First of all. Please everyone go to this Our Chart page right now, and nominate me to be a Guestbian blogger at OurChart. Seriously, because otherwise it’s going to be you-know-who. Also, Our Chart is up now. You can start your page, be my friend, or whatevs.
I have been told by my intern full-time caretaker that I get “fierce” in this re-cap. I just want everyone to know that no matter what I say, I love this show. Yes, I love it. I’m not afraid to say it. I must love it, right? Otherwise would I willingly watch each episode 72,000 times? And then re-cap it? Yeah. I LOVE THIS SHOWWWW! No matter how bad it is, I will still love it.
Tara just called me a hater. Because I am hating on this episode. However, I DID remark that the final musical number was–and I quote–“the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life.” (Yes, I’m quoting myself.) This episode was heavy on “blah blah feelings feelings” etc. If I wanted to process my emotions, I would be IN a complicated long-term high-drama relationship, I wouldn’t be watching complicated high-drama relationships on television. Tara just told me I’m acting “like a guy.” Then so be it. I am a guy. I am a guy who prefers more flash and cash and smash bash. Tara now would like to take that back, because she doesn’t believe in a gender binary system. Word. Me neither. She says gender is fluid. Right on. You know what else is fluid? The river of tears that flowed through this episode like the river that took Moses to the people who took care of him in the story about Moses. And we all know how that story ended. Or, someone should.
Sunday Morning Re-Cap:
Okay. If Haviland, who likes this show about 20% as much as Tara and I do, enjoyed the episode, then I AM a hater. It was cute. Stuff happened. A lot of stuff happened, and there were some funny moments, and it was cute, and made me imagine a little fantasy world where, say, clouds were made of marshmallows.
So I saw it this week with Tara on Friday night, then Haviland and KIM! (guest star this week, in from the secret lesbian oasis of Reno, Nevada!!) on Sunday morning, then again with Kim right now (Sunday night, as I begin this re-cap, under the pipe dream that it will be done before I turn into a pumpkin). Maybe again at 11, who knows?
Because we could not assemble for a group photograph, I present instead, for your reference, a photo-strip of sorts, taken right here with my MacBook web-cam, which means each lady was given the same benefits of lighting, backdrop, etc.
1. Still about the churros. It turns out that much like corn dogs, churros are not a desert food. In fact, churros are large sticks of vegan sausage, native to the Ukraine and re-invented in the 1950s by the Beat Movement and the movie “Rebel Without a Cause.” In 2002, the lesbian boarding school film, “Miss Mary’s Academy for Sinners,” exchanged its NC-17 rating for a PG-13 when they replaced a girl-on-girl hand-holding scene with a short clip of the protagonist, Becky Dimple, giving a blowjob to a large vegan sausage while an ambiguously ethnic girl in astronaut pants stood above her and chanted “Who’s your Papi?”
2. I spelled Mallorca wrong, but then I fixed it. So that doesn’t really count.
3. I am PERFECT.
Dance Your Cares Away, Worries for Another Day, Let the Music Play … This is a cross between a CAKE party, a Victoria’s Secret Angels Fashion Show, a Cirque Du Soleil performance and that “INDUSTRY! ENERGY!” scene from “Beaches.” If you think about, like, the world–like, in general? This scene is not so unpleasant to rest one’s eyes upon. Not one bit. Totally weird, fo’ sure, but this show is essentially the most random thing on television.
And Just Like That. I’m Jenny’s Girl. Yes, I’m Gonna Be Jenny’s Girl.
Tina is taking Jenny on a series of meetings with potential producers for “Lez Girls.” I swear to God, people, the portrayal of the publishing world in this storyline is so flawed it’s almost criminal. A book usually goes 2 years between contract signing and publication, not like, 2 weeks. And her payment schedule…ok. NM. I could go on. But I won’t. Because no one cares but me.Tina is taking Jenny on a series of meetings with potential producers for “Lez Girls.”
Subject: Req. for Producers of Lez Girls
2. wants to see two lesbians naked really bad
3. considers this desire semi-groundbreaking.
4. uses the word “groundbreaking” almost as much as the word “edgy.”
5. expresses absolutely horrifying ignorance of basic facts of the movie industry; e.g., that the MPAA wouldn’t mind homosexual sex between women because there is no penetration or spermification. This is very much not true.
6. inspire me to make comments like: “Your films are very visual.”
So FYI, re: the MPAA’s feelings about lesbian sex: from the website of “This Film is Not Yet Rated”
Anyhow. This guy has an idea where people will be like, “We’ve never seen anything like it? What is this?” because it’s two girls fucking. Which is hard to identify. For the ten million Americans watching girl-on-girl porn right now. Oh wait. Never mind. That’s not the same kind of fucking. Whatever, this guy is a douchebag. He also wants them to really go at it in realit y–he suggests: “Would it be interesting if they were really having sex?” Which makes him the 15th straight man to express that desire within the last millisecond.
