Hey, it’s Fan Fiction Friday! I forgot to tell you something, which is that two weeks ago when I was putting together this column for Lost Girl, my girlfriend and I were visiting her family. I was working at the kitchen table while her mom cooked a holiday feast and two separate times she was like, “Heather, do you want me to turn down the heat? Your face is so flushed.” So be careful where you’re reading these things during Christmas vacation, is what I am saying.
Orange is the New Black fan fiction is weird. For starters, there’s not a whole lot of it, maybe because it’s one of the few shows on TV where women actually kiss each other with their mouths open? Also, though, nearly all of it is about Alex and Piper. You’ve got to really dig in to find good stuff about Taystee and Poussey, or Flaca and Maritza. And there’s no Sophia fanfic to be found anywhere, which is actually pretty discouraging.
But there’s still some beautiful stuff to behold, including these 9 super sexy fics to get you sprung. (Like a prison breakout joke, get it?)
Pairing: Alex and Piper
Plot: Piper and Alex sneak around to find a place to be alone to get it on.
Length: 3,000 words
Hotness level: “Are you jealous that I’m kind of pretty now and you’re not?”
“You’re pretty,” Alex replied, her tone was characteristically dry, but her gaze was gentle and adoring and her smile was sweet. “I like staring at you,” she continued, her small smile turning into a mischievous grin as she lifted her right hand from where it was lying on her stomach and moved it to cover Piper’s breast. “And touching. Touching’s good too.”
Piper sighed softly and shook her head from side to side as if she couldn’t believe what Alex was doing, but she wasn’t able to keep the chastising expression on her face for long.
“Stop it,” she muttered even as a smile tugged up the corners of her lips.
“No.” Alex’s voice was raspier than usual as she gazed up at Piper intently. “Come here.”
Piper breathed out shakily and then leaned down and brought their lips together. The command in Alex’s voice and her sultry tone sent a wave of desire coursing through Piper, but despite that she was determined to keep the kiss chaste. They had some privacy where they were situated in library, but the stacks only protected them from being seen at a distance. At any moment someone could walk by their little alcove and see them, so prudence was still necessary, which was fine. They were not animals after all. They could control themselves.
However, when Alex’s fingers threaded themselves in Piper’s hair when she tried to pull back, and she tugged gently but firmly, pulling Piper back down to meet her lips again, heat exploded through Piper’s body, and when they kissed again it was far from chaste.
“I want you,” Alex whispered roughly against Piper’s mouth when Piper pulled back from her, breaking the kiss.
Piper smiled down at her and stroked Alex’s cheek gently.
“You have me.”
Pairing: Taystee and Poussey
Plot: Are they friends or are they more? Only time and fanfiction will tell!
Length: 5,500 words
Hotness level: “Don’t call me babe. You can’t call me babe if you can’t return my texts.”
She keeps kissing you. In the empty hallways when there’s no one to see you. In the bathroom after you finish brushing your teeth and are about to go to bed. Before breakfast, before anyone else wakes up and you’re still rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. Quick, brief, chaste kisses. Nothing as rough as the first one, as searching. Just the brush of her mouth on yours. She catches you by surprise every single time. You’re never expecting anything from her, and so you don’t notice when she starts to give you everything.
Kisses the corner of your mouth. Kisses your forehead. Kisses the back of your hand and laughs when you start to blush. You don’t want to question it—don’t dare look it in the eyes, just wish you could take this and be happy with it and want nothing else for the rest of your useless fucking life, but you’re not made that way. You’re just not. If she’s working out some sort of repressed sexual shit on you, well; you don’t want to be left behind when she figures it out and decides, in the end, that she doesn’t want you. You don’t think you can survive a heartbreak like that for a second time. Not in here. Not like this. Not with her.
She kisses you and you react, grab her face with her hands, hold her back when she tries to pull away, to stand, to leave you again. “Don’t,” you say, and thank God no one is around, thank God for this tiny moment of privacy in prison, this place where nothing is sacred or secret, this place where everyone except you knows how you feel.
“You can’t just keep doing this to me,” you say. “Not if you don’t mean it.”
“I mean it,” Taystee says, too flippantly, too—something, just not enough, why is it never enough for you—
“I’m in love with you,” you say. It’s the first time you’ve ever said it. “It’s not a fucking joke for me, T. This isn’t—this is my life, okay, my real feelings and shit, you can’t just—play me like this, like it doesn’t mean anything, because it does—it means so much to me—”
Pairing: Nicky and Lorna
Plot: What if they were out of prison and Lorna wasn’t legit insane about her ex-boyfriend? WHAT THEN?
Length: 28,000 (3 chapters!)
Hotness level: “Run, nuns! Run!”
Nicky slips her hand onto Lorna’s thigh, rubbing comforting lines up and down. She can’t help the way she stares, fixated on the sight of her fingers caressing Lorna’s smooth skin, pushing the hem of her dress higher and higher.
“Jesus, Nicky, are ya tryin’a kill us? Watch the road, will ya?”
“Did you ever fucking watch the road whenever you drove the transfer van around?” Nicky asks in return. “I swear to god, every time you drove me back from the SHU, you’d be looking back at me, yapping on about whatever dyke drama was oh so overhyped that week.”
“Like you didn’t enjoy it.”
Nicky more than enjoyed it. She appreciated it. Her senses would be going haywire, trying to adjust to the brightness of the outside world and outside sounds. Lorna could have spent the entire drive bitching at her for whatever got her sent there in the first place, but she never did. In retrospect, it reminds Nicky of something Chapman said once, something about feeling like coming home after a long trip. Nicky won’t say any of this, of course, but she trusts Lorna knows by the way she smiles and how she entwines their fingers.
“Jesus, kid, you could’ve warned me before all of that.”
Lorna frowns. “I told you my family’s the worst.”
Pairing: Taystee and Poussey
Plot: OK, so more than friends then. Got it!
Length: 4,000 words (7 chapters!)
Hotness level: “Are you gonna let all the men die out?” “Oh, fuck no. We need slaves.”
There was a warmth that radiated through Poussey’s chest, rushed to her extremities and left her head cloudy. She was afraid to name it. Voicing it might corrode the feeling, and if anything, she wanted to make this feeling stay.
If she could, she would crystallize it and lock it in her chest, every now and then to pull it out and hold a magnifying glass to it like some kind of strange science experiment. It was just as odd and glowing and wonderful as an organ in a jar.
But it was temporary. It lived inside stolen moments in hidden corners of the prison yard, broom closets, empty stairwells and up against library stacks when no one else was around.
She didn’t want to name it, but if she had to, she’d call it reciprocity – the moment when she and Taystee locked eyes and shared the exact same thoughts, space, and movement. Give and take. This was no longer one-sided. She was no longer hopelessly chasing after something she couldn’t have. They were on the same page.
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