Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a weekly show where we’ve all agreed to pretend everyone straight is gay in order to more easily trek through week after week of slow moving plot and misdirection.

Last week, someone drove a car through Emily’s house! Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again unless “someone” is Paige, “car” means dildo and “house” means vagina.

We open on Pam and Emily camped out in a motel while Pam fights with the police on the phone. Thank god the driver got caught and is in custody. Just kidding! Of course the driver wasn’t caught. It was probably a magical unicorn driver sent by A to mysteriously fuck with Emily once again.

What do you mean Disney on Ice is all sold out?!

Meanwhile, at the Hasting household, Aria, Hanna and Spencer gather to feel bad for Emily and, perhaps, ever so stealthily have a round of “so fucking glad it wasn’t me this time.”

Again, funnier if “car” means dildo.

Also Aria is dressed as my comic book fantasy dream girl and/or Beth Ditto. I have no idea why but I’m not complaining.

Oh this old thing? It’s made from the orgasms of 1000 geeky girls.

Mama Lawyer pops home with more bad news. Because Ashley Hastings is being charged with All The Worst Crimes the judge won’t let her post bail. So it looks like Ashley really is in for the long Orange Is The New Black treatment as she ships down to a federal facility.

We’re fucked.

Aria and Spencer head off to school, leaving Hanna to hang out with her dad and study the secret to her magically changing hair length. What the fuck is her secret?! Is it tons of biotin? Vitamin E? Maybe she’s just one of those magical hair growing Barbie dolls.

She never was the same after Caleb adopted that eighth cat.

Outside school Aria has a little chit-chat with Mike. I know it’s been a few episodes, but I’m still not over the fact that he’s like… a character on this show again. I can’t just let characters in and out of my life like this. My little heart can’t take it.

Guy in the background: C’mon man that was my last cheeto!

I’m having trouble caring about Mike so let’s just cut to the chase. Basically Mike tells Aria he’s gonna be out late with the hockey team to get CRUNK. Also he’s taking martial arts lessons in order to uphold chivalry/the patriarchy.

The Autostraddle Story

Inside we meet up with Ezra in his classroom while he talks on the phone with Malcolm. It’s cute and I hate that PLL knows just how to emotionally manipulate me into liking Ezra. Somehow ABC Family must know that Butches And Babies is my homepage.

Is there any way I could help? Do you need any lube?

Emily walks in the room and Ezra tries to talk to her about her feelings, but he’s not nearly as good of a lesbian as Caleb. He at least has the good sense to be like, “Um hi, is anyone bullying you again a la A because that shit has happened before.” Emily denies everything. Of course.

Does this school have a lot of lesbians?

Speaking of the most concerned lesbian on the block, Caleb stalks Rosewood High’s halls alongside Spencer freaking out about Hanna’s current whereabouts. She’s not returning his calls and since Caleb is a major UHauling lesbotron whose whole life is consumed by Hanna this is all he cares about.

So I’m just going to go over there and try to see through her windows.

Spencer also tells Caleb that the Liars are so totally hanging in there. I know what you’re thinking, this conversation sounds boring and pointless. It was. Let’s move on.

We’re just a bunch of men who place particular importance upon physical appearance, refined language, and leisurely hobbies, pursued with the appearance of nonchalance in a cult of Self.

Back in Ezra’a classroom of literature and love, Ezra and Emily go over Emily’s college options. When did Ezra become qualified as a college counselor? Last time I checked he was subbing.

You’re gonna want to go to Smith right?

Emily thinks she has no chance of getting into any colleges because she’s a lesbian and therefore much more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression and a general sense that everyone in the world is better than her. Don’t worry Emily, you’ll get to college and a hot girl will fuck the anxiety right out of you. Or not, and instead you might just aggravate each other’s anxiety until you explode. Honestly it’s tough to say.

Mount Holyoke or Bryn Mawr? Decisions, decisions.

Ezra encourages Emily to contact her old supervisor, Zoe, from when she was building houses in Haiti. Do you even remember when that was? It was when we were mourning the loss of Maya. Well maybe you were, I was kind of take it or leave it with old Crazy Eyes St. Germaine.

Regardless we’re gonna contact Zoe… I hope she’s a dyke.

She just had the most beautiful lemon scented hair…

Starsweep across town to the Marin household where Hanna is receiving a collect call from an inmate in a federal corrections facility. Sadly it’s not from Alex Vause, it’s from Ashley! Words are exchanged, plans to say goodbye are made. They cry.

And then the pizza arrived and it was cold!

I can’t even handle this plot line.

Hanna hangs up the phone and thanks someone for coming over. Who has she enlisted for help? None other than the twisted, beautiful, bossy Mona. She’s got a weird dominatrix personality on today. I love it.

We don’t have much time to play tonight, Hanna, take off your pants.

