and like, i like those things! but i’m trying not to spend all of my money, either. i think we’ll find good balances soon!

    • Might not be your thing, but I found joining a team sport a good way to exercise and socialise over a specific task, so I didn’t feel the socialising pressure. It was like a double whammy for my depression every time. I find team sports are more into making friends than exercise classes or the gym, where everyone just tends to do their own thing. Ahh I miss my team.

    • I hear that about new jobs and new towns. Keep your eyes to the skies.

      Parks are still free, I think? Try doing some art in a park, little crafts you can hand out. Adults have a harder time making friends. But nobody doesn’t like getting little handicraft presents. And if that fails, at least in a park, therapeutic sunlight can do its work.

    • I’m with you on the job hunting grief and trouble making friends, Sam. When I moved back home after graduating, best I could do to start making new friends was find a local, proper cafe and frequent it. You start to see familiar faces, and people get to know you.

      Also, couldn’t hurt to connect with Grand Rapids’ LGBT community and go to some events! Or volunteer!

  33. I’ve been oversleeping a bit this week too. Usually what helps is for me to set multiple alarms and hide them all over my room – nothing like running around trying to find the last one to get you out of bed! I also live with roommates, so the pressure of turning off my alarms before I wake them up is usually enough to get me out of bed.

    I need to do a better job at self-care — I’m on day 13 of a 17-day long go-to-work-everyday-without-a-break stretch and I’m REALLY feeling it. It’s left me without a lot of energy to look for a new job, which is something I need to start doing.

    But, in good news, I’m re-watching the Office too and it’s a great way to relax and unwind. I’m also really enjoying the new season of Portlandia. Tonight I’m going to hope my roommates stay out late (they usually do), order pizza, and binge-watch some TV.

  34. I’ve been having trouble with oversleeping this week too. What usually works for me is to have my alarm put on the other side of my bedroom, so I have to get out of bed to turn it off. That way I don’t accidentally turn it off in the middle of the night. Also, if I don’t get it, my roommates will come angrily bang on my door for waking them up, so it helps.

    I need to do a better job at self-car: I’m on day 13 of 17 work days in a row, and it’s really wearing on me. This hasn’t given me much time to look for another job (hi other Straddlers on the job hunt!) which is frustrating. But, I am rewatching the Office and it’s lovely. I’ve also been enjoying the new season of Portlandia, which I’m about to go watch.

  35. A mix of things/feelings/thoughts this week.

    – I registered for A-camp and I’m so freaking excited!

    I would really just enjoy talking about a-camp all the time and making everyone jealous about all the fun I’m going to have and how I’ll be surrounded by fabulous and gorgeous queer women, but I can’t (at least not at home). I’m literally out to everyone except my dad (kinda not long story, but will tell if interested) because he’s so damn homophobic.

    You’d think that being out for almost 10 years to close family and friends, never talking about guys, never bringing one home, (I don’t even have any guy friends lol) he’d have some kind of inkling, but nope…well maybe he’s in denial? I don’t know.

    I’m just super glad to have support from my friends at work. I feel like they’re more excited than I am! It’s precious, really.

    – I’ve been having so many thoughts about traveling and learning different languages and cultures. Can someone just give me an unlimited amount of money? I promise I’ll put it to good use 🙂

    – I’ve also had thoughts about dating and I. Am. Terrified. I haven’t been in a relationship in quite a while, (what? you’re 23! what do you mean a while?! ha!) I’ve only ever been in a LDR and that was when I was 16-18. So yes..definitely a while. Like how do you ask them on a date? How do you flirt? What do you do? Just…hoooow??? Please help!

    – I’m celebrating my 24th birthday on the 18th! No idea what I’ll wear or what I’ll do, but I do know that I want an oreo ice-cream cake. Mmmmmm.

    • OMG it’s amazing to hear from someone in a similar situation to me! I’m 24 and have only had one LTR that developed spontaneously and have been contentedly by myself otherwise. I just have NO FREAKING IDEA how to date or pick up and what the social conventions are around that and it feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t just *know* and it’s an impossible enigma. There’s no one I can really talk to about it so I guess I’ll just have to give it a try and if I make a faux pas so bad I want to crawl into the earth and never come out I’ll just come have a vent to the good folk of Autostraddle and wait for it to fade.

      Congrats on A-Camp! Woohoo! It’s gonna be the bees knees!

      I also want to win the lottery and travel and learn languages, but failing that I’m using sites like workaway.info where you volunteer in exchange for bed and board, which cuts down on costs, which allows you to stay longer on a shoestring and thus pick up the language and culture over time. Gotta be careful about legality and safety though.

  36. You guys, I’m on my way home from watching the newest The 100 ep with friends and I’m still in a state of shock!
    I literally wondered whether I had fallen asleep in front of the TV and was dreaming a twisted fanfiction dream.

    • No milady it were real, for I could hear hearts of Bellarkees shattering into a million pieces. The sound of ultimate suffering the sound my own queer heart has made made many a time before.

      • And yet, last night the agony of a thousand dying suns in our hearts was transformed into naught but a sweet and urgent ache.
        The organ in my chest hiccuped and stumbled, faced with so alien an emotion.

        • It’s similar singing style or “method” but with just a soloist like the beginning of the Xena song which is kinda styled after the chorus verions of the Bulgarian folk song Kaval sviri.

          I lack the vocabulary to explain what I mean by method. It’s a thing I can demonstrate in person though, which is useless on the internet. It’s a way of throwing your voice around but it’s like your diaphragm is the spring loaded thing that propels the pinball and you channel it with the way you resonate that oomph in your chest or head. Like your mouth becomes a wind instrument…does that make sense?

          I really want to know if that was indeed Trigedasleng or just random stresses on vowels ect and a copy of that song to listen to at my leisure.

        • I GOT MY WANT SATED!

