Autostraddle’s Fall Television Guide: All The New Girls

The Playboy Club

Mon. Sept 19, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)

“Nick Dalton is the ultimate playboy and one of the city’s top attorneys, rubbing elbows with everyone in the Windy City’s power structure. With mysterious and complicated ties to the mob, he comes to the aid of Maureen, the stunning and innocent new Bunny at the club, who accidentally kills the patriarch of the Bianchi crime family.”

I’ve already talked about this show at length because despite the 5,662 reasons why I should have radical socialist feminist rage about  it, I’m actually looking forward to it moreso than anything besides the new season of Extreme Couponing.  Why?


1. It stars a lesbian (Amber Heard, as Maureen) (Let’s not get into a debate about her latest predictable assertion that she doesn’t want the lesbian “label” and stick to the topic at hand which is fall television)

2. Features a lesbian character (Alice, played by Leah Renee)…

2a. …in a “Lavender Marriage” with a gay guy…

2b. …and they’re part of the Chicago chapter of 1960s LGBT rights group The Mattachine Society

2c. …and she’s gonna get a real-life lady love interest!

3. Laura Benanti.

4. Hot chicks.




Tues. Sept 20, 10 p.m. EST (CBS)

What’s especially interesting about the concept behind this show — a detective who remembers everything that’s ever happened, ever — is that in this day/age sometimes I feel like we’re using technology to keep records of every minute to ensure that we have access to the memories of everything that’s ever happened, ever. How often do you search your g-chat records to figure out how you actually feel about a thing or what you said and how often does that make all the difference?

UNFORGETTABLE stars Poppy Montgomery as Carrie Wells, an enigmatic former police detective with a rare condition that makes her memory so flawless that every place, every conversation, every moment of joy and every heartbreak is forever embedded in her mind. It’s not just that she doesn’t forget anything – she can’t; except for one thing: the details that would help solve her sister’s long-ago murder. Carrie has tried to put her past behind her, but she’s unexpectedly reunited with her ex-boyfriend and partner, NYPD Detective Al Burns (Dylan Walsh), when she consults on a homicide case.

I’ve only seen a two-minute preview, but in that two minutes I was like, holy shit, total recall is the only tool we really need to solve every crime ever.

There’s some boys in the show and also a smokin’ hot “sassy, street-smart cop” named Nina Inara (Daya Vaidya).




Wed. Sept 14, 8 p.m. EST (CW)

So you know how people on the internet are really mean and full of hate and you’re always like, “why can’t they just say it to my face?” Well, Mario Lopez had that very same thought, and he made it into a TV show where famous people confront their haters face-to-face.

Following the confrontation, the haters get to see the “real side” of people like Snookie and Kim Kardashian — not that fake side they see on television! The real side…  also on television.

This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.




Wed. Sept 28, 8:30 p.m. EST (ABC)

“Single father George only wants the best for his 16-year-old daughter, Tessa. So when he finds a box of condoms on her nightstand, he moves them out of their apartment in New York City to a house in the suburbs. But all Tessa sees is the horror of over-manicured lawns and plastic Franken-moms. Being in the ‘burbs can be hell, but it also may just bring Tessa and George closer than they’ve ever been.”

Yup. Single father George (Billy Chenoweth) cures Tessa’s desire to practice safe sex by carting her to the suburbs, where teenagers don’t have sex and nobody has any secrets, desperation, or Chicken Parties.

My ability to enjoy ths program will be greatly hindered by: 1. Condoms? Really? This premise is flawed, 2. The fact that all of these jokes have been told before and all of these characters have been played before! Mean Girls, Clueless, Stepford Wives, Jawbreakers, The O.C., etc.




Thurs. Sept 22, 9:30 p.m. EST (NBC)

NBC’s new multi-camera comedy “Whitney” is a hilarious look at modern day love, which centers around Whitney (Whitney Cummings, “Chelsea Lately”) and Alex (Chris D’Elia, “Glory Daze”), a happily unmarried couple. Together for three years, the duo is in no rush to get hitched, which seems to get a mixed response from their friends.

This show is about a laugh track. In between giant bursts of laugh track, we witness the tender jokey relationship between Whitney and her boyfriend. They’re not married. Can you believe it? A couple together for five years and not even married! SO WEIRD.

In the preview, Whitney’s kept out of her husband’s hospital room because they’re not married, which inspires some sort of breakdown and a brief consideration of actually getting married. What a predicament! That must be nice, actually having the choice to get married! It would really suck if there was just no way on earth for you to get to your boyfriend’s hospital room.



Next: Prime Suspect, Pan Am, Grimm, Ringer and MORE!

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3228 articles for us.


  1. Whoever’s idea it was to illustrate the verdict with gifs: genius. You get a special gold star today.

    I’m also looking forward to “Once Upon a Time”.

    Seems like a long wait until the fall season actually officially starts. At least I always have autostraddle!

  2. Grace, I wasn’t sure what you wanted our wedding registry to be for, so I just put down Radio Shack.

  3. At first I thought I would be interested in The Playboy Club for Amber Heard and this lesbian character but no I am most excited about this show because I found out that my Broadway crush Laura Benanti is in it. This pretty much ensures that I will watch every episode no matter how bad it is. Just like I watched every awful episode of Starved just because she played a lesbian in it. She needs to play lesbians more often BTW. I hope she has as much TV crossover success as Jane Krakowski and Kristin Chenoweth have had because she is just as amazing.

      • Yes girl! She was on a tv show called Starved that used to air on FX with Always Sunny in Philadelphia when it first premiered. It only lasted a season and Laura’s character and her relationship with her girlfriend(who had cancer) were really the only good things about the show. I don’t know where the episodes are available these days. Not legally anyway.

  4. I might consider watching a few episodes of New Girl for Damon Wayans Jr. tbh, but after the first episode he’s replaced with a new dude since he’s currently on Happy Endings and Fox is too lazy and/or cheap to reshoot the pilot. >_>

    So basically, it’s officially dead to me.

    • They claim not to have “replaced” him but written him out the show. Like he moves or something instead of someone stepping in and being the same character. I don’t really believe this since they hired another black guy. They just switched the lines to the “new” character probs.

  5. I will probably not get around to watching anything until its been out for a while, and then I will watch it illegally on the internet. I will probably watch Always Sunny though.

    If I can find my ass and my eyes and the teevee remote and a chair I’ll try Prime Suspect and/or Ringer because I like Sarah Michelle Gellar and she hasn’t been in anything very good for a while now.

    • The problem with new teevee shows is that they’re like relationships. They’re exciting and new, and everyone is goodlooking and you’re entranced, but then the plot lines and people become more complicated, and you become guilted into being there you know? You have to know what happens! If you’re not there everyone isn’t going to be alright!

      Now you’re stuck, and your emotions are all entangled, you can see the make up on their faces, they’re not as beautiful, this is a mess you can’t function any more, you’ve starting drinking whiskey during your nightly teevee hour, you know you should just break up. You have to hit that button and walk away.

  6. this is fantastic, riese! all of your GIFs made me LOL. and yes…playboy and panam (and smash, obvs) are going to be so good!

  7. Whoever thought of the gif like it was tumblr fucking beautiful all i had to do was look at the gif to know if i should watch it. THANK YOU FOR MAKING A TV GUIDE CHART! i was at work like a made person trying to figure out the shows and everything.

  8. i’m excited about ringer. i will probably end up watching the new girl because i like zooey. pan am might be good too.

  9. Grimm looks AWESOME! If it’s anything like Disney’s Halloweentown, I’m in.

    (As long as it doesn’t lead to boys using the word “grim” any more than they do now in their discussion of “less than attractive” girls… I can only perform corrective bitch slaps so many times a day).

  10. Thank you for that TV guide, it took out the last step preventing me from adding new shows to my schedule and made it easy!
    Without it I’d probably just watch Glee on tv and 30 Rock on hulu, with it I might try Grimm and Up All Night too.

    Also: gifs gifs gifs gifs gifs.

  11. You mean I have to figure out how to hook up my cable box by sept 20 for glee? Fuck. (Can you watch that online?)

  12. I’m intrigued by The New Girl as well..however, because Damon Wayons Jr is in “Happy Endings” (which got picked up for a second season) he won’t be in this series…
    Regardless..its definitely something I’ll give a chance..we’ll see how long it takes before Deshanel (sp?) gets on my nerves–may immediately, maybe never–its a crapshoot :)

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve often enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically made her into a bad caricature of herself instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault – overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

    • [FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]

      I’ve enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically turned her into a bad self-caricature instead of the lovable nerd she could be.

      And it’s totally not her fault; overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.

