22 Reasons Why I’m Not a Hipster

Today while riding my bike home, I stopped at a stoplight. There were three other people there. Four individuals on bikes at one stoplight. That was a lot to handle to begin with. Then this hipster nodded at me. Not a friendly nod. It was smug. It was self-congratulating. It was a fucking hipster nod. I couldn’t believe it. Sure I had on Wayfarer looking sunglasses (got them for a buck fifty…that’s not slang. They were literally $1.50), a bandanna (my ears get cold), and was listening to Local Natives (if you don’t like Sticky Thread you can just kill yourself) but I’m not a hipster. Off the top of my head, here are a few reasons why.

I'm pissed off already

1. I don’t like The Royal Tenenbaums. Not sure why this one popped into my head as a go to hipster flick but it is as are a bunch of others. Including The Darjeeling Limited which I have yet to see. It sounds like it would be an awesome Bollywood film but will probably be hipster nonsense. Netflix says I will give it two stars. Maybe I’ll give it three because of the score.

2. I hate bikes even though it is my primary mode of transportation. But it’s not a fixie because there are these things called hills. Not sure if you fuckers on one speed bikes have heard of them.

3. I don’t like beer. This includes PBR.

4. I am a fan of power clashing grays but my clothes still match. I also layer properly.

5. Wispy mustaches are stupid unless you are dressed as a Mario Brother. Why are they the Mario Brothers? That makes it seem like Mario is a last name. Nintendo, do better.

6. Gays already have the triangle. So what are you doing?

7. I don’t drink coffee. I feel the same way about coffee snobs the way I do about wine snobs. They’re douches.

8. I don’t pretend to not give a fuck…I actually don’t.

9. I don’t know shit about philosophy unless you count being awesome as a philosophy. Then I know a lot.

10. I don’t have a Mac. I have a huge PC that my mom got from Walmart because that’s how we living.

11. I only read screenplays because I’m too poor to buy books and I don’t want to ride the wheels of death to the library.

12. I’m way better at being sarcastic than hipsters. It’s not even a contest.

13. I prefer American Comedy to British Comedy.

Treated

14. Enough with the fucking dubstep.

15. I think I like one Arcade Fire song. In total.

16. I know leggins are not pants.

17. I don’t wear plaid or floral prints.

18. I don’t wear Converse, Reeboks, Vans, or Toms. It’s just embarrassing.

19. I don’t take pictures of myself…but I should. Look at me.

20. I don’t have a tattoo. Black people don’t fare well as is. Black people with tattoos fare even worse.

21. I eat meat. Most of which comes from discount grocery stores because organic shit is expensive. I’m still going to live longer than you though so…smart use of money there.

22. I wear pants that don’t show my ankles…because those kinds of pants are capris and I’m not twelve. Either that or you’re flooding which makes you look like the poorest kid from middle school. And when you’re actually broke you do pretty much everything in your power not to look broke.

++

I know that in the 1940’s the original hipsters were just white kids trying to be as cool as the black people playing jazz. Which brings me to why I truly loathe hipsterdom. It’s an obsession with otherness while still being firmly planted in privilege.

P.S. Have you ever called a hipster a hipster to their face? They get pissed off. It’s hilarious.

Originally published on B is Hilarious. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.

Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 330 articles for us.

173 Comments

  1. Sometimes, your social critique approaches the mystical. Like, “11. I only read screenplays because I’m too poor to buy books and I don’t want to ride the wheels of death to the library.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

    • I think she’s implying that hipsters like to crow about reading screenplays. She’s got cheaper access to screenplays, and doesn’t want to bike all the way to the library (which I suppose is pretty dangerous if you don’t live in a bike-friendly city).

      But maybe I am totally wrong!

  2. 99% agreement, particularly on the coffee hate. Why drink something that smells a thousand times better than it can ever taste?!

    However, a word on fixed-gear cycling, which I frowned upon for a while, too: not for everyone, somehow really great for me. The last thing I do before I get to work is a long-ass, steep-ass hill, and the couple of days I had mechanical issues and had to borrow my roommate’s disused ten-speed I was cursing the cycling gods with a very full voice indeed. What was formerly zip zip zip was more like lug lug lug stop pant change gear lug lug. So I’ll ride my bike and you ride yours and we can just agree not to hate.

    • This this this! I’ve been riding single speed (not fixed) for a few years now and just purchased a new bike (with gears!) to help with my daily 40 mile commute.