          From the Rothenberg’s twitter the song is titled Take A Life With Me. I’M pretty sure it’s in Trigedasleng.

          It’s only been like 2 days since the episode aired and now there’s a Trigedasleng over English lyrics video.
          I’m getting some potential romantic vibes from the lyrics.

          “And will you take
          A life with me?”

          “We live as one”

          But that only seems romantic if you take the kill-ie-ness out of it but then some us love the shit outta of a Battle Couple that will fight to the bitter bloody end together as one.
          Still “We live as one” and the fact they committed to one another in that episode much wedding. Very union.

          • I read the text on twitter last night and was like, “O_O”.
            That was surprisingly romantic!
            Only adding to the very wedding feel of the entire thing!
            Actually, all of it was like:”Official grounder wedding to unite the clans,
            with a private exchange of vows afterwards.”
            The whole “Your people are my people.” thing even, is pretty verbatim from the book of Ruth, too, and regularly exchanged at weddings, isn’t it?
            It’s definitely mentioned in Fried Green Tomatoes.
            So, in my head, we even get at least two old school lesbian TV/Movie nods on top of everything else in this episode.
            That said, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the way Clarke knelt like a noble knight receiving an honor, with perfect posture throughout the entire ceremony, while Lexa went down on both knees, like a girl just asking another girl to forgive her.
            I have never thought about kneeling this much before, but those were such powerful gestures!
            Very well done, show.

  37. Carmen, there is something about you when you host FOT which is just like turning up to a party where you don’t know anyone too well, and all of a sudden here comes someone with a gorgeous smile offering you a drink, and saying “glad you could be here!”. So – thank you.

    This week has been about trying to squeeze time to get my burlesque costume underway. I’ve been working with wires and wire-cutters and feeling crafty, and eager to get to the fabric part.

    Also, I am still deep into Daniel Deronda by George Eliot, and let me tell you, I would have been sending ardent unaware love-letters to her, if I had been around then.

    I’m also delighted delighted delighted that Melanie Mark, has been elected here – the first Aboriginal woman elected to the BC legislature!

  38. I had the same issue with my phone – kept sleeping through the alarm. Then when I started dating my girlfriend she told me that I was hitting the snooze – I told her that I figured as much, but I liked pretending it was the phone’s fault. Here’s to your situation really being the phone’s fault! 🙂

    So before I spill about this weekend, I have to talk about something I can’t stop THINKING about! Last weekend my girlfriend hurt her back, and so she spent the weekend on the couch. In an effort to keep her from dying of boredom (I think a weekend on the couch sounds amazing, she can’t sit still for 2 minutes), we planned our next trip – PERU! I’m so excited. Has anyone been? We spent the day planning where we were going to stay, things we wanted to see, transportation, etc. We love to plan so it was a blast. Now it’s all I’m thinking about. I can’t wait to go!

    Going to see Pride, Prejudice and Zombies tonight – I haven’t read the book, but I love P&P, and Zombies fascinate me – I feel like I could like it? Maybe?

    Tomorrow I’m going wedding dress shopping with one of my best friends, and then continuing to arrange music for the queer adult marching band I’m in – yes, it’s a thing and I love it. 🙂

    Sunday is dodgeball league and impromptu Super Bowl party at our house! Gonna be a great weekend!

    Happy Friday everyone!

    • Peru?
      I went to a friend’s wedding in an old castle in the country last year.
      Her husband is Peruvian and half the guests were.
      Anyways, we were dancing in our fancy clothes after the wedding and the food and all of that, until, all of a sudden, the music changed to a remixed samba thing and the Peruvians unleashed an array of carnival masks, hats, crowns, little flags, streamers, whistles, you name it, upon the crowd, a guy in a Guinea Pig mascot costume started break dancing and everyone got pulled onto the dance floor for an impromptu, crazy Peruvian carnival that lasted until after the sun came up.
      That’s all I’ve got for you, the fact that a dancing guy in a guinea pig costume is a prerequisite at Peruvian weddings.
      Your trip should be fun:-)

  39. I did my taxes!

    Also, I’ve been buying all the refundable parts of a trip I’ve been planning on taking during the summer but I’m getting super burned out with all the expenses piling up. Like, I’ve been making more money and feeling way more secure but stuff like this reminds me I really don’t have THAT much and it’s kind of a bummer. But also, every time I think of buying the non refundable stuff like tickets and airfare I think WHAT IF I GET MOVED FROM THE WAITLIST FOR CAMP and then I get stressed out because I’m not 100% sure that my introverted self would get as much out of A-Camp as I dearly hope I would and then I’m scared that I’ll decide on this one vacation and end up regretting not doing camp because I didn’t have enough money. Ahh!

    On an unrelated note, I came out at work in a way that was as easy and organic as I could have hoped and I’ve felt like my coworkers are closer with me after coming out than in the previous 6 months of working there, so that’s cool! Also because it’s such a small group I only had to come out to like 2 people in the moment and then from there it’s been spreading through the ranks which is what I was hoping for because I HATE having coming out conversations.

  40. Oh and as far as the alarm thing goes, I recommend getting a $5 alarm clock from target or walmart or wherever (my single battery operated clock has been going on the same battery for like 3 years) and putting it far away from your bed.

    Mostly this is because if your phone is anything like mine, there’s a snooze button and a DISMISS button right next to each other and when an alarm is shocking me awake I do not know how to read english and half the time I turn my alarms off and going straight back to sleep. The dedicated alarm clock has a snooze button and an on/off switch that you actually have to physically move so you don’t accidentally turn it off when you’re trying to snooze.

    OR get one of those alarm apps where you have to solve a math equation or do a puzzle before snoozing, that way you have to actually muster enough brain energy to wake yourself up that little bit that you need to make rational decisions.

