The World Series came to a close last night (congrats, Astros fans!).To honor the occasion, our team spent an entire workday this week ranking baseball batted babes by lesbianism. Well, I mean, the World Series and also the fact that we still can’t stop thinking and talking about A League of Their Own.
This list was calculated using my usual form of gay math. I dropped a whole bunch of photos into Slack, provided a little context, and asked everyone on the team to vote for each batter on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being least lesbian, 5 being most lesbian). I also asked them to offer some evidence for their ranking. And then everyone voted somewhere between a one and a FIFTY because the only thing queers love more than sharing their opinions is BEING CHAOTIC. Which is fine, of course; I am not exactly known for making people follow “rules.” I averaged the votes and sorted them and another entirely scientific Autostraddle list was born.
25 Babes With Baseball Bats, Ranked by Lesbianism
25. Max Mayfield, Stranger Things
Heather: Here Max is threatening a bully/prepping for eventual Demodog encounters.
Valerie Anne: I don’t believe that Max is straight but I also don’t believe she’s ever held a baseball bat before.
Shelli Nicole: We all know how I feel about the children of Stranger Things. They are my little cousins and I would do anything to save them. That being said, Max needs zero help and her wielding this may not be very gay but it is very badass.
Natalie: Had to lose some points for the spikes and the awkward grip. Definitely not adding her to my softball lineup.
24. Beyoncé, Lemonade
Heather: They don’t love you like I love you.
Shelli Nicole: THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!!!!
Christina: Changed me.
Drew: Okay but this is one of THE great works of heterosexual art and I don’t want to erase their culture.
Vanessa: WAS WAITING FOR THIS THE WHOLE TIME.
Vanessa: THIS IS MY TWILIGHT MOMENT, LANEIA.
23. Gail Peck, Rookie Blue
Heather: At the batting cages on a gay date! Hilariously runs away from a slow pitch!
Valerie Anne: Gail “Noodle Arms” Peck never backed down from a fight, could murder a man with just a look, had quips that would make your brain explode…but couldn’t hit a baseball to save her life. AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.
Natalie: Oh Gail…she was good at a lot of things. Baseball, however, was not one of them.
Natalie: The footwear is a dead giveaway.
22. Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp
Heather: Prior to realizing she is a supernatural goddess, Waverly uses a baseball bat to protect herself. Her boyfriend at the time is a useless lump.
Valerie Anne: That bat beat away compulsory heterosexuality and set her free!!!
Meg: IT SURE DID.
Darcy: The only “you’ll be hitting the boys off so the a stick” we really need.
Natalie: This is giving, “I have to do everything myself.”
21. Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy
Heather: Fondly remembered for its Calzona outfield canoodles, season seven’s “Put Me In, Coach” also showcases Owen turning on the pitching machine to pelt Cristina with softballs, so she scowls, squares her shoulders, and knocks it out of the… well, the infield. She’s been drinking from a flask in the outfield with Meredith all day.
Valerie Anne: She should have hit Owen in the head and put us all out of our misery.
Christina: One of the baseball scenes is where Cristina says “I am in love with Teddy” sooooo.
Anya: I have never seen Grey’s Anatomy so I am basically picturing Eve from Killing Eve batting up, and that is very gay.
Vanessa: Casey, same.
Natalie: If only, Valerie. If only.
20. Mrs. Barbara Howard (Woman of God), Abbott Elementary
Heather: Borrowed her work wife’s baseball bat (taped under her desk, ofc) to demolish the school’s one working toilet so the city would have to come fix all the bathrooms.
Valerie Anne: If this were ‘ranked by badassery’ I would have ranked this higher but I have a feeling if I told her I was a lesbian she’d be like, “My cousin’s neighbor’s daughter’s hairdresser’s dog walker is a lesbian, do you know her? I should set you up!”
Nico: It is true that heterosexual women can also be badasses.
