Welcome to the 17th recap of the second season of Faking It, a reality show based in a post office staffed entirely by characters from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure from the network that brought you Engaged and Underage.

We open in Shane’s boudoir, where his sister, the character formerly known as Paige McCullers — currently known as Sasha Harvey — wants Shane to play hooky so they can lie around in bed and say the word “snatch” all day.

Wait, Emily, where are your boobs?

See, Sasha’s just left her boyfriend Jake and now she’s got nothing to do and nowhere to be and doesn’t wanna get a job. Instead she’d rather have sexual fantasies about Liam Booker. Did you know that the simple sight of Sasha gave Liam his first pre-pubsecent boner? Welp, now you do. Now you know that forever. The world will turn and turn and right there is where you shall remain, knowing that tidbit about Liam Booker. You’ll never not know it. Shane’s worried that Liam and Sasha are gonna do the horizontal mambo at Club Harvey, but Liam promises he won’t! Sasha, however, can promise no such thing.

Cut to Blue Oasis No Homo Yes Lez Do It Hi-High School, where Amy’s telling Karma that her parents are gonna still try to make it work even though Farrah cheated on her kind hubby with her ex, the Hank of Burning Love. More importantly: it’s Lauren Junior Prom season, as illustrated by Lauren’s Lauren Junior Prom Banners displayed throughout campus.

So I was like, “fine, you can wear the gold dress and you can be on the posters but you’re gonna have to find some other sucker to do the lighting,” and then she was like, well guess what, I got GOD to do the lighting.

Karma thinks she and Amy should go together so they can request “Straight Up” on loop and dominate the dance floor, thus guaranteeing Karma will remain the least popular girl in school forever and ever. Amy would rather sit on the sofa and marathon prom movies, like Carrie! Felix is like, “the original or the remake?” and I mean, DUH the original, but we all know the point of this convo is for us to see that Amy and Felix Have So Much In Common. “The original,” Amy says. “I’m insulted that you’d even ask me that.”

Carrie Brownstein or Carrie Bradshaw?

Brownstein. I’m insulted that you’d even ASK me that.

Meanwhile, a vandal is on the loose at Hester High, tagging Turner’s Big Brother murals with a menacing “B,” which totally ruins the color scheme.

This is really avant garde, I hope I can get it on a pillow case at Society 6

Lauren reports that they’ve barely sold any tickets to Lauren Junior Prom. At a normal school, Turner would punish the students by canceling prom or forcing them to get dressed up for prom and then sequestering them inside a small outdoor lot enclosed by an electrocuted fence in a rainstorm, but not these hippies — nope, the only way to show these ganja-smoking goons who’s boss is to require them to attend prom — with dates.

Approximately how many of these students do you think have made the connection between my sweater and heavy blazer and the fact that I might be an actual zombie?

Karma’s eager to get Amy on lock as her prom date, but Amy’s gotta protect her heart from Karma’s repressed sexual fluidity. She can’t actually tell her this, of course, because telling people things is not The Way Things Go Around Here, so instead she tells Karma it just wouldn’t be fair for her to spend a night she’s been obsessing over all her life with her platonic maybe-lesbian bestie instead of a boy she might be able to take back to her juice truck for a little rock-and-roll. Karma rejects Shane and Amy’s date suggestion of “Felix,” saying he’s like a brother to her. But she’s into Amy’s suggestion of the lab partner she’s been crushing on. They have chemistry… in more ways than one.

Hey you guys, I’m having a huge craving for honeydew melons and I just saw a big bucket of them in the cafeteria. How many honeydew melons do you think I could fit in my purse?

AT LEAST FOUR HONEYDEW MELONS!

Amy: Problem solved!
Shane: What if their chemistry is all inside Karma’s delusional self-absorbed head?
Amy: Don’t talk about Karma like that, she’s my best friend. Okay, maybe I should get a date just in case.

I think we all know where this is going.

