15 Snacks You Can Eat As You Stare Dead-Eyed At The Person Who Says They Don’t Know Why It Always Has To Be A Gay Thing

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to continue to let someone talk without you giving any feedback. There are many scenarios in which this applies and for different reasons – off the top I’m thinking of when someone has a problem you’re not totally sure you’re qualified to give advice on, but in your concerned silence they eventually talk through the issues they’re having and without realizing it come to the conclusion on their own but actually credit you – but I’m talking specifically about when someone is giving a bad take on something.

Rather than you having to educate them on where they’re wrong, they get to experience out loud just how bad the reasoning behind their opinion is. There is something about someone sitting across from you in dead silence without giving you the encouragement of a “right” or “mm-hmm” that makes people’s brain scramble for more words, and just like in the essay portion of a test, the more you talk, the more apparent it becomes that you have no idea what you’re even saying.

Keeping quiet in these scenarios can be hard. Take for example a conversation with a straight person who doesn’t know why it always has to be a “gay thing.” Even typing that sentence switches on a giant “FIRST OF ALL” sign in my brain. At the very least you’re going to want to point out that speaking in absolutes is never a good idea, and that just math-wise it makes no sense when they’re basing their opinion on 1% of the content that crosses their eyeballs. Resist.

This is where food comes in. Not only will it keep your mouth busy, it’ll give you the energy your body is going to need while you internally scream, and release some endorphins to counter the cortisol leaking into your system. Also, eating food really slowly without any light in your eyes can be really unsettling for someone who’s trying to make a point.

Here are 15 snacks you can keep on your person for the next time this happens.


Pad Thai Popcorn


Peanut Butter Rice Crispy Treats


Qumbe


Spicy Cajun Pretzels


Truffle Popcorn


Sweet and Salty Granola Bar


Frozen Yogurt Covered Blueberries


Crispy Chickpea and Edamame


Plum Apricot Fruit Leather


Toasted Seaweed


Curried Baked Carrot Chips


No Back Almond Fudge Protein Bars


Matcha Green Tea Pound Cake


Carrot Cake Granola


Spicy Watermelon and Pistachios

 

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 207 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. I definitely needed one of these the other day when my roommate said, about her friend’s straight husband, “Oh Lisa, you’ll love this! He’s on a gay rugby team because he believes in allyship!”

    WHY ARE STRAIGHT PEOPLE THO

  2. Content like this is why I read Autostraddle 😉

    There is something both cathartic and unnerving about the monotony of picking up small food items and eating them while giving someone a blank stare. Want to add unpitted olives to the list – double impact because you get to pick it up, eat it, then take the stone out of your mouth and put it down before repeating.

    Side note – luckily I hardly ever get the “why does it always have to be a gay thing” speech but it’s because I spend so little time socially with non LGBTQ humans. I’m blessed in that regard.

  3. May I suggest bubble tea or a milkshake to go with your snacks?

    “Shllllurp…sorry, what did you say?”
    “Schhhhhllurglurglurp…sorry, what?”
    “Schcklcklklglurlglurp…I’m sorry I just really didn’t catch that”

  4. honestly, store-bought wise, pringles are the best for this. there’s the drama of reaching your hand into the tube over and over; the loud, satisfying crunch of biting into each chip; and not to mention the fact that they’re obviously going to want you to share but asking would require them to shut up in the first place. very satisfying.

  5. Can I just say that every single comment on this article is fucking gold and deserves a comment award?? Like can there be a commentS award for this whole section because honestly I am dying over every single mental image you have all provided me.

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