It’s fall and you know what that means! Weeks upon weeks of America’s Got Talent, Criminal Minds re-runs, Storage Wars and Hoarding: Buried Alive have come to an end. In their place we’ll all be watching a bountiful roster of returning programs we love: Modern Family, The Office, Pretty Little Liars, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Extreme Couponing and so forth.
BUT! In addition to our old favorites, the world is gifting us a massive truckload of brand-spanking-new shows! According to an issue of Glamour I read in a waiting room yesterday, the majority of this year’s new programming is female-centric. This is fantastic, because as the lesbian theme of this website implies, we hate men. That being said, it seems like a majority of this year’s programming is relying on gender tropes and “men are from mars/women are from venus” cliches to delight and enliven their audience, which I feel negatively about, though I imagine less psychologically burdened people may not feel the same.
So I’ve chosen a few shows that I think you probably are considering watching — but first, let’s answer that question heavy on everybody’s mind:
Where Are The Queer Girls?
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Santana (L) and Brittany (B), Glee
Fox, Sep. 20, 8 pm
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Kalinda Sharma (B), The Good Wife
CBS, Sep.25, 9 pm
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Alice (L), The Playboy Club
NBC, Sep.19, 10 pm
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Callie (B) and Arizona (L), Grey’s Anatomy
ABC, September 22, 9 pm
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Kayla (L), America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars
The CW, Sep 14, 9 pm
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Emily (L) and Maya (L), Pretty Little Liars
ABC Family, Oct. 12th, 9pm
New Fall Shows Relevant To Your Interests
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The Secret Circle
Thu. Sep 15, 9 p.m. EST (CW)
The Secret Circle is yet another supernatural thriller about teenagers, my favorite! This time, the topic is Witches. 16-year-old Cassie (Britt Robertson) becomes an orphan when her Mom dies in a fire, and promptly moves to her dead mother’s hometown. It is here that she is informed that she’s a witch. There are lots of witches, bitches. You should watch this extended trailer (embedding disabled). Oh and — Brian Kinney stars as an evil parent!
Verdict:
Up All Night
Wed. Sept 14, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)
Here’s why you’re gonna be into this:
+ Gob
+ Maya Rudolph
Christina Applegate is pretty easy on the eyes as well, although she’s always Kelly Bundy to me:
So basically Christina Applegate‘s character Reagan Brinkley has a good career and is the “life of the party.” Also, she has a baby! A REAL LIVE BABY PERSON! Luckily, she’s got a stay-at-home-husband, played by Gob. If only Gob could find the cheese in the store! What a goof! What will happen as the duo face the challenges of BABY-REARING? Will Reagan have to “compromise her career or cool reputation to the cliches of motherhood?” I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out!
Verdict:
2 Broke Girls
Mon. Sept 19, 9:30 p.m. EST (CBS)
“Sassy, streetwise Max Black works two jobs just to get by, one of which is waiting tables during the night shift at the retro-hip Williamsburg Diner. Sophisticated Caroline Channing is an uptown trust fund princess who’s having a run of bad luck that forces her to reluctantly give waitressing a shot. At first, Max sees Caroline as yet another in a long line of inept servers she must cover for, but she’s surprised to find that Caroline has as much substance as she does style.”
From this four-minute preview and the fact that the title uses the numeral “2” instead of the word “two,” I already totally hate this show which is allegedly about waitresses who live in Williamsmburg, Brooklyn. As a former waitress who lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I feel viewing this show would be redundant. Furthermore, it’s possibly racist.
Other characters include “Oleg, an overly flirtatious Russian cook,” “Earl, a 75-year-old kool-kat cashier,” “Han Lee, the new, eager-to-please owner of the diner” and “Abdul Mohammed, the uptight manager of the 7-11 next door.” Just kidding about that last one, I made it up. I was just running with the theme.
Verdict:
Next: The Playboy Club, Unforgettable, H8R and MORE!