Shelli Nicole: Mrs. Howard showed 26 minutes of The Rocky Horror Picture Show to her church on Halloween. A true Ally to the community.
Shelli Nicole: Plus she’s so hot and can do whatever she wants. Heyyyyyyy Mrs. Howard….
Christina: She is so hot it makes me ill.
Nico: I will third this.
Darcy: Yeah this ranks low in lesbianism but extremely high in my heart.
Natalie: She will not allow her desks to be desked yet again!
19. Carol Danvers, Captain Marvel
Heather: She gets knocked down over and over in a montage, including this one where a boy pitcher tries to knock off her head — but then she GETS THE FUCK BACK UP so she can get back home to her wife and daughter.
Drew: I am deeply sorry to the Captain Marvel gay subtext community but in the years that have passed Marvel’s lack of actual gay stuff has made me harsher on this.
Stef Rubino: I hear that. I feel like I should’ve been harsher but this is one of only two Marvel movies i’ve actually seen, and it felt pretty gay at the time.
Drew: Oh it feels sooo gay no argument from me there.
Carmen: If someone wants to read my ‘Carol Danvers is Monica Rambeau’s deadbeat dad’ fanfiction, you know where to find me.
18. The Cullens, Twilight
Heather: I was going to give y’all some context for this one too, but the fact that everyone started chanting TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! as soon as I announced this list makes me think you don’t need it.
Valerie Anne: All vampires are gay. These vampires are playing baseball. Therefore this baseball is gay. Simple math.
Nico: This is the most realistic depiction of how lesbians play baseball. Even if not everyone in this scene is a lesbian, they play baseball with the enthusiasm, gusto and prowess of lesbians.
Stef: Nico, that’s exactly correct.
Shelli Nicole: Film at it’s fucking finest.
Kayla: I came in here to say “this is cinema” before seeing Laneia’s comment.
Laneia: You know what, I might have to disagree with everyone here and say that vampires are specifically bi, but then between the Alice/Bella slashfic I’ve read and the fact that Edward is canonically a lesbian bisexual, this is a very lesbian baseball moment. Straight mortal beings could never.
Kayla: I love media analysis.
Christina: If you ask the average internet riddled homosexual what cinema is, a shockingly high number will say this scene
Vanessa: I want it noted I voted 5 for this solely because I love Laneia.
17. Ginny Baker, Pitch
Heather: Fox’s amazing baseball show about the first woman pitcher in the MLB that was cancelled after one season because they kept putting it up against Thursday Night Football.
Shelli Nicole: WAIT — who is this?!
Valerie Anne: I’ve never forgiven TV for cancelling this show, and I 100% blame Mark-Paul Gosselaar because if they had just let her be GAY and not forced her to KISS HIM it would have been a PERFECT SHOW.
Valerie Anne: (Or even if they hadn’t let her be gay but just not put them together I HAVE A LOT OF UNRESOLVED PITCH FEELINGS.
Christina: I MISS THIS SHOW.
Riese: I FUCKING LOVED THIS SHOW.
Kayla: I MISS THIS SHOW SO MUCH.
Carmen: THIS SHOW WAS PERFECT NOW I AM SO SAD.
Natalie: My crusade to bring back Pitch continues unabated…
Natalie: Also, there were no American-born Black MLB players in the World Series for the first time since 1950. We need this representation back on our screens!
16. Kristy Thomas, Baby-Sitter’s Club
Heather: Tomboy icon + BSC founder and president Kristy Thomas is at bat.
Stef Rubino: Kristy Thomas is gay as hell.
Riese: Why is there a zombie in the stands at this baseball game?
Stef Rubino: To watch baseball, Riese.
Riese: That’s true good point zombies deserve a nice evening at the little league game as much as the rest of us.
Stef Rubino: Yeah, he’s trying to harness the joys of his former life.
Darcy: I viscerally remember when I started getting these books through the book fair with the NEW, sophisticated cover redesign.
Darcy: With the crooked BSC logo.