Meanwhile, Lauren’s bunsen burner is on fire with ire regarding Turner deciding to not just make Lauren Junior Prom mandatory, but to make prom dates mandatory, which turns out to be a wholly selfish maneuver — he wants his son to step away from the X-Box and into a woman’s XXX-box, or something. Honestly Felix reminds me of my friend’s ex-boyfriend so hard I can barely even view him as an independent character. He seems like a nice guy or whatever but I’m just not feeling this at all.

Are you gonna tell him that he’s got chipotle mayo on his nose or do I have to?

Amy tracks down our old friend Oliver in the drama department, where he’s hanging posters for his new show, “Falling Down The Donut Hole: A True Story of Unrequited Love and Despair,” starring his new girlfriend, who’s basically Amy’s stunt double. So, there goes that Lauren Junior Prom date idea!

Hiiii I’m so happy to meet you I’m such a fan of your tomboy femme style! Maybe we could go to the spa together and see if our hair partner-bonds!!!!

Theo’s not okay with Lauren going to Lauren Junior Prom with some other dude, but they’ve got no choice in this cruel cruel world. He must settle for veto power, just like Obama. Lauren tells Theo that she likes seeing him jealous of her. She says this while playing with his security uniform tie, at which point I realize Lauren and Theo would’ve made an excellent addition to the Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples With Significant Height Disparities post.

How do you feel about rope bondage?

Shane tries beating around the bush rather than directly asking Wade to Lauren Junior Prom, which of course fails, and then Wade’s gotta go to class.

C’mon, be honest, there’s at least a little piece of you that’s always wanted to do a little Michael / Brian Kinney roleplay

You know that you’re gonna have to be Michael, right

He rounds the corner and runs smack-dab into… Karma, who’s all like, “Hey there Chem-Buddy!” Karma’s crush and Shane’s crush are the same damn man.

Good news: I found a melon ball scooper in my back pocket

We’re gonna have the best melon ball salad ever!!!

Extreme hacktivist “B” has now wormed his mysterious way into the school’s SkorklePad network, releasing a film which compares prom to prison? So obviously B is an idiot. However, the tackiness of that particular comparison isn’t nearly as compelling to Shane as his conviction that Liam is B. Liam insists that he isn’t B. Probably B is Ezra, let’s be real.

Dude, I am SO close to beating Riese at Orange is the New Black trivia on QuizUp I can TASTE IT.

“When did you become such a pretty little liar?” asks Shane, following with, “are you also lying about Sasha?” Oh but Liam’s not lying about Sasha, he pretty-promises. He’d never do anything to screw up his new life with his new family, The Harveys. (Just wait ’til their long-lost underground captive sister Sara shows up, talk about a girl who doesn’t know how to properly thank a family for taking her in.) Shane believes him. About Sasha, but not about being B. That’s still up in the air. Speaking of Sasha Harvey, she got a lunch pass to eat with Shane ’cause she’s so bored at home! There’s something seriously wrong with this person.

Don’t look right now, but I’m pretty sure that girl over there is wearing the same Gal Pal crop top I wear with my underpants when I’m just lying around the house thinking about Emily

Anyhow, Sasha licks Liam’s ear and tells him the age of consent in Texas is only 17. Liam says he can’t sleep with her ’cause she’s six years older than him and she’s his best friend’s sister. If only he knew she was once a lesbian who tried to drown Emily Fields in a pool, then he’d hop into bed with her in no time!

Amy’s Quest to get a date to Lauren Junior Prom continues with a call to Jasmine — remember her? The awkward date that ended up with Amy telling the story of her unrequited crush on her best friend? The glorious relationship that could’ve been but never was?

Jasmine: Lemme guess, she wants to go as friends and you’re worried about old feelings coming up?
Amy: How did you know?
Jasmine: I told you, I’ve been there. And I hate to break it to you, but you’re still not over her yet!

