25 Things Mitt Romney Can Do Now

Last night I slept better than I had in weeks, full of pizza and beer, a well deserved reward for having survived a violently manipulative and incredibly frustrating election cycle. Mitt Romney went to bed having lost a bid for the most important job in the country, a well-deserved punishment for his occupation as World-Class Asshole.

Here’s what he can do with his time now that he has to find a way to bide it.

1. Pursue a life in which he goes by “Willard” full-time

2. Re-read his original proposal for health care in Massachusetts

3. Learn the names of most, if not all, foreign countries and provinces

4. Write a highly fictionalized memoir about his life

5. Look up “Obamacare” on Wikipedia

6. Find his lost tax forms

7. Marvel genuinely at Ann Coulter’s newest book

8. Stroke Ann Romney’s hair gently

9. Shop around for a toupee

10. Create a time machine in order to participate more actively in the 2002 Olympics

11. Repair his broken relationship with the cast of Sesame Street

12. Experiment with drinking

13. Write an economic stimulus plan and post it publicly on the Internet

14. Go to lunch with John McCain

15. Hang out with more women

16. Move to a new state and run for public office

17. Improve at golf and/or tennis in order to get into the Country Club scene

18. Purchase a spa membership

19. Grow facial hair

20. Collect spoons and/or stamps

21. Catch up on missed episodes of the Bill O’Reilly Show

22. Take a refresher math course at his local county college

23. Plan a birthday party for himself that is actually a staged relief event covering up a staged campaign event covering up that it isn’t his birthday at all

24. Write a concession speech

25. Get a job

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Carmen spent six years at Autostraddle, ultimately serving as Straddleverse Director, Feminism Editor and Social Media Co-Director. She is now the Consulting Digital Editor at Ms. and writes regularly for DAME, the Women’s Media Center, the National Women’s History Museum and other prominent feminist platforms; her work has also been published in print and online by outlets like BuzzFeed, Bitch, Bust, CityLab, ElixHER, Feministing, Feminist Formations, GirlBoss, GrokNation, MEL, Mic and SIGNS, and she is a co-founder of Argot Magazine. You can find Carmen on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr or in the drive-thru line at the nearest In-N-Out.

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    • No way, his true love is Paul Ryan. Haven’t you read the fanfic?

      (seriously, it exists. and it is HILARIOUS.)

      • Interesting! But I bet it’s not nearly as great as my Stewart-Colbert slash fic. Here are some excerpts:

        “We’ve got a great show for you tonight!” said Jon Stewart, smiling at the camera. “Our guest is Haruhi Suzumiya from the eponymous anime. I’ll ask her what ‘eponymous’ means.” The audience laughed in delight.

        Meanwhile, in a dark, grim fortress far, far away, Bill O’Reilly glared at his TV, wishing people loved him as much as they loved Stewart.


        Stephen Colbert gently put his arms around Jon Stewart.

        “Wow, are you this friendly to all the guests on your show, Stephen?” Jon asked.

        “Oh, we have not even begun to get friendly, Jon.” Stephen replied, taking off his glasses. He then remembered that he was rather near-sighted and put his glasses back on.

        “Are you still angry about the Colbert Super-Pac episode?” asked Jon. Adopting his ‘tough New Yorker’ voice, he said “Cuz you know, these things, they happen, huh?”

        “Somewhat.” replied Stephen. “And for that you’re going to do voices for me, Jon. All of your voices.”

    • Everytime they showed Rmoney on the plane on his way to Boston I thought “I bet it has windows he can open”, that joke will never get old.

  1. “Repair his broken relationship with the cast of Sesame Street.”

    That’s pretty irreparable there.

  2. what if romney grows weird facial hair and decides to pursue a semi-ironic career as a rapper and a year later there’s a mediocre documentary about it on netflix. what then.

  3. 26 – Join forces with Bic to create highly unsuccessful “Binders for Women” product line. I would love to read the Amazon reviews.

  4. “Hang out with more women”

    What are you talking about? He already has all of his binders to keep him company.

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