Ask an Adult Lesbian: Get Your Shit Together, Shane

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Welcome to a special Bad Behavior Issue edition of You Need Help, lovingly rebranded Get Your Shit Together, Shane! Where fictional queer TV characters have got a problem and yo, our TV Team solves them. Or we at least try.


Q:

I could really use some dating advice. I’m starting to think I don’t know what I’m doing. I dated this one girl who tried to drown me due to internalized homophobia but we worked that out when she almost killed herself in a lightning storm riding her bike to my house to apologize in the middle of the night. She also grew out her bangs. We were on-again/off-again. The worst time we broke up was because I’d been lying to her about my first girlfriend being resurrected. She’d gotten murdered after flipping back for forth between mocking me for loving Beyoncé a little too much and kissing me and asking me to go to Paris with her. We ended up hooking up when she came back to life but then she married a fake psychiatrist who drugged her up and chained her to a bed and impregnated her with my eggs that I sold to go back to college and the sperm of this guy who used to volunteer at the sanitarium where all my friends got committed (he’s out of the picture; his girlfriend killed him to absorb the soul of her twin sister).

Anyway, but there are babies on the way now. I have also dated a married closeted woman, a flawless bisexual babe who got murdered by her fake cousin who I then accidentally sort of kissed and then stabbed to death, and this girl who took a lot of showers and kidnapped me and my friends at least ten times. Do you think I’m doing something wrong? Or is this just what love is? To be honest I’ve had a hard time really thinking clearly about love since my dad died. He’s the one who saved me from my school when it came to life and tried to slaughter me. It’s just been hard.

Sincerely,
Swims With Sharks

A:

Swims With Sharks,

There are two things you need to do right away: 1) Move out of your town. Your parents were unforgivably irresponsible not to remove you from it after — at the very least — the third axe-murder you witnessed or committed. The fact that you’re considering raising babies in this homicidal nightmare city is a clear indication you’ve been traumatized past the point of reasoning clearly. Think about this, Sharks: Are you really going to send your own children into the bowels of that sentient school building that terrorized you? 2) Step away from your first love.

Frankly, it sounds like she was a drama bomb before she died and that she wasn’t any more well-adjusted after she came back to life. Why, if she had your best interest at heart, did she ask you to keep the fact of her rebirth from your partner at the time? You both have clearly been victimized by the people and buildings in the hellscape where you reside, but you’re continuing to put her needs in front of your own, to the detriment of your safety and mental well-being. You’ve got to address your own trauma and its manifestations before you can help anyone else address theirs. There is no such thing as loving Beyoncé too much, and I question the character of anyone who would ever suggest such a thing.

Act normal bitch,
Heather

Q:

I know you probably get this a lot but I have some baggage and I’m not sure how to make my new relationship work with it. I’ve done most of the normal childish relationships stuff everybody has to get out of their system — cheated on my husband with his best friend, stole his sperm, had him arrested for domestic abuse, used his sister as my gynecologist of choice for secretly impregnating myself with his sperm, etc. — but I think I’m past all that now. Once my surprise twin sister showed up in my life and kept me awake but paralyzed so she could take over my life and force me to watch her raise my babies and have sex with my ex, I kind of saw the light. Anyway, I killed her. The problem is I told my lawyer I didn’t kill her and then I kind of fell for my lawyer and we got together… and then she realized I’d been lying about that one teensy tiny murder. (The other murder I did hasn’t come up yet, thank goodness.) Anyway, what should I do to get her back? I think we have something really special!

Yours sincerely,
Lady Macbeth

A:

Lady Macbeth,

I have one word for you, my sweet, and that word is HONESTY. The thing about skeletons in the closet is that we all have them and they are much scarier in the dark then they are in the light. Now maybe my skeleton closet doesn’t have actual murder in it per se, but hey, we’re all human! I bet your new girlfriend is mostly upset because you lied to her. Falling in love with your attorney is delicate business, and delicacy requires a lot of trust. I’m sorry to tell you this, LM, but you broke that trust. The first thing you need to do is own up to it. Bring your skeletons to light! I know this is going to sound awful to you, but it’s time to be a mess. Let her see your worst. Then, trust her to help you pick up the pieces.