Darcy: They felt SO MUCH fancier than the old ones.
Darcy: Kristy and the Trouble With Zombies.
Casey: Remember when she didn’t want to date Bart, her rival kids baseball team coach?
Darcy: I cannot BELIEVE there are only two fives on this and one is mine.
Vanessa: DARCY I have joined you.
15. Camila Noceda, The Owl House
Heather: Camila is the mom of The Owl House’s bisexual main character, Luz. Camila has adopted all the kids on this show, basically; is a veterinarian; and is using a baseball bat to beat up demons to keep her gay babies safe.
Nico: I love that there are not one, but two instances of people using baseball bats to fight demons on this list?
Valerie Anne: THE PIN.
Kayla: Jack-o-lantern shirt under a flannel is somehow even gayer than the literal Pride pin.
Carmen: I was gonna vote her lower, but the pin really cinched it.
Natalie: I had to go 5 on this: the pin combined with the jack-o-lantern t-shirt (clearly a reference to gay Christmas) plus the way she’s holding the bat…this is EXTRA GAY.
14. Renee Montoya, Batwoman
Heather: Renee is walking into a party in a suit, flanked by other gay gals, ready to start/finish a fight.
Valerie Anne: THE SWAGGER.
NICO: THE SUIT.
Kayla: Color coordinating the bat to the suit is iconiccccc dyke behavior.
Carmen: Ok but no one has mentioned that it’s Harley Quinn’s bat? No disrespect to Renee Montoya, but that means all her points should also be Harley’s points.
Carmen: Harley should win the list. Her bat is so gay it made a new girlfriend.
13. Snorlax, Pokemon Sun and Moon
Heather: In this episode of Pokemon Sun and Moon, “Pulling Out the Pokémon Base Pepper!,” Snorlax uses Pulverizing Pancake to smash Wobbuffet and beat Team Rocket!
Shelli Nicole: I don’t know what this is but lol 5 stars.
Stef Rubino: This reminds me of me If I were to go up to bat, so I’m saying 5, as well.
Vanessa: Do we think Snorlax is a fat femme or fat butch or…
Stef Rubino: I’m claiming them for the butch but also genderless community.
Vanessa: This feels true and right, Stef.
12. Boris, Slo Pitch
Heather: Boris is a chaotic German lesbian who plays in the Canadian slow pitch beer league. Her team is the Brovaries.
Shelli Nicole: Although I hate the team name I dig this show.
Casey: This is giving strong Kate McKinnon licking her ghost busting equipment vibes.
11. Nancy Gillian, 9-1-1: Lone Star
Heather: Nancy is queer and played softball in high school because of the girls. Her nickname was The Big Whiff but she kept playing anyway, due to the: girls.
Shelli Nicole: I HATE that nickname but also – 5 stars.
Carmen: She’s so tall. That’s it. I’m gay. She’s so tall.
Carmen: The legs!?!? The height!?!?
10. Ruby and Sapphire, Steven Universe
Heather: Ruby and Sapphire are married and are usually fused together to form Garnet, but they unfuse due to competitiveness to play baseball. They flirt the whole time.
Valerie Anne: Flirt-fighting with your partner during sports sounds pretty gay to me.
Natalie: I like the follow through. Also I’m picturing Dottie yelling “dirt in the skirt!” from the dugout.
9. Harley Quinn, Bat-verse
Heather: Your favorite chaotic bisexual’s favorite weapon is a baseball bat.
Valerie Anne: She’s a Batman universe “villain” who carries a bat that would be recognized as hers even if she wasn’t holding it SHE WINS.
Shelli Nicole: Harley is a bisexual menace and I support her wielding items to cause chaos in any form.
Carmen: I literally voted for the highest number I could.
Natalie: The level of excitement with which she is wielding that bat is both scary and sexy.
8. Doris Murphy, A League of Their Own
Heather: The only context you need here is: This is Rosie. In a League of Their Own.