      30 year old bike is SO zippy! I love it! Brand new bike is fine, but is such a clodhopper in comparison

      Seriously. So good on the hills.

  3. No offense but the whole word “hipster” is thrown around too easily these days. From what your saying you could label anyone who’s young, lives in a city, wears glasses, drinks coffee that’s not from Starbucks, and rides a decent bike while maybe wearing plaid, as being a snotty “hipster.” From my own personal experience I think this term is more of an “attitude” not primarily a fashion/ lifestyle.

    We shouldn’t be mean spirited to each other based on materialism of course.
    But, numbering stereotypical reasons to hate people is plain ignorant sounding.

    • THIS. EXACTLY.

      Seriously folks, can we stop talking about hipsters? I go to a small liberal arts college with lots of different forms of “hipsters,” and some of them drive me insane with their pretentiousness and privilege. But you know what drives me more crazy? Listening to ten million people, both around campus and online, talk about why hipsters are the worst and why they are Absolutely Not A Hipster No Siree. Can we, as a culture, just move on already?

      • I understand and I think we all agree that the hipster thing is played out, but apparently it wasn’t, at least to us, ’cause we still thought this was really funny — that’s actually part of why we wanted to publish it, because it wasn’t like all the things we’ve already read about hipsters. it makes new jokes.

        i read it as a humorous commentary on the excessive commentary you mention, because the 22 things she picks are so fucking random. like hipster personas have become so frequently discussed that so many bizarre things — nay, nearly everything in the world — has been attributed to the hipster type at this point.

        generally though, I think I’m always a bit confused by comments like these because like — i’m really sick of talking about facebook so when ppl write articles about it, especially about relationships w/r/t facebook, i just don’t read the article, i read something else.

        we’ve started publishing 7-9 posts a day now in hopes that at least 5 posts per day will appeal to someone. so nothing comes at the sacrifice of something else.

        • Sure, and I totally respect that not every article is going to be for everyone. I didn’t find the tone of this funny, but I recognize that others did.

          I read it anyway because I thought maybe it was going to be discussing how lesbianism has been getting equated with “hipsterism” an awful lot lately. So then I commented because I was frustrated, and was glad to see that there were others who were frustrated as well.

          I also commented because I feel a sense of community here that I don’t elsewhere. On other sites, I might not have commented on the same article. But because I feel involved here, and know that those of you writing & running the site read and hear what we have to say (case in point, your comment back, which I really do appreciate), it feels worth it to give feedback about content.

          • I read it anyway because I thought maybe it was going to be discussing how lesbianism has been getting equated with “hipsterism” an awful lot lately.

            that’s interesting, i can totally see how you would think that’s what the angle would be here… i get it. anyhow, thanks for commenting/discussing!

      • I think the principle problem is that the term ‘hipster’ has somehow been expanded and conflated with ‘trendy’ while simultaneously being stigmatized as inauthentic (anathema to trendy folks unless it’s done with an overhanded ironic distancing somehow swinging it back around to authentic?). So now everything/everyone ‘trendy’ is at risk for hipster contamination/being outed as somehow fraudulent/a poseur as opposed to the naturally trendy/fashionable authentic folks.

        ___

        A pretty interesting read that delves into the idea of authenticity (and race/tourism) is David Grazian’s “Blue Chicago: The Search for Authenticity in Urban Blues Clubs”.

          • It’s okay. I’m in a pretentious high school program, and I do the same thing. Today in class we discussed whether THE VISIT (foreign play) is a critique on the concept of democracy as a whole, or just the utalitarianistic aspects of it. And then we discussed whether democracy can exist outside that mindset.

  4. My reason #1 would be “I actually give a shit abut politics, read the news, fill out censuses and vote cuz I’m not a smug, whiny apathetic douche.” Some dude tried to tell me I was hipster because I own Threadless shirts and collect obscure cartoons. I countered with the above and rendered him speechless. :V

  5. “Why are they the Mario Brothers? That makes it seem like Mario is a last name. Nintendo, do better.”

    Okay, I know there were a TON of other things that I probably should have commented on, but I’m a video game nerd. So..
    Mario IS the last name. The Mario Bros. full names are Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.
    I’m guessing it’s an Italian thing?

