Ahh, it’s that time of year again: when I make ten million index cards, spread them out all over my floor, dump fairy dust all over it and then (and then!) use magical powers to sort them into neat stacks representing where y’all will be laying your heads in … a very soon amount of time. This process occurred last weekend, when my dear friend / A-Camp human Courtney flew all the way to Los Angeles on an airplane and we had a nice time talking about how cool you all are and where you should sleep and shower. Also though there’s a showerhouse so you don’t have to shower in your cabin. You do you!
So here, pulled mercilessly out of context, I present excerpts from the personality descriptions of over 350 (!!!) campers, all of whom I cannot wait to meet or see again on June 5th!
1. Dirtbag mommi looking for trouble
2. I’ve been wearing socks with sandals for 29 years
3. I’m terrified of candles
4. Sometimes I don’t realize how loud I’m talking and then I get embarrassed
5. I’m a queer trans weirdo with lots of snakes that broke her arm last year
6. Almost 30 and wow did I really use to queer oil wrestle half naked? When did I start wearing dress shirts?
7. I’m still sad about Callie and Arizona
8. Xena could get it.
9. One time a girl kissed me and I blurted out “don’t die” and then cried.
10. I love to read and cook and explore Greece in 480 BCE.
11. I dream of someday starting a friend-commune in a castle in Scotland while writing the lesbian historical romance novels that the world needs now.
12. Talk dirty to me while quoting Antonin Artaud and discussing contemporary meme theory.
13. I would describe myself like Diane Nyugen from Bojack Horseman mixed with a very enthusiastic drag race lover.
14. I admire Mary Poppins because I also desire to be beloved for my weirdness, rudeness, timeless style, and unlimited power.
15. Lana Condor in Deadly Class on the outside, Lana Condor in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before on the inside.
16. Librarian in the streets, person who actually wants a good night’s sleep in the sheets
17. My best friends describe my personality as ‘Hayley Kiyoko meets Eeyore’.
18. Cabinmates have described me as an Agreeable Biscuit-Type, a Femme Flower Child Uncle Situation, and a Goddamn Sea Prince, among literally 82 other things, I have a list.
19. If I was a drink, I’d be bagel store coffee: better in the morning, culturally Jewish, a lil dull, a lil sweet, always reliable.
20. Lamb Chop Sun/ Pepper Ann Moon/ Daria Rising.
21. Abby sun / Therese moon / Carol rising
22. Hufflepuff with a Ravenclaw rising.
23. Ideally I’d have Rhea Butcher’s hair and Shawn Mendes’ biceps
24. Wednesday Addams/Miss Honey personality (closet goth kindergarten teacher)
25. Camp counselor vibes are like 78% of my personality.
26. I’m the greatest bottom who ever lived.
27. I love my Xbox almost as much as my flogger
28. Terrible dancer- will dance anyway.
Terrible singer- 100% will sing anyway.
29. Please point me towards the pool, where I will have a standing daily appointment to nap.
30. I cant wait to drink an obnoxious amount of orange juice with my fellow Sea Serpents.
31. I try to dress like a queer fat babe Dean Winchester.
32. Wondering if Hey Dude! x The Craft/MTV Sprang Break ‘98 is an appropriate fashion reference point for my A-Camp attire… the fact that I’ve been thinking about it…
33. I’m your dad-friend. It’s basically the same as your mom-friend, but I don’t carry a purse, my jokes are terrible, and I really just recycle the same three outfits
34. I bought my 1st pair of fuzzy boots this week & they changed my life
35. I think I got sorted in to Slytherin because I’m attracted to villains
36. I liked NASA before they were cool again!
37. Letting loose: I am a likable lionhearted levelheaded lesbian legislative librarian litigant laughing at a lamentably literally alliterative life.
38. Hark! A tall and shaven-headed presence resembling an angry baby, drinking iced coffee that will necessitate a lie-down.
39. I can be described by the inspirational phrase, “It’s trash CAN, not trash CAN’T.”
40. I’ll bring my bat detector to camp!
41. I once was told I was “not nerdy enough” for a girl and was deeply offended by this.
42. A thing that always disappoints me: when someone else is subbing in for Rachel Maddow.
43. Short af with a personality larger than the menu at the Cheesecake Factory.
44. Some year I’ll write something clever enough here to make onto one your A-Camp Autostraddle lists
45. If I ever actually write anything useful here, I’ve been replaced by a cyborg and shouldn’t be allowed on site
46. Born and raised in the Bahamas so I’ve got that laid back island vibe going on most of the time. Except when I’m flailing excitedly over fictional lesbians or letting “Taylor Swift is announcing her coming out” consume my life. Hope this helps!
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