The Low-Down on The L Word Spinoff, “The Farm”

[UPDATE: The information contained below about The L Word spinoff is true. Um, I’ve had multiple notices that everyone thinks I’m kidding ’cause I’m always making stuff up about this show when I’m bored with what they’re giving me. But I swear, I’m telling the truth! I’ve got the scoop!] [UPDATE 2! The Weblog Awards are actual awards that actually matter, I swear, and today Friday the 21st is the last day they’re accepting nominations for Best LGBT blog. So gimme a nod, if you got a minute. Thanks!!]

Okay now to the ACTUAL BLOG POST!

Carly and I are gonna do an SON double-header next week instead of doing a recap this week, ’cause I’m totally swamped in work. But I’m not too swamped to update you, RE: the recent discussion of who’s head is gonna get blown off in Season Six, that I have reason to believe that Alice’s spin-off won’t be taking place in heaven. Therefore, there’ll be no Dana Ghost Sex, thus eliminating “The Dana Ghost Sex Theory.” The Spin-Off is called The Farm, and Alice will be playing Winston the Pig. JK, she’s way too cute for that! She’ll be playing Alice, obvs, but so far I haven’t been able to find out if any of the other roles have already been cast, which affects my “Shane-is-Untouchable” theory as well.

I know what you’re thinking — doesn’t that mean Haviland Stillwell Gorgeous should probs be in The Farm?

Well, I’m not a professional, but yes! Haviland would be a hot “Tootsie Freed,” the twentysomething supermodel-scrawny hard drug and co-dependent relationship addict … hard core, hard living and hard partying … just like hpsdiva herself.

Actually that’s basically the opposite of Haviland’s personality except for the part where Tootsie is secretly loyal to the bone and knows more than you think she knows. Luckily, Hav’s a fantastic actress. I know this ’cause I’ve been editing footage of her all day for this other teevee project that’s taking up a lot of my time. That’s real love and friendship everyone, just ask Tootsie, she’ll blow your head off. Actually I may be losing my mind a little, but I’m still right. Will Haviland be annoyed that I have started a private casting campaign on her behalf? I hope not [probably yes]. I’m certain she’ll agree with me about this casting decision, as we agree on everything.

It’s kinda hard to figure out what the F this show is gonna be about. Word has it that it’s taking place in London, and based on the characters I think it’s gonna be serious hard core Bad Girls shit. OMG! What if Alice is gonna be the one who kills someone, and then gets sent to the Mental Hospital a.k.a. The Funny Farm, and that’s why it’s called The Farm!

[Holy shit, if they place this show in a mental institution and don’t hire me to write it with my personal expertise on the subject (see: ex-girlfriend) I am going to go crazy and check myself in.]

Here’s the character descriptions from the breakdown put out by IC’s people (with my special notes in a different font at the end).

THE FARM
Pilot Presentation
(“The L Word” Spin-off)
SHOWTIME
SAG

ALICE PIESZECKI (CAST): LEISHA HAILEY

[WADE DAWSON] Mid-20s (25), any ethnicity, female. Wade Dawson is cocky and handsome. She?s on a strict diet of anti-psychotics to combat her violent outbursts?an internal rage that Wade also self-medicates with sex of the intense, indiscreet variety. Her internal struggle is enough to almost break your heart?until you remember how easily she could break you… Based on the life story of Riese.

[GRACIELA MARTINEZ] Late 20s, Latina or African American. Graciela Martinez is a known gang leader with a history of drugs, robbery, assault, you name it. Her compadres on the street might look up to her as a mother but Graciela reserves her true mothering instincts for her two young children at home whom she loves deeply and would do anything to protect… Like Phyllis but with dead bodies instead of advanced education degrees.

[VALENTINA GALINDO] Late 30s, any ethnicity. Valentina Galindo is a character of mythical proportions. Some would tell you she’s a hardened gangster who’s ordered more murders than all her male counterparts put together. Others would testify she’s a community activist and organizer and certainly her humble appearance, evident intelligence and articulate manner would vouch for the same…
she’s been known to pal around with Bill Ayers.