  6. I think this is quite relevant right now:

    Re the lyrics – my problem is that I DID get on a train from Cambridgeshire and I DID move into an East London flat and yes I DO ride a single speed bike (London and Cambridge are flat). But I do not wear raybans nor jeggings nor am I a faux-losipher or a complete wannabe.
    But if I’m told I am a dickhead? Well all my friends are dickheads too. Sucks to be you 😛

  7. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. Look, I think there are a lot of things wrong with this so-called ‘hipster’ culture, like shopping at Urban Outfitters and American Apparel, being expected to look a certain way, as well as occasional exclusiveness. But I like most of these things on this list because I honestly think they’re good things, and I don’t care if you do or don’t, as long as you’re doing what makes you happy.

  8. What a strange thing pop culture is. We all want to say we listened to punk music before it was on mtv.
    we all want to look presentable and stylish in a way that shows we are relatively caught up with the times, but fear being seen as part of the actual movement. Are you a hipster? Not a hipster?
    Remember that article that kc danger wrote about hipster style and lesbian style being ever so similar?

    Why Lesbians Won’t Give Up the Hipster

    i think that now that hipsters are on network sitcoms, the trend is going to fade away. and then we can move on to the next group that we don’t want to be a part of but probably sort of are anyway.

  9. Frankie, come to East London and then tell me we don’t have hipsters in England…

    I quite like ’em, they brighten the place up with their multiple scarves and 80s high-tops and it means there’s lots of warehouse parties going on.

    I think the author of this piece is a bit of a grump. There’s nowt wrong with cycling a fixie, they’re fun!

    Anyway, I’m sure it’s been posted, but this video is very relevant here 🙂

  10. Maybe I’m a closet hipster, but I look damn good doing it!

    1. I’m black and I have tattoos, although I only rock a limited selection of colors I’ve gotten many compliments on them.
    2. I do own a mac
    3. I wear chucks sometimes but I hate plaid and floral prints and my pants don’t flood
    4. sarcasm is my middle name
    5. I love coffee, hate starbucks
    6. I love my bike, it’s not a single speed or a fixie (trek PXD!)
    7. I hate beer, I don’t see peoples obsession with PBR
    8. I really have no fucks to give
    9. V-necks are awesome!
    10. British comedies are are cool, america just remakes then into shit
    11. I’m slowly falling into debstep

  11. I somehow doubt that you’ve been to Brooklyn because guess what, we’re not all coffee snob assholes. Yes I wear Vans and Toms, yes I ride a single speed, yes I drink PBR, wear plaid etc etc etc I could go on. I eat meat. I don’t drink coffee. I read Al Jazeera and The Economist. I live further in Brooklyn than bougie Williamsburg. I could superficially identified as a hipster. But a pretentious large glasses wearing asshole? Far from it.

  12. if you don’t like the royal tenenbaums then don’t watch The Darjeeling Limited. you will want to throw a remote through your tv. i used to laugh at hipsters and found a book about hipsters as a gag gift for a friend of mine, but after reading the book found out i was a bit of a hipster. i think there’s a hipster spectrum, such as the one for autisim, and i am clearly on it. no more denial for me.

  13. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Though converses and vans are my s#!t. And…

    Woah…yeah, Black people and tats. You gotta be careful (color wise). I have a tat though, came out pretty good. I plan on getting at least three more 🙂

    Beer is disgusting. But the southern in me will occasionally drink a Bud Light to keep my buzz.

    What’s with the Macs & Hipsters. I love my Mac. It’s a kick-ass computer. Hipsters are giving Mac users a bad rep 🙁

    I’m a music techie, but I’m not big on dubstep. Some dub, but definitely not most.

  14. I dont get why a group of people that all like the same things is something to look down on? I have a hard time finding people that listen to Grindcore or watch horror movies the way i do. Is this just a westcoast thing?

  15. if I’m to avoid talking about how my hips don’t lie incase I might just blow all of your online-lesbian-mode minds..

    then the closest i get to being a hipster is rocking striped tees.

    but then again, french people cycling with baguettes in their basket opt for la tee avec stripe

    and thieves with bags of swag and eye masks opt for stripey tees.

    In simply typing those last three sentences, I’ve spotted a pattern. People in stripey tees like to get away with things, crook – bread, frenchie – bread, hipster – claiming to be cool.

    I am now opting whether I should follow suit and grab poppy seed bun on the way to work…but wait would that be too cool of me?

  16. Oh my god… I’m a hipster.

    But I sort of feel like the number one hipster trait is to deny all involvement in the hipster movement, because you know, those guys are SO totally posers (unlike the individual that *I* am). So if I admit it, it can’t possible be true, right?