The Playboy Club
Mon. Sept 19, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)
“Nick Dalton is the ultimate playboy and one of the city’s top attorneys, rubbing elbows with everyone in the Windy City’s power structure. With mysterious and complicated ties to the mob, he comes to the aid of Maureen, the stunning and innocent new Bunny at the club, who accidentally kills the patriarch of the Bianchi crime family.”
I’ve already talked about this show at length because despite the 5,662 reasons why I should have radical socialist feminist rage about it, I’m actually looking forward to it moreso than anything besides the new season of Extreme Couponing. Why?
Because:
1. It stars a lesbian (Amber Heard, as Maureen) (Let’s not get into a debate about her latest predictable assertion that she doesn’t want the lesbian “label” and stick to the topic at hand which is fall television)
2. Features a lesbian character (Alice, played by Leah Renee)…
2a. …in a “Lavender Marriage” with a gay guy…
2b. …and they’re part of the Chicago chapter of 1960s LGBT rights group The Mattachine Society…
2c. …and she’s gonna get a real-life lady love interest!
3. Laura Benanti.
4. Hot chicks.
Verdict:
Unforgettable
Tues. Sept 20, 10 p.m. EST (CBS)
What’s especially interesting about the concept behind this show — a detective who remembers everything that’s ever happened, ever — is that in this day/age sometimes I feel like we’re using technology to keep records of every minute to ensure that we have access to the memories of everything that’s ever happened, ever. How often do you search your g-chat records to figure out how you actually feel about a thing or what you said and how often does that make all the difference?
UNFORGETTABLE stars Poppy Montgomery as Carrie Wells, an enigmatic former police detective with a rare condition that makes her memory so flawless that every place, every conversation, every moment of joy and every heartbreak is forever embedded in her mind. It’s not just that she doesn’t forget anything – she can’t; except for one thing: the details that would help solve her sister’s long-ago murder. Carrie has tried to put her past behind her, but she’s unexpectedly reunited with her ex-boyfriend and partner, NYPD Detective Al Burns (Dylan Walsh), when she consults on a homicide case.
I’ve only seen a two-minute preview, but in that two minutes I was like, holy shit, total recall is the only tool we really need to solve every crime ever.
There’s some boys in the show and also a smokin’ hot “sassy, street-smart cop” named Nina Inara (Daya Vaidya).
Verdict:
H8R
Wed. Sept 14, 8 p.m. EST (CW)
So you know how people on the internet are really mean and full of hate and you’re always like, “why can’t they just say it to my face?” Well, Mario Lopez had that very same thought, and he made it into a TV show where famous people confront their haters face-to-face.
Following the confrontation, the haters get to see the “real side” of people like Snookie and Kim Kardashian — not that fake side they see on television! The real side… also on television.
This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.
Verdict:
Suburgatory
Wed. Sept 28, 8:30 p.m. EST (ABC)
“Single father George only wants the best for his 16-year-old daughter, Tessa. So when he finds a box of condoms on her nightstand, he moves them out of their apartment in New York City to a house in the suburbs. But all Tessa sees is the horror of over-manicured lawns and plastic Franken-moms. Being in the ‘burbs can be hell, but it also may just bring Tessa and George closer than they’ve ever been.”
Yup. Single father George (Billy Chenoweth) cures Tessa’s desire to practice safe sex by carting her to the suburbs, where teenagers don’t have sex and nobody has any secrets, desperation, or Chicken Parties.
My ability to enjoy ths program will be greatly hindered by: 1. Condoms? Really? This premise is flawed, 2. The fact that all of these jokes have been told before and all of these characters have been played before! Mean Girls, Clueless, Stepford Wives, Jawbreakers, The O.C., etc.
Verdict:
Whitney
Thurs. Sept 22, 9:30 p.m. EST (NBC)
NBC’s new multi-camera comedy “Whitney” is a hilarious look at modern day love, which centers around Whitney (Whitney Cummings, “Chelsea Lately”) and Alex (Chris D’Elia, “Glory Daze”), a happily unmarried couple. Together for three years, the duo is in no rush to get hitched, which seems to get a mixed response from their friends.