Nico: It’s ROSIE.
Stef Rubino: And still one of the gayest characters in cinema. To ME. Personally.
Riese: I mean.
Sai: My favorite is her impression of Penny Marshall telling her to play the scenes less gay.
Casey: I can hear her yelling, lesbian-ly, in my head when I look at this picture.
Carmen: I’m going to just casually lay down in the street so that she can run on over me.
7. Nicole, Fresh Off the Boat
Heather: When Nicole can’t figure out how to tell her dad she’s a lesbian, she joins The Denim Turtle — the town’s gay bar — softball team and then comes out in the middle of a game.
Shelli Nicole: I wish with all my heart that I had come out to my dad in the middle of one of my softball games — instead I chose an email about a decade later. This is very iconic dykey behavior.
Vanessa: Heather, I no longer feel the need to watch television, I feel like you can just tell me about the best scenes and I’ll be content.
Natalie: Coming out after joining a softball team for a gay bar? This is PEAK gay.
Natalie: However, -1 point for the notsogay uniform. This was the 90s, this outfit should’ve been much, much gayer!
6. Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife
Heather: Beat the literal hell out of an enemy’s car after stealing evidence from it, left a lipstick kiss on the rearview mirror.
Sally: I’m only voting once, and it’s to give this one 50, because it deserves it.
Kayla: Do you know how many times the gif of this moment showed up on my personal tumblr when I was still identifying AS STRAIGHT????????????????
Nico: A sign??
Sally: Literally the only reason anyone would be straight is so they could be turned gay by this scene.
Shelli Nicole: This is always something I wanted to do if I were a villain so…10/10.
Christina: Filed under: things I think about a lot.
Natalie: 🎵 I bust the windows out your car/ You should feel lucky that that’s all I did. 🎵
5. JoJo Siwa, MLB Celebrity All-Star Game
Heather: A home run! Watch this gazelle (affectionate) run!
Shelli Nicole: This is — unspeakably and off the charts dykey.
Stef: Even the expression on her face!
Casey: The hair!
Riese: It’s like her hair is taken aback by the velocity of the dyke energy here.
4. Jo DeLuca, A League of Their Own
Heather: DeLuca the Bazooka wins the World Series.
Meg: Christ almighty, this picture.
Stef Rubino: If she doesn’t get to go to a secret gay bar and schmooze with some other hot babe (instead of getting beaten up!!) next season, I’m gonna lose it.
Casey: Agreed! Give Jo a girlfriend!! Maybe with a pitcher from another team who is her enemy at first??
Natalie: I love that storyline idea, Casey.
Carmen: Hey wife.
Vanessa: Found Jo a girlfriend! 😇 ^
3. Ryan Wilder, Batwoman
Heather: She’s BATwoman.
Nico: 5 out of 5 bats!
Valerie Anne: The best bat!
Carmen: (She better rank in the top three or everybody’s fired.)
Natalie: Our forever bat.
2. Max Chapman, A League of Their Own
Heather: Max never actually bats in ALOTO, but she sure does strike out a whole lotta men. (And only strikes out with one woman.)
Valerie Anne: NO NOTES.
Shelli Nicole: NO NOTES AT ALL.
Stef Rubino: NOT A SINGLE ONE.
Nico: ZERO NOTES.
Casey: THE LEAN I’M DEAD.
Carmen: LITERALLY NOT A NOTE.
Natalie: Torn between being utterly seduced by this picture and being stuck on there being no bats. I’m a sports gay, you can’t do this to me!
1. Jodie Foster, Rookie of the Year
Heather: An ABC Afterschool Special from 1973 about Jodie Foster joining an all-boys baseball team.
Shelli Nicole: We should make a post where it is just this photo and zero words — clicks off the charts.
Shelli Nicole: I see we are on the same page, Laneia.
Natalie: The outfit, the tentative grip on the bat, the concentration…it’s all very “baby gay.”