[MARGARET ELDER] Late 30s or early 40s, African American or Caucasian. Margaret Elder is full of a deep seeded, perhaps ruthless, ambition that has allowed her to excel in life and career, far ahead of her peers and even her superiors. Bitingly sarcastic at times, Elder is a hard ass, tough-as-nails woman?and by no means a feminist. But even Elder?s roughest edges can?t entirely hide her nascent good looks and attractive figure… Basically Bette Porter, but bad-ass.

[HELEN MILLER] Early 40s, Caucasian. Helen Miller is seemingly no nonsense and undramatic, leaving her hard to read. Despite her sometimes affectless manner, Miller is a woman of conscience who cares about things like justice, dignity and humanity. Where others might tow the line, Miller is willing to go against the status quo to set things right… Probs I imagine will be ready to reach across the aisle like a Maverick. An actual Maverick, not just one who talks crazy and wanders around aimlessly on the teevee.

[SHERI SILVA] Mid 30s to early 40s, Latina or Caucasian. Sheri Silva is of a weathered prettiness, delicate and prepossessing ?- the kind to make friends fast. Flirtatious (though she?d never
admit it) and manipulative to the core, she works hard to make relationships work for her… Likes things her way, right away, like they do at Burger King.

[TOOTSIE FREED] Late 20s, Caucasian. Tootsie is wiry and thin from a diet of drugs that have left her clingy and needy to both illicit substances and interdependent relationships. She may appear reticent and withdrawn in public, but she knows far more about who?s who and what?s up than you?d think. Underneath, Tootsie is fiercely possessive and will fight you to the death if you cross her… will obviously be played by Haviland Stillwell.


There you go! E-I-E-I-O!!!! Also Haviland & I are filming an episode of Alexi’s Closet for AfterEllen this weekend, which’s gonna be hilarious. Clearly I am a fashion expert, I’ve already picked out what sweatpants I’m gonna wear.


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now — she is currently plotting her return to the West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2384 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. 0

    wait, what? is the title/casting info true? i’m so confused.

    i think you’re right re: storyline. either that or alice buys a farm in london (?) and it’s the story of her trials and tribulations therein.

  2. 0

    Totally true. I’m a journalist, I went to journalism school like sarah palin. Actually i didn’t, I’m just savvy.

    I would love to see those characters on a farm. Really you know what I would love to see per ushe …

    HIJINKS!

  3. 0

    ok this is insane, all of this information. after careful consideration, i think you are correct. i think alice is going to kill someone and end up in london in a psych ward. yup. totes.

  4. 0

    the FARM?! really, Illene, really?

    Okay that’s a dumb name, seriously. Now how am I supposed to convince people to watch this teevee show? “Watch it, it’s awesome! It’s called the Farm!”

    Whatevs. I just need to watch Leisha Hailey cause she’s so cute.

  5. 0

    “Watch it, it’s awesome! It’s called the Farm!”

    LMFAO!! It’s going to be a nightmare–are they hoping to capture new, mid-western, Bible Belt viewers with this title, or something?

    P.S. Why London? Originally they were supposed to shoot in L.A., now they’re shooting (at least the pilot) in Vancouver, so where does London fit in? Do you think they really want to set it in London?

    If they think they can do lesbian better than the Brits they are severely mistaken! Evidence: Bad Girls. Campy, yes. Good, YES. Sugar Rush. Hilarious, YES. Better than The L Word, YES!

  6. 0

    I’m hearing its prison not a psych ward. Neither are very appealing. How can Chaiken do this to Alice? I love Leisha Hailey but can I really stick around to watch her in lock down?! Dead Alice with Dead Dana would have been a stretch but I could have found a way to manage that. This? Not so much.

  7. 0

    Hi Riese – Apologies for the mis-attribution on AfterEllen.com. I was sent the direct link to the spoiler page on TheLWordOnline.com by an AE reader, and unfortunately, TheLWordOnline doesn’t cite you as the source on that page, only on their homepage, which I never saw (websites are supposed to cite the source on the same page as the information itself, to avoid exactly this kind of situation).

    Long story short: I’ve changed Karman’s text to cite your blog as the source. Thanks for the tip off on the pilot info, and now that I’ve discovered your blog, I’ll be back to read more!

    PS I loved your line “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a website, asking you to love me.” Very funny. 🙂

    PSS If you have tips for us in the future, you can send them to afterellentips@gmail.com, and I promise we’ll cite you 😉

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