Why would Hanna enlist Mona’s help? Well…. Hanna’s gonna confess to killing Wilden. This is not going to go well.

Today we’re going to practice flogging. Please bend over.

Hanna explains that she thinks any consequences will be lessened for her than for her mother. She basically thinks that since Mona is the master liar (and for that matter the master baiter) she’ll be able to help Hanna lie perfectly. Mona responds by being cryptic and vague and somewhat like a Bond villain.

But I thikn you should come out of the closet anyways

Mona and Hanna practice in the kitchen face to face. It’s as sexy as it sounds though I can’t explain why. Maybe I love love Ashley Benson’s voice/face. Hanna plans to tell the DA’s office that she killed Wilden because he was threatening her for telling people that he knocked up Alison. I love it, it’s a truth/lie/truth sandwich.

That’s right. Just like that my pet. beg for it.

Meanwhile, at Spencer’s some Lawyer Kid interning for Mistress Lawyer Hastings is hanging out with tons and tons of boxes. Looks like the DA’s office sent all of Wilden’s files to the Hasting’s home address instead of Mistress Lawyer Hastings’s office.

Yes ma’am the shipment of sex toys from Babeland to be reviewed has arrived.

This might sounds like bad news, but of course Spencer is thrilled. Now Spencer gets to help sort through classified material. Plus Spencer does love a new inappropriate prospective male partner.

Oh that’s a feeldoe!

In a crazy coincidental turn of events, the first folder Spencer opens is Wilden’s write-up of TobAy’s mother’s death. It looks like a clear cut suicide from his notes.

And in conclusion everyone hates Toby so no one cares.

Starsweep across town to the Only Road In Rosewood where Aria meets up with Sensei Hot Stuff. Have we addressed yet Sensei’s ability to kind of look like a giant chimp sometimes?

No more bananas.

Aria asks him if Mike has said anything or acted oddly during class. Sensei is hesitant to respond, what with Sensei-student confidentiality on the line, but sees how important this is to Aria and her shiny shiny hair. Sensei admits that Mike basically said people are out to get him. He also seems clearly weirded out by Aria’s family, a point of realism I appreciate.

Real talk from a big monkey.

Starsweep and time jump across town to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane where Spencer swings by with some cookies. She greets Orderly Lamb and offers him cookies that are actually just the forms on TobAy’s mom! Who says only Mona gets to be weird and cryptic?

Lamb cops a feel?

Spencer points out that while Lamb’s report states that TobAy’s mom jumped off the roof, the official report elsewhere says she jumped from a window. Impressive Spencer, but this is morbid. I hate this.

Well Do you know the muffin man? Be honest. I’ll know if you’re lying.

Is it just me or is this episode boring?

Back over to Hanna’s, she and Mona are still getting their lying/BDSM practice on. This time they agree to have Hanna pretend that Ashley’s shoes were hers. They also agree to have Hanna’s safeword be “rutabaga.”

Now pick a number between one and 100.

Two Hanna? Really? You only want two spanks?

Over at the Life Cafe, Emily waits outside to meet up with her boss. Zoe finally shows up and is a knock out. Actually she’s Rumer Willis who you might know as “Girl running between Jimmy and Oz” from The Whole Nine Yards or That Lesbian Gia from 90210 or I don’t know, as the daughter of Demi Moore. Again, lesbian fingers crossed.

aka Lesbian Town, USA.

Like all camp romances, Emily let hers fade once she was home. Everyone knows it’s hard to keep up with camp pen pals after a few months.

You should see what’s going on below the waist.

Despite the fact that Emily claimed all she did in Haiti was drink and cry, Zoe goes on about how Emily was the MVP of Habitat for Humanity. I mean, duh. She’s a big old lezzy. It’s not like that was her first time wearing a utility belt.

Drill-do.

Zoe exclaims she’d like to have an Emily on every trip and I decide I’d like an Emily on my lap. We don’t always get what we want but it sounds like Zoe might get Emily for an upcoming summer trip.

In my mouth 1000 times?

Knows how to nail and screw.

We also are gifted these amazing photos of lesbian greatness.

Lesbian Glamor Shots

True Life: I went to A-Camp

Just then, Pam smells lesbian pitter-patter afoot and walks up to Zoe and Emily’s table. She has something for Emily to drop off at the police station but does enough stress talking to make it clear that their house is in shambles. How convenient, discussing a broken house with someone who builds houses!

Sorry to interrupt, I just had to tell Emily I hit a HUGE sale at the GAP.

Elsewhere, Caleb meets with Ashley. Funny that she has seemingly unlimited visitation time. Turns out that Ashley invited Caleb to come in and talk with her. She’s worried about Hanna and hopes Caleb can help.

Like her big tits

Ashley tells Caleb to make sure Hanna doesn’t do anything stupid. This is fun for us at home because we know that Hanna is already doing something stupid! In fact, back at her house, Hanna and Mona get even deeper into their BDSM lying game.