      I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.

  13. First of all, there should be a government grant awarded for the study of Dispensing Judgement via GIFs, and it should go to Riese.
    Second, re: 2br0kegri11z. (i wanna put that in glitter grafx so bad.)
    ….I don’t understand, Kat Dennings…I just don’t understand why…you’re a *good* actress…you don’t have to be in *bad* shows…Why? WHY?!?

    • I watched the preview of two broke girls,(and yes, I am refusing to comply with the spelling)I really wish I hadn’t. That was just…bad. Painfully bad. Howthefuckdidthisevergetputonanynetworkevah bad.

      It makes me rethink my assumption that I’m not talented enough to write for a tv show.

  14. The title sequence of The New Girl was the most cloying thing I have seen since flipping through Gwyneth Paltrow’s cook book.

    The show had some laughs, mostly in the first few minutes, but the schtick got old fast. She wouldn’t stop singing. Not songs, just sentences. And the repeating of her name was for no one’s benefit. And the jovial doucheyness of (at least) one of the guys became painful by the end.

    It also failed the Bechdel Test.

    I’ll give it a couple more episodes, but I’m not too hopeful.

    I AM massively psyched for Ringer, though. And Pan Am. Also, the return of Fringe, Community, Parks and Rec and 30 Rock… maybegleetoo.

  15. i’m so disappointed by 2 broke girls, because i adore kat dennings but… yeah, nope. i’m looking forward to the playboy club and up all night, though. and i wish i were into crime shows because prime suspect looks pretty great. but really, i’m just waiting for parks & rec to come back.

    • I agree…meh. I’m just waiting for The Good Wife, Harry’s Law, Private Practice. Don’t know when The Big C will return, but I love it, and patiently waiting for Nurse Jackie to be back…2012…boo hoo.

  16. Love the list adn the GIFs. And it’s a bummer that almost every review I’ve read on “New Girl” has been bad. Zooey Deschanel is capable of better.

    But, you gotta squeeze The Good Wife and Dexter somewhere into those Sunday slots.

    9pm – The Good Wife
    10pm – Pan Am
    11pm – Dexter (the later rebroadcast)


    obvs i have printed and laminated (with clear packing tape) that amazing tv guide, with channel #s written in the margin because i haven’t memorized my cable lineup yet.

  18. 2 Broke Girls makes me sad insidie because I naturally want to immediately watch something that has Kat Dennings in it.

    That said, it looks like there are a few other shows I’ll be trying out on top of the usuals.

    People still watch the Office?

  19. Some thoughts:

    1.) I just noticed that Christina Applegate looks like grown-up Dianna Agron.
    2.) I thought about watching “2 Broke Girls” for 2 other girls on the show (read: Kat Dennings’ boobs)
    3.) [Oprah voice] LAUURAAAAA BENAAAAAANTIIIIII! [/Oprah voice]
    4.) “This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.” SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
    5.) Girl from “Suburgatory” (ugh, I felt like such a dick typing that) looks like a knock-off Emma Stone, and that’s CLEARLY what they’re going for. Guys, “Emma Stone” is a TYPE now.

    Also, you forgot “Finn Hudson (L)” in that bit about “Glee.”

  20. Okay, not going to lie, the 2 broke girls show only interests me for the hilarity factor of ONE OF THE CHARACTERS BEING NAMED AFTER CAROL CHANNING.

  21. Can anyone tell me who the ‘verdict’ guy is in the photo for the secret circle? ’cause I swear he looks EXACTLY like my girlfriend’s dad :-s

  22. I love Santana & Brittany <3
    I just do.
    And I love when they sang "Landslide".

    Is Pretty Little Liars worth watching?

  23. Oh whatever New Girl may look terribly over the top and perfectly gaudy but I’m going to loff every moment of it. Yes, loff.

  24. Looking forward to Grimm and Ringer. I will also be watching The Secret Circle while eating popcorn with an expression of evil glee.

    These GIFs are amazing.

  25. OH.MYGOD. I am in the UK, and we got Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect- the woman played the Queen, for fucks sake. Instead, you get ‘Piedmont, North Dakota’ from Coyote Ugly???


    On the flip side, thank you internet. Because I’ll be damned if I’m not watching Piedmont North Dakota every week…

  26. I will have to give 2 broke girls a try just because Molly McAleer is one of my favorite writers…..I am so hoping the show is better than it looks!

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