  41. I oversleep so often that at this point it has just become part of my morning routine.
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    This morning, however, I woke up to a call from my emergency snow list buddy saying work was closed due to a storm. Yay for snow days (& going back to bed sans alarm)!!!

  42. As long as I can bring some Zapp’s Voodoo and Spicy Cajun Crawtators because pizza Combos just aren’t enough. Plus I have this sadistic need to watch an innocent eat a crawtator for the first time.

    What’s been going on with is not much really. I’ve sad-angry about the mistreatment of the Times Picayune for a good long time since the assholes who own it announced their business plans for it, but it simmered down into resentment until this week where my heart got broken. The moving of the printing to out of state was an aggravating black eye, but the firing Marcelle Bienvenu and discontinuing of her column Cooking Creole no just no no. My heart couldn’t take it. I had to eat breakfast and cry/try not to cry at the same time.
    I don’t know if it’s the fact the Wednesday paper’s Living section is where I found my backbone for cooking or how the getting rid of “Cooking Creole” in favour of a dietitian’s column feels like the first real death knell of something that’s been a part of my life since grade school and the attempts of powerful outsiders to strip culture away from us. Live to eat, none of this eat live shit is ours.

    Other than that I’m taking Spanish as a language credit and bits of spanish are sneaking into my every day lexicon again which makes me feel awkward cause useless self-indulgent white guilt reasons. I worked hard to keep the “qu锑s and the “ay no” and the even more awkward “diosa” from coming outta my mouth, but all that gets undone by Elementary Spanish in like…5 classes.

    Currently addicted to these two wildly different songs:

    Crazy by 4Minute

    which is awkward for a ton of reasons

    The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance

    which is something one could expect of me and not awkward at all

    Oh and I heard a song in Ladino this week, Nani Nani the 2nd saddest lullaby I’ve ever heard. Though the 1st saddest lullaby I’ve heard is more on the side of fucking disturbing than sad to be honest.

    Nani Nani performed by Hadass Pal-Yarden

    • Why do you mind Spanish infiltrating your day to day?
      I think it’s great if languages start to merge a little bit,it’s a sign of cultures growing closer together.
      And honestly, English really doesn’t lend itself too well to exclamations.
      Spanish has this staccato rhythm to it, the pronounced emphasis on vowels, that English simply doesn’t.

      • Mostly it’s a stupid useless white guilt thing. I feel like speaking a language that is not mine culturally or familially but belongs to large diverse and othered group is an act of theft because I’m a member of the majority group.
        Secondly it’s an odd complexity that could also be filed as guilt (just not white guilt) that french is completely foreign to me, but spanish is not. Which is a product of having spent my elementary school years hearing spanish the way my mother heard cajun and sicilian growing up. There are possibly as many if not more Hondurans in Louisiana than in Honduras.
        I can sing the cajun french version of Amazing Grace, but as far as speaking goes it’s 2 greetings, let the good times roll and a word I dearly love that means dumbass. I can spell more words and recognise meaning than I probably realise, but if I say them and especially if the word contains an ‘r’ it’s comes out spanish sounding. Just can’t wrap my tongue around a language I barely ever heard.

        Other than it’s paltry whininess of being mistaken for something ‘fascinating’ like those Victoria Secret models that look just like white people and laying down knowledge that confounds people raised in America’s nutty racial binaries because my inner Hermione just can’t let things go.

  43. My sister was hit by a car while she was riding her bike yesterday. I’m currently in a Uber to the airport to go home to see her and my mom.

    My sister and I almost died in a car accident over a decade ago, so this has been incredibly triggering for my whole family. They’re also worried that the concussion from this will further complicate the intellectual disabilities she already had from the accident. And she was supposed to graduate college in may, after 8 years struggling through school with her disability. I desperately hope this will not set her back further. *rough day*

  44. Had a long but good work shift today. Happy it’s a long weekend. Going to a community care queer event tomorrow. Haven’t been to anything like that in a while so that will be nice. Saw the force awakens this week and it was super gay. Been watching ouat, ouat in wonderland, 90210, supergirl, some crime procedurals, and Gotham this week. Been trying out the dairy free thing lately to help with chronic stuff and possibly going to cut out gluten too.

  45. This week I went to pride for the first time and it was awesome! Unfortunately I had to leave right before the match to go to school camp but I had a great time before that. The rest of the week I had school and sport which was alright but very tiring. Tonight I’m off to a birthday party so that should be fun 🙂

  46. Carmen, I think you need an old fashioned kind of alarm clock that makes annoying noises and isn’t on your phone. Also, what is your favorite tea right now? I am super into a chocolate puer tea.

    My week has been going rather well. Going to a lesbian dance party tonight. Last month I drank way too much at this party so I am going to try to take it easier this time. At least I want to drink water.

    Recently I joined a newly forming drag king troupe and we are having our initial meeting for figuring out our looks tomorrow afternoon. I am excited to get back into drag which I haven’t done since college 6 years ago.

  47. I’ve been doing pretty good this week. Mentally feeling better. Still not great, but better. I’ve been having more energy to do things, and that’s been nice and probably helped with my mental state.

    Except today, my energy kinda left me. I had been planning on resting for a few minutes before going for a run or hike with my pup, but then I fell asleep.

    Also got the results back from my pup’s biopsy and yeah, it is cancer–malignant melanoma. On the plus side, the edge of what they biopsied returned normal, so hopefully that’s it. We want to check to make sure it hasn’t spread to other parts of her body, but even if it hasn’t, the chance of this type of cancer making a return is 50% according to the vet. But still, this pup is turning 14 next week with such a huge list of medical conditions/history (heart murmur, previous herniated disk, myasthemia gravis, a few other things) that it’s still sort of amazing she’s been with us this long.

  48. Hey guys, I ALSO overslept this week and and missed several meetings including one with a very hard to get a hold of, generous for even meeting with me “mentor”person who I have yet to hear back from EEk!