Also, not only did I love Crazy/Beautiful, but I actually also own it. Yes, not only do I love it, I la-la-la-la-love it. But was it a “great film”? An amazing film? (As it is, according to Tina). No, it was just an entertaining film. Jenny is seriously not into his theories. Tina is concerned about the differences between what he’s describing and pornography. He says it’s that porn doesn’t have a story. And “this has a GREAT story.” Right. GREAT STORY. Anyhow, speaking of GREAT STORIES, we have 245 more happening this season, so we’d best move on to the next snippet of story development, aka the next “scene” ….
Look! It’s Jodi and Nadia! JK. It’s one of the other young blonde lesbian co-eds who wear trendy blazers and get hot for teacher. Bette notices that Jodi has accidentally put on a tapestry intended for draping over a lamp and she is horrified. She goes right over there to passive-aggressively take care of business. She’s gonna rip that shirt right off of her and pop her down into a pair of outer-space pants. JK.
Lesbian Squabble #23: Me and You and Your Girlfriend Makes Three
In the Ring: Bette and Jodi.
Content/Result: Bette is appearing in a short film that combines the lacy lifting lyrics of poetry with the beautiful image of Jennifer Beals. IT’S BITCH! HOLLA DANIELA SEA’S GIRLFRIEND AND FORMER MEMBER OF BITCH AND ANIMAL! Easy like easy, hard like hard, yeah, you tell ’em, righteous bitch.
In the film, Bette spies her lover, Jodi, who I semi-despise right now, with another woman. She goes right over there to passively-aggressively take care of business. I hate to be the one to rain on this parade o’ disaster, but Bette’s a little premature here. I mean, how long have they been dating? A week? Whatevs. You know who wins this fight? People who don’t like this show.
Kim says this is the Cockblocking Episode. This is our first cockblock.
I’ve Had a Little Bit to Drink, and It’s Making Me Think That I Can Jump Ship and Swim, That the Ocean Will Hold Me, That There’s Got to Be More Than This Boat I Am In.
Kit looks pretty in that dress. It’s her “I’m drunk and lookin’ to be rocked” look. She’s all like, I got my beer. Whatchu lookin’ at? She askes why the Mange is still hanging around. Male characters never last this many episodes, I mean, really Papi? Go in the steps of your forefathers. Join Tim and Mark and Henry and Billy into the light. Go into the light. Max–jog a bit and you can catch up, eh, kiddo? (Just kidding. I heart Max. Fo’ reals.) Angus is here because someone’s gotta bring home the bacon. I mean, do inventory. Whatever. I’m sure Hazel could “do” your “inventory.”
Hi Angus. It’s called a razor … and a door … or just put eyeliner on again, that was hot. Remember when you wore eyeliner and sang songs to Kit? Back in the old days, when Dana was still alive?
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree! Then Kit goes into her office. There are at least $1,700 worth of flowers in there. Seriously, you could like, sponsor 10,000 kids in Nepal for that amount. Talk about the depths of sorrow, Hazelfucker. Kit sits down to face the bottle. You know, the proverbial bottle. But a real one. She keeps it around for moments like this one, when we need a literal representation of her mental conflict because the writers for this show aren’t exactly like, um, Sarte, or something.
Haviland: She’s debating if she wants to drink or not.
Me: I know, but it would be like, way cooler if we THINK she’s considering taking a drink, but then there’s a twist and what she’s really considering is if she’s got enough lubrication in her vaginal canal to handle that bottle and then she just hiked up her sundress and was like “Okay boys, let’s roll!”
[Kim and Haviland look at me like I’m a maniac]
Papi comes in with some classy red roses. She looks around at the botanical gardens growing in Kit’s office and wonders if perhaps she should have instead perhaps bought a child for less than a cup of coffee. Neglected children, like Helena’s National Lampoon-ish children.
You’ll Never Need a Man Ever Again. Men Don’t Even Know a Circle from a Square: Papi shows up with a pretty bangin’ bouquet of roses and observes “Damn … looks like somebody beat me to it.” She would like to take Kit out dancing again, and teach her how to be a lesbian. Kit is not having it. But she offers us this small morsel of Sapphic delight in the form of a Kittism:
Kit: “When you gonna stop that–all that you know, Papi thing that you do–you know the other night I saw a different side of Papi, a side that was deeper and warmer. Not that Papi-player thing you do to death. If there was a Papi that I’d be attracted to, that would be the Papi that would rock my world.”
Yup, from one ethnically-pigeonholed character to another. You go, girls.
P.S. Kit, we totes agree.
This One’s For You, Lena.
This is nice. I wouldn’t mind waking up here, or in good binocular-range from here, every morning. I mean. Can we just pause here? Close your eyes, and dream a little dream? Alice is super-cute, per usual, re: Tasha’s sexy dreams the night before, in which she moaned the name Lisa. It turns out that Lisa is just another soldier from the army, not Tasha’s ex. Phew. We cannot have another character, we’re already re-using names, and it’s only Season 4.
