Welcome to the second recap of the second season of Faking It, an educational television program for children from the same network that brought you The Pauly D Project.
We open in the avant-garde industrial art studio of Hester High, where some kids are seemingly designing a new non-functional lamp for IKEA and Karma is breathlessly returning an ironed workshirt to her hunk of burning man-love, Liam.
Both parties speak as if they’ve recently been exhumed from oxygen-depravation tanks and Karma nearly has an asthma attack when she spots Liam’s art-project-in-progress — he put a bunch of nails in a heart!
I’d suggest that a better approach would be to send an actual pig’s heart to Karma’s house in a cardboard box like Neal’s ex-girlfriend did on Valentine’s Day in The Real World IV: London, but I’m pretty sure these kids weren’t even born yet when that season aired, so.
Elsewhere on the resplendent plains of Hester High School, Amy tells Shane that she and Karma are having a Girls’ Weekend. But not the kind of “girls weekend” you have with your girlfriend where you have oral sex, watch If These Walls Could Talk 2 and stir-fry everything in your CPA box, the kind of “girls weekend” where there’s no lesbian action, just lesbian subtext. Like Once Upon a Time!
Amy insists to a disbelieving Shane that she’s glad she confessed her love to Karma even though Karma doesn’t feel the same way, and that things will only be weird if they make it weird.
Shane: Amy, you just handed Karma your heart and she chopped it up like a spicy tuna roll!
Amy: Hey, she’s not the enemy. We both did some pretty messed up things.
Shane: She lied about being a lesbian to be popular and sleep with Liam. What do you have to be guilty about?
Before things get awkward, Liam lumbers up to make things extra-awkward, and thus Amy awkwardly excuses herself while Shane explains to Liam that they were just talking about “gay stuff.” Shane reminds Liam that they’ve signed up for a Frozen Sing-A-Long marathon that evening, so I guess we’re still talking about “gay stuff,” eh? Regardless, Liam’s got too much soupy clay in his noggin to convey proper levels of excitement regarding the bromantic evening ahead.
We then sashay over to Amy’s little room of love and pillows, where Amy’s reviewing Karma’s schedule for Girls Night. Thus far, it includes eating Snickerdoodles and taking trashy magazine quizzes. Throw in some Crystal Clear Pepsi, a box of Cheez-Its and a Boyz II Men CD and you’ve got every sleepover I attended in 7th grade. Oh and they’re gonna hate-watch Twilight. Doesn’t anyone break into their parents liquor cabinet and get wasted on Kaluha anymore?
Karma announces it’s time to get naked and put on some sweatpants, but the sight of her half-naked torso is MORE THAN AMY CAN BEAR.
Karma: I’m sorry. Is this weird? I’m just trying to act normal.
Amy: WHAT? No, yeah, totally! It’s just my face is doing this — because I REALLY need to pee.
Flabbergasted and falling all over herself, a super-cool Amy darts into the bathroom, where Lauren apparently hasn’t locked the door in order to warm the porcelain in private. These girls don’t know A THING about sharing a bathroom!
Amy, still flustered by Karma’s matronly lingerie, refuses to leave and instead ends up inviting Lauren to join the All Night Tonight Girls Weekend Kickoff Snickerdoodle Snack Sesh Slumber Party.
Back at Blue Hippie Oasis High School, Liam’s car is parked in the middle of the parking lot with a flat tire!
He feels really bad about himself until a black person shows up and then he remembers all of his privileges and feels better JUST KIDDING, they start talking and become fast friends!
Theo’s glad that he’s not the only one having a shitty day:
Theo: I just moved here from Decatur to live with my Grandma ’cause my pops went to prison for sleeping with one of his patients.
Liam: That sucks.
Theo: Yeah, and he’s a veterinarian.
Theo: Nah, just kidding, he’s a pediatrician.
[longer more awkward silence]
Theo: No, not really! Wow, you’re gullible.
Liam: Yeah, guess I am.
Theo: He’s a mortician. But leading with the other two makes it sound better.
Theo says he’ll help Liam change his tire if he can get a ride home and also he wants to know WTF is up with the tempeh in the cafeteria. HIPPIES.
Back at GRRRLS Night, Karma and Amy are trying to enjoy their post-cookie-eating caloric remorse but Lauren’s bored and also feels very cold.