  49. Also! I really meant to let you know that i am really really having a burning desire to geek out about Harry Potter rt now. I am surrounded by muggles always at work and it drives me crazy! I just want to nerd out sometimes about HP ok? I KNOW y’all feel me on this!

    So I know we already had a Harry Potter open thread eons ago that maybe I’ll read thru that while eating my midnight cereal bowl..But in case anyone else is having a burning desire to talk about Harry Potter I want to know your truths! I have been especially excited specifically about thinking about how Meyers Briggs relates to House affiliations lately.

  50. So I am a newbie to the Straddleverse so first let me say a big hello! I was recommended this thread by one of my great friends who also frequents this place. Shout-out to her for being an awesome person.

    Basically I am here to express some of the challenges I am facing in general. I fairly recently came out to myself as bisexual, and even more recently came out to my friends and family. That was a mega challenge as I am sure many of you have experienced as well, because it was totally unexpected and they aren’t exactly affirming. They actually pulled the “It’s not right, and society made you this way” argument and somehow think it was their “fault” in raising both me and my brother (who is gay). They are not angry, or threatening to kick me out of the house, but are just sad that I am “this way”. And for some reason that extreme sadness and disappointment from them really gets to me and it hurts me to see them so hurt. I’ve tried over and over to help them realize that it’s not something that they did wrong but it hasn’t gained much traction, so for now I just wait to see how this turns out.

    In addition to this, I suffer from much internalized bi-phobia that always gets the best of me when I am suffering from chronic bi-cycle syndrome. So it’s hard to look proud and strong to the people who’s opinions matter to me, while I have a hard time being totally myself 100% of the time. I plan on being the leader of my universities unofficial GSA(because we are a conservative school), but I feel that as a leader I will need to balance being vulnerable and real about the struggles that I am going through, with the fact that it’s awesome to be LGBT and that it does get better for people who need support.

    Meanwhile with all of this, I am kinda crushing on this probably-straight girl in my department, but my logical side is telling me that I have a ton of other things to worry about than an unlikely relationship, but when I see her do something cute, I can’t help but smile and admire her from a distance. Sigh… So yeah, lots on my mind.

    • WELCOME AMY! I am so happy you are here!

      First of all, last July, AS did a rad Open Thread for bisexual people, and there were more than a thousand comments on it – all lovely people talking in lovely ways about bisexuality! It is SO worth reading through:

      We See You: An Open Thread for Bisexual Women Dating Men

      I’m sorry things are bad with your parents right now. I hope they will get happier when they see YOU start to be happy, when they see how regular (but fulfilling and amazing) your life can and will be.

      I hope you stick around and read and learn and send your parents links and become a comment addict like me! It really is kind of a big happy virtual family around here.

      Have a good weekend! Hugs to you!

    • Welcome! Geez, biphobia really sucks. I’m sorry to hear your family isn’t supportive. I think it’s awesome that you’re planning to take on a leadership role, just one person putting their hand up can make so much difference.

    • I hear you on the difficulty of conservative universities and people close to you being sad. I haven’t figured out how to deal with well meaning folk wishing you weren’t “that way”.
      My best advice to keep the right perspective is to know that everyone wishes their own kind of happiness to people they care about. Even if they wish you were something you aren’t, they are still wishing you’ll be happy. Don’t let the misplaced wishes stop you from finding your kind of happiness.

      And with the “straight” crush, there is really no way to know where someone lies on the kinsey scale by visual inspection. Having a beautiful girl I thought was straight kiss me was one of the best surprises I’ve had.

    • Hugs, high-fives, and Painful Internalized Biphobia Club secret handshake! It’s a fun club. I’m also relatively recently out to myself (it’s been almost a year, and I’m 25). I’m sorry the important people in your life are so unsupportive; that’s really hard, especially when you’re already fighting not to be down on yourself for something you know isn’t wrong but still sometimes feel wrong about. I hope they come around. My impression is that people often do. I hope you make lots of wonderful friends in your GSA, and that the probably-straight girl isn’t straight, and that if she is, you find somebody super cool who’s not.

    • I want access to Photoshop so I can colour a seagull in flight in the colours of the Bi Pride flag for you
      The wind can rip buildings apart, but still you spread your wings and decided to fly.

      I don’t why I got all poetic o_O like that, but welcome to the FOT and the most bi friendly site/community in existence.

  51. I managed to delete every bookmark I had on Chrome. I cannot get them back. I am still very, very disappointed, over lost artwork from friends and websites I used to cope with anxiety. I am a dumb, but I can, hopefully, get them back. The slow, painstaking way. Blegh.

    On the plus side, a friend gave me a recipe for chocolate chip drop cookies for muffin pans. Apparently, it’s amazing, and I’m 100% ready to spend my weekend(looking for a parttime job) making those. F yeah.

  52. Hey hey hey! This week, like most weeks lately, I am Trying Extra Hard.* I have adopted “effort won’t betray you” as a motto (for as long as it serves me). I applied to grad school this winter, worked through some stuff with my partner, started making some art, and became more responsible, not to mention better at coping with my anxiety and OCD. After 3+ years slogging it out with chronic mental and physical illness, I’m finally in a place where I feel like my strength is growing again. (I wasn’t sure this would ever happen.) Holy hell, it feels good, y’all. Also, I survived a pretty serious car wreck, for which I’m extremely grateful.

    *Everywhere except at work, where I’m about to kick it into gear. Car accident and change of supervisor threw me off my game.

  53. I’m not reading any of the A-Camp coverage because I’m so sad about not being able to go next year and probably not for a few years. Everything else I want to do in my life I can wait for, I just can’t find any chill about A-Camp.