After you’ve done that, if she forgives you, you can both rebuild your foundation – together. With a pen name like Lady Macbeth, I can tell you enjoy power. My dear Lady, the key is remembering that you’re not alone! It’s time to stop acting from a place of isolation. This is cliché, but Teamwork really does make the Dream Work. If you get out of your own way just a little bit, maybe you can build that team with your lawyer love! Who better to get you off the hook for multiple murders? I’m rooting for you two crazy kids! I really am! (And even if she doesn’t come back, something tells me that you have a large wacky family in your corner).

Sending all my love to Miami Beach,
Carmen

Q:

Hi. So, I’m sort of surrounded by queer people — my brother, my moms, my sister puts off a really strong gay vibe and made out with her best friend at our last school dance — and recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m queer too? I’d never really considered being into girls until this one girl I was helping with immigration stuff made a move on me, and then I was like, “Hmmmmmm.” You know? I’m actually very bad at relationships. I date selfish assholes like my stepbrother (I know, it’s gross, I see that now) or I date really good guys I end up blowing it with because I don’t spend enough time with them because — you know that dog in the movie Up who’s like “SQUIRREL!” every time a squirrel goes by and he forgets what he was doing and now his life is all about that squirrel? I’m like that if I see someone whose drama I could get involved in. The more outlandish and more dangerous the drama, the better! My moms are always telling me to mind my own business, but why? When there’s so many other people’s businesses I could be getting wrapped up in, to the detriment of my physical, emotional, and mental health? UGH I LOVE IT. Anyway, though, do you think I could be bisexual? Or pansexual? Or something like that? Is it too much if *everyone* in your family is gay?

Thanks!
CFA

A:

Hi CFA,

First of all, I’m glad you acknowledged that the stepbrother situation is… not great so that I don’t have to tackle that part. Second of all, oh my god it’s absolutely not too much if everyone in your family is gay! That sounds to me like the ideal family tbh. I can understand your weird feelings about exploring your sexuality though. Sometimes, it’s paradoxically harder to come out when you’re surrounded by gay people. But it really sounds to me like you have a real connection with this girl, and I think you should explore that further. Don’t get too stressed about labels or anything like that. Bisexual, pansexual, queer, etc — you’ll figure it out! That stuff will come in time, and it sounds like your family will be supportive no matter what. For now, think about how it felt when this girl made a move on you. Do you want more? Ask her how she feels, too. She might be freaking out if you haven’t addressed it yet. I will say that if you have a pattern of jumping into relationships very quickly and taking on other people’s problems, also be conscious of that when you’re thinking about your feelings toward her. Do you like her or do you like her struggle? Ask yourself these hard questions, CFA. Good luck!

love,
Kayla

Q:

Hi ya! I think I might need a little bit of advice around the acquisition of children. I want children and have always wanted children. Things are a little complicated on that front because I’m a pretty recently out lesbian who also had a pretty recently heart-shattering break up with my fiancée (who was also my first love). (She didn’t want kids.) I have a very successful career. Very successful. And I just got a huge promotion. I also have some, um, complicated family responsibilities. I’m very close to my sister and she sometimes gets into trouble and needs my help. (Not like bad trouble. Good trouble. Just, you know, hypothetically I might have plans for a quiet night alone with a bourbon and a pizza and there’s a 50/50 chance it’s going to get derailed because she calls me up to help her, let’s say, save the planet from sociopathic alien invaders. Something like that. Again: hypothetical.)

So I know being a single mom will be tricky but ever since my fiancée left it’s all I can think about it, like I’ve gotta make it worth it that she left me by getting one hundred to two hundred children. I could have my own but that would take time and I want them NOW! I’ve thought of setting up possum traps (the bigger ones). I’ve thought of just taking the kids from the hypothetical aliens my sister captures. (I’ve thought about that one a lot.) Maybe I could just ask at the park and see who wants to come home with me? What do you think, am I rushing it? What kind if bait would you put in a possum trap to get a kid to even go in there?