Look I know your invoice is looking a little light this month, Amy, but I don’t think our “relationship” was long enough to really provide much material for an Interview with My Ex-Girlfriend for A+.

Amy: I am! In fact, I had a girlfriend —
Jasmine: And you two broke up because you’re both “in really different places” or some other bullshit reason?
Amy: How did you know all this? Are you from the future?

So apparently Jasmine isn’t interested in free punch and a meaningless hookup, so Amy’s left to bang her head against the locker and await the inevitable realization that she will obviously be going to prom with Felix, world’s coolest cat and world’s fourth-coolest land mammal.

You can just caption this one in your imagination

Elizabeth, however, has this shit in the bag: an adorable scrawny red-headed boy would like her to do him the honor of allowing him to escort her to Lauren Junior Prom. “Pick me up after Judge Judy,” she commands. Leila’s got three offers too. Two of them are from me. I hope the other one is from Amy. Then Tommy shows up bearing flowers and a red heart possibly made out of styrofoam or filled with chocolate to ask Lauren to prom and apologize for being a jerk now that he knows she’s “not really a dude.” Everybody says “awww” like what he just said wasn’t terrible and gross. After all, he reminds her, they look great in pictures!

Look I’m really sorry about everything that happened before but I can’t stop thinking about that night in the garage and how vulnerable I felt while tied to a chair

Get a vase for those flowers already

But, you know, Lauren needs a date to Lauren Junior Prom, and she can’t take her main squeeze, so…

Back on the resplendent lawns of High High School for High Tide, Shane and Karma are hemming and hawing about their inability to manifest their crush to ask THEM to prom. Hey, Amy points out, they are strong men and women capable of gripping the reins of destiny and plowing forward into the sunset and the wide open plains of life and possibility! Why wait for the crush to ask them when THEY COULD ASK THE CRUSH?

It’s not enough to stand on the sidewalk for Planned Parenthood! I need you up here, with me, standing on a table for Planned Parenthood!

Amy’s inspirational speech serves its lofty purpose, but when Karma and Shane both wave at the same dude across the grassy knoll, terror strikes their sea-spongey hearts when they realize they’ve been lusting after the same boy. It’s gonna be just like The Boy Is Mine.

Shane: You’ve obviously mistaken Wade’s friendliness for flirting!
Karma: Maybe you’ve misinterpreted his [word I can’t make out even after listening to it ten times]. Not everybody at this school is gay.
Shane: Yeah well not everyone at this school is in love with you.

They march right up to Wade and grill him like a rack of ribs: didn’t he call Karma cute the other day? Yes, he did, he finds Karma attractive and hot. But didn’t he tell Shane all about his ex-boyfriend and flirt with him at the PFLAG event? Yes, but it was his ex-girlfriend — Erin with an “E,” not a “AA” — however, he was indeed flirting. That is also true.

Really? You’re really truly not the guy who used to give us free Dilly Bars at The Dairy Queen?

So what’s the deal, Wade? ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT?

Wade: I’m bi.
[shocked silence.]
Wade: Had that not even occurred as a possibility to you two?

They stumble all over each other and themselves to say that it did, of course it did! Of course! Of course men can be bisexual too! Of course it’s not true that all women are bisexual and all men are gay or straight like they say it is on television! Of course not who would ever think a thing like that WHO WOULD EVER? So, welp: props to Faking It for introducing a male bisexual character. Seriously, that’s very cool! However, it does not replace my need for Amy to have a nice relationship with a lady, maybe with Emily Fields. They can just lie to each other all day and then tongue kiss. Anyhow, Wade somehow likes both Shane and Karma, but would like some time to decide who he’d rather take to Lauren Junior Prom.

To be honest I’ve heard pretty terrible things about both of you but I’m gonna do my best to decide which of you is least likely to entrap me in your inevitable web of lies

Forgetting that Wade just expressed his desire to decide himself who he’d like to take to Lauren Junior Prom, Karma suggests to Shane that they figure out a “civil” way to decide who Wade’s gonna take to prom themselves. Shane’s not worried, though, ’cause he’s got ignorant stereotypes on his side!