  54. I’ve been in a new city for a new job for just over a month now and it still feels not entirely real that I live here.
    My current frustration is that I’ve been to IKEA way too many times and they keep being out of stock of the things I’m looking for, so my ‘couch’ is currently a spare mattress strewn with pillows and blankets. Also I don’t have an internet connection yet, so trying not to chew through too much phone data, which means no Netflix etc. I’ve been listening to the radio a lot.
    All that said, I’m pretty happy with living in an apartment that’s just mine for the first time. I like not having to figure whether eggs/milk/vegetables in the fridge are mine or a housemate’s.

  55. Well, I’ve been having a less-than-stellar week. Long story short, I busted up my ankle awhile back and I finally went to the doctor about it after having put it off for far longer than I should’ve, only to be told that yes, I did indeed mess it up, and that I need to see another doctor in a week. Yay me. I did get a pretty cool splint, though, so now I’m putting stickers on it and gluing lace to my crutches, as one does.

  56. Yesterday I had a terrible meeting at work followed by a generally bad day at work and I am entirely frustrated with this one co-worker who can’t seem to act like a person and the fact that my boss seems to think this isn’t a problem at all.
    But then today I got drunk on mimosas at brunch with an awesome friend and then we spent entirely too much money on retail therapy. Got some awesome LUSH stuff and the most expensive but also most comfortable leggings in existence at Lululemon and then bought a whole new makeup set that actually matches my porcelain skin color and makes my face look all luminous and pretty. And now I’m watching Lily James in Cinderella (such a crush on her!) and feeling a lot better about life. Friends who will do all that with you are totally the best. Even if they are straight.

  57. The art museum membership I got for Christmas was finally broken in today, and I saw the amazing fucking cat painting that everyone in Portland has been talking about. It was a great “city day” because I also took public transit and walked around a lot, and felt very good about my decision to move here three years ago.

    Downside of today was that I tried a different menstrual cup and it contributed to my cramps. Finally figured out how to put the damn thing in (it’s a little different from my usual diva cup) and it still did me no good!

  58. Oh, well, what happened to me this week… Actually not a lot overall but a couple of things.

    So I’ve been made a contributor to my friend’s site. I’ve only written two articles so far (I have a couple more I’m still working on) but I called dibs on covering the new season of “The Venture Bros.” and I came out with my first article for it on Monday or Tuesday. It was really not something I’m used to: I wrote notes while the episode aired and then since my Dad didn’t see it, I got the chance to re-watch it and refresh my memory and I spent most of Monday typing out the draft for it. But yeah, writing articles (and not just saying I will and forgetting to) has been a really strange but electrifying experience. I am starting to get the hang of it and my friend (who’s also the editor) says I’ve improved from my first article

    anyway, here’s the link: http://whoseresponsiblethis.com/venture-bros-season-6-episode-1-hostile-makeover/

    other than that…I dunno. Most of the days have been filled with filling out surveys and questionaires for money (tiny, tiny, incremental sums of money I can’t cash in yet) and Skyping with my new friend Quinn, who’s 18 but cute as hell. XD

    I’m also pushing back the powers that be that are keeping me from getting to Magfest later this month after my editor said he may not get me the ticket (but he got the press badge. also, I MAY BE COVERING MAGFEST AHHH!) and my bf said he might not. I’m not giving up hope and maybe the positive vibes (wat) I send out or me working on getting more articles out will MAYBE reward me with a ticket. I definitely can’t get any use of a press badge if I’m not able to get there. Still…I have roughly one more week before something comes through. I’m crossing my fingers.

  59. The theme song to the show Ballers on HBO came on while at Crossfit one night, so I casually asked a woman if she had ever seen the show. Somehow this all led to talking about how ‘The Rock’ has a nice ass/men’s rears in general and I’m still feeling queasy about it.

    • idk why but this made me laugh so hard. Also, I think we should start using the phrase “buns” again. As in “Check out the set of buns on the Rock, or other men people”. You’ll blend in, and appear wholesome. Win, win

  60. Major health problems this year that’s keeping me from returning to A-Camp and also my college classes are on hold. Though I love my massage career, after 6 years, my (shoulder) rotator cuffs have tears and I’ve had surgery on only my right side so far.

    Then there’s more with my thyroid, I’m hoping they take it out soon because it’s really severe and things aren’t working and I’m starting to get double vision from it. Oh, did I mention that excess thyroid hormone in your body has been shown to like eat your muscles? You should see me try to go up stairs. 😉

    Unfortunately my previously super supportive mom has become somewhat verbally abusive and I really don’t know what to do about it at age 24. It only happened in the past year and I never thought we’d have a toxic relationship and I’m super scared if things progress we will.

    But my old friend (actually first real boyfriend) came back into my life recently and it’s great to have a friend. When we finally talked on the phone for the first time in like 5 years I told him I was lesbian and he laughed and said, “Of course you are, I figured it out after we broke up.” It helps that he’s pan. Him moving back into town came at the most opportune moment because my best friend moved to LA and I’m not allowed to drive right now, especially 2 1/2 hours each way.

    Also Carmen, if you find yourself in Temecula with Eli, we can try to set up a doggy date with Kahlua. Or, if you’d rather, we can continue sharing pictures. She got her nails trimmed and a bath yesterday at petco and was hilariously quietly pissed.

    Hope all is well with all of you.

  61. I had a decent week! I finally signed on to work with some commercial representation (!!!!!!), had a plentiful week of catering work, and messed around with that Simpsons screencap website for longer than I care to share. The only bummer of the week was tax filing. Curse ye, California!!!!

  62. I’m exhausted, my classes this term are too much! Really its just one class but that one feels like 3 classes worth of work. I’ve been working on homework for that class all week and barely scratched the surface. I’m proud of what we are doing for our project and the class is great but I’m so tired. There is also a really cute person in the class and that makes me even more anxious about class. I invited them to come over for dinner tomorrow last week, they wanted to but are busy and said raincheck. So I’m hoping next week I’ll have the courage to ask them again for next weekend. I just think they are really swell, but have no idea what they think of me. gah. what to do?
    In other news, I just got some really cute floral jeans that fit perfectly! I’m so excited! I look really good in them!
    Also I’m not doing any homework tomorrow and am going to make the best pizza ever!

