Summer’s gone guys. It’s over. Time to go back to, well, everything. If you’re feeling pretty down about it, no worries– I have just the thing to pick you right back up. I’ve got six items for six occasions that will have you packing up your flip-flops and un-cuffing your jeans in no time.
1. Back to School
First impressions matter, so why not start the year off in something other than jeans and a T-shirt. I know, sounds impossible. Luckily, menswear is having a huge impact on women’s fashion this season, and school-boy blazers are coming in by the bucketful. Plus, if you start just throwing a blazer over something you already own, you can skip buying lots of heavy-weight long sleeve shirts. I think a fitted blazer over a tight white scoop neck or V-neck with skinny jeans and boots is cute and just a hint queer.
If you’re busty and have trouble with fit, find a blazer that fits neatly through the shoulders. Don’t worry about being able to button it up it’s unlikely you’ll ever wear it closed. Similarly, if you’re having trouble with sleeve length, simply cuff the sleeves for a preppy look. For a look that downplays your waist the men’s department is always your best best, again, as long as the blazer fits you through the shoulders. If you’re a tiny boi dyke, investigate the boy’s section of a major department store or a high quality children’s shop such as Crewcuts.
Don’t be shy to buy in bright colors or even patterns, but be careful of the weight of the fabric. Avoid polyester and shoot for wool, but nothing too heavy or you’ll be sweating buckets in your 8am class.
|$188-J. Crew||$98-Gap||$49-Urban Outfitters|
2. Back to Work
Maybe you just graduated college and you’re about to start your first real job. Maybe you just got promoted to a big deal position for Q3. Maybe you just saw Romi and Michelle’s High School Reunion and you’re looking to trick some people in to thinking you have a high-powered job.
Regardless, picking out workwear can be really hard, and a lot of people have concerns about how to look “queer enough” while still maintaining work appropriate style.
The hard truth is that most style questions surrounding how queer you want to look are issues you’re going to have to address by yourself. I vote you dress in the way that makes you feel comfortable and professional. While you’re sorting out these issues, I’ll just talk about handbags.
Even if you’ve just scurried in a hour late, your co-workers can only assume you’ve been at important meetings when you’re carrying a grown-up big girl bag. This season, look for a polished leather saddlebag style satchel with a clean silhouette. This is actually only partially snobbery.
From my vast experience aimlessly fishing through purses trying to find my keys, I can tell you that a bag with structured walls and flat bottom will do wonders for your organizational skills. No more awkwardly rooting to the bottom of a tote bag to find your keys. This is the sort of bag that will make you want to buy a day planner and a calculator that isn’t your phone. I like the ones with a hard handle to grasp so it looks like you drive a fancy car and a long strap so you can sling it across your chest as you, erm, bike home. Look for one in a warm peachy brown or a fun outlandishly bright color.
|$138-J. Crew||$76.84-River Island||$36.59-Asos|
3. Back to Your Parent’s Place
For me, fall means going to my hometown. Whether you’re going home for Labor Day weekend, homecoming, the high holy days or Thanksgiving, you’ve probably got some serious family time ahead. Maybe you’ll even get to go apple/pumpkin picking?
Here’s how this always goes down. At the last minute I tell my mom I got off work early and can beat Friday traffic if I leave right now. She says, “Don’t worry about packing! You have tons of clothes in your old closet.” Then I come home and all of the “clothes” are hoodies I haven’t worn since junior high. Thus, I end up seeing everyone I went to high school with while wearing a sweatshirt that says “Girlz Rox!”. As far as I’m concerned, the only way to fix this situation is to make sure you have an outstanding fall coat.
Though we tend to lean towards earth tones in the autumn, there’s no reason not to buy a fall coat in a unique cut or bright color. Shocking greens and oranges or deep plums and crimsons might be colors that make you nervous normally, but take a cue from Joseph and put a little technicolor in your dreamcoat.
For those who insist that color is for the weak, invest in a jacket with a sculptural collar or dramatic waistline. Perhaps this is the year you’ll finally buy a cape. Perhaps last year you bought a cape and this year you’ll actually wear it.
Don’t listen to your mom when she tells you to make sure there’s room for a sweatshirt under your jacket. After all, it’s only fall. You can save that “is there another person under there?” sized parka for winter. Nothing looks worse than an poorly-sized coat.
4. Back to the Club Scene
Or maybe you lied to your mom and told her you had too much work to do this weekend. Back to the gay bars.
Get pumped to wait in line for an hour, see your ex, and be a gigantic whiny baby about your high heels. Sure, those heels make your ass look great until you feel like your pinky toe has be amputated and you take them off. Worse, you spend two to four hours obsessing to your friend about how everyone thinks you’re straight because you’re wearing pumps.
Maybe on the other hand you always want to wear men’s shoes out dancing but you have teeny tiny baby feet and can’t find them in your size. Remember when I said menswear was having a moment? There’s a compromise in here somewhere. This fall we’re seeing plenty of women’s loafers, oxfords and menswear inspired pumps.
Comfy classic oxfords will make you feel and dance like you’ve just arrived at a super keen sock hop. Avoid tacky, costumey, patent leather black-and-whites and buy a soft leather pair in creamy tans. They’re sure to let the ladies know you’re down for the get down while keeping you whine free until the wee hours. Ditching your heels might feel a bit hasty for the stiletto addicted, but you can still get some lift from oxford and loafer style wedges and heels. Best of all, these cuts often rise to your ankle so there’s no need to worry about whether someone is going to step on your foot. Which they will.
|$198-J. Crew||$120-American Apparel||$99-ME TOO|
5. Back to Gatorade
Depending on how big of a comeback you just made to the gay bar scene, you might be suffering from a wicked bad hangover. Next time drink less booze, more water and investigate our cures for a hangover. Unfortunately you can’t change the past and now it’s time to face all that school, work and family you’ve just gone back to. It’s going to be bright. You’ll need sunglasses. Big sunglasses. A sophisticated, classic pair of frames will have you shielded from the harsh light of day and the unimpressed glares of your co-workers.
This season’s emphasis is on bold shapes we’ve seen before but not for half a century. A pair of cat eye sunglasses will have everyone thinking you’re off to have Breakfast at Tiffany’s when you’re really picking up ramen and a fruit punch flavored sports drink.Cat eye sunglasses are a hybrid of severity and beauty emphasizing the feminine while still looking totally badass. Plus, they look great with that cape you just bought. If you’re less pastries and diamonds and more car chases and Steve McQueen consider a pair of key-hole sunglasses. Distinctly serious and strong, key-holes are an early morning must-have for anyone masculine of center. Persol does them best and everyone else is just happily pretending to compete. Be warned: you will look like your dad and you will look awesome.
6. Back to the Snooze Button
It’s been a long week and you’ve accomplished a lot. God you must be tired. Unfortunately as daylight becomes limited so too does your desire to get out of bed. This fall, make bedtime last all day with a comfy patterned crewneck sweater. Fall style is all about layers so pull something soft and warm over a tank top and t-shirt. Do you have an old Christmas sweater in storage? Winter is still months away, but that doesn’t mean you can’t light a fire, flip on the TV and slip on a reindeer ski sweater to curl up with your snowbunny girlfriend. Use this as an opportunity to be as corny as possible. Knit yourself a Navajo or Aztec pattern and maybe make one for your cat too. Will you be reappropriating someone else’s culture? Yes, but you’ll be damn stylish doing it. Don’t shy away from this fall’s best patterns just because they’re ridiculous and might remind you of being seven.
Somehow, the cornier the sweater, the more fashionable it is. Fall is the best season to wear a longsleeve sweater with shorts and a colorful pattern might be just what you need to help you commit to the changing season. The most important thing is that the sweater be comfy and just a little bit goofy.
|$76-Topshop||$79-Urban Outfitters||$195-Barneys New York|
Well, there you have it. This may not have given your biceps the same workout as the September issue, but what can I say, it’s a start. Stop dreading the day you’ll turn back the clock and get pumped for fall, ’cause you’re going to look great.