Christina Aguilera: Girls Are Pretty, Crazy, Fun, But Nothing Compares to Penis

CHRISTINA AGUILERA:

Christina is all over the June issue of OUT magazine:

I don’t get to kiss all the girls and the boys,” she says. “But my husband knows that I get into girls. I think it’s fun to be open and play.”

Nevertheless, Aguilera knows what this girl wants. “I don’t think I could ever really be with a woman because that’s a lot of…” Aguilera pauses. “Yeah, there’s a lot of estrogen and I’m a lot to deal with when it’s that time of the month, so I can’t imagine it times two.” She then shakes her head and adds, “And you know, I love dick. To be honest, that I cannot live without.”

She may not ever be with a woman, but make no mistake, she has the full support of her gay cadre. Aguilera’s friend and collaborator Sia explains, “I feel like Christina’s probably supporting the majority of the lesbian scene in Los Angeles because she really only works with gaylords, like her dog walker, her personal trainer, her cowriters.” As Stein puts it, “Bisexual or not, Aguilera is queer in the word’s most literal sense.”

Seriously. Seriously now. That is just the most annoying thing in the world to say. You can buy a penis if that’s your primary concern. And although wearing a strap-on does not feel like being a man with a penis, being fucked by one does not feel all that incredibly different so JUST STOP SAYING THAT THING.

Remember last year when Pink was asked about her bisexuality, and she said, “I never said I haven’t [been with a woman]. I just said, going forward, I like penis.” That was annoying too.

Let’s refresh. These things are boring, and we are over hearing them:

1. Girls are crazy and have so many feelings!
2. I love penis!

Can’t you just say, “I’m straight! But kissing girls is fun!” Because you know, that’s fine. It is fun! Some lesbians like to kiss boys too for fun. Kissing is fun! We should all kiss each other a lot!

Also, there’s now an Xtina version of the hilarious Gaga/Illuminati rant we posted a few weeks ago. Enjoy. (@vigilantcitizen)

TEEN / GAY / OUT:

So, remember when the world was flat and you were a closeted teenager? Hopefully some of you are thinking, “Um, no…” because you’ve been out and proud since you could articulate complex sentences. M. Sharkey’s project, Queer Kids, celebrates some brave m*therfuckers. (The original article, The Battle For Gay Teens, was published in October 2005 in TIME Magazine.)

GLEE:

Do you want your Glee an hour earlier? Yeah? Then I bet you’re totally happy to learn that Fox is probably rescheduling Glee for 8 p.m. EST. High five! (@variety)

ALSO: Listen to the Glee cast singing “Bad Romance” (we can’t figure out who’s singing what, and we can’t wait ’til we find out):

(@johnmoon)

LAW & ORDER:

Law & Order is about to be shelved for good, and Riese may not make it out alive. Facebook got Betty White on SNL, maybe it can also save this BASTION OF MODERN ENTERTAINMENT?

BIANCA:

All My Children has recast its lesbian character: Eden Riegel, who won an Emmy as Bianca Montgomery, left the show and has now been replaced by Christina Bennett Lind. (@hollywoodnews)

PLAYING STRAIGHT:

Another list of gay people who are good at playing straight people, this time from OUT Magazine. (@out)

POWER COUPLES:

Vice magazine does power couples like no one else, and we’re enamored. (@viceland)

EILEEN MYLES !!!!!! and Leopoldine

Cass Bird & Family

JOKES:

Bitch magazine explains problematic jokes and why some sh*t just isn’t funny. (@bitch)

HOT 100:

AfterEllen has a list of hot girls or something. It’s a giant deal, it’s like the presidential election. Olivia Wilde won though. I know that b/c I saw it on Grace the Spot.  Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, we also have a list of real, live Hot Girls. Maybe you are one of them!


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now — she is currently plotting her return to the West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2393 articles for us.

66 Comments

  1. 0

    The male in the Glee track is Chris Colfer, I’m pretty sure. I think I read somewhere that the Lady Gaga track is just Kurt and the girls. Also I think Amber Riley (Mercedes) is singing most of the female lead parts.

  2. 0

    Girls are crazy and have a lot of feelings. I see it everyday. I couldn;t deal with that. Also I would imagine there is a difference between a real penis and a fake one.

    Any hot list that does not have Sofia Vergara (http://bit.ly/d86Rpu) in it is null and void imo. I can forgive not mentioning some other lesser known hotties but this is ridiculous.