Yours most sincerely,
Talex Tanvers

Dear Talex,

I have some questions about why you have to drop what you’re doing for your sister but that wasn’t what you wrote in about, so I’ll let that go for now. But it sounds to me like a lot of your problems could be solved if you just slowed down. Take a deep breath and look at everything you have. You have a sister you obviously care about. You have a job you just got a promotion in, so obviously you’re good at it. You’re out of the closet and able to be your real, full, true self now. Enjoy it. For a while at least. It sounds a little like this whole coming out, getting engaged, and having your heart broken situation happened over a fairly short period of time, and it sounds like you’re not giving yourself a chance to reset and figure out who you really are. Settle into your new position at work, spend some time getting to know who you are, before you throw another person into the mix.

I know it feels like you have to become a mother ASAP if the reason you’re not with the love of your life is because you wanted kids and she didn’t, but that’s not true. Your feelings are real and valid, even if you don’t have kids in the next year, even if you decide in five years you don’t want kids at all. The decision you made at the time was right for you at the time. You did the right thing, not continuing down a road that could have lead to resentment and bitterness. And another thing is, it sounds like probably this feeling like you want to be a parent is pretty deep-rooted, so what’s the harm in waiting a few years? Especially because it’s clear that physically birthing a child isn’t a hard requirement in your obtainment of children, why not wait a few years and see what happens?

Maybe you’ll meet someone new who you love AND want to have children with. Maybe you’ll just learn more about yourself and then be truly ready to be a single mother. But right now it seems like there’s too much going on in your life and you’re rushing into this for the wrong reasons, just to prove your breakup wasn’t pointless. So I’m here to tell you it wasn’t pointless. I’m here to give you permission to sit back and breathe. Take some time for yourself — hell, even just ONE year — and then reassess the situation.

Wishing you love and relaxation,
Valerie Anne

Q:

I think I might have a cheating problem. I love women, okay? I looove women. And I love sex. And I love having sex with women. The problem is I can’t stay loyal to one, and it results in a lot of bad stuff. Like one time I left this goddess at the altar. Another time I had sex with a real estate agent in the apartment I was trying to rent with my girlfriend, and that girlfriend ended up burning down my hair salon. There were these entrepreneur bitches in town one time, they owned like a lesbian oil wrestling club. I slept with them with them and promised that I’d only sleep with them together, but of course I slept with one of them solo the first chance I got. After that I swore off sex, but then I went to do hair at this wedding and had sex with literally every bridesmaid. I got into a relationship with my best friend who either drowned or was murdered in our other friends’ pool. I just don’t know where to go from here? How can I learn to actually commit?

What if these brownies are gay,
Shane McCutcheon

Q:

I’m writing for advice because — despite having literally everything else in my life under complete and total control — I cannot stop cheating! Once I cheated on my life partner with a wall in a jail, and then with the carpenter who was on the jail cot watching me have sex with the jail wall. I finally got into a long term relationship with someone who was really good for me, another artist, and I cheated on her with my former life partner! That was a real low point for me. My artist girlfriend was deaf and I just cheated out loud right in front of her on the phone because she couldn’t hear me. I’m back with my life partner now and I want to NOT fucking cheat on her! What the fucking fuck is wrong with me? How many fucking times do I have to cheat to fucking get it? I could really use some help.

Fuck!
Weho Power Suits

A:

Dear Shane and Power Suits,

I hope you don’t mind but I am going to combine your questions so that I can give you the best answer I can. You both seem to be setting yourself up for failure, and I want to gently encourage you to let yourself off the hook. Monogamy is not for everyone, and that is A-OK!