This show is about a laugh track. In between giant bursts of laugh track, we witness the tender jokey relationship between Whitney and her boyfriend. They’re not married. Can you believe it? A couple together for five years and not even married! SO WEIRD.
In the preview, Whitney’s kept out of her husband’s hospital room because they’re not married, which inspires some sort of breakdown and a brief consideration of actually getting married. What a predicament! That must be nice, actually having the choice to get married! It would really suck if there was just no way on earth for you to get to your boyfriend’s hospital room.
Verdict:
Next: Prime Suspect, Pan Am, Grimm, Ringer and MORE!
Prime Suspect
Thurs. Sept 22, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)
“Jane is confident and focused – and also rude, abrupt and occasionally reckless. She has her vices, and rumors of a questionable past follow her everywhere – but at the end of the day, she’s an instinctively brilliant cop who can’t be distracted from the only important thing: the prime suspect.”
So, Maria Bello plays Jane Timoney, a badass Homicide Detective who looks good in menswear. Jane is transferred to a NYC Homicide Department presently composed entirely of douchebags who make a lot of lame sexist jokes to which she volleys clever retorts. In other words, she’s going to give you all a lesbian boner.
It’s based on a British series and is produced by the guy who did Friday Night Lights, a very popular critically-acclaimed program about football.
Verdict
Grimm
Fri. Oct 21, 9 p.m. EST (NBC)
This show is gonna be rad.
“”Grimm” is a new drama series inspired by the classic Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Portland homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt discovers he is descended from an elite line of criminal profilers known as “Grimms,” charged with keeping balance between humanity and the mythological creatures of the world.”
Verdict:
Pan Am
Sun. Sept 25, 10 p.m. EST (ABC)
“Passion, adventure and espionage… They do it all—and they do it at 30,000 feet. The style of the 1960s, the energy and excitement of the Jet Age and a drama full of sexy entanglements deliciously mesh in a thrilling and highly original new series, Pan Am, premiering SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, on the ABC Television Network.”
I’ve wanted one of those Pan Am bags for probably years now, and now that this show exists, I feel like I’m never going to be able to afford one. That bitterness aside, Pan Am stars Christina Ricci, the outfits are cute, and it’s directed by the director of The West Wing.
Verdict:
Ringer
Tues. Sept 13, 9 p.m. EST (CW)
“Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a woman who, after witnessing a murder, goes on the run, hiding out by assuming the life of her wealthy identical twin sister – only to learn that her sister’s seemingly idyllic life is just as complicated and dangerous as the one she’s trying to leave behind.”
Once Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets to New York City, she and her estranged twin sister go on a boat trip from which her sister never returns. So Bridget takes on her sister’s identity but unfortunately her sister is even more fucked up than she is. I assume I will enjoy this based on my present enjoyment of The Lying Game.
Verdict:
New Girl
Tues. Sept 20, 9 p.m. EST (Fox)
THE NEW GIRL, starring Zooey Deschanel as JESS DAY, is a single-camera comedy about a dorky awkward manic pixie dream girl who walks in on her boyfriend at their apartment with another lady (this scene is identical to the same scene in 2 Broke Girls) , therefore breaks up with him, and is henceforth forced to move in to a new apartment with a bunch of duders.
THE NEW GIRL allegedly will provide a “fresh” and “outrageous” take on our favorite topic, “male/female relationships.” Everybody will love this show except me. The best part is that Damon Wayans JUNIOR is in it.
Verdict:
What are you gonna watch? This is what I would watch if I watched television for three hours a night which would never actually happen but anyhow:
Comments
Whoever’s idea it was to illustrate the verdict with gifs: genius. You get a special gold star today.
I’m also looking forward to “Once Upon a Time”.
Seems like a long wait until the fall season actually officially starts. At least I always have autostraddle!