This is Cockblock #3: Alice and Tasha, by Helena
Yeah You’re Fucked Alright, Yeah, Don’t Think Twice, You Can Kiss Your Sorry Ass Goodbye: Helena comes in wearing a sombrero she got in Spain. You know, because all Spanish speaking countries are the same and sell the same souvenirs. Then she’s like, “Hey girls, let’s have some burritos.” Oh wait, first she says “Hola, Chicas!” Then she talks about her winnings and such, which is when the girls learn that Helena is totally whipped by Catherine and is obviously about to be flogged and then FUCKED.
Live at the Lesbian Headquarters in the Hotel Tropicana-Themed Play-Land of West Hollywood, for a Sitdown with Shane.
Paige is asking Shane the rough questions. The questions other beautiful women have failed to ask. She’s getting down to the marrow.
Lesbian Bed Life: Papi gives Helena the low-down. She is sprung. God. Will lesbians ever stop sitting in bed and talking about their feelings all the time? Eh. No. Probably not. I’ve had a lot of liquid dreams that began like this. Tasha asks Papi who she is sprung over, and Papi says, “You know how it is, I’m always into somebody.” Tasha explains that every once in a blue moon, Papi falls for somebody and gets her cute look. For Papi, “cute look” = “all sweet and confused.” That’s funny. Mine is more like “all obsessive and insane.”
Best Reason to Date Someone EVER, by Papi of “Everything I Need to Know About Being a Pimp I Learned From Papi”: “There could possibly be somebody, but it’s not even like that man, she actually gets me, she makes me want to like, change my ways and shit.”
Then, y’all are gonna freak out, because I know you love it when Alice tells jokes with the word “fuck” in them!!! The bell rings again. Alice says … yup … “What the frickin’ frack?” Then it’s Leonard. Yeah. Leonard. Leonard had a liquid lunch. Or breakfast. Judging by the level of leisure in this household, I’m guessing none of these lez girls woke up before noon. We’ll go with lunch. Right. Leonard:
Back at The Walshes … Gabe is walking around judging the hell out of everything. Like how Shane has Roommates who read Books. I think that book is “Generation X” by Douglas Coupland, right? Also, can I mention that if we are talking about negative influences on young people: Gabe is wearing almost-acid-washed tapered jeans from Odd Lots and a haircut that Shane from Wax would never let any post-1991 human being wear into the world. Gabe is not here to argue with Shane. He is here to take his son back. No, not Shane. The other one, who he named Shay, because apparently he was on crack when his son was born and thought Shay was an actual name.
Then Gabe looks out into the misty California sunshine and sees a lovely blonde Amazonian beauty, toweling off her young son while basking in the rays of sunlight beaming upon her.
Gabe: “You are a McCutcheon for sure. We’re survivors you and me, when we fall off the wagon, we fall really hard but we bounce back, and we always find a pretty girl to help put our shit together.”
Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy…Pimpin Ain’t Easy
Gabe: “What are you gonna do, take me to court?”
Shane: [totally couldn’t] “Yeah, yeah, I could.”
Gabe: “Oh sweetie, look, I’m his father, any court will look favorably on that, they’ll also find that I looked high and low for my son and for his mother, that homeless junkie livin’ off the grid, and in the end, if they decide I’m not fit, what do you think’s gonna happen to Shay? They might give him to you, but I doubt it. And if I’m not mistaken, you have a record.”
That was when Shane was a kid, Gabe. She don’t give BJs or do coke anymore, at least not for money and in public or on the street (after you abandoned her, natch.) Plus, prison is fun for lesbians. Haven’t you seen “Bad Girls”?
The Man Who Came to the Legendary Home of Leisha Hailey’s Sexual ExploitsAlice turns around and grabs her sheet and is like “HELP ME” as she then hits her head on the wall and tumbles into the closet. That’s right. She’s going heterosexual for Leonard. No, she’s just putting on clothing. She’s super-cute and funny here.
Haviland: “This is like when you’re at the school dance and there’s some guy dancing on one of your girlfriends like he’s trying to get her up the ass and she turns around and is like, HELP ME, and then you are like “ok! girl-dance time!” and whirl them away, isn’t it?”
Leonard: “I’m Leonard Krohl. I’m Phyllis Krohl’s husband. Hi, Helena. You know Phyllis? I imagine you all have had the privilege of getting to know Phyllis. Perhaps not as um–intimately as Alice did–so what did you do to my wife, Alice?”
Alice: [cute] “What did I do–what did I do to your–”
Tasha: [tired of the drama] “You know what–I’m gonna go, alright?–because you told me you took care of this shit.”
Leonard: [genuinely curious] “How did you turn her into a lesbian?”