What is not OK is lying or not being clear to your partners. They should be given the opportunity, right upfront, to decide what they need in a relationship. Power Suits, I don’t think you intentionally keep cheating, but also you had to know that having phone sex with another woman in front of your deaf partner was pretty gross behavior. None of us are defined solely by our worst actions. Still, I know you’re better than this. You’re starting over again with your life partner. It’s time to get real with each other! You’ve cheated twice already in the past, what is the game plan if that happens again in the future? Is she comfortable in a non-monogamous relationship? What would the ground rules for that relationship look like? These are tricky conversations, so I recommend enlisting the help of a gay-friendly couples counselor! I also recommend writing these new guidelines down, because I think everything feels more manageable when it’s in writing. In the end, she may not be down for non-monogamous relationship, and that is OK, too! She’s allowed a choice. If your love languages aren’t the best for each other, it’s better you know that now. You can still be family without being a romantic couple.

Shane, you wrote in with your real actual name so I’m going to be more frank: Get Your Shit Together, Shane.

Babe, you’re poly. That’s just the plain truth. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move on in a healthy direction. Poly folks rock and I’m so happy that you get to join the club! Looking for a place to start reading up on polyamory? Cool, may I recommend our series Poly Pocket? You’re gonna love it.

In conclusion: You’re both fucking hot and I would do you any day,
Carmen

Q:

About two years ago, I let the woman I love — the only person to ever make me believe I could love — go. She had a shot at happiness with another woman and I told her to take it. I couldn’t commit to her in that moment; I couldn’t ask her to hold on for the possibility of something with me, when the reality of something with this other woman seemed so promising. I had to let her go.

The years since have been hell, to put it mildly. I’ve lost friends and my home, I nearly lost my freedom and my livelihood, and, at every turn, I’ve thought about calling her. She’d come if I asked, I know she would, and I certainly could have used her help and support, but I relented. I couldn’t drag her back into my mess. I couldn’t let the most beautiful thing that had never happened to me see me at my ugliest.

But, somehow, I’ve managed to crawl out of the hole I was in. I’m sober for the first time in years. I’ve rebuilt my career and my reputation. I’ve strengthened my bond with my family, made new friends and reconnected with old ones, this time under a firmer foundation. I am better but I’m still without her.

I feel worthy of her for the first time and now that decision I made two years ago, to let her love someone else, haunts me. I rerun our last conversations over and over in my head — just before she told me about the other woman, I joked that I could move and become her trophy wife and she said, “I’m down for that” — and wonder if there’s still a chance for us. What if I ran to her right now and asked… no, begged… her to give us a real chance? Would it be cruel to upset the life she’s built and the happiness she’s found for me to grab hold of the life I never thought I was worthy of until now?

Yours,
Diana Ross

A:

There’s a big part of me that wants to tell you to “Run, Run, Run” to your lady love and tell her “My World is Empty Without You.” After all, “Everybody’s got the Right to Love.” But “You Can’t Hurry Love”, sometimes, as the song goes, you just have to wait. You have to trust that there “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” and that “Someday [You’ll] Be Together”.

Okay, okay… I’m done with the Diana Ross and the Supremes puns… it was just too easy.

In all seriousness, though: congratulations on putting your life back on track. It certainly sounds like it was a long road to get to where you are now and you should be proud of yourself for having accomplished it. But you have to remember, this process of remaking your life, you did this for you, not her. You have to commit yourself to being this best version of yourself for you.

I’d advise you to reach out to her, but only if, when you’re really honest with yourself, you can imagine yourself being just her friend. If you can imagine yourself as her friend, feeling real joy when she’s excited about this life she’s built with this other woman, then contact her again. Do it without flirting and without expectations about what she’ll say in response. But, if you can’t imagine being happy for her happiness, perhaps you’re not as ready as you think you are to invite her back into your life.

In that case, consider someone else: is there anyone you could get under while you try to get over her? Maybe a queer hotshot lawyer who you hate but are also just super turned on by? Why don’t you try that for maybe the equivalent of one TV season, while you continue to work on your recovery? If, after that season, you still feel the way you do now, then think of the love of your life as endgame, hop on your white horse and make your intentions known! Maybe you could even sing Your Heart Belongs to Me and welcome her “Back in [Your] Arms Again?”

(Okay, now I’m really done.)

