Last night I slept better than I had in weeks, full of pizza and beer, a well deserved reward for having survived a violently manipulative and incredibly frustrating election cycle. Mitt Romney went to bed having lost a bid for the most important job in the country, a well-deserved punishment for his occupation as World-Class Asshole.
Here’s what he can do with his time now that he has to find a way to bide it.
1. Pursue a life in which he goes by “Willard” full-time
2. Re-read his original proposal for health care in Massachusetts
3. Learn the names of most, if not all, foreign countries and provinces
4. Write a highly fictionalized memoir about his life
5. Look up “Obamacare” on Wikipedia
6. Find his lost tax forms
7. Marvel genuinely at Ann Coulter’s newest book
8. Stroke Ann Romney’s hair gently
9. Shop around for a toupee
10. Create a time machine in order to participate more actively in the 2002 Olympics
11. Repair his broken relationship with the cast of Sesame Street
12. Experiment with drinking
13. Write an economic stimulus plan and post it publicly on the Internet
14. Go to lunch with John McCain
15. Hang out with more women
16. Move to a new state and run for public office
17. Improve at golf and/or tennis in order to get into the Country Club scene
18. Purchase a spa membership
19. Grow facial hair
20. Collect spoons and/or stamps
21. Catch up on missed episodes of the Bill O’Reilly Show
22. Take a refresher math course at his local county college
23. Plan a birthday party for himself that is actually a staged relief event covering up a staged campaign event covering up that it isn’t his birthday at all
24. Write a concession speech
25. Get a job
I’d love if #12 happened and he spiraled out of control.
Steady on. He’s a deeply repulsive human being but alcoholism is a hell of a thing to wish on anyone (and their families).
Mm yes, that was unfair.
I love how you two talked right there- if only the house and senate could talk like this.
“gays are evil disgusting sinners!”
“hey, not okay”
“yeah, i guess not”
when julie and brandy reviewed “casino jack and the united states of money”, an episode that never saw the light of day but is in the “shit you never saw” video, they were talking about women running the world and there’s this really brilliant section that your comment reminded me of, and you should watch it —
this is the video:
this is the time i’m talking about:
4:40 to 5:53
love it :)
I’d be okay if #19 happened and it spiraled out of control
Especially with literal spirals.
This scenario? http://timenewsfeed.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/3.jpg?w=576
#26 Finally accepted his true fabulous self and run off with John McCain
(As an extension of that fateful lunch.)
It should really be brunch, but we all know Mittsy isn’t cool enough to brunch
No way, his true love is Paul Ryan. Haven’t you read the fanfic?
(seriously, it exists. and it is HILARIOUS.)
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
My morbid curiosity wants to google it, but I just had an early dinner!
i know i can’t decide whether or not i am ready for this jelly
Interesting! But I bet it’s not nearly as great as my Stewart-Colbert slash fic. Here are some excerpts:
“We’ve got a great show for you tonight!” said Jon Stewart, smiling at the camera. “Our guest is Haruhi Suzumiya from the eponymous anime. I’ll ask her what ‘eponymous’ means.” The audience laughed in delight.
Meanwhile, in a dark, grim fortress far, far away, Bill O’Reilly glared at his TV, wishing people loved him as much as they loved Stewart.
Stephen Colbert gently put his arms around Jon Stewart.
“Wow, are you this friendly to all the guests on your show, Stephen?” Jon asked.
“Oh, we have not even begun to get friendly, Jon.” Stephen replied, taking off his glasses. He then remembered that he was rather near-sighted and put his glasses back on.
“Are you still angry about the Colbert Super-Pac episode?” asked Jon. Adopting his ‘tough New Yorker’ voice, he said “Cuz you know, these things, they happen, huh?”
“Somewhat.” replied Stephen. “And for that you’re going to do voices for me, Jon. All of your voices.”
Thank you for your ‘…ow’ of approval. <3
Weee are never ever ever getting baaaack together!
#27 Design an airplane with windows that can open.
Everytime they showed Rmoney on the plane on his way to Boston I thought “I bet it has windows he can open”, that joke will never get old.
28. Watch Friday Night Lights.
Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. He’s letting his woman drive the seadoo?? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS??
“Repair his broken relationship with the cast of Sesame Street.”
That’s pretty irreparable there.
what if romney grows weird facial hair and decides to pursue a semi-ironic career as a rapper and a year later there’s a mediocre documentary about it on netflix. what then.
As a natural sucker for both documentaries and schadenfreude, I would watch the fuck out of that.
15 is going to be long and painful, for women I mean.
26 – Join forces with Bic to create highly unsuccessful “Binders for Women” product line. I would love to read the Amazon reviews.
really sad i didn’t think of this. he should obviously film a commercial for trapper binders with his new time.
TrapHer KeepHer? Hey-o!
He can’t stroke Ann’s hair; she left him for a big star with a much larger nest egg.
Fcuking love this list! Hahaha great work :)
Oh man, you guys get to laugh about how awesome it is you didn’t vote in a world class asshole… meanwhile, in a land far far away, we get stuck with this guy as Prime Minister:
On the plus side, it’s Gay Red Shirt Day tomorrow!!! Or in my case, super gay red blazer day, cause it’s the only red I own :D
“Hang out with more women”
What are you talking about? He already has all of his binders to keep him company.
The comments on this thread are killin it!
#101: Die, get his own planet. Psych! Turns out it’s just Pluto.
GROW FACIAL HAIR
what. I don’t know why, but that just made my day.
15. Hang out with more women.
BINDERS FULL OF THEM.
Is that joke too overused now? I don’t think I care……..