  17. Im so confused first what the fuck is arcade fire sounds like a shtty version of astroids or something. Boneheads – Racist assholes <—– PROBLEM . Hipsters kids that like beer , coffee , macs and bikes oh alright welcome to 80 percent of the population really ? <—- Not a problem.

    I met some girls from long beach in Vegas this weekend and they hit most of these and they were DABS!

  18. I always thought Hipsters were just kids who thought they’re sooooo nonconformist and really pretentious (note, pretentious does NOT mean elitist, it means “Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed”) but are actually quite plain and shallow.

    Now it’s basically evolved to mean… an indie kid? I mean, I like some indie bands, but I don’t think I’m better than anyone for it. That’s childish. I’ll listen to mainstream stuff too, if I like it. I’m liberal, but that’s honestly because that’s just how I think and feel. I like art and experimental art/music/anything and thinking, but that doesn’t mean I’m an elitist douche, those are just my interests. Most people are interested in that anyway, maybe on an implicit level, but am I right?

    I don’t know. I JUST WISH PEOPLE WOULDN’T JUDGE SO MUCH. I JUST WANT TO LIVE THE WAY IT FEELS RIGHT. I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS.

    But I understand being frustrated with the first definition of hipster, because that’s just unfriendly.

  19. My roommate prides herself on being a hipster. She’s made it her personal goal to make me a hipster by the end of the year.

    Yeah. No. I like Ke$ha and flavoured vodka too much for that shit to fly.

  20. Three things:
    b) The chucks thing only applies if you’re legally old enough to drink. Otherwise, you’re just a teenager.
    c) fuck coffee. Guatemalan hot chocolate is better.
    f) dubstep is shit. 1930’s gypsy-jazz is so much cooler.
    e) Also, every kid at my highschool likes dubstep.
    r) they also all love pbr. And pretend to give no fucks.

    In conclusion, I think what a hipster really is is an adult who hasn’t noticed yet.

  21. I’m almost glad my vision is fucked, because my face looks rubbish when glasses don’t break it up a bit. NGL, I’d be tempted to wear brainy specs. I’d not be stupid enough to not have lenses in them.

    The too-short pants are a big peeve for me. When my pants are too short, it’s because my legs are too long (poor diddums). I think it looks ridiculous.

  22. The only thing I’m going to comment on is #18.
    Toms Shoes actually does some good. There is a reason you are paying $50 for a pair of unstylish(but comfortable) canvas shoes. You are actually purchasing TWO pair and one goes to a child in a needy country. If that’s embarrassing then I’ve got this whole altruistic “make the world a better place” thing waaaaaay wrong.

  23. And I quote from the Mean Girls bible:

    Janis Ian 4:23, A bitch-out to Cady while on Damien’s (too-gay-to-function) car:

    “Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?”*

    and from the (burn) book of Cady 3:22

    “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.”

    I think this is appropriate because one thou shall not take thyself too seriously. I am appropriating Christian elements into this pop culture movie because it completely makes sense in the context of this whole post and I really love the damn movie. Also when you become a popular hipster, never forget your friends because PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU and YOU DO YOU, BOO!

    May the glittery unicorn of love and peace be with all you homogays,

    So fetch.

    *Replace awesome with hipster and all the things will make sense

  24. Blah blah I’m so unique, x group does x but I don’t do x because I’m the most original person ever and I care so little about other people’s opinions that I spend all my time broadcasting to others that I don’t care about their opinions.

    Perhaps this post is supposed to be ironic but I’ve seen so many people write this kind of crap in earnest that it just comes off as another pretentious rant.

  25. The only thing I really have against hipsters is that hipsterism got big right when I was coming out, therefore completely erasing the true meaning of all the plaid I started wearing.

  26. The article prompted me to write my first comment on Autostraddle. If the author meant for it to be funny/ironic, I’m sorry, but it’s not. It also doesn’t help that the author has posted sarcastic replies to readers’ comments. Unprofessiona, bitchy and not very Autostraddle.

    It’s lame, meanspirited and as we can see from the comments, hates on many of AS’s readers. This is the sort of post I expect to see on a blog, not on Autostraddle, and I have no idea why this article was approved. Riese?

  27. I keep debating with my friends what, “hipster” actually means to them. It is always endlessly fascinating to read various perceptions in regards to the hipster persona and I just get a kick out of what “hipster” means. Seriously, go ask your parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. and enjoy the laughter.