Helena: [sprung] “No, no no, nobody turns anybody else into a lesbian.”
Leonard: [haggard] “She told me that you were the love of her life, that what she experienced with you was unprecedented. She said that the sex was life-altering!”
Leonard: “This is where it all happened, isn’t it? Right here in this goddamn bed.”
What all happened in that bed: Gaby and Alice, Lisa and Alice, Dana and Alice, Lara and Alice, Phyllis and Alice, Tasha and Alice. So Leonard, really, I mean. It’s not like Phyllis is in a special orbit or something.
Cockblock #4: Leonard, by Alice, re: Phyllis
Can’t You Get Some Like Guest Designer from Target or Something to Come In and Do an Exhibit? And Re-Vamp the Wardrobe of All These People?
This is a board meeting where people are fighting about definitions of certain labels and terms and how they can offend people and how to distribute money that could save someone’s career and lifestyle, or not. Meanwhile, Bette is worried that Jodi doesn’t like Bette as much as Bette loves Jodi. That photo is of a woman who wears Tom’s of Maine deodorant and has Opinions. Bla bla.
Bette is Jesus. Jesusette.
“You cannot divorce the work from its meaning,” Carol says. Bette is so over this meeting. She’s all like, kids. Kids.
“the bla bla bla bla i don’t have boobs”
Lesbian Squabble #24: Why is it that Bette is the one who squabbles the most, and simultaneously is the one who we always assume is being the most rational and composed?
In the Ring: Bette and Jodi
Content/Result: Phyllis wants to break for lunch. Jodi wants to break Bette’s heart for lunch. She says “We need to talk, do you want to get something to eat?” But Bette’s not hungry because Jodi is making her ill. Bette, because she is 12, asks where Jodi went with Anne or Amy or whatever. Seriously like, is this productive, Bette? What are you going to do? Go to the Thai place in Venice, and like, spit in the food? She hopes they had a good time. Nice.
not the last picture show, but close.
This is Exactly the Kind of Situation Text Messages Were Created For
Bette is all like “Silly Alice and her ‘portals'” when she gets this whammy from Alice, just as Phyllis has approached the warring duo.
Lesbian Squabble #25: Have You Considered Taking Your Child to Mexico?
In the Ring: Paige vs. Shane
Content/Result: Paige says that Gabe is “all bravado” and that Shane doesn’t know “how a judge would rule.” Shane is all like “Stop! Please!” It’s hard to say who won this fight. I’d imagine that when Paige said “I’d be happy not to fuck another man for the rest of my life,” in her first L Word appearance, she was probably hoping to avoid situations like this one–where her partner acts like an asshole (because of other things unrelated to her happening in her partner’s life) when she is trying to be supportive. Paige is wrong. I mean, there’s no way they would give Shay to Shane. They should give Shay to Keith and David in Six Feet Under, because then he can hang out with Rico’s kids. Rico’s kids, much like Shay, don’t speak lines. We are mostly just supposed to infer the depth of their connections to other humans based on what these humans say about these children. That being said, Shane is totally wrecked here.
Paige says she can call her if she wants to talk. I hope that by “talk” she means “fuck me til you forget who you are.”
You Got Me Talkin’ Pillow Talk: Leonard suggests that “Maybe it’s some sort of mid life crisis or something, I mean, being a lesbian is pretty trendy these days.” Tasha says he shouldn’t say that in a room full of lesbians. Especially the beautiful, glammed-out, sexy, televised and wealthy lesbians who star on “The L Word” and are partially responsible for the aforementined trend. I mean, if you’re going to be a trend-follower, you might as well start with Lez Girls.
Leonard: “That’s bullshit, I mean, it’s about sex. I mean, I don’t want to be a pig here but what can you ladies do to a woman that I cannot do to a woman? I mean, explain to me the big mystery here.”
[Leonard: pick up some back eps of this show, STAT, because um, someone seems to ask that question in every goddamn epsiode. Personally I feel it was best answered by Shane, who said to Mark, re: “girls can’t fuck.”: “Are you fucking kidding? It’s completely possible! You’re asking because you’re–where do you live, Mark? It’s entirely possible. Is this a joke?” and then Jenny was all like “Do you want us to demonstrate, cause obviously that’s where this is going” and Shane was like “Mark, Don’t be so aggressive? Because it’s embarrassing.”]
Alice: Um–Leonard. It’s not about sex, you know? it’s about so much more than that, there’s things–
Helena: It’s about knowing what a woman is thinking, about what a woman is feeling when you touch her!
[actually, that’s not what being a lesbian is about, and you are sorta proving Leonard’s point, and you are sounding super Go-Fishie. But that was nice. I think you def. raised my consciousness.]
Papi: Whoah whoah–I don’t know about all that. Sometimes it’s great when people are completely different!
[Thank you Papi for disagreeing. But not thank you for providing some other trite truism as a “point” in this totally retarded conversation]
Alice: But it’s not about mechanics–this is something Phyllis is going through for the first time in her whole life. It’s very big.