    Shakira is also hot(http://bit.ly/ak1jjG). A fact frequently and unfortunately ignored.

    • 0

      mmmmmshakira!

      girls are crazay, that’s true, but there really is no difference between a real penis and fake one, except that a fake one won’t ejaculate anywhere at all. ever. never ever. there will never be semen. oh, and it’s always hard, so it’s only finished when you are.

      but other than that, no difference.

      • 0

        there are other differences! for instance you can not wear a fake dick when you don’t want to use it, which means it doesn’t poke you in the back in the middle of the night because someone is dreaming about sofia vergara. also depending on what they’re made out of they can be sterilized. real penises = NOT STERILE. at all.

        • 0

          i’m enjoying our bisexual penis roundtable right now, i’d like to attest to both of those points. also you can pick the size of a fake penis. But really the primary difference is the fucking cleanup.

          • 0

            You know what I find super exciting? VARIETY – size doesn’t even begin to cover it. Plus, half the time at my house it’s ladies choice, which is so gentlemanly, so polite. “Tonight I think I’d like to be buggered by this one, thank you ever so much.”

            Why AREN’T more girls into Shakira? She’s a personal favorite, alongside old-school Monica Belluci and Nicole Kidman. Also: Eva Green.

          • 0

            I fucking love Shakira! I even like her music. She is a good song writer, very unique. She is SO pretty, very sexy but never slutty or over the top. She so tiny and sweet but can really turn it on! Love her! I am looking for tickets to her show right now.

        • 0

          actually… no. for me as a gay lady the upside of this whole fake-thing is: no man attached to it, plus breasts. and for the connection level: it is still there. so much there. I mean, you can feel, uhm, things.

          • 0

            Haha. yeah. I know the reciever feels but I am talking about the giver. And the way the giver connects feels and responds because it is actually part of his body. You know?

          • 0

            well, there’s always the option of being both the giver and the receiver. Like, at the same time. 😉

          • 0

            For some folks the dildo is close enough or on top the clit, so it the stimulation from thrusting can get them off too.

            Different strokes for different folks, literally!

          • 0

            There are many ways to be responsive while “giving”. External stimulation, the feeldoe, you name it. At least I am, and the connection is amazing. For me it is THE connection, no other connection comes close. I don’t need my skin to touch the inner skin of the vagina to be connected; with a woman my nervous fiber receptors bloom, glow, flourish, which no man and no skin-to-skin contact can ever do.

      • 0

        For me what matters is the person behind it and I will never be able to love a man the way I love a woman. The dick alone has no meaning to me, and a woman who “can wear” a dick (if you know what I mean) simply doesn’t compare to any man. The rest are irrelevant technicalities.

  3. 0

    I have to say though I have a lot more respect for someone who will say “girls are fun to mess around with but I need the cock” than someone who won’t say that and will get into your bed and mess with your head instead.

      • 0

        Lol possibly. But if someone’s upfront enough to say this is me having some fun and then bailing then it’s kinda your own fault if you still let them in your bed and get your head messed with.

        • 0

          True story: I was at a party the other night. Some girls were telling their coming out stories.

          One chick was all, “I came out super recently to my mom, after making THE BIGGEST MISTAKE A LESBIAN CAN EVER MAKE, LIKE EVER,” and I was all, “ZOMG, did you take the last tampon? So rude!” and she was all, “NO, I FELL IN LOVE WITH A STRAIGHT GIRL, WAIL!”

          That is all.

          • 0

            That’s like a lesbian rite of passage along with sleeping with your best friend on New Years (My latest theory, anyone else ever done that?)

          • 0

            Sleeping with your best friend: check.
            Falling in love with a straight girl: check.

            Great, now I hope to be done with rites of passage and fall in love with a lesbian who loves me back 😛

  4. 0

    I think I’m going to play a drinking game. I will guess who is singing what in the Glee “Bad Romance” and then watch the episode. For every one that I get correct, I will take a drink. Which means I get to take a drink every time I correctly guess “everyone” or “all the girls.” This is no-lose situation.

  5. 0

    “Can’t you just say, “I’m straight! But kissing girls is fun!” Because you know, that’s fine.”

    Oh, but (whine) you guys! If celebrities said THAT, what would the headlines be about? Where’s the fun in even MENTIONING kissing girls if you don’t get to be a big splashy headline labelwhore about it?!!?!?! (Wah-wah-wah, Katy Perry.) No, no, no. 7 out of 10 publicists agree, “kissing girls” is so Kelly Clarkson circa Since U Been Gone. You might as well be wearing a shiny braided headband in the middle of your forehead and go crawl into a can of PBR already. JEEZ.

