15 Snacks You Can Eat As You Stare Dead-Eyed At The Person Who Says They Don’t Know Why It Always Has To Be A Gay Thing

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to continue to let someone talk without you giving any feedback. There are many scenarios in which this applies and for different reasons – off the top I’m thinking of when someone has a problem you’re not totally sure you’re qualified to give advice on, but in your concerned silence they eventually talk through the issues they’re having and without realizing it come to the conclusion on their own but actually credit you – but I’m talking specifically about when someone is giving a bad take on something.

Rather than you having to educate them on where they’re wrong, they get to experience out loud just how bad the reasoning behind their opinion is. There is something about someone sitting across from you in dead silence without giving you the encouragement of a “right” or “mm-hmm” that makes people’s brain scramble for more words, and just like in the essay portion of a test, the more you talk, the more apparent it becomes that you have no idea what you’re even saying.

Keeping quiet in these scenarios can be hard. Take for example a conversation with a straight person who doesn’t know why it always has to be a “gay thing.” Even typing that sentence switches on a giant “FIRST OF ALL” sign in my brain. At the very least you’re going to want to point out that speaking in absolutes is never a good idea, and that just math-wise it makes no sense when they’re basing their opinion on 1% of the content that crosses their eyeballs. Resist.

This is where food comes in. Not only will it keep your mouth busy, it’ll give you the energy your body is going to need while you internally scream, and release some endorphins to counter the cortisol leaking into your system. Also, eating food really slowly without any light in your eyes can be really unsettling for someone who’s trying to make a point.

Here are 15 snacks you can keep on your person for the next time this happens.

Pad Thai Popcorn

Peanut Butter Rice Crispy Treats


Spicy Cajun Pretzels

Truffle Popcorn

Sweet and Salty Granola Bar

Frozen Yogurt Covered Blueberries

Crispy Chickpea and Edamame

Plum Apricot Fruit Leather

Toasted Seaweed

Curried Baked Carrot Chips

No Back Almond Fudge Protein Bars

Matcha Green Tea Pound Cake

Carrot Cake Granola

Spicy Watermelon and Pistachios


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Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.


  1. I definitely needed one of these the other day when my roommate said, about her friend’s straight husband, “Oh Lisa, you’ll love this! He’s on a gay rugby team because he believes in allyship!”


  2. Content like this is why I read Autostraddle ;)

    There is something both cathartic and unnerving about the monotony of picking up small food items and eating them while giving someone a blank stare. Want to add unpitted olives to the list – double impact because you get to pick it up, eat it, then take the stone out of your mouth and put it down before repeating.

    Side note – luckily I hardly ever get the “why does it always have to be a gay thing” speech but it’s because I spend so little time socially with non LGBTQ humans. I’m blessed in that regard.

    • I like clementines for this exact reason – delicious fruit, lots of small bites to eat while scowling.

  3. nice. i wanna have a long strip of the fruit leather just hanging out of my mouth as my eyebrows creep higher and higher

  4. I should do this whenever my dad starts going on about chem trails, the government working with aliens, or anything he read on RT.

  5. as a professional, i can verify: dead-eyed eating is the civil disobedience sit-in equivalent in casual-conversation-based conflict resolution

  6. I’m going to start making sure my bag is stuffed full of Problematic People Popcorn whenever I’m going to be alone in a swarm of straights.

  7. I make sure to have a full cup of coffee with me for certain meetings for this very reason

  8. May I suggest bubble tea or a milkshake to go with your snacks?

    “Shllllurp…sorry, what did you say?”
    “Schhhhhllurglurglurp…sorry, what?”
    “Schcklcklklglurlglurp…I’m sorry I just really didn’t catch that”

    • A slurpy milkshake pairs especially well with crispy chickpeas, so you can keep up your onslaught of passive-aggressive food noises both while drinking AND eating.

  9. honestly, store-bought wise, pringles are the best for this. there’s the drama of reaching your hand into the tube over and over; the loud, satisfying crunch of biting into each chip; and not to mention the fact that they’re obviously going to want you to share but asking would require them to shut up in the first place. very satisfying.

  10. Can I just say that every single comment on this article is fucking gold and deserves a comment award?? Like can there be a commentS award for this whole section because honestly I am dying over every single mental image you have all provided me.

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