While Lauren is using the ladies room /SNOOPING LIKE THE SNOOPER SHE IS / Karma turns to Amy for the scoop on why Lauren was invited here in the first place. Because seriously if they’re not having a threesome then what the fresh hell is this madness. Amy insists she just feels sorry for Lauren ’cause Lauren is embarrassed about being intersex, which has made her seem more human. Karma agrees and mourns the loss of the days when she was able to hate Lauren purely and absolutely without any tinge of human compassion.
Elsewhere in this sleepy suburb that looks nothing like Austin, Shane’s rolling up to Liam’s crib dressed like a weird viking, but finds his bro in a car with Theo, another bro.
Shane’s shocked to see his bro parked with another bro, but gamely goes along with it:
Shane: Oh, you can be Elsa! I have the dress. I was gonna wear it, but it felt, expected?
Theo: No I’m good.
Liam suggests they ditch the Frozen sing-a-long for a dive bar out of town that doesn’t card that Theo suggested, and Shane’s little face sinks right into the sea.
Back at Girls Night, the “hate-watching Twilight” part of the evening has commenced, an activity which the girls participate in sans audio, allegedly so they can talk the whole time but probably ’cause buying the rights to Twilight was too expensive for this little production.
Karma thinks Edward Cullen is dreamy, because OF COURSE SHE DOES. Then Amy’s hand and Karma’s hand almost meet in the popcorn bowl and they both immediately eject their hands from the buttery bowl like total weirdos. Probably Karma thinks that’s how lesbians have sex, so you can’t blame her for being weary. It’s a very mysterious act.
Re: Edward Cullen:
Amy: He’s paler than a marshmallow, you could watch a movie off his forehead!
Karma wants Lauren to back her up on Team Edward but Lauren, the crafty little minx that she is, sees a golden opportunity to exploit the Twilight plot as a device to hammer away at Karma and Amy’s present situation. Lauren says Bella’s a bit young for Edward, but..
Lauren: Then again, there’s something irresistible about a rich brooding bad boy.
Amy: They’re always scowling at each other! They don’t look like they’re having a good time.
Karma: Of course they are, he’s her OTP!
Lauren: One True Pairing. She means they’re soulmates.
Lauren: But then again, maybe Jacob’s her soulmate. After all, he’s been her loyal friend for her whole life…
You see where we’re going with this, dontcha, ladies?
Amy: SO LOYAL! Maybe she’s been too dazzled by Edward’s disco-ball skin to see that they’d be perfect for each other!
Karma: But she doesn’t feel that way about Jacob, even if part of her wishes that she did.
Amy: Maybe if she tried.
Karma: SHE’S IN LOVE WITH EDWARD!
Lauren: Jeez, are we still talking about Twilight?
After what I imagine was a thrilling commercial break, we return to The Rocking Girls Night Super Fun Party, now with extra Leila and Lisbeth!
Lisbeth selfiebrates with Amy and then apologizes for sitting in between the lesbian lovebirds, but before this lovebird conversation can go any further, Amy yanks Lauren out of the room for some Sister Sister time.
Amy wants to know why Lauren invited her super-cool friends to their exclusive party, and Lauren says she overheard everything Amy said about her and Amy says, “of course you did, that’s your signature move.” Lauren says she knows she’s only been invited to ease the post-confession awkward factor between Karma and Amy.
Amy insists nothing’s awkward at all seriously not one thing everything is totally out in the open everybody feels great about everything everything is awesome just like the song everything is awesome it’s so good super great YES all of it just excellent fantastic. So what now?
Lauren has an idea: TRUTH OR DARE! Okay really this is just like my 7th grade sleepovers, who brought the Ouija board.
Just outside of shiny little Austin, Texas, Shane and Liam and Theo walk into a bar that is basically the opposite of a Frozen sing-a-long.
Shane: “Oh right, I live in Texas.”
Back at Girl Talk: The Night, Amy has apparently dared Lauren to drink something gross. This is a weak game of Truth or Dare, y’all.
Lauren downs it like a champ, and then dares Karma to kiss Amy for sixty seconds… with tongue. Lisbeth and Leila are VERY EXCITED about this and so am I so why are we cutting to…