    Besides, it’s PEEN. All girls should have a real man, right?

  6. 0

    I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve just listened to that Glee & Bad Romance song – thank yoouu for that – Can always count on AS to put a smile back on my chops! Also is this the episode that Joss Whedon has directed and is also starring NPH?

    p.s, Missed this site yesterday, you had me worried,I thought the hotness of the top100 had perhaps caused a meltdown!

  7. 0

    Ok, Autostraddle, Riese, I fucking love you so so much but you’re being super hypocritical about Xtina’s quote. Gaga has said the EXACT SAME THING and you’re her super fans.

    Quotes:

    -“When asked if she could see herself falling for a woman, she said, ‘Of course. There are no rules or limits when it comes to love. But I see love as separate from sex. And I happen to love male sexuality. Men have something I lack, but that I really value.’”

    http://www.showbizspy.com/article/201331/lady-gaga-could-love-a-lady.html

    What is it that she lacks that they have? A big dick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVpVZqfB-Qc

    And I know this she’s moderated her stance on this a bit, but here’s the oldie-but-goldie –

    “I’m not a feminist – I, I hail men, I love men. I celebrate American male culture, and beer, and bars and muscle cars…”

    http://bitchmagazine.org/post/lady-gaga-im-not-a-feminist-i-hail-men-i-love-men

    In conclusion, celebrities say stupid presumptuous bullshit about sexuality and get shit wrong. Can we at least hold them all to the same standard?

    I will now go back to stanning for AS.

    • 0

      well she was kidding about the big dick thing because she was annoyed by the interviewer’s questions. but yeah we were not impressed by that feminist statement and were glad she backtracked on it.

      I feel like she’s contradicted herself about bisexuality a few times — which can either mean she’s clarifying her stance, doesn’t know what it means, or is being dumb about it in which case I would not support that or like it.

      • 0

        I have so many mixed feelings about Lady Gaga. The feminist quote is from last year, but the first quote is from March. I know a lot of people really identity with and appreciate the representation of queer/gender-nonconforming women and folks in her videos, but I kinda wish that her interviews matched that, you know?

        The other part is that no queer theorist has become an international mega pop star yet, so until then we’re going to have to deal with our idols being flawed. And saying dumb things about penises.

      • 0

        Lady Gaga is growing up. Let her change her mind. She’s only 23, compared to some of us she’s from another generation.

        I used to have a friend who was all about “I love dick, there’s nothing like dick”, etc. but guess what? She’s dating a woman now and she’s happy! In my experience, the ladies who like dicks, not men, or who like men for their dicks, are lesbians who have not come out to themselves yet.

        • 0

          I totally agree with you Barbara. My point wasn’t that Lady Gaga is worse than Christina Aguilera, or that they’re both dumb or awful, but that sometimes people say dumb things. I just wanted the criticism of dumb things said to be distributed evenly, I guess.

          I have no doubt in Lady Gaga’s capacity to become an even more fierce ally than she already is. And if she ever publicly dates a woman or queer person, then I will first in line for the “fuck yeah queer visibility!” celebrations.

  8. 0

    Ughh I hate that response ‘I love penis too much’. And I was suprised when Pink said that…and a little disappointed because she has pandered to her queer fans before so to turn around with that sort of response to the question it was just…ech. Even though I love Kelly Clarkson and she’s a total bian, she said she ‘could never be with a woman…I love men too much’ ~sigh~

  9. 0

    Maybe I’m being really stupid and missing something obvious but why is it so bad for someone to say they couldn’t do without penis? A dildo is not the same as a penis at the end of the day and I’m pretty glad about that.

    If someone said to me could you not be with a guy I’d be like ew have you ever seen a penis I need to not ever have to touch one of those things thanks. I hate penis too much to ever be straight and I love a womans legs and ass and….my thoughts have gone too dirty but you get the idea. Is it not just honest to admit that?

  10. 0

    Five bucks to the first person to collect 3 or more well-sourced quotes from “bisexual” men saying that they TOTES LOVE COCK AND ALL, it’s superfun etc., but they just couldn’t ever bring themselves to give up that sweet, sweet vadge lovin’. “Sorry, boys! *finger wave* I love VAGINA!”

    DO IT. I DARE YOU.