Best of luck to you, Diana.
Natalie

Q:

I’m writing for some relationship advice. I’ve recently met this girl I like a lot. Like *a lot*. We’ve done all the usual early-relationship things: movies, drag-racing, my psychotic father’s will-reading, she joined my cheer squad, I joined her motorcycle gang, we hunted a serial killer together. She also broke me out of conversion therapy. So great, right? The problem is, I’m not historically very good at longterm relationships. Or, like… relationships at all. I have a minor history of stalking and arson. I also probably have trust issues. My mom’s… a lot. Anyway, do you have any good tips for how we can keep getting stronger together as a couple and how I can show her how much she means to me? I would definitely torch a historic landmark for her. Is that too much? Too little? I’m also for sure smart enough to learn how to make bombs. If I needed to destroy something a fire couldn’t handle. I could also help her fake her own death? I’m really good at a lot of things, just not romance. Any tips you have would be greatly appreciated.

Yours, etc.
Sweetwater

A:

Hi Sweetwater,

Wow, this girl sounds amazing! It sounds like things have moved pretty quickly for you two and you’ve already been through a lot emotionally, and sometimes that can actually make things more confusing at the beginning of the relationship. It sounds to me like you might have an anxious attachment style, which is not a problem at all but is something that’s good to know about yourself so that you can know why you have tendencies to make grand gestures like arson and stalking. Try to be aware of what precedes these behaviors. It sounds like this girl has already been there for you in huge ways (i.e. breaking you out of conversion therapy), so if you ever find yourself thinking that she’s pulling away or that she doesn’t know how much you care about her, remind yourself of these ways she has shown you her own love in the past. Don’t make a bomb! Your love sounds like it already burns brightly — no need to make that literal! It’s okay to not be good at “romance.” People love and show their love in different ways. But I would say just keep doing the things you like to do with her, and ask her about what she likes to do. Find NON-VIOLENT ways to spend time together, and get to know each other’s friends. The romance will follow.

All the best,
Kayla

Q

Hi. I’ve always been a really good kid. Straight As, never talking back, several successful extra-curriculars. I am a walking early acceptance to any college I want. Lately, though, I’ve been getting into some trouble and I feel guilty about it. I’ve been going behind my parents’ back, sneaking around and spying, plotting and hatching plans, lying a little bit, and, most recently, running away. (I’m writing this from inside a cave.) I’ve always been taught to believe that I should do what my parents tell me to do. My mom’s a very famous pastor of a very famous church! It’s just that, I recently found out she’s part of a cult that kidnaps and sacrifices teenagers in some kind of supernatural ritual????? It’s weird, right? It’s weird! (Also, sidenote, I may also be supernatural but I’m not really sure what’s up with that yet.) Anyway, how do I let go of this guilt? I want to be a good person!

love,
Rainbow Warrior

Oh, Rainbow, I feel your plight! I mean the bit about sacrificing teenagers is a little concerning, but I’m assuming you were being hyperbolic. First of all, color me surprised that a pastor is part of a cult. It’s also not that shocking to me that your mother is such a big part of a church and you’re carrying around so much guilt. I’m going to assume the “bad behavior” you speak of — though frankly it sounds like pretty standard teenage stuff for the most part — happened after you realized your mother was part of this cult? It’s strange, isn’t it, that moment in your childhood where you realize your parents aren’t infallible. That maybe they DON’T know best. That maybe these rules they put in place for you that you’ve been following so diligently all your life are… arbitrary. Just rules they made up because they thought it would make you into the person they wanted you to be. But as you get older, you’re going to start to figure out the person that YOU want to be. And then you’re going to have to figure out your own set of rules. Some of them might end up being the same rules!

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a kind heart in your chest. So maybe some of those rules will continue to guide you in that respect. But the ones you find yourself breaking, the ones that are causing you this guilt: examine them closely. Putting aside the disappointed looks or stern lectures or raving rampages you’re imagining your parent(s) giving you because they found out you broke one of those rules, here are some things to consider: What was the original purpose of the rule? Was it for your safety, or was it just a guideline set in place for the sake of guidelines? Did breaking the rule hurt anyone? Did breaking the rule make you feel good (until the guilt kicked in)? If someone else did the same thing you did, what would you think of them? Because here’s the truth of it: it’s time to make your own rules.