  63. I’m trying to work up the courage to go to some Meetups for queers in my town in the next couple weeks. I’m starting to get legit depressed because I don’t meet anyone outside of work, but the idea of going somewhere alone and meeting people is soooo scary. Wouldn’t mind some words of encouragement. Help please….

    • you can do this! okay, seriously, it will be awkward and hard but probably it will also be really fun, and you’ll make some queermo friends, and you’ll know you did it! you can do it! i promise.

      xoxoxoxoxo

    • you can do this! okay, seriously, it will be awkward and hard but probably it will also be really fun, and you’ll make some queermo friends, and you’ll know you did it! you can do it! i promise!

      xoxoxoxo

    • Oh my gosh, you’ll be so glad you did. I’ve never actually gone to a queer meet-up, but I joined a very queer-dominated activity (roller derby) and it had the same effect of introducing a lot of people into my life who I could feel really open and safe and MYSELF with, and it helps so much. Even if it’s awkward at first, it’ll be so good! You’re brave for doing it even though you’re scared! I hope you make great new friends!

    • I’m sure it will be tons of fun! Definitely rooting for you, you can do it!
      (If you’re unable to tell someone when and where you’ll be, just in case you still feel uncomfortable going alone, I suggest getting one of those safety apps. A lot of them depend on having people who it will call in a case of an emergency, but one of the ones that don’t is SafeTrek(I believe) where if you feel unsafe, you press the button and hold it down until you feel safe again. Then you just let go and enter in a 4 digit pin. If you don’t enter in the pin, it calls the police for you)

    • Wear something that’s comfortable and that you love and if you’re very stressed, just imagine you’re a character in a sitcom or the way you’re going to look at this a few years in the future.
      Beginnings are always hard and awkward, but they usually make for a fun story later on.
      And the good thing about meet ups?
      Everyone goes there by themselves and it’s weird for everyone else, too.
      Go there and then tell us how it went later!

    • You can totally do this! If you’re having trouble imagining it, don’t imagine it. Disconnect from it. Just think that you’re going to x venue at x time and any time you start to think further than that, and imagine your interactions wth people and it starts to freak you out, blank out your mind with some silly iPhone game.

  64. Life is WEIRD but mostly GOOD. This week I made a new good friend, went to a protest, continued interning at a place I love, and was paid for poetry for the first time ever which is in an incredible feeling. I also made out with someone A LOT older than me which generally i feel weeeeeird about, and I’m gonna limit who I make out etc with from now on…I think I’m just getting used to the fact that although sometimes people find me attractive, and although i usually want to make out in life, it is not always a good idea, in terms of self care. But yeah, we live and learn 🙂

  65. Oh hey I forgot something I finally got a call this week from the doctor’s office that did my allergy test and turns out I’m allergic to brewer’s yeast which means I have reason to not drink the alcohol I hate the most; beer.

    So next time someone tries to strong arm me into trying to drink beer because I don’t like it isn’t a good enough reason rather than ‘making a scene’ by spitting it everywhere in disgust I can show them some pictures on phone of my hives experience while telling them about how less ouchie allergy tests are these days and ain’t it funny I’m allergic to brewer’s yeast. I scored like a 2.5 or something for it but I have no problem rounding it up in the name of civility and not having to accidentally spew nasty piss water on people. 😀

    • Geez, why do people have to be shitty about others’ preferences? You don’t like beer. Fair enough. There are plenty of other alcoholic libations in the world. Cider, for example. Or a good Irish whiskey. I’m glad you got your allergy test results back!

      • Because they lack the ability to see beyond their own world view, personal preferences and experiences. It’s something I learned in Special Ed. at like 9 years old give or take.
        Some people can’t even grasp why someone wouldn’t want to be intoxicated beyond a light buzz or just not intoxicated at all. The worst seem to think you’re trying to be superior or some shit.
        My sense of taste seems to strongly disagree with anything that’s not rum or tequila as far as alcohol goes. I might like caipirinha, but vodka tastes like isopropyl alcohol so I suspect I might not like moonshine.
        Still I detest the effects of alcohol in public setting like oh say Bourbon Street. I like my unaltered reaction time and situational awareness better than satisfying people.

        I’m glad I got my results back too, but the doctor I went to was a GP not an allergist so it wasn’t as complete a panel as it could of have been and we still have no true confirmation what caused my reaction. My mom called an allergist when the hives were at their worst and I was useless, but the receptionist at that office said something like “just go to the dermatologist” because somehow an allergic reaction was just not a concern of an allergist’s office.
        So uh gotta find another allergist that works with the insurance because what the fuck not trusting them.

  66. My little brother was home from college this week and I came out to him by showing him the “bisexuwhale” sticker on my roller derby helmet. Still not out to my parents even though they wouldn’t be shitty about it, and I kind of feel like a coward for it, even though I don’t think anyone else is a coward for not being out to their parents.

    I am getting closer to okay at roller derby, which I started playing in September, after never having played a sport before in my life. It’s the best thing in the world and makes me really really happy to be alive when I previously just sort of tolerated it. I am 100% out in my derby world, in contrast with being like 90% closeted in every other area of my life. Got a massive, massive crush that makes me feel like I’m in middle school again on a (perfect, hilarious, intimidating, unavailable) teammate and it’s Pain but also The Best.

    I’m glad autostraddle exists. I hope you all have a really good weekend and that the things you’re working on go well.

    Also, my lizard is really cute.

  67. GAH I MADE IT TO FOT!!! I MADE IT. You guys it’s so hard when I have to work cause I miss out on the party!!!

    But happy Friday! Soon to be Saturday! YOU GUYS. I hope your hair made it through this week. HOW IS EVERYONE??

    I literally cannot afford to oversleep because work LOL. I end up ALWAYS waking up like 2 minutes before my alarm WTF BODY. And I think that 2 minutes is actually a long time and I start to drift off then the alarm goes on and I get scared and confused by all this noise. LOL. Sometimes when I don’t wake up before the alarm I hear it in my dreams…that’s really something. LOL and it’ll be very vivid too like I remember holding a clock and trying to remove the annoying sound.

    PCH IS BEAUTIFUL. Very scenic. My dad says you can start in Dana Point in Orange County and drive ALL the way up to San Fran on PCH. It’s a lot longer of a drive vs taking the 5 freeway but it’s so damn pretty. I remember one 4th of July when I was younger we drove from Dana Point to Santa Monica in my sister’s new car. Driving PCH is on my to do list when Christine gets here. Which MIGHT be like after camp……..OMG YOU GUYS. PANICPANICPANICPANIC

    Lately, FB has been winning at this memories thing. 7 years ago also. LOL. LOOK AT MY CHUBBY CHEEKS.

    This the VERY COOL metal earth i made the other day. It’s a MF T-REX! I was seriously impressed by how detailed it was and how accurate it looks?? Like for metal you know..it’s seriously one of my faves. It didn’t feel like it was as hard to make but it is very tedious.

    So I taught myself to sort of play basic..very basic guitar in college. And over the past 6 months or so I’ve really picked it up again and I’ve added fingerpicking songs because all I really know are ones that you strum…A lot of my days off are spent with these two in the afternoon. An IPA and my guitar. My dad asked me to learn “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin to which I was like…I can barely hold a proper F major chord…and you want me to learn this iconic song…..it’s been going okay so far LOL I almost have the INTRO down. HALF THE INTRO.

    • TYRANNOSAURUS REX!

      Oh I been meaning to ask have you ever done a B-17 Metal Earth before?
      I was in the D-Day Museum for a sponsored free museum day and they had a friggin collection of my gal sal stuff for sale and Metal Earth was one of the things.

  68. A few months ago I could never hear myself saying this but…
    London is a beautiful city but my god I’m starting to miss the states.
    Thinking of relocating to Austin in the summer/early fall when I finish my masters here…anybody a local? :XX

  69. My weekend was going to be too boring to share but my dog just came running into the room with two bras in her mouth. Due to her usually only managing one at a time I think the feat is post-worthy.

    Luckily she will just collect them and carry them. She does not destroy them.

    Photograph evidence exists of this habit (Sorry if I muck this up!):

    • Ask the things you’re afraid to ask.
      Sit down, make a list, get to the questions that are so secretly hidden in the depths of your heart you hardly dare think them and ask.
      It doesn’t matter if they seem prejudiced or assuming or silly or superfluous.
      Ask openly and discuss openly.

  70. My girlfriend (fiance now i suppose, after a totally romantic proposal last week) and I went to separate events last night, I got home fairly early around 1.30, and she finally made it to the front door of the apartment block at 4.30am escorted by two bemused police officers and a fairly annoyed taxi driver so I had to go down in my finest flannel jimjams and let her in as she had lost her bag/phone/wallet/keys/dignity (all have since been found except the latter) and needed 11 euro for the taxi.

    And now in the glorious glow of mid afternoon im not sure whether to be pissed off with her or find it hilarious.

    Shes still drunk. Im kind of tempted to just leave her to her own devices because she was a little shit last night, but im hungry and i should probably feed her at some point. Maybe wake her up with a face full of ice cold water? suggestions are welcome.

    Thanks for listening, internet, im glad i could get that off my chest.

  71. Hello! Golly I’ve been out of action for a while but I want to check in.

    Life updates:

    -I moved outta home! I now live with my twin, one housemate and a famous person’s dog which we acquired from the US of A!

    -I’m teaching drums at a Catholic school, which is fun.. and there’s nothing like that sneaking idea that you could legally lose your job for being queer if anyone cared to make that happen! (Luckily I don’t think teachers really give a shit, or it’d be too much hassle for them because I’m just the drum teacher 🙂 )

    – As of today I am a groomsperson in one of my best friend’s weddings! YAY!

    He’s straight and cis and also spent the time really asking me if he and his partner marrying was a terrible ally move, given that queers still can’t tie the knot in Aus. I said he was lovely for asking but I’m okay and happy(!) for him to marry; it would be enough to ask guests to cover their ears during the ‘man and woman’ part that Australian celebrants are legally required to use.

    Anyhow! Groomsperson! Trying to work out if I wear a suit or a dress. Probably dress, because sometimes it’s nice to look terribly pretty, you know? (I say this as a hipster-of-centre tomboyish sort who rarely wears dresses ever).

    – I have sort of decided to save more heavily for my *eventual Trip To America( which may or may not involve your camp! Squee.

    In Australia we get a few wads of 1000 gs when we’re students for ‘textbook etc fees’, but I know some shrewd types who funnel it into a personal travel fund for themselves and I may try follow suit because those kids have a PLAN that WORKS and seem to travel ALL THE TIME.

    – The Australian government is treating refugees like shit at the moment (what’s new SIGH) so I’m doing campaigny things about that and also working with a ‘Queer Spy Club’ of friends in challenging our state’s local queer festival to be better. Last season it involved a venue with a terrible transphobic name, and that wasn’t good enough. However things are looking up Milhouse and the venue is rebranding (not to do with us probably so much as venue owners perpetually rebranding to keep things fresh but still, TAKE THAT TRANSPHOBIA!)

    – I’ve decided I’m going to try to (at risk of sounding like that Instagram hashtag) live more authentically this year, which I think can only be good for me.

