46 Innovative Ways You Giant Weirdos Described Yourselves When Signing Up for A-Camp XI

Ahh, it’s that time of year again: when I make ten million index cards, spread them out all over my floor, dump fairy dust all over it and then (and then!) use magical powers to sort them into neat stacks representing where y’all will be laying your heads in … a very soon amount of time. This process occurred last weekend, when my dear friend / A-Camp human Courtney flew all the way to Los Angeles on an airplane and we had a nice time talking about how cool you all are and where you should sleep and shower. Also though there’s a showerhouse so you don’t have to shower in your cabin. You do you!

So here, pulled mercilessly out of context, I present excerpts from the personality descriptions of over 350 (!!!) campers, all of whom I cannot wait to meet or see again on June 5th!

1. Dirtbag mommi looking for trouble

2. I’ve been wearing socks with sandals for 29 years

3. I’m terrified of candles

4. Sometimes I don’t realize how loud I’m talking and then I get embarrassed

5. I’m a queer trans weirdo with lots of snakes that broke her arm last year

6. Almost 30 and wow did I really use to queer oil wrestle half naked? When did I start wearing dress shirts?

7. I’m still sad about Callie and Arizona

8. Xena could get it.

9. One time a girl kissed me and I blurted out “don’t die” and then cried.

10. I love to read and cook and explore Greece in 480 BCE.

11. I dream of someday starting a friend-commune in a castle in Scotland while writing the lesbian historical romance novels that the world needs now.

12. Talk dirty to me while quoting Antonin Artaud and discussing contemporary meme theory.

13. I would describe myself like Diane Nyugen from Bojack Horseman mixed with a very enthusiastic drag race lover.

14. I admire Mary Poppins because I also desire to be beloved for my weirdness, rudeness, timeless style, and unlimited power.

15. Lana Condor in Deadly Class on the outside, Lana Condor in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before on the inside.

16. Librarian in the streets, person who actually wants a good night’s sleep in the sheets

17. My best friends describe my personality as ‘Hayley Kiyoko meets Eeyore’.

18. Cabinmates have described me as an Agreeable Biscuit-Type, a Femme Flower Child Uncle Situation, and a Goddamn Sea Prince, among literally 82 other things, I have a list.

19. If I was a drink, I’d be bagel store coffee: better in the morning, culturally Jewish, a lil dull, a lil sweet, always reliable.

20. Lamb Chop Sun/ Pepper Ann Moon/ Daria Rising.

21. Abby sun / Therese moon / Carol rising

22. Hufflepuff with a Ravenclaw rising.

23. Ideally I’d have Rhea Butcher’s hair and Shawn Mendes’ biceps

24. Wednesday Addams/Miss Honey personality (closet goth kindergarten teacher)

25. Camp counselor vibes are like 78% of my personality.

26. I’m the greatest bottom who ever lived.

27. I love my Xbox almost as much as my flogger

28. Terrible dancer- will dance anyway.
Terrible singer- 100% will sing anyway.

29. Please point me towards the pool, where I will have a standing daily appointment to nap.

30. I cant wait to drink an obnoxious amount of orange juice with my fellow Sea Serpents.

31. I try to dress like a queer fat babe Dean Winchester.

32. Wondering if Hey Dude! x The Craft/MTV Sprang Break ‘98 is an appropriate fashion reference point for my A-Camp attire… the fact that I’ve been thinking about it…

33. I’m your dad-friend. It’s basically the same as your mom-friend, but I don’t carry a purse, my jokes are terrible, and I really just recycle the same three outfits

34. I bought my 1st pair of fuzzy boots this week & they changed my life

35. I think I got sorted in to Slytherin because I’m attracted to villains

36. I liked NASA before they were cool again!

37. Letting loose: I am a likable lionhearted levelheaded lesbian legislative librarian litigant laughing at a lamentably literally alliterative life.

38. Hark! A tall and shaven-headed presence resembling an angry baby, drinking iced coffee that will necessitate a lie-down.

39. I can be described by the inspirational phrase, “It’s trash CAN, not trash CAN’T.”

40. I’ll bring my bat detector to camp!

41. I once was told I was “not nerdy enough” for a girl and was deeply offended by this.

42. A thing that always disappoints me: when someone else is subbing in for Rachel Maddow.

43. Short af with a personality larger than the menu at the Cheesecake Factory.

44. Some year I’ll write something clever enough here to make onto one your A-Camp Autostraddle lists

45. If I ever actually write anything useful here, I’ve been replaced by a cyborg and shouldn’t be allowed on site

46. Born and raised in the Bahamas so I’ve got that laid back island vibe going on most of the time. Except when I’m flailing excitedly over fictional lesbians or letting “Taylor Swift is announcing her coming out” consume my life. Hope this helps!

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2697 articles for us.

37 Comments

    • I wonder if I threw a Librarian Camp, would you all come along, especially the awesomely alliterative #37?

      I am a FAN. The camp would ideally be a multitude of salons, full of lovely couches and other seating selections, choice beverages and foods, and devotees like me handing out cocktails, offering massages, assembling/baking more snacks, carrying out minor car repairs, and assembling IKEA furniture on demand. For the more technologically-orientated, you can tell tales of your information management tools and strategies while I create the perfect IT infrastructure to run all the cool things.

      (Admittedly this list of offerings is somewhat biased towards my own ability to deliver, but I’m sure I’d be able to recruit plenty of other devotees with myriad skillsets and diverse interests in terms of what they would like to hear you discussing, and who would utterly refrain from asking about “that book written by the guy on the TV last month… I think the cover was blue.”)

  1. My camp-crush-turned-sweetheart, reading these out loud to me: oh hey, wait, I think this one might be you

    Me: nope, can’t be, I think I just copied what I put last year, it’s already been on a previous list

    Them: *reads it*

    Me: nope… wait… *checks e-mail for registration receipts*

    (would genuinely have been waiting to meet my new camp librarian friend otherwise)

  2. Where do I sign up for the castle commune?

    I am very handy and bake tasty cakes. 14/10 would make an excellent butch grounds person who just strolls around fixing things and wearing copious flannel and boots.

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