It’s not going to be easy, picking apart the things you do just out of habit, the paths you follow just because you always have, and figuring out which parts of you are organic and which are artificial. Which parts of you to cling to because they make up your core being and which parts aren’t you at all. And it’s not going to be quick. I’m 31 years old and just a few months ago someone asked me why I ate poultry and fish but no other meat. And for the first time, the question was coming out of a genuine curiosity, so for the first time, I told the story in a way that wasn’t defensive or an excuse. So it was almost like hearing the story for the first time. You see, when I was 12 or 13, I told my mother I wanted to be a vegetarian. She said no, something about me not getting enough protein, but we compromised by saying I still had to eat poultry and fish but could quit eating all other kinds of meat. And for almost 20 years, that’s exactly what I did. For almost two full decades, I was blindly following a rule my mother made for me when I was 12 years old. (I’m a full vegetarian now.)

So it will take time and energy and a lot of self-reflection, and even talking to other people about whether they follow the same rules or what kinds of boundaries they set for themselves to see if it’s something that might fit you, too. It’s not a foolproof process, and it’s not something you figure out once then never think about again. But I can promise you this: once you do figure out which rules were arbitrary, which rules don’t apply to the person you want to be? Breaking them will be guilt-free.

Wishing you joy and freedom,
Valerie Anne

Q:

I just got a girlfriend… my first, unless you count that brief flirtation I had with my teacher… and everything’s going great.

Well, sort of. My family and friends know about her, but her family doesn’t know about me. I doubt hers would accept us if they did; they’re the sort to spend Saturdays on street corners rowing about “Keeping Britain British” and banning Muslims. Though my immediate family has been good about it, I can’t imagine living where we do and letting everyone know that I’m a lesbian and that she’s my girlfriend. I suppose it’s only in our little love bubble — where it’s just her and me — that everything’s going great.

Or, it was.

The other day, we’re talking about these decisions I have to make about University and how stressed I am about it. I don’t know what I expected her to say — something encouraging or supportive, I suppose — but instead, she says that I should just stay in our town with her. I didn’t really know how to react. Yes, I’ve imagined a future with her but all the fantasies fast-forwarded past the part that would require us to be separated for large chunks of the year.

At what point do you start to make decisions about your life with your relationship in mind? Are the dreams that I had even worth pursuing if she’s not part of them? And if I don’t make this decision with her in mind, what’s that say about the state of our relationship? Should we break up?

Please help,
Serena

A:

My Dearest Serena,

There will come a time when you meet a woman and you’ll both decide that you want to build a life together… and, together, you’ll find a way to intertwine your lives — your work, your family, your homes — in a way in which even the sacrifices feels worthwhile. You’ll accept things like the smaller closet or the longer commute or whatever because the thing you want most of all is to wake up next to the woman you love. One day that’ll happen for you, Serena, but today is not that day.

Your University decision has to be about you and only you. It has to be about what kind of life you imagine for yourself, irrespective of anyone else, and what school will put you on the path to getting there. To do anything else is just guaranteeing that, one day, you’ll wake up resenting the person that stood in your way. Haven’t you seen Felicity? Ben Covington was a cautionary tale for all of us… don’t turn your girlfriend into Ben.

I can’t tell you if you should break up with your girlfriend or not. You might find a university nearby that allows you to visit regularly or you might be a couple that thrives, despite the distance. That said, you should be realistic about what lies ahead. Going to University means experiencing new things and meeting new people. You have to be open about all the possibilities and not feel even the least bit guilty when they command your attention.

