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A few things happened in my Dungeons and Dragons world in the past few weeks. First, my Dungeon Master moved to Oxford so our (half-queer) game went digital. Second, since a friend and I longed for a physical, real-tabletop gaming experience once again, we decided I should DM for a group of our writer friends. I anticipate good things from a group where five of six members have graduate degrees in fiction. As a player, I always roll butch lesbians because I think I deserve to see myself reflected in tales of other worlds. And that’s the beauty of playing a tabletop RPG—you can just do that. But now that I’m DMing, I have the power to do more. SO. MUCH. MORE. I can write the gayest NPCs, encounters and storylines in the history of the world. I’m mad with power. But the question remains: how much is too much? You tell me.
Are These 15 Storylines Too Gay for My D&D Campaign?
- A queer Druid spends eight hours a day in Beast Shape as a cat to better understand the needs of her feral colony.
- A third-level genderqueer Bard casts Enthrall by singing Julia Nunes’s gay-ass classic, “Make Out.”
- Replace the Zhentarim with the Gay Mafia. It’s lead by a piano playing, purple-spectacle-wearing wizard named Elminster John.
- A seventeenth-level Cleric of Ioun uses Visions of the Past to make sure her cheating ex hasn’t used the dildo she won in the divorce with anyone else.
- Rolling a critfail while flirting results in a random outcome chosen from the folder of You Need Help questions on my computer.
- Two words: Butch. Paladins.
- A princess locked in a tower develops a special relationship with her dragon guardian: he only eats the men who come to rescue her and, on her signal, spares the women. “Girl, I gotchu,” he says, and while they’re waiting for the perfect butch paladin, they do a karaoke rendition of “Let’s Have a Kiki.” He is a literal wingman.
- No queer NPCs die. No stray arrows.
- New barbarian path: Way of the Otter. Because we can’t have Way of the Bear without it.
- Rolling a nat-twenty while flirting means I just play a Crash Pad episode for thirty seconds.
- If a male player makes a misogynistic comment that has nothing to do with storyline or character development, he has to complete a lap around my living room while impersonating John Cleese in The Ministry of Silly Walks.
- New option on the Wild Magic table: upon rolling a 69, you transform into that Snapchat filter such that when you open your mouth, you puke illusory rainbows. Attacks against you have disadvantage for the next three rounds.
- New homebrewed class: House Boi. Proficiencies: woodworking tools, brewing tools, blacksmiths’ tools when forging BDSM implements.
- New use of the renown system: tracking poly relationships.
- Everyone gets this d20 and only this d20: