Remember when times were simpler? Harken back–before Dana died, before Betty existed–and maybe you’ll remember the line that started it all, the line that called to us like a siren in the distance: “Bette. Come Here. I’m Ovulating.”

The L Word’s almost over!! Two short-but-sweet weeks from now, we’ll all be forced to look at each others’ faces and speak words to each other about actual life instead of funneling all our feelings into fictional characters who change personalities every season and often disappear suddenly without warning/explanation.

Jenny stayed controversial ’cause her behavior didn’t demand universal like or dislike, and the dislike it prompted was real. Bette & Tina’s relationship does that too — there’s been interesting cases on both sides throughout the show’s run, often influenced by how much you personally relate and your feelings on monogamy, CORE values, etc.. Like Jenny, we consider Bette & Tina with nuance and personal subjectivity.

We all know that foreplay’s what this show does best. Like a twatilicious lover, The L Word relishes in getting us all riled up and subsequently leaving us alone and naked on the couch with a lukewarm Dos Equis and tears in our eyes. “High and dry” I believe it’s called.

I hope you had sex this week because no one on The L Word did. Instead, Phyllis has a crush on Alice, Angus is Butter Boy, and Shane continues to feed Shay food that she should be eating.

If Paige and Shane have already done the time then they might as well do the crime you know what I mean ladies?

Despite the fact that angus is a lying low-down nanny-fucking motherfucker, GIRLS ACTUALLY HAVE SEX THIS EPISODE. Even Kit and Papi. Ew, we know.

“Street Talk” is, without a doubt, on my personal Top Ten of monumental, earth-shattering, all-time life-changing television events. It’s right up there with Jordan Catalano & Angela Chase holding hands, Dana & Alice makin’ sweet love for the first time, Obama’s victory speech and that man-on-the-moon thing.

Good news: on a scale of one to ten, this episode was “not bad!” There was a surprising amount of sex from miss i-never-give-the-girls-what-they-want chaiken, it was directed by Jamie Babbit, Foxy Brown came to the jailhouse, and Inconceivable showed up from ‘The Princess Bride.’

So guys: Ourchart. have you heard of it? OurChart, I mean. Are you on OurChart? Basically Peggy Peabody and Carlie’s Angels are the only redeeming facets of this godforsaken show.

Better is riding a tractor, Jenny is riding a raft, and Paige is riding Shane in the ’50s. Shining moments include scenes with the Lynch [who can do no wrong] and Dana Fairbanks [may she rest in peace].

Why are there twice as many lesbian squabbles as lesbian sexy moments in this show? Oh yeah, it’s because this is the way that we liveeeeeeeee. This is the one where Ilene reminds us all that men are disgusting, loathsome creatures by making henry cut his toenails.

Oh look! A special visit from The Ditty Bops! In this installment of our favorite saga, Alice says “what the frickin’ frack?!,” Max stlll has an unfortunately soulpatch, and Alice and Shane make us remember why vandalism can be fun.

Jenny is more Jenny than EVER this season, Shane fucks it up again, Helena’s even pretty in jail, and someone commits arson! arson! Oh yeah, and Alice and Tasha are cutehotadorablesexybeautifuletcetc.

The top three ways you can tell EZ-Girl wrote this episode? Max kissed mice when he was little, Tina likes movies that are very “visual”, and Catharine thinks drawing with lipstick is sexy. Luckily, Jenny just wants to take off her clothes in public.