Yes, “Once Upon a Time”. All I needed to know is that Jane Espenson is writing some eps. She’s brillant.
I have high hopes for SMG’s “Ringer”. Other than “Glee” starting up again, it’s what I’m most looking forward to. This makes me think I need some sort of life.
that was my idea i’m a genius
It’s true.
grace i want you to know that +1 you just got was from me
Aww. Likewise, friendo.
The Graces are in agreement once again
Grace, I wasn’t sure what you wanted our wedding registry to be for, so I just put down Radio Shack.
I put Target. Grace, think of the selection!
Don’t. Even.
I will honor Grace’s decision.
Psshh.
I love you guys, but I definitely didn’t write this. Womp womp.
i wrote this, not grace, i forgot to change the author name when i published it (she originally opened the post to put the show names and video links into it for me before I got started on it)
ETA: You should still marry Grace though, she’s a catch
You know what.
As long as someone takes up my offer of remote control helicopters, I’m okay.
I am all about remote control helicopters.
Oh. I see. I get it. This is why I was left at the altar??? You should’ve just told me you wanted Radio Shack!! =”(
I think we both knew you were destined to be the Carmen to my Shane.
I -…hmm… At first I was excited to be referred to as smoulderingly sexy, but I see my exit door to the Vortex coming up. Sigh.
At first I thought I would be interested in The Playboy Club for Amber Heard and this lesbian character but no I am most excited about this show because I found out that my Broadway crush Laura Benanti is in it. This pretty much ensures that I will watch every episode no matter how bad it is. Just like I watched every awful episode of Starved just because she played a lesbian in it. She needs to play lesbians more often BTW. I hope she has as much TV crossover success as Jane Krakowski and Kristin Chenoweth have had because she is just as amazing.
WAIT WAIT WAIT. Laura Benanti played a lesbian?
Yes girl! She was on a tv show called Starved that used to air on FX with Always Sunny in Philadelphia when it first premiered. It only lasted a season and Laura’s character and her relationship with her girlfriend(who had cancer) were really the only good things about the show. I don’t know where the episodes are available these days. Not legally anyway.
I might consider watching a few episodes of New Girl for Damon Wayans Jr. tbh, but after the first episode he’s replaced with a new dude since he’s currently on Happy Endings and Fox is too lazy and/or cheap to reshoot the pilot. >_>
So basically, it’s officially dead to me.
They claim not to have “replaced” him but written him out the show. Like he moves or something instead of someone stepping in and being the same character. I don’t really believe this since they hired another black guy. They just switched the lines to the “new” character probs.
I will probably not get around to watching anything until its been out for a while, and then I will watch it illegally on the internet. I will probably watch Always Sunny though.
If I can find my ass and my eyes and the teevee remote and a chair I’ll try Prime Suspect and/or Ringer because I like Sarah Michelle Gellar and she hasn’t been in anything very good for a while now.
The problem with new teevee shows is that they’re like relationships. They’re exciting and new, and everyone is goodlooking and you’re entranced, but then the plot lines and people become more complicated, and you become guilted into being there you know? You have to know what happens! If you’re not there everyone isn’t going to be alright!
Now you’re stuck, and your emotions are all entangled, you can see the make up on their faces, they’re not as beautiful, this is a mess you can’t function any more, you’ve starting drinking whiskey during your nightly teevee hour, you know you should just break up. You have to hit that button and walk away.
DEGRASSI. YES I’M IN MY LATE 20s!
but doesn’t the most recent season end in two weeks?
Nah, it started in July, and ended midway two weeks ago. The second half of the season starts in early 2012.
2012?? I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE IN OCTOBER. all of my hopes and dreams have been smashed to the ground
I also thought it was October 2011, but I’m not sure. Maybe it got pushed back to winter 2012? OMG FIONA!
The GIFS made me laugh out loud at work.
this is fantastic, riese! all of your GIFs made me LOL. and yes…playboy and panam (and smash, obvs) are going to be so good!
Whoever thought of the gif like it was tumblr fucking beautiful all i had to do was look at the gif to know if i should watch it. THANK YOU FOR MAKING A TV GUIDE CHART! i was at work like a made person trying to figure out the shows and everything.
i’m excited about ringer. i will probably end up watching the new girl because i like zooey. pan am might be good too.
i just want someone to watch extreme couponing with me
You can stop by anytime, Rachel.
that’s what we can do in the afternoons at the nursing home
Grimm looks AWESOME! If it’s anything like Disney’s Halloweentown, I’m in.
(As long as it doesn’t lead to boys using the word “grim” any more than they do now in their discussion of “less than attractive” girls… I can only perform corrective bitch slaps so many times a day).
Thank you for that TV guide, it took out the last step preventing me from adding new shows to my schedule and made it easy!
Without it I’d probably just watch Glee on tv and 30 Rock on hulu, with it I might try Grimm and Up All Night too.
Also: gifs gifs gifs gifs gifs.
You mean I have to figure out how to hook up my cable box by sept 20 for glee? Fuck. (Can you watch that online?)
Pretty sure you can watch it on fox online the day after.
GOB! GOBGOBGOB
obvs he needed cheese:
“friiiiied cheese…with club sauuuce”
but only if Bob Loblaw lobs a law bomb!
COME ON!
fall tv shows. f yes
the office is dead to me.
sad times.
I’m intrigued by The New Girl as well..however, because Damon Wayons Jr is in “Happy Endings” (which got picked up for a second season) he won’t be in this series…
Regardless..its definitely something I’ll give a chance..we’ll see how long it takes before Deshanel (sp?) gets on my nerves–may immediately, maybe never–its a crapshoot :)
[FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]
I’ve often enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically made her into a bad caricature of herself instead of the lovable nerd she could be.
And it’s totally not her fault – overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.
I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.
grr..hate when this happens!! Apologies for the double post
[FYI – you can watch the first episode of the New Girl right now for free on itunes]
I’ve enjoyed Zooey in films like All the Real Girls, Elf, and (500)Days of Summer. But I thought the New Girl basically turned her into a bad self-caricature instead of the lovable nerd she could be.
And it’s totally not her fault; overall, the pilot was terrible. Full of obnoxious dialogue, characters and stereotypes. Sometimes I can watch a show like this and appreciate the cheese of it all, but this was painful and not funny at all. I wasn’t a huge fan of Meriwether’s No Strings Attached either, but at least that had some redeeming qualities.
I would have put in a vomiting GIF above instead of an eye roll.
First of all, there should be a government grant awarded for the study of Dispensing Judgement via GIFs, and it should go to Riese.
Second, re: 2br0kegri11z. (i wanna put that in glitter grafx so bad.)
….I don’t understand, Kat Dennings…I just don’t understand why…you’re a *good* actress…you don’t have to be in *bad* shows…Why? WHY?!?
I watched the preview of two broke girls,(and yes, I am refusing to comply with the spelling)I really wish I hadn’t. That was just…bad. Painfully bad. Howthefuckdidthisevergetputonanynetworkevah bad.
It makes me rethink my assumption that I’m not talented enough to write for a tv show.
Zooey Deschanel, please stop trying to be Tina Fey THX
respect.
The title sequence of The New Girl was the most cloying thing I have seen since flipping through Gwyneth Paltrow’s cook book.
The show had some laughs, mostly in the first few minutes, but the schtick got old fast. She wouldn’t stop singing. Not songs, just sentences. And the repeating of her name was for no one’s benefit. And the jovial doucheyness of (at least) one of the guys became painful by the end.
It also failed the Bechdel Test.
I’ll give it a couple more episodes, but I’m not too hopeful.
I AM massively psyched for Ringer, though. And Pan Am. Also, the return of Fringe, Community, Parks and Rec and 30 Rock… maybegleetoo.
i’m so disappointed by 2 broke girls, because i adore kat dennings but… yeah, nope. i’m looking forward to the playboy club and up all night, though. and i wish i were into crime shows because prime suspect looks pretty great. but really, i’m just waiting for parks & rec to come back.