Shane: No need for that. I’m going with Wade because Wade is gay.
Karma: Um, he JUST told us he was bi.
Shane: The bi label is just a step in the coming out process. It goes: drunken hookup, curious, bi, full-blown gay, Elton John.

C’mon, gimme the scissoring fist bump and we can pretend for a sec like I’m not the worst

Shane’s willing to write off the ex-girlfriend as part of Wade’s Magical Muff-Diving Mystery Tour, too, but Karma recalls Shane saying that Amy might be bi, so why couldn’t Wade also be bi?

Shane: It’s different for girls.
Karma: WHOA. That is a ridiculous double-standard, really close-minded, and hypocritical. If girls can be bi, so can guys.

Karma’s not sure if Shane genuinely believes these things he says or if he’s just trying to fuck with her head, and to further confuse her, Shane says that even if Wade likes her just a little bit, he’ll still pick Shane, because Shane’s a guy and guys know what guys want. That’s not true, everybody knows what guys want, they wrote the Constitution! They want lots of guns, free speech and the right to remain silent. They also want to visit tiny villages to they can feel big and sometimes they want to save baby seals who have been stranded in a herd of cows in England. There. Now we’re all on the same page.

Amy tells Karma she can’t give up on Wade so easy! She’s gotta keep trying, like that man did who saved the baby seals!  But Karma just doesn’t have faith in her ability to out-seduce Shane in the Battle of the Bi Boys, which’s like the Battle of the Bands, but with more Elton Johns.

I mean, if you really think about it, what does it really matter? We’re all just tiny specks in the universe, sitting on orange couches, carrying around leather fringe bags, dressing in a way that is not indicative of any particular season.

Amy wants Karma to go with Felix, so she dashes off to make that happen and then a set of twins show up to ask Karma if she and Liam are still a thing ’cause if not, they’d like to ask him out and make him choose which twin he likes more. These twins are sadistic and are gonna need a lot of therapy. Karma jokes that all three of them could just go together!

Sometimes at lunch we switch necklaces just to fuck with people

Oh yeah, and obviously Theo vetoes Tommy and thinks it’s just NONSENSE that Lauren could even consider it after what Tommy did to her. She reminds ANTHONY (that’s Theo’s real name, y’all) that forgiveness is pretty important, and if he hadn’t been responsible for busting a bunch of innocent kiddos and hippie parents who wanted a little THC in their afternoon snack, she could just be going to prom openly with him, her much-older boyfriend who, as we just learned from Sasha, could not make prom a Night To Remember under Texas law.

Okay FINE we can be C-3PO and R2-D2 for Halloween

Anthony: What if Tommy’s just asking so everyone forgives him? The entire school’s hated him since ever since they found out he dumped you for being intersex!
Lauren: Right. Because he couldn’t actually wanna go with me.

I mean, clearly that’s not what Anthony meant, but still: oops.

Turner’s rounded up all the visual artists and is gonna search their bags for some incriminating evidence regarding who “B” is so we can put this seemingly extraneous B-plot to bed.  Maybe they’ve got a bunch of burner phones or tiny Turner dolls with the eyes poked out in their transparent knapsacks. Of course, Liam confesses to being B even though he isn’t, because you know, Liam is a Martyr We’re Supposed to Love, but Penelope Delia Fisher won’t have it: she announces that SHE is B, and B is for “beaver.” I assume that’s a reference to Big Beaver Road in Suburban Detroit.

Your eyeballs look EXACTLY like Satan’s eyeballs and I won’t have it!

Turner tries to fire Penelope Delia Fisher but she says he can’t fire her because SHE QUITS. Before fleeing the scene, she tells Liam to carry the torch or else nothing will be left of the Spirit of Hester High. Okey doke.

