Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a weekly show where we’ve all agreed to pretend everyone straight is gay in order to more easily trek through week after week of slow moving plot and misdirection.
Last week, someone drove a car through Emily’s house! Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again unless “someone” is Paige, “car” means dildo and “house” means vagina.
We open on Pam and Emily camped out in a motel while Pam fights with the police on the phone. Thank god the driver got caught and is in custody. Just kidding! Of course the driver wasn’t caught. It was probably a magical unicorn driver sent by A to mysteriously fuck with Emily once again.
Meanwhile, at the Hasting household, Aria, Hanna and Spencer gather to feel bad for Emily and, perhaps, ever so stealthily have a round of “so fucking glad it wasn’t me this time.”
Also Aria is dressed as my comic book fantasy dream girl and/or Beth Ditto. I have no idea why but I’m not complaining.
Mama Lawyer pops home with more bad news. Because Ashley Hastings is being charged with All The Worst Crimes the judge won’t let her post bail. So it looks like Ashley really is in for the long Orange Is The New Black treatment as she ships down to a federal facility.
Aria and Spencer head off to school, leaving Hanna to hang out with her dad and study the secret to her magically changing hair length. What the fuck is her secret?! Is it tons of biotin? Vitamin E? Maybe she’s just one of those magical hair growing Barbie dolls.
Outside school Aria has a little chit-chat with Mike. I know it’s been a few episodes, but I’m still not over the fact that he’s like… a character on this show again. I can’t just let characters in and out of my life like this. My little heart can’t take it.
I’m having trouble caring about Mike so let’s just cut to the chase. Basically Mike tells Aria he’s gonna be out late with the hockey team to get CRUNK. Also he’s taking martial arts lessons in order to uphold chivalry/the patriarchy.
Inside we meet up with Ezra in his classroom while he talks on the phone with Malcolm. It’s cute and I hate that PLL knows just how to emotionally manipulate me into liking Ezra. Somehow ABC Family must know that Butches And Babies is my homepage.
Emily walks in the room and Ezra tries to talk to her about her feelings, but he’s not nearly as good of a lesbian as Caleb. He at least has the good sense to be like, “Um hi, is anyone bullying you again a la A because that shit has happened before.” Emily denies everything. Of course.
Speaking of the most concerned lesbian on the block, Caleb stalks Rosewood High’s halls alongside Spencer freaking out about Hanna’s current whereabouts. She’s not returning his calls and since Caleb is a major UHauling lesbotron whose whole life is consumed by Hanna this is all he cares about.
Spencer also tells Caleb that the Liars are so totally hanging in there. I know what you’re thinking, this conversation sounds boring and pointless. It was. Let’s move on.
Back in Ezra’a classroom of literature and love, Ezra and Emily go over Emily’s college options. When did Ezra become qualified as a college counselor? Last time I checked he was subbing.
Emily thinks she has no chance of getting into any colleges because she’s a lesbian and therefore much more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression and a general sense that everyone in the world is better than her. Don’t worry Emily, you’ll get to college and a hot girl will fuck the anxiety right out of you. Or not, and instead you might just aggravate each other’s anxiety until you explode. Honestly it’s tough to say.
Ezra encourages Emily to contact her old supervisor, Zoe, from when she was building houses in Haiti. Do you even remember when that was? It was when we were mourning the loss of Maya. Well maybe you were, I was kind of take it or leave it with old Crazy Eyes St. Germaine.
Regardless we’re gonna contact Zoe… I hope she’s a dyke.
Starsweep across town to the Marin household where Hanna is receiving a collect call from an inmate in a federal corrections facility. Sadly it’s not from Alex Vause, it’s from Ashley! Words are exchanged, plans to say goodbye are made. They cry.
I can’t even handle this plot line.
Hanna hangs up the phone and thanks someone for coming over. Who has she enlisted for help? None other than the twisted, beautiful, bossy Mona. She’s got a weird dominatrix personality on today. I love it.
Why would Hanna enlist Mona’s help? Well…. Hanna’s gonna confess to killing Wilden. This is not going to go well.
Hanna explains that she thinks any consequences will be lessened for her than for her mother. She basically thinks that since Mona is the master liar (and for that matter the master baiter) she’ll be able to help Hanna lie perfectly. Mona responds by being cryptic and vague and somewhat like a Bond villain.
Mona and Hanna practice in the kitchen face to face. It’s as sexy as it sounds though I can’t explain why. Maybe I love love Ashley Benson’s voice/face. Hanna plans to tell the DA’s office that she killed Wilden because he was threatening her for telling people that he knocked up Alison. I love it, it’s a truth/lie/truth sandwich.
Meanwhile, at Spencer’s some Lawyer Kid interning for Mistress Lawyer Hastings is hanging out with tons and tons of boxes. Looks like the DA’s office sent all of Wilden’s files to the Hasting’s home address instead of Mistress Lawyer Hastings’s office.
This might sounds like bad news, but of course Spencer is thrilled. Now Spencer gets to help sort through classified material. Plus Spencer does love a new inappropriate prospective male partner.
In a crazy coincidental turn of events, the first folder Spencer opens is Wilden’s write-up of TobAy’s mother’s death. It looks like a clear cut suicide from his notes.
Starsweep across town to the Only Road In Rosewood where Aria meets up with Sensei Hot Stuff. Have we addressed yet Sensei’s ability to kind of look like a giant chimp sometimes?
Aria asks him if Mike has said anything or acted oddly during class. Sensei is hesitant to respond, what with Sensei-student confidentiality on the line, but sees how important this is to Aria and her shiny shiny hair. Sensei admits that Mike basically said people are out to get him. He also seems clearly weirded out by Aria’s family, a point of realism I appreciate.
Starsweep and time jump across town to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane where Spencer swings by with some cookies. She greets Orderly Lamb and offers him cookies that are actually just the forms on TobAy’s mom! Who says only Mona gets to be weird and cryptic?
Spencer points out that while Lamb’s report states that TobAy’s mom jumped off the roof, the official report elsewhere says she jumped from a window. Impressive Spencer, but this is morbid. I hate this.
Is it just me or is this episode boring?