Best of luck,
Natalie

Q:

So I always heard lesbians are man-haters which seemed like bullshit to me, and I dunno, kind of gross? Like reverse sexism or something? Lately though I’m starting to think there’s no such thing as reverse sexism? All the men in my life who have been celebrated and held up as heroes, they kind of suck. I won’t get too into it but my high school show choir teacher was way over-involved in our lives. He failed at his own singing and acting career so he was always trying to relive his glory days through us. One time he for real sang the “Thong Song” to his girlfriend in our choir room. One time he sang that date rape song “Blurred Lines” while gyrating all over my classmates in the hallway. One time he got us all wheelchairs to perform in (to teach us a lesson about diversity?). His main thing was telling us all the ways we sucked, telling us how to fix how we sucked, and then standing back and waiting to be showered with adoration for loving us even though we sucked. Then there was our high school quarterback, another hero. He outed me, just for starters. (I slapped him in his head for it.) And, like, you’ve seen what’s going on in the world. The point is… what is this thing I am feeling? Is something wrong with me?

See ya,
Lord Tubbington’s Other Mother

A:

Lord Tubbington’s Other Mother,

I have some great news: Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. What you’re experiencing is misandry, and you have already proven in this one paragraph why it’s sometimes a necessary coping mechanism for living in this world. My advice: Lean into it. Watch the movie Nine to Five and let it sink in that it was made thirty-eight years ago and is still completely relevant! Watch it again. Dance to it. Sing Dolly Parton with your whole heart. Then go out into the world and unleash your rightful wrath. Wash your hair in men’s misery. Drink in their tears like fresh rain. Take what’s yours.

I will never stop believin’ in you,
Heather 


The Autostraddle TV Team is made up of Riese Bernard, Carmen Phillips, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Valerie Anne, Natalie, and Heather Hogan. Follow them on Twitter!

The TV has written 37 articles for us.

25 Comments

    • No, trust me, you did right by stopping. That show was a festering wound that someone kept poking and not letting heal. And I’m guessing that Sara Harvey was the one that kidnapped them ten times?! Jenna never did cause she couldn’t even if she wanted to (blind as a bat) and Cece was never Emily’s romantic interest so that leaves Shower Harvey. Should’ve just said “I dated This one bitch that ran up the water bill”

    • I just want them to break up already. It was a funny joke while it lasted, now give Emily her happy ending with Paige the same way all the other liars got their main bed buddies back by the end of the show. Alison can go off and be with Mona (in the biblical way as well as the physical way) for all I care but please stop torturing Paige and Emily and let them be happy again together.

  1. I’ll never understand why the concept of polyamory didn’t appear to even OCCUR to Shane or any of the people watching her crash and burn on a thrice-seasonally basis! What were they thinking? Anyway, thanks for all this fab advice content!

  2. Oh my goodness, this is perfect. The letters are wonderful and hilarious (I laughed out loud so much at Alex Danvers’ in particular. Possum traps!!), and also so accurate, and the responses are sweet and funny and real and actually genuinely v helpful. This is a very very good thing, and I want to own it in a printed form. I know that like “copyright” is a thing but…a zine? Pls help or else I’ll just print this out on my work computer and sew it together with rainbow embroidery floss.

  3. “It sounds like probably this feeling like you want to be a parent is pretty deep-rooted, so what’s the harm in waiting a few years?” Uhm, in the midst of probably my favourite TV piece of all time there is actually some hard-hitting truth. Thank you, Valerie Anne!

  4. A bit harsh on Paige and idealises Maya by comparison. In other words on point because that’s extremely in character for Emily to dump on the one girl that treats her like a goddess and talk up the girls that treat her like shit. And by that I mean girls who’d abandon her with serial killers and block her only exit to save their own asses and girls who joke around about very serious actual threats in the form of psychotic stalkers who may or may not turn on you next after finding wherever she’s been hiding and snatching her up and snapping her neck in your backyard to send a message. Maya was a jerk in season 2 but everybody always talks about her like she was a sweet, sweet angel, whereas no single conversation where the three romantic interests are pinned against one another goes by where Paige’s scare tactics don’t get called a ‘drowning attempt’ and brought up to demonize Paige even though that shit happened once and as far back as Paige’s first or second episode or whatever. Yet everybody forgets that Alison was still hustling everyone and being the same bitchy person she always was well into season seven and argues that she’s ‘changed’ and her slate should be wiped clean!

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