Back on the resplendent lawns of High High School for High Tide, Shane and Karma are hemming and hawing about their inability to manifest their crush to ask THEM to prom. Hey, Amy points out, they are strong men and women capable of gripping the reins of destiny and plowing forward into the sunset and the wide open plains of life and possibility! Why wait for the crush to ask them when THEY COULD ASK THE CRUSH?
Amy’s inspirational speech serves its lofty purpose, but when Karma and Shane both wave at the same dude across the grassy knoll, terror strikes their sea-spongey hearts when they realize they’ve been lusting after the same boy. It’s gonna be just like The Boy Is Mine.
Shane: You’ve obviously mistaken Wade’s friendliness for flirting!
Karma: Maybe you’ve misinterpreted his [word I can’t make out even after listening to it ten times]. Not everybody at this school is gay.
Shane: Yeah well not everyone at this school is in love with you.
They march right up to Wade and grill him like a rack of ribs: didn’t he call Karma cute the other day? Yes, he did, he finds Karma attractive and hot. But didn’t he tell Shane all about his ex-boyfriend and flirt with him at the PFLAG event? Yes, but it was his ex-girlfriend — Erin with an “E,” not a “AA” — however, he was indeed flirting. That is also true.
So what’s the deal, Wade? ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT?
Wade: I’m bi.
Wade: Had that not even occurred as a possibility to you two?
They stumble all over each other and themselves to say that it did, of course it did! Of course! Of course men can be bisexual too! Of course it’s not true that all women are bisexual and all men are gay or straight like they say it is on television! Of course not who would ever think a thing like that WHO WOULD EVER? So, welp: props to Faking It for introducing a male bisexual character. Seriously, that’s very cool! However, it does not replace my need for Amy to have a nice relationship with a lady, maybe with Emily Fields. They can just lie to each other all day and then tongue kiss. Anyhow, Wade somehow likes both Shane and Karma, but would like some time to decide who he’d rather take to Lauren Junior Prom.
Forgetting that Wade just expressed his desire to decide himself who he’d like to take to Lauren Junior Prom, Karma suggests to Shane that they figure out a “civil” way to decide who Wade’s gonna take to prom themselves. Shane’s not worried, though, ’cause he’s got ignorant stereotypes on his side!
Shane: No need for that. I’m going with Wade because Wade is gay.
Karma: Um, he JUST told us he was bi.
Shane: The bi label is just a step in the coming out process. It goes: drunken hookup, curious, bi, full-blown gay, Elton John.
Shane’s willing to write off the ex-girlfriend as part of Wade’s Magical Muff-Diving Mystery Tour, too, but Karma recalls Shane saying that Amy might be bi, so why couldn’t Wade also be bi?
Shane: It’s different for girls.
Karma: WHOA. That is a ridiculous double-standard, really close-minded, and hypocritical. If girls can be bi, so can guys.
Karma’s not sure if Shane genuinely believes these things he says or if he’s just trying to fuck with her head, and to further confuse her, Shane says that even if Wade likes her just a little bit, he’ll still pick Shane, because Shane’s a guy and guys know what guys want. That’s not true, everybody knows what guys want, they wrote the Constitution! They want lots of guns, free speech and the right to remain silent. They also want to visit tiny villages to they can feel big and sometimes they want to save baby seals who have been stranded in a herd of cows in England. There. Now we’re all on the same page.
Amy tells Karma she can’t give up on Wade so easy! She’s gotta keep trying, like that man did who saved the baby seals! But Karma just doesn’t have faith in her ability to out-seduce Shane in the Battle of the Bi Boys, which’s like the Battle of the Bands, but with more Elton Johns.
Amy wants Karma to go with Felix, so she dashes off to make that happen and then a set of twins show up to ask Karma if she and Liam are still a thing ’cause if not, they’d like to ask him out and make him choose which twin he likes more. These twins are sadistic and are gonna need a lot of therapy. Karma jokes that all three of them could just go together!
Oh yeah, and obviously Theo vetoes Tommy and thinks it’s just NONSENSE that Lauren could even consider it after what Tommy did to her. She reminds ANTHONY (that’s Theo’s real name, y’all) that forgiveness is pretty important, and if he hadn’t been responsible for busting a bunch of innocent kiddos and hippie parents who wanted a little THC in their afternoon snack, she could just be going to prom openly with him, her much-older boyfriend who, as we just learned from Sasha, could not make prom a Night To Remember under Texas law.
Anthony: What if Tommy’s just asking so everyone forgives him? The entire school’s hated him since ever since they found out he dumped you for being intersex!