Amy tries to convince Felix to ask Karma to prom but he’d really rather not, especially ’cause she loves prom and he hates it and that could be awkward. Amy hates it too, Felix, Amy hates it too! So the wheels of her brain turn and turn like a merry-go-round and VOILA: “Why don’t we just go together?”

How about now? Do I look surprised by this plot twist now?

Felix is thrilled, ’cause he’s obviously got a big fat lesbian crush on Amy and it’s only a matter of time before he releases a new video game about his unrequited love, Call of Donuty Hole. Karma pretends to be thrilled to hear that her roommate and her soulmate will be attending Lauren Junior Prom together but isn’t, ’cause she wanted to go with Amy because… she maybe also has a big fat lesbian crush on Amy? It’s hard to say, but it’s definitely what I want to happen.

Well, at least one same-sex couple will make it to the dance: Liam is bringing Freddy, a skeleton dressed up like a king.

Why yes I have decided to go in a new direction artistically

Lauren makes a big show of accepting Tommy’s invite in front of Anthony and gives Tommy a list of rules for the evening, including the rare flowers she requires in her corsage and probably her fave color of peanut butter M’n’Ms. Also, Sasha managed to get a job as a substitute teacher and just can’t wait to teach Liam a thing or two about student/teacher relations she picked up during her recent stint at Rosewood.

Are you proud of me? I found Penelope’s secret stash of used Trapper Keepers!

Felix wants to know why Amy told Karma that Felix asked Amy and not the other way around. Like, is this all just another weird scheme like pretty much everything else she’s ever done for as long as he has known either of them? Amy admits that she asked him ’cause she’s in love with Karma and is afraid that Karma playing with her hair, kissing her on the mouth, holding her hand and telling people how wonderful it is to be in love with her soulmate at Lauren Junior Prom might be more than her little heart can handle. Felix isn’t sure if he wants to go to Lauren Junior Prom as her “feelings airbag,” though.

I know. I feel sad about the VW emissions scandal too

Amy: Yeah, you’re right. And I appreciate you calling me on that. It kinda makes me wanna go with you more.
Felix: But just so you don’t have to go with Karma?
Amy: Well — yeah. But I mean, partially. I mean also you seem like a cool guy and we both hate prom, and making fun of the whole thing with you might make it almost bearable.
Felix: Well, I do admire your sarcasm. Let’s do it. And hey, now that the pressure’s off, I don’t even have to shower!

Sigh. I feel like I can’t judge ’til we see how it all pans out but for now: SIGH, this isn’t what I wanted for this show. Also, aren’t there other lesbians at Hester High that Amy could go with? COME ON. Even like, as lesbian friends? As gal pals? Isn’t that what we’re here for? Or are we here to be psychologically tortured by Karma, just like Amy is? Or are we here for melon balls? It’s hard to say.

Anyhow, Amy’s avoiding Karma feelings by going to prom with Felix… but how will Felix avoid his Amy feelings? More importantly, how will I avoid my “annoyed about Felix/Amy” feelings? WHAT ABOUT ME.

Karma has slithered herself into a black spandex ensemble reminiscent of the last scene of Grease, some really ambitious red sandal wedges, and is sucking on a lollipop in lieu of Sandra Dee’s signature cig. Apparently this is the best way to get a boy to ask you to Lauren Junior Prom, because why anything.

How the hell did she have time to go home and change into A COSTUME?

Tell me about it, stud.

Wade’s blown away by Karma’s hotness, even though Shane was mid-ask when Karma approached. Karma explains that she’s totally cool with him being bi and even dating both of them — or, you know, taking both of them to Lauren Junior Prom. TOTALLY cool. Unless Shane isn’t cool with it? Oh, don’t worry, Shane is cool with it. Totally cool with it.

So men really CAN be bisexual after all

DUH.

Next week, everybody will attend Lauren Junior Prom and I’ll stick my head in the punchbowl in search of vodka!

Heh heh heh

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