[As opposed to what? The first time in her half-life? The second time in her whole life? How could you go through this more than once? The very nature of the act itself requires that it be a singular experience. I think they stole a script from the video made by the Gay Agenda to show in liberal elementary schools about how gay people are people too.]
Leonard: “What did you do to her Alice, it’s like you cast some sort of spell on her. She cried more over you than she has cried her whole life.”
Helena: “Leonard, it’s not about Alice.”
Papi: “Right, it’s not about her, man.”
Tasha: “Yeah, but, she shouldn’t have gotten involved with a married woman.”
[True. But again–Judge–relevance?]
Tasha: “Leonard, you gotta hold on to yourself, okay? Remember what’s important. Your value in life is not Phyllis. You’re Leonard, and you still have a lot of great stuff ahead of you. You and Phyllis had an amazing run, you even have two beautiful children. But life is all about change and you’ve gotta confront it head on!–“
Haviland: Head on!
Riese: Apply directly to the forehead!
Haviland: Head on! I hate your commercials!
Riese: Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!
Haviland: How awesome would it be if the Head-On Girl popped up right now?
Riese: Head on! Apply directly to the lesbian!
Tasha ctd: “Do the hardest thing anyone could ever do, Leonard. You’ve gotta let her go.”
Tasha is pretty much an expert on “How to give pep talks to people heading into a situation involving wallowing morale and perhaps complete catastrophe.” She’s a real Army of One. She’s really into that whole like “look kids, you gotta do this, so you may as well be glass half full about it” thing. And she is mighty fine.
Alice is Not the Only Fruit Phyllis is at the door. Alice would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Phyllis. Because Phyllis is about to meet Tasha, and Tasha is hot hot hot, and she is gonna feel really silly. Understandably so. Phyllis looks nice in this episode, eh??
Phyllis: “I’m sorry, too, I absolutely suffocated you. I was like a teenager in love, overwhelmed by my emotions. It was too much. I should have never put all that on you.”
Alice: “Well, I’d like to be friends.”
Phyllis: “Me too.”
I love Alice’s little noises that she makes when she is stuck in some sort of super-endearing embrace that makes her uncomfortable, which seems to happen a lot to this one. She’s such a cutie. Damn, her hair looks good in the morning. Does she still have a radio show? Oh right, the website. Busy with the website. Alice’s website.
I think Jodi’s art is inspired by “Brazil,” “Back to the Future II,” and Jungle Gyms: I think Jodi got that t-shirt at The Natural History Museum, where she was probably shopping for gemstones to add to the castle on the cloud that she is building in her studio. Seriously, I am all about different kinds of art, but not this kind. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but it looks a little bit like a bunch of random metal crap. Just sayin’.
This is like, the most unflattering shot of a girl, ever, of Jodi:
Lesbian Squabble #26: When I Say You Sucked my Brain Out, The English Translation Is I Am In Love With You, and It is No Fun…
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content/Result: Bette says Jodi was rubbing her date with that girl in her face. Jodi was all like, no, I was rubbing that girl in my face. But it didn’t work. Because all she could think about was Bette. Yeah yeah, we’ve all heard/said that one before.
I don’t know if this is a lame excuse, or if it’s something we say to each other all the time because it’s actually really true.
Hey kiddos. Listen up. You haven’t been together for very long, and you’ve already had like, 10 fights. I don’t think this is healthy for either of you. Break up.
Is this scene over yet? Seriously. C’mon.
Bla bla bla. I like the image of Jodi’s head spinning because Bette makes her head spin. Bette tells her she is a “fucking heartbreaker.” Bla bla BLA! Bla bla bla.
Monkeys at a Picnic
All the people from the cubicle factory are sitting at their laptops, watching Cherry-Poppin’ Gang Bang. They are waiting for Max to show up. That silly Max. Always binding his breasts.
One of the drones texts another: “Why don’t we just start without him … her … it?” Oh, that’s a good one! You should be on “The Office.” Max finally comes in. He’s late for the meeting because he is a man trapped in a woman’s body. Maybe he’s trapped in my body, because I am always late for everything.
The boss hates nothing more than when you make excuses for yourself. He doesn’t even let his own daughter get away with that.
Okay, it kinda feels like every line in this episode–if you really take it out and look at it–doesn’t mean much of anything. E.G., of course he would be strict with his daughter. That’s called like, parenting? Or before when Shane told her Dad: “You come in here and you build yourself up because you’re a pathetic fuck.” OK. Huh? Right. You tell ’em! (So? Make a point. Don’t waste words. Haven’t you read strunk & white? What is this, page 4 of my 15-page wordy-as-hell recap? Listen to me! Eliminate Useless Words!!)
Lesbian Squabble #27: And on That Farm There was a Lesbian, E-I-E-I-O
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Tina
Content/Result: Jenny and Tina are arguing about why “Nina” went back to men. This made me think about writing workshops, when you try to critique someone’s story, and they’re like “But it really happened!” and you’re like “So? This is a fiction writing class. Who cares what happened?” and then they start crying and cutting themselves again, just like in the “story.” And then they run to the bathroom to throw up their carrot sticks.
Director: “And then she finds the ultimate empowerment where she realizes that she doesn’t need men, she doesn’t need them, she doesn’t want them, and she doesn’t desire them!”
Jenny: “Yeah! Hallelujah!”
Director: “This is such an uplifting story–“
Me: That should be the costume of the day for next week.
Haviland: Yeah, farm animals!
Me: I’m gonna be a chicken.
Haviland: I’m gonna be a pig, all in pink.
The director, fighting off autograph requests from extras in cheap bikinis at the “networking pool” soundstage they use for scenes like this in Los Angeles, suggests that “It could use a twist, just a little more intrigue, like maybe she’s a princess in another time and she reveals that she’s been fighting it, bcause I need an image, like a tiara.” Jenny has a better idea:
“Can I just add to it? Because I just had a little brainstorm-y thing. Um I think that–ok–what if Jessie is a sex worker, okay? And uh–Karina is like–a wealthy business woman, and Karina hires Jessie for the night, sweeps her off her feet, they fall madly in love, takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive, and gives her the jewelery box and her hand almost gets caught and she goes oh-haha ha like that, and then she sits in the bubble bath–“
I love Jenny. I love Jenny more than anyone else in the whole wide world.
Also, she totally cockblocks this dude. He asks one of them if they like romantic comedies, and she says yeah, and he says, see? case closed?
When Life Feeds You Lesbians, Get Lesbian Aid.
Phyllis: “We can’t take any more of their time, Leonard.”
Leonard: “Why? What are they doing that is more important than helping me understand why my life is suddenly falling apart?”
Helena: “He’s got a point.”
Silly Phyllis, this show isn’t about employment! What do you think this is, “The West Wing”? I just commented that these girls never go to work, and Hav pointed out that it’s probably a weekend, and then Kim pointed out that no one in my apartment goes to work either, and so I sort of had to agree with that.
We do work though, a little. Just at weird times. And not for like, 40 hours a week. We work at home and play artist. Lauren has a day job. That’s why we never see her. And now, as I write this, it is 4pm on a Monday, and neither Maggie or I have left the house for any sort of “job.” And, perhaps, I do spend a good deal of time in coffee shops and bars, talking about “projects.” Which is why you all should give me money please. See donation button. Yeah, we live the Alice-lifestyle, I guess. Except for the 15 hours I spend on this baby.
This is a good set-up for a Barbie commercial or something. Or they could be playing “Girl Talk.” Did you ever play “Girl Talk”? Hey, Leonard was in Crazy/Beautiful. Did you see Kirsten Dunst in that movie? Fantastic. No really. I mean, she looked hot. All wrecked and shit. So did Jay Hernandez. It actually inspired me to go out and hook up with a Puerto Rican guy.
Leonard: “Look at her. Is she not the most beautiful woman you have ever seen? And the most brilliant? So how the hell am I supposed to get over her?”
Phyllis: “I’m not really that great. Tell him, Alice.”
Alice: “Oh, Phyllis. You’re GREAT. You’re amazing, you’re beautiful. She’s beautiful, Leonard.”
Phyllis: “But I’m a lesbian!”
Alice: “Yeah, yeah. You’re one of those too.”
She’s in the secret club, that Phyllis. You can tell she’s a real lesbian because she told Leonard if she was ever going to be with a man again, she would be with him. If she was bi or straight, she probably would have chosen someone hotter, like Jonathan Rhys Myers, who is starring in this new show called “The Tudors.”
When they leave Alice asks: “Who needs a drink, huh?” Ha!
I wish I wasn’t prone to anxiety attacks if I try to relax for more than 20 minutes and could spend a day chilling on the bed with all my hot friends. I don’t think I’ve done that since like, boarding school. Although hopefully when I become a famous artist, I can pull one of those Jon-Yoko bed-in things and not get anxiety about that.
Didn’t I Give You Everything that a Woman Possibly Can? Honey, You Know That I Did!: Why is that ipod in such a huge box? Is it a trick box? Why doesn’t Shay ever talk? It’s almost like he’s the kid in the school play whose parents complained that he didn’t get a big part, so they gave him a big part and just took all his lines away because he’s no good at memorization. Or enunciation. Or like, “facial expressions.” Shane put all the songs they listen to together on the ipod. That’s a good gift. He can listen to that while his Dad is boning some meth addict he picked up at Wal-Mart.
I Want You to Come on, Come on, Come on and Take It! Take Every Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby!: Gabe shows him how to put the headphones in the headphone jack. Later, he’ll reference this action as “The Talk.” You know, when he taught Shay how to deal with the ladies. He doesn’t understand at first how to turn it on. That’s okay, Gabe, I didn’t get it either at first. Gabe says he loves Janis Joplin. Guess what, dude, even though she’s dead: JANIS JOPLIN DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
Shane tells Shay to be good to himself and that she’s here if he needs her. He gives her that Goofus and Gallant face, per always. They drive off. Shane does the full-body cry, when she compacts all 100 pounds of her into a small ball of sorrow. It gets me every time. Oh right. Except this time.
Kim: That looks like Borat’s village.
Don’t take Shay away!!!
This episode is kinda depressing.
Her boots are hot. I think I saw Debbie Gibson wearing that shirt on the cover of YM magazine in 1992, though. Maybe she should take off all her clothes so I can focus on the boots. Max needs a nice woman around. Yay.
Maggie, Max’s sister, doesn’t want him to go to the funeral. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE CAN’T SHAVE HIS FUCKING SOULPATCH (HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS?!!!), PUT ON SOME NORMAL GENDER-NEUTRAL DUDS LIKE THE ONES THE REST OF US HAVE BEEN WEARING SINCE THE BIRTH OF JO MARCH AND GO TO THE GODDAMN FUNERAL. People will be like “her … she … it?” but that’s like–their problem. Max needs to shave that thing and just like, go.
Okay, what’s the funeral for? Well, Max’s Mom died. I can’t really talk about this scene. If you have a problem with that, I’m going to cut your fucking tits off.
Back at the Lock-In… Alice is pouring wine into toothpaste holders and mugs. I love when it gets down to that. When you’re like “Did we break all the wine glasses? What about that plastic one from the Dollar store? Oh, it’s dirty. Um, what’s that? A half-filled cup from Subway? Yeah uh, rinse it out.”
They try to find out about Papi’s lady-that-she’s sprung over (it’s Kit, y’all!), and Catherine calls and Papi says Helena is sprung, and also they make fun of her. It’s cute. I point out that when the four of them are on the bed, Papi has slept with all three of the girls on the bed (Alice, Tasha, Helena). Then I told Kim “that’s what it’s like to hang out with [redacted].”
Never, Never, Never Hear Me When I Cry At Night, Oh, I Cry All The Time! While Shane and Alice talk, Haviland and I discuss how Shane and I look very similarly when we are having mental breakdowns. As in, the hoodie, the walk, the smashing of the face and the eyeliner with the palm of the hand, etc. I do that. Yes, exactly that. I believe there is photographic evidence of this…yes. On your left, that’s December 06. A glorious day. I did a blog about seasonal affective disorder. I meant it as a joke, since it’s summer that I actually hate, but I really was sad. Like Shane. Shane, who is sad because they took Shay away.
Normally Shane would go get some drugs or fuck some girl. But this is Season Four. In Season Four, we do art therapy. First, she calls Alice.
When you get a call from your super-tough friend and she’s crying on the street, that’s when you like, take off the bathrobe, put on your Go-Go-Gadget sweatpants, and go save her.
Angus, Get Some Eyeliner and a Guitar and Do This Shit Up Right, Please: Kit is embracing a bottle of beer and Angus lurks into the background, looking all lollipop-headish, and tells Kit she shouldn’t be drinking. Oh Angus. Shove it. Then he says he would like to give her a ride home but she don’t want none of it. So he asks if he can talk to her. This part is awesome. I love Kit. She’s like, my favorite character this season, behind Jenny.
Angus: Can I please just talk to you?
Kit: Hey everybody! Stop what you’re doin’, shut the fuck up and listen, okay? The man wants to talk.
Angus: Uh I’m sorry. I uh–I’m an idiot and I made a huge mistake.
Kit: You think?
Angus: And, I know you hate me right now, and I don’t blame yah, but I love you. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my entire life and I’m gonna stick around as long as I can in the hopes that you’ll eventually forgive me. And that’s–that’s pretty much it. I’m stickin.
Kit: [heavy sigh. Stands up with beer bottle, raises arms in the air]
Thank you everybody! [begins to exit, departing calls:] Thank you! And have a good night! You’ve been great!
I am totally gonna do that the next time someone cheats on me and then tries to make up for it with their easy words. And um, I know I should be upset about the alcohol thing, or like, her going back to the bottle … but dude. Kit totally RULES right now. Drink up, kitten. Sorry.
Me: I’ve never seen “The Price is Right.”
Haviland and Kim: What?!!
Haviland: You’ve never seen the “Price is Right”?
Kim: What did you do after school in elementary school?
Haviland: She wasn’t allowed to watch TV.
Me: I wasn’t allowed to watch TV.
[I played pretend, p.s. After school. I played pretend, wrote novels, and dressed up like famous baseball players from the 1950s and ran around in the backyard like a monkey. And ate about every 10 minutes. And watched 3-2-1 Contact. Now look at what has become of me.]
Can’t Bette Just Fall For Like, Annie Liebowitz or Something? I mean, What is this? Anyone? WHAT IS THIS BEHEMOTH?
So the Manny is groveling. Tina is shopping Jenny. And Bette is um, welding? Where is the baby? Is anyone taking care of it anymore?
Where is the love? Can I get a what what? Seriously, I think I napped through this scene. To the soothing sounds of chainsaws and sign language. Bette wants Jodi to come to a dinner party and meet some of her friends. Good call, Bette. Those have always worked out REALLY well with y’all. Jodi’s gonna be like “Hey, you wanna know why lobsters fuck other women?”
Bette: you’re so beautiful bla bla bla bla
Jodi:[signed] Bla blab bla bla
Isn’t this like, slander or whatever? They keep name-dropping real people into fake storylines. E.g., Tina discovered Sofia Coppola, and now this guy was the “first” to “marry independent film with commercial success.” Oh, gross. No he isn’t. This dude is responsible for the careers of Gus Van Sant and Quentin Tarantino, says Tina. Really? Jesus. He looks like a reptile.
Lawrence: I love your story Jenny.
Jenny: What part do you like?
Tina: [interrupting] We can’t wait to hear your ideas.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Jenny: Oh yes. What do you like about lesbians?
Lawrence: Lesbians. What’s not to love about lesbians? You know, I was into lesbians way before this new chic lesbian fad.
The trio move into the theater, where Lawrence is about to knock their socks off with something so weird and amazing that it goes all the way past bad and into good and bounces back to amazing.
Lawrence: When I read your story I thought like, this could just be like, a regular lesbian movie? But it’s been done a million times before.
Jenny: Well, I don’t think it’s been done a million times before…
Thank you, Jenny, for calling out this SUPREME inaccuracy. Finally. For those of you who don’t know, he could not be more wrong. Here’s why: 1. Desert Hearts, 2. Go Fish, 3. All Over Me, 4. Bar Girls, 5. D.E.B.S, 6. Saving Face, 7. Bound, 8. Boys Don’t Cry, 9. But I’m a Cheerleader, 10, Imagine Me and You, 11. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, 12. Gia, 13. If These Walls Could Talk 2, 14. High Art, 15. Kissing Jessica Stein, 16. Lost and Delirious, 17. Personal Best. I’m sure there’s some I’m missing. So let’s say 20 totally lesbian-ified-lesbian-specifically films out of what, like 10 gazillion films about other people? And like, maybe 10 about bisexual psychopaths who like threesomes, murder, vivid violent daydreams and tight camisoles?
Lawrence: What could we do to push the boundaries? What could be like yes–lesbian, but lesbian plus. I gotta admit, it’s always been my life’s dream to make a musical. And I really think that’s what Lez Girls is, is a musical.
Jenny: [ecstatic] I love it. I love it!!!! I lov
e it. I love it. What did I say at the first meeting?
Tina: She wants a musical.
Jenny: I love it!
First of all, I can’t often say this about Jenny, but if I were in her (probably super-expensive and uber-trendy) shoes, I would do the exact same thing. I mean, none of these dudes get what she’s trying to do. So she might as well do something totally insane and out there, like a musical. Wow. If anyone could turn anything of mine into a musical, ever, I mean, please do.
Einstein on the Beach: The Lesbian Version
The Ditty Bops look totally freaky, like they were brought in from the set of some sci-fi brainwashing movie. The other girls are dressed in latex hot-pants from a mid-90s Paula Abdul music video. There are a lot of thighs flexed and toes pointed. In the seats, Jenny eyes Marina, rolls her eyes, hides behind her eyes. She is feeling something like disbelief also that she is inching towards her favorite thing of all which is to get involved in something that is so so so so so terrible that it is, as Haviland and I often say: “Terrible/AWESOME.”
I hope Season 5 is directed by Christopher Guest and is The Making of “Lez Girls,” The Musical. Ooo….I hope they get Amy Ray involved on some of these tracks. This could really be something. I see young lithe dancer girls wearing next-to-no-clothing prancing around singing fun silly lyrics.
The only thing that could make this better is if there was somehow ice skates involved. And, perhaps, a small carnival. And Peaches. The fruit or the musical artist.
I think she was talking about DANA! … The girls are sitting on the billboard in their hoodies, bein’ buddies. They are talking about their emotions. Then they decide to take a walk on the wild side. Why not? They’ve got nothing left to lose. Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl…
I think this scene is better if you imagine that it’s Kate and Leisha hanging out, not Shane and Alice. Honestly, I’m surprised they resisted the urge to product plug. Eh–what the hell. I’ll do it for ya.
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ZERO this episode, 16
Lesbian Squabbles: this episode, TWENTY-SIX total
Quote of the Week: Jenny. I totally pulled it out of my ass. I couldn’t pick! Everything Jenny said was so amazing!