I’d love to have a Best Gifs Ever Post on AS. If this is a preview, it’s bound to be good.
http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/comment/39/2010/10/1b543cda57811e5b0b88f5ed72d80693/original.gif
oh. my. snug-god.
Best. Post Idea. Ever.
meh. great job Riese. however all I want is Greys and The Good Wife. oh and Modern Family.
I agree…meh. I’m just waiting for The Good Wife, Harry’s Law, Private Practice. Don’t know when The Big C will return, but I love it, and patiently waiting for Nurse Jackie to be back…2012…boo hoo.
Love the list adn the GIFs. And it’s a bummer that almost every review I’ve read on “New Girl” has been bad. Zooey Deschanel is capable of better.
But, you gotta squeeze The Good Wife and Dexter somewhere into those Sunday slots.
9pm – The Good Wife
10pm – Pan Am
11pm – Dexter (the later rebroadcast)
RINGERRRR
obvs i have printed and laminated (with clear packing tape) that amazing tv guide, with channel #s written in the margin because i haven’t memorized my cable lineup yet.
the playboy club: cute ladies + fashion inspiration + lesbians
2 Broke Girls makes me sad insidie because I naturally want to immediately watch something that has Kat Dennings in it.
That said, it looks like there are a few other shows I’ll be trying out on top of the usuals.
People still watch the Office?
Some thoughts:
1.) I just noticed that Christina Applegate looks like grown-up Dianna Agron.
2.) I thought about watching “2 Broke Girls” for 2 other girls on the show (read: Kat Dennings’ boobs)
3.) [Oprah voice] LAUURAAAAA BENAAAAAANTIIIIII! [/Oprah voice]
4.) “This show would be better if they replaced the Kardashians with like, Sadie Doyle and Tracie from Jezebel.” SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
5.) Girl from “Suburgatory” (ugh, I felt like such a dick typing that) looks like a knock-off Emma Stone, and that’s CLEARLY what they’re going for. Guys, “Emma Stone” is a TYPE now.
Also, you forgot “Finn Hudson (L)” in that bit about “Glee.”
Okay, not going to lie, the 2 broke girls show only interests me for the hilarity factor of ONE OF THE CHARACTERS BEING NAMED AFTER CAROL CHANNING.
Non sequitur:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhCEWnZEekU
Non sequitur:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhCEWnZEekU
THE GIFS ARE AMAHHH-ZING!
Everyone for the love of jeebus watch Happy Endings.
Can anyone tell me who the ‘verdict’ guy is in the photo for the secret circle? ’cause I swear he looks EXACTLY like my girlfriend’s dad :-s
I love Santana & Brittany <3
I just do.
And I love when they sang "Landslide".
Is Pretty Little Liars worth watching?
Santanaaaaaa :)
What about True Blood? :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oNhyszkFE4&feature=related
True Blood’s season is ending tonight so it won’t be around for the fall premieres.
But, besides Tara’s lesbian scenes early on, this season of True Blood has been the worst – BY FAR.
Oh whatever New Girl may look terribly over the top and perfectly gaudy but I’m going to loff every moment of it. Yes, loff.
Looking forward to Grimm and Ringer. I will also be watching The Secret Circle while eating popcorn with an expression of evil glee.
These GIFs are amazing.
OH.MYGOD. I am in the UK, and we got Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect- the woman played the Queen, for fucks sake. Instead, you get ‘Piedmont, North Dakota’ from Coyote Ugly???
DAMN YOU AMERICA!
On the flip side, thank you internet. Because I’ll be damned if I’m not watching Piedmont North Dakota every week…
Pfff, Helen Mirren is a badass bitch. I’d rather watch her any day.
I will have to give 2 broke girls a try just because Molly McAleer is one of my favorite writers…..I am so hoping the show is better than it looks!