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Christmas is almost here, and whether you’re the type that got your shopping done in October or the type that is scrambling right this second, it can be a stressful time of year. What brings me joy this season is thinking of the absolute cherub that is my niece, her excitement for gifts, and her laughter at her favorite Christmas movies.
I also, as you may know, love to speculate about what is and is not gay. I call it reclaiming, or maybe it’s just straight-up claiming. There are so many Christmas traditions, so many that are pretty straight and some that are rather gay. So, I’m ranking them from straight to sapphic, and of course, justifying my answers.
9. It’s a Wonderful Life rewatch
I should preface this by saying I’ve never seen this movie. But, I know enough about it to know it’s heterosexual propaganda. Truly any movie with a straight white man as the lead cannot be giving very much lesbian energy to begin with, so this tradition is one that I’m labeling as bitingly hetero.
8. Making Grandma’s famous cookies
Gingerbread cookies are the cookie of the season. I used to make them all the time with my mom and make up little stories about each cookie. This is a fairly innocuous tradition. It’s not explicitly gay or straight, it just kind of is.
7. Decorating the Christmas tree
As I put this list together, I’m realizing that many of these traditions are a little fruity, including this one. What’s more gay than putting little homemade trinkets and pictures of your baby self on a tree that you have adorned with bright lights? This used to be my most loved tradition, but then I became an edgy teenager and thought I was above it much like many of us do. Decorating the tree is just about having a pretty centerpiece, which is how I look to think of gay people: the focal point in a room of averageness.
6. Singing along to Christmas music
This tradition is separate from caroling because it’s done alone or with your chosen family. You sing with abandon, brazen and bold, not caring that you missed a note. A gay person that can sing is the center of attention, as they like to be, during this holiday season. I’ve already ranked classic Christmas songs by their lesbian energy, so put on Let it Snow – Boyz II Men ft. Brian McKnight and get to singin!
Singing is gay. Using your voice to express splendor for the season is just really gay, I don’t know what else to tell you. The act of caroling is especially queer because you’re going to stranger’s houses and spreading the gospel with your little runs and trills. It’s just so…much! so extra!
4. Sipping hot cocoa/mulled wine/cider by the fire
Picture this: you are in the coziest cream sweater ever made. Standing by a window frosted over with ice crystals, a mug in hand, steam nuzzling your nose as you burrow deeper into the rich cashmere. A fire roars behind you. This is gay. Why? Because it is all about the sensations. The smells, the taste, the touch, the sounds. Very homosexual!
3. Making snow angels
If you have the impulse to leap into a mound of snow and lay there, wiggling your arms and legs to make an…angel? You’re gay.
2. Wrapping gifts and shopping/making gifts
Despite the “women be shopping” joke, I feel like lesbians love handmaking gifts more than they love buying them. This isn’t to say we never shop, hell, I do! But something about handmaking a gift and then carefully wrapping it, tying it with a bow, and labeling it with your best script is a queer tradition at heart.
1. Kissing under the mistletoe
I think making up an excuse to kiss someone is pretty dykey. Like “oh, would you look at that! There’s a plant above our heads, guess we should um…lock lips or whatever :)” This is for the kind of lesbian that isn’t brave enough to ask “can I kiss you?” or isn’t reading the I want to kiss you body language from their date very well. Kissing in your oversized Christmas sweater at the party is giving first gay Hallmark movie and I kind of love it.
I realize I’ve left out many traditions in this one, so tell me, what’s the gayest Christmas tradition you can think of?