    • 0

      I once knew a bi guy who said he could never seriously date men because men were sleazy and fucked everything that moved. Nothing about magical, irreplaceable Vadge. Hm… wait a minute… women are emotional and crazy… men are animals who just can’t help themselves… Cock is Irreplacable, Vadge Doesn’t Even Merit a Mention–it’s as if all these statements are based on tired gender stereotypes about the sexes and the relative worth of our respective genitalia, rather than people’s individual tastes!

      But that can’t be right…

  11. 0

    I was showing my roomie The Center website the other day and she stumbled upon a little add for a strap-on workshop. She immediately consulted me, asking: “Well, if lesbians use strap-ons and they like it, wouldn’t that make them straight?”

    *palm in face* Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever break down these barriers of sexuality. Oh Christina…

    • 0

      “Well, if lesbians use strap-ons and they like it, wouldn’t that make them straight?” and things along the lines of “oh if lesbians don’t like penis why do they use strap ons?” etc. UGH – oh man! some of my friends CANNOT get passed this.

      • 0

        The one that annoys me the most is, “Oh so you’re a lesbian, which one of you wears the strap on then?” It’s either that or lots of talk about scissoring. Irish boys needs to watch the L word or something.

        • 0

          Haa… one of my more naive friends asked “So, who’s the man in the relationship?”

          But his brother had my back before I could even reply.

          “Bro, there is no man in the relationship. That’s what makes them LESBIANS.”

  12. 0

    <3 the photos of the power couples!

    and.. agreed.. BUY a penis if that's your only reason for straightness! but really, these girls are probs just confused and i really shouldn't judge them. i'd just personally rather them not be so damn straight lol

  13. 0

    My two cents…

    the only reason I find Christina’s quote annoying is because I feel like she’s pandering to her male fans, it’s like she’s trying to get the balance right by saying “I like girls, but don’t worry, I’m not too queer, dick is what it’s all about!”, why couldn’t she just say “I could never be without a man.”, instead of “I love dick. To be honest, that I cannot live without.”? Do people’s genitals define them as a whole?

  14. 0

    Wow, so she made some references to bisexuality and then is compelled to talked up the allure of the cock? Just like Fergie and Lady Gaga (however tongue in cheek that may have been)?

    Seriously, this tired shit would be a main article on celebrityfemalecomingouttropes.com

    The physicality of genitals aside (my own view is that when you love someone, you find a way to enjoy whatever body they’re in), the real downer for me is how as soon as an appreciation for the female form is declared, it is immediately trivialised and the validity of loving women reduced. It harks back to the great article about effeminacy on here: just what is so bad about wanting to desire the feminine?

    I don’t particularly want to criticise Christina because we can’t see what specific questions she was asked; the problem seems to come from a media that loves to obsess over stars’ sexual predilections. I fear that we end up projecting bisexuality onto a lot of these famous women who say things about not believing in labels, because they get probed about sex and sexuality all the time and they’ve got to say something.

    We don’t hear half as much about the sexuality of men in pop, because, I suspect, they get exempted from some of that sort of harassment because they’re promoted in different ways.

    I know she’s free to feel whatever she likes about whoever she likes, but in the midst of an otherwise good interview, the whole dick thing just felt so…unhelpful.

    On the other hand, the illuminati link was super-helpful! I just love it! Although I was slightly worried – there were 300+ people that commented on that link…

    That there are more people reading that bonkers stuff over there than true enlightenment/feelings over here is a better indication of how screwed up the world is than a load of esoteric symbolism in pop videos.

      • 0

        I hope it means that, other than when sentenced to holiday penance, people that read this site are just too busy being awesome to comment a lot.

        Or too busy being mind-controlled by the illuminati-ruled media of course. Hang on, is that an occultist triangle I see as the autostraddle logo?!

  15. 0

    “Kissing is fun! We should all kiss each other a lot!”

    COMPLETE AGREEMENT. Who needs genitals anyway, there’s the other 90% of the body to play with, bodies are fun and making out is fun and touch is great fun 😀

  16. 0

    Also I forgot to say oh my goodness does Eileen Myles have a young young girlfriend!

    (She is awfully charming however — saw her read a few months ago.)

  17. 0

    I’m a girl and I think dick is nasty. Women don’t need a penis- real or fake to get them off. We got hands (G spot) and oral stimulation. There is no need for dick in a lesbian relationship.

    If you knw how to fuck right, she wont need one.

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