    However, this article felt more like reading a journal entry. I know Autostraddle is in the business of writing about a variety of topics that range from the profound to the inane (sometimes, in a single day) but I felt this article was very stale and lacked any originality. Now, if you had come up with 22 reasons that featured maybe 8 or 9 points that none of us had read before OR took a unique perspective? I would have given you 5 gold stars and a unicorn sticker. Unfortunately, you went for the old tired and true hipster jokes (the mustache and screenplay points were kinda funny) which just is sort of yawn worthy.

    The only reason I even commented on this article is due to the fact that I truly enjoy reading your words, Brittani. I’m not a catty person who hides behind anonymity in order to attack. I just felt a little let down when I read the title of this article work and rushed to my desk to read it. Better luck next time.

  28. Perhaps there should now be an article called “23 Reasons Why I Am A Hipster”. Then again, a true hipster wouldn’t give a fuck, or pretend that they don’t give a fuck according to this article.

    TBH, I don’t fully understand what makes someone a hipster. Is it solely their fashion sense or their line of thinking coupled with fashion sense or their line of thinking, attitude about the world in general, and fashion sense?

    I also don’t fully understand the hatred towards them. Hm.

  29. I do most of these things. I’m obsessed with James Blake…dubstep!!!

    but… unlike hipsters I understand there’s a time and place for everything. I like classic skirt suits just as much ironic personality glasses.

    And I agree. I’m Black w/o tattoos. The moment we get a visible one we’ve committed to a life of entertainment and judgement. We all can’t be Rihanna.

    With that said. Yes. Yes I does wants a great quote of philosophical text from antiquity on my side rib-cage or back. …hipster.

  30. “Have you ever called a hipster a hipster to their face? They get pissed off. It’s hilarious.”

    Sometimes they write articles about why they aren’t a hipster and post them on websites that have nothing to do with hipsters. You don’t even have to call them a hipster, you can just nod at them the right way and they freak out

    It’s pretty funny

  31. I remember the first time someone explained what a hipster was to me. This was last year. And I realized that I, minus the pretentiousness, may have been a hipster without knowing it.

    I mean I like how some of them dress. Stuff like plaid, skinny jeans and converse. Although that could more be a function of my being queer than anything else.

    And my glasses are indeed big. But I am also truly close to being blind so my glasses have always been big and thick. Long before that was cool. As a side note, contact lens were the greatest invention ever. After glasses of course.

    I love indie music.

    I love foreign films. I also love saying random shiite in foreign languages. Again, this is probably because I am more weird than anything else. Because let’s face it, I also sometimes incorporate quotes from movies in my speech. Quotes that only I get sometimes.

    And I prefer wine to beer. Although truth be told, I prefer cocktails by far to wine.

    At the same time, I love popular music too (top 40 radio is awesome!). I aspire to having more name brand clothes, shoes and accessories and wish I could afford them. And I will drink beer because it is often cheaper, at least in the US.

    But here’s my question, if I think I am a hipster and am accepting of being called one, does this mean that I am not truly a hipster since a hipster would apparently never admit to being one?

    Sometimes American culture confuses me. 🙂

    http://SoNotStraight.tumblr.com

  32. *looks around at room filled with plaid, converse, tea snobbery, and indie fashion cutouts*

    ummm…yeah…so upon reading this article I think I might be a hipster.

    And here I thought I was just being grunge 🙁

  33. Hipsters are so stupid. They think PBR is a “craft beer” and that it actually has flavour. PBR tastes like a watered down Bud Light (which in itself is pretty flavourless). Yeah, that’s so “flavourful”

    Beer flavoured water is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tasty

    Jesus Christ, drink a Guinness or something

  34. The MAC thing bugs the hell out of me: Hipsters stole the Mac. I learned on a Mac back in 1984. Way before the Hipster arrival. Macs were popular to us nerds (I am a girl) before PCs. They work better sorry. I own both and my Mac is faster, has more storage and is better at photo editing and web design etc. However, Pcs are cheaper and easier to use. They allow you to customize and do more with less knowledge needed. Which is why I have both.

    My main thing with Hipsters is they think they are so unique yet really they are extremely unoriginal (since they all copy each other), fake nerdy, and just goofy. Skinny jeans on guys will never be appealing to me. They look cute on teenage boys but not men.

    One thing that makes you sound a little hipster is the F word used in almost every other sentence. Not a huge deal though.

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