11 Nicer Things I’d Like To Give To Eleven From “Stranger Things,” That Sweet Dove Of a Child

If you haven’t finished your Stranger Things Netflix marathon, beware that mild spoiler-type objects exist within this post.


1. Two Moms

“Papa? Papa?” NOPE. We’ve put the band back together but this time it’s just The Mama and The Other Mama. Trust me, you’ll like it here.

2. Kleenex

strangerthings_02

Quick question, brah: got any kleenex?

Not even one tissue?

Not even one tissue?

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE IN THIS TOWN CARRY KLEENEX TRAVEL PACKS

DOES NOBODY IN THIS TOWN HAVE SOME KLEENEX???!

3. All-Expenses-Paid Vacation to Disneyworld

Kids love Disneyworld, especially kids who’ve spent their formative years immersed in a sensory depravation tank while dressed in full-body Spanx with an astronaut helmet enclosing their sweet tiny head in a bubble of confusion and darkness. The world-famous buffet of cultural appropriation and commercialized journeys into the Imagination known as “Epcot Center” was founded in 1982, just one year before Eleven escaped from one of her various tiny holding cells into the woods. This can’t possibly be a coincidence! Listen: I love Epcot Center more than actual life itself. The Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow is precisely the type of quasi-Utopian technologist dreamscape a girl needs after so many years of crushing Coke cans with her eyeballs.

4. A shower

5. A Huggable Glo-Worm

gloworm

“Huggable Glo-Worm glimmers with happiness every time toddlers lovingly squeeze his cuddly tummy. Children never need be afraid of the dark… smiling Glo-Worm makes the perfect night light or carry-around companion. “

6. A Waffle Iron

Also, a field trip to Waffle House.

7. A new wig

Consider this:

terrifying-wig-kid

8. Confetti cake

Confetti Cake was invented for these kinds of situations. Listen: it’s confetti, in a cake. Have two slices! HAVE THE WHOLE DAMN CAKE. HAVE TWO WHOLE CAKES. Wear a giant t-shirt! Whatever you want, kiddo, we got it.

Vanilla icing it is, then.

Yes, yes, just stay hydrated and I can promise you vanilla icing and sprinkles

9. Pants

10. Magical Friends

Telekenesis Friends

Telekenesis Friends

If I learned anything from watching X-Men with my then-boyfriend, reading Harry Potter for the first time about four months ago, or marathoning Heroes in my linoleum-tiled hellscape of an apartment during a particularly dark period of 2007, it’s that special powers are scary… UNTIL YOU MAKE A FRIEND WHO ALSO HAS POWERS. Alternately, I could just get her a subscription to Ranger Rick, which I think is like the pre-internet equivalent of cute kitten videos.

11. A Spinoff with Barb

#whataboutbarb

I want you to think about Barb, and I want you to think about Nancy. And then I want you to think about Item #1 on this list.


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Riese

Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2962 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. YES I binged this show last night and came to two conclusions:

    1. The actor who plays Eleven is the next Natalie Portman (remember baby Natalie Portman? Remember The Professional?)
    2. Barb can do so much better than Nancy. If Barb lives thru this she is going to move to Seattle and join the Riot Grrl scene and volunteer at the animal shelter with Carrie Brownstein and become a raging lesbian.

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