    SO there’s that for now 😀

  72. Also Carmen, you are 1000% correct that self-care is terrifically critical, and go you of indulging! I have binge watched Shameless and Orphan Black (Cophine for life, the best union since Shane and Carmen, I have *so many feels*) and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

    I think sometimes for help-y campaign-y types helping others can make you feel better because SHIT’S GETTING DONE but something that also makes you feel better is turning your brain the fuck off and watching Netflix – or reading, or sleeping in, or other things – and I’ve remembered that this holidays too and it’s been so important.

    There’s that ‘self-care is a revolutionary act’ quote. I reckon I found a sewable patch of that on Etsy. Will add to queer scout blanket sometime.

    <3

  73. Last night was choir cabaret (a fundraiser for our choir scholarship fund, which is basically camperships for our England tour in July). A lot of crazy work, but a lot of fun. After everyone left, we drank wine from the bottles while tearing down the decorations. It was a lot of fun, but my feet were killing me by the end.

    I think I need to see a psychiatrist. My family has a history of depression, and I feel like everything is muted and I don’t feel any emotion. (Hell, I went to two weddings last month and didn’t cry at either one. I always cry at weddings.) My fear is that when I get put on an antidepressant, my company will make a big deal of it and I’ll be penalized for taking care of myself.

    Other than that, I’m plugging along at work and studying for the CMA exam on the 25th. Oh, and hyperventilating about student loan repayments beginning this month. I’m also hoping I get off the wait list for A-Camp and get to go!

  74. Hi! I am recovering from a nasty cold that made me miss two days of work. I’ve been wanting to cook ALL THE THINGS this week, but I can’t smell anything with this cold. 🙁 But my cat’s been extra cuddly, and that is always welcome.

    My friends and I are planning a trip to San Antonio next month to see some concerts and we’re starting to feel that excitement/anxiety of OH SHIT WE’RE ADULTS WE GOTTA PLAN THINGS. We did a concert roadtrip last year, but San Antonio is considerably farther away than Chicago, and we’ll be gone a whole week, to sight-see and go to museums like the grown-ups we are. Mostly we’re just arguing over whether to drive or fly.

  75. I finally signed up for a GRE test date (about a month away) and downloaded some study apps. I already got accepted to one piece of my grad program cause it’s run through a nonprofit and doesn’t require a GRE score, but I still have to take the GRE in order to apply/co-matriculate at the partner institution where I’ll be taking some of my credits, and to qualify for federal financial aid. A little nervous/excited about the whole thing.

    I’m still adjusting to my new job at a youth sexual health clinic, which rocks, so that is the main organizing force in my life right now. This week I also baked a really great batch of gingerbread, played a fun band gig, and participated in Hourly Comic Day for the first time!

  76. It’s been a weird day! At 3AM this morning, after sitting in my empty bathtub with a book and staring at the tiles for a few hours (I like the feel of the enamel against my skin), I decided to chop off all my hair on a whim. It looks like this:

    I also finally started taking antidepressants today again after almost a year of being off of them. I’d completely forgotten how much they make my heart race! I can’t tell if my heart is about to explode from beating so fast, or if it only seems fast to me because my body had sunk in a state of near-hibernation for so long. Who knows?

    I just got back from a walk to see if it could help calm me down. It didn’t, really, but I was able to take two pictures – an inexplicably angry-looking selfie and a photograph of a house with a huge chalk drawing of a dog on its side.


    Also, I bought Gandalf a new teddy bear, which he LOVES, and is sure to eviscerate at any moment.

    And now I’m trying to figure out what exactly I want to do tonight! I’m currently sort of an orphan in the city I live in, so whatever it is I do will have to be solitary, but that’s all right with me. I’m thinking of roasting some sweet potatoes and brussels sprouts, playing my mandolin, drinking some wine, and watching Bron/Broen. (Is anyone else here really into the whole Nordic Noir thing? I just can’t get over it, I love it so much.)

    Also, I hope these pictures all worked! I’m the absolute worst with computer-y things.

  77. So I can’t make it to A-camp but this week I registered for a bisexuality residential conference in my country, so I’m pretty excited and nervous about that.

    I’m currently lying on my couch with no firm plans to move, and calling it self-care! Life has been tough lately and I keep underestimating the amount of rest I need to be able to cope with it all. Trying not to shame myself for being “lazy” and accept that I just don’t have as much spare energy just now as I’m used to having.

  78. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I am a young lesbian and my first girlfriend (of four months) just broke up with me yesterday. I cried for about an hour, then I punched a balloon I had leftover from my birthday.

    She broke up with me because she is a very devout christian and I am an atheist/pagan. I understand completely, and I want her to find someone she is happy with. I fell in love with her and she brought me out of my shell in a way that no one ever has. She made me laugh and helped me get through some very difficult stuff.

    The hardest part, I think, is that she and I used to make lovely plans for the future. Simple stuff. We were going to sleep together (innocently) and visit her grandparents lake. It’s hard thinking that I’ll never be able to do those things.

    I will always be grateful for our time. And even though writing this is making me cry, I felt like I ought to. I have some wonderful friends who are supporting me, but no one knew me like she did, which is very hard to come to terms with. I wish the best to her and I hope someday we can be friends, because she is an amazing person that I care about deeply.

    A part of me is a little glad, no matter how much it hurts, because I know now that I have the opportunity to find someone who loves all of me, someone who I can discuss evolution and paganisim and how beautiful it is that even when we die, our energy will live on. I love her but I know this was best for both of us.

    I just wanted to let the world know that I will always care about you knight and I hope you find happiness.

    • Hey, if you believe in energy, Einstein said it can never be created or destroyed. Shell come around in another form <3
      Trust me, ive been there. Just keep doing your thing and following your bliss and the next perfect person will show up. 🙂

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