Lauren: Right. Because he couldn’t actually wanna go with me.
I mean, clearly that’s not what Anthony meant, but still: oops.
Turner’s rounded up all the visual artists and is gonna search their bags for some incriminating evidence regarding who “B” is so we can put this seemingly extraneous B-plot to bed. Maybe they’ve got a bunch of burner phones or tiny Turner dolls with the eyes poked out in their transparent knapsacks. Of course, Liam confesses to being B even though he isn’t, because you know, Liam is a Martyr We’re Supposed to Love, but Penelope Delia Fisher won’t have it: she announces that SHE is B, and B is for “beaver.” I assume that’s a reference to Big Beaver Road in Suburban Detroit.
Turner tries to fire Penelope Delia Fisher but she says he can’t fire her because SHE QUITS. Before fleeing the scene, she tells Liam to carry the torch or else nothing will be left of the Spirit of Hester High. Okey doke.
Amy tries to convince Felix to ask Karma to prom but he’d really rather not, especially ’cause she loves prom and he hates it and that could be awkward. Amy hates it too, Felix, Amy hates it too! So the wheels of her brain turn and turn like a merry-go-round and VOILA: “Why don’t we just go together?”
Felix is thrilled, ’cause he’s obviously got a big fat lesbian crush on Amy and it’s only a matter of time before he releases a new video game about his unrequited love, Call of Donuty Hole. Karma pretends to be thrilled to hear that her roommate and her soulmate will be attending Lauren Junior Prom together but isn’t, ’cause she wanted to go with Amy because… she maybe also has a big fat lesbian crush on Amy? It’s hard to say, but it’s definitely what I want to happen.
Well, at least one same-sex couple will make it to the dance: Liam is bringing Freddy, a skeleton dressed up like a king.
Lauren makes a big show of accepting Tommy’s invite in front of Anthony and gives Tommy a list of rules for the evening, including the rare flowers she requires in her corsage and probably her fave color of peanut butter M’n’Ms. Also, Sasha managed to get a job as a substitute teacher and just can’t wait to teach Liam a thing or two about student/teacher relations she picked up during her recent stint at Rosewood.
Felix wants to know why Amy told Karma that Felix asked Amy and not the other way around. Like, is this all just another weird scheme like pretty much everything else she’s ever done for as long as he has known either of them? Amy admits that she asked him ’cause she’s in love with Karma and is afraid that Karma playing with her hair, kissing her on the mouth, holding her hand and telling people how wonderful it is to be in love with her soulmate at Lauren Junior Prom might be more than her little heart can handle. Felix isn’t sure if he wants to go to Lauren Junior Prom as her “feelings airbag,” though.
Amy: Yeah, you’re right. And I appreciate you calling me on that. It kinda makes me wanna go with you more.
Felix: But just so you don’t have to go with Karma?
Amy: Well — yeah. But I mean, partially. I mean also you seem like a cool guy and we both hate prom, and making fun of the whole thing with you might make it almost bearable.
Felix: Well, I do admire your sarcasm. Let’s do it. And hey, now that the pressure’s off, I don’t even have to shower!
Sigh. I feel like I can’t judge ’til we see how it all pans out but for now: SIGH, this isn’t what I wanted for this show. Also, aren’t there other lesbians at Hester High that Amy could go with? COME ON. Even like, as lesbian friends? As gal pals? Isn’t that what we’re here for? Or are we here to be psychologically tortured by Karma, just like Amy is? Or are we here for melon balls? It’s hard to say.
Anyhow, Amy’s avoiding Karma feelings by going to prom with Felix… but how will Felix avoid his Amy feelings? More importantly, how will I avoid my “annoyed about Felix/Amy” feelings? WHAT ABOUT ME.
Karma has slithered herself into a black spandex ensemble reminiscent of the last scene of Grease, some really ambitious red sandal wedges, and is sucking on a lollipop in lieu of Sandra Dee’s signature cig. Apparently this is the best way to get a boy to ask you to Lauren Junior Prom, because why anything.
Wade’s blown away by Karma’s hotness, even though Shane was mid-ask when Karma approached. Karma explains that she’s totally cool with him being bi and even dating both of them — or, you know, taking both of them to Lauren Junior Prom. TOTALLY cool. Unless Shane isn’t cool with it? Oh, don’t worry, Shane is cool with it. Totally cool with it.
Next week, everybody will attend Lauren Junior Prom and I’ll stick my head in the punchbowl in search of vodka!