Flashback: Warm Nights, Almost Left Behind, Suitcases of Memories…

it’s like RSAD (Reverse-Seasonal Affective Disorder, my other disease)

totally forgetting that the world is, in fact, not entirely composed of homosexuals [and also straight people who are totally prepared for the fact that you’ll think they’re gay until they show you otherwise, like by standing around in the breakfast line gabbing like it’s fucking Mahh-Jong day at the Miami Beach retirement home while you’re trying to make a beeline for the fresh canned pears, not that this actually happened to me or anything, but I think they were on the wrong ship or else had a lesbian daughter with irresistible grandchildren). Continually assuming that everyone who walks past you is a homosexual and thinks you too are a homosexual. Feeling somehow wronged by that.

complete inability to prepare meals or clean up the results of the take-out you inevitably resorted to eating. persistent delusions that a meal awaits you on the second floor of your apartment building, followed by delusion that your dishes will be removed by a smiling Indonesian man in a navy blue suit.

attempting to open your apartment door with a plastic card emblazoned with the image of a cruise ship.

walking on water, like Jesus, but without the water or the holy-ness.

total confusion as to why everything is so dirty and no one is folding your towels or slipping a newsletter with tomorrow’s fun activities under the door.

forgetting that you have a cell-phone, cash, a computer, or a job.

going from this:

to this:

Complete Run-Down of All Cruise Photos and Boring Details to Follow Within the next 24-48 hours. I know, you’re already jonesin’ for it. “Please Marie, tell me all about how much fun you had while I was being boring in my hot smelly life!” Well, don’t worry kiddies, I WILL.

p.s. A gross sweaty drunk scary man in the A-C 34th street station at 1:30 AM asked me “all the trains are going that way?” like ten times,
and a gay person would never do that.

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3227 articles for us.