Do you want to touch me?

Please may I?

Mona wants Hanna to explain to her what it felt like to kill Wilden. It’s creepy. Of course, before much of anything can get said Caleb peers though the window and spots Hanna. You can imagine how he reacts.

Normal lesbian behavior.

I mean, he sees his girlfriend with another girl who openly has a crush on her. Lesbian brain explosion.

And why don’t you have pants on?

Hanna claims Mona is just there to be her BFF.

On her cunt.

Hanna tells Caleb to GTFO. He’s not impressed and goes on to cry about it and then tell his therapist all about how Hanna isn’t letting him in emotionally.

Back at the Hastings household, Spencer comes home to find her mother and Lawyer Kid poring over the DA’s files. Spencer thinks she’s being all cute and coy with TobAy’s mom’s file, but actually Lawyer kid totally knows Spencer stole it. Nothing gets past Lawyer Kid McGee. Is there a lawyer version of  Doogie Howser, M.D? Just curious for future joke making.

How did you know I wasn’t wearing underwear?

Starsweep to Aria’s where she sits alone in the living room, probably watching film noir and eating popcorn. Typical Aria. The’s an awful ruckus outside. Aria goes to the window but doesn’t see much of anything.

Say Please is not the manners book I thought it would be…

In a panic she calls Mike’s cell phone. Perhaps there’s a home invader! Or worse, a Republican! One of Mike’s bros picks up the phone and  is clearly smashed. He tells Aria that Mike is wipeout wasted across the room and just threw up a swimming pool of vomit. Aria is concerned.

Is that a dick pic?!

Back over at Hanna’s she and Mona do some more BDSM mind melding. After a titillating spanking scene, Mona decides that Hanna is finally ready for her Biggest Lie Ever.

Two fingers. Not three. Not one.

Later, after Mona leaves, Hanna heads downstairs to leave and  tell her big fat lie the police. No surprise, Caleb is waiting for her. Caleb is obsessed with Hanna’s face full time.

There’s a dildo behind this door…

Before Hanna can leave, Caleb stops her. Caleb wants to know all about how Mona “talked Hanna into this.” Of course, like all bad plans, this one was all Hanna’s. Caleb says he won’t let her do it. Hanna dances around the idea that perhaps Ashley really did kill Wilden, but ultimately Caleb decides he thinks she didn’t. And isn’t that what matters? The man’s opinion? Then, instead of going to the police station, they change into matching flannel shirts and rock out on their acoustic guitars for a few hours.

Can I ask you about your feelings about cats?

Across the street Aria calls in reinforcements. She’s scared for her brother and she needs help. Does she call her father? How about her emotionally entangled ex-boyfriend. Her codependent core group of friends? None of the above! She calls Sensei Hot Stuff!

Don’t worry I don’t know what I’m doing here either!

Sensei and Aria are all set to hop in the car and make out I mean drive to find Mike. Fortunately just then Mike calls and says he’s fine and is sleeping at his friend’s house. It was just a whole big ill-timed prank by Mike’s friends.

I’m just getting my sticks and balls on!

Sensei, seeing that Aria is distressed, offers to stay the night. Heyoo.

Do you know where my banana is?

Emily heads back to the motel where Pam is milling about trying to hold it together. She tells Emily she’s officially lost her job at the police station. She also bought groceries which is like a really big deal in their family or something.

But only if it was at Babeland

Really? More buttplugs?

Emily tells her mother about the opportunity Zoe offered her to work for Habitat in Nicaragua for the summer.Upon hearing this Pam loses her fucking shit and collapses crying. I’m not good with The Feelings but it seems to me this is one of those “Everything is falling apart and you’re leaving me” situations. It sucks that Emily and Pam are doing that thing where Emily has to act like the parents and Pam like that child. That always really fucks kids up.

I waited too long and now the A-Camp spots are all full!
(Not really, sign up today!)

Over at the Rosewood police station Mona shows up. What on earth could she be doing there!? She says she has information about Wilden. Is she going to throw Hanna to the dogs after Man Caleb has already decided that Hanna won’t be doing that?

Who stole my pink lipstick? I’ve been wearing red all day!

At Aria’s, Sensei Hot Stuff and Aria sit around watching TV. They chat about their ruined night and also about all their hopes and dreams for the future. They also drops some light product placement for Insidious: Chapter 2. Ew. It’s really obvious and annoying. ABC Family: Get it together.

I’m gonna stick my finger in your asshole just like this.

At the Hasting’s residence, Spencer isn’t sleeping. She’s kind of a vampire that one. She stomps downstairs and confronts Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Spencer shows the file to her mother. She is unimpressed. Just then, Mistress Lawyer Hastings gets a phone call informing her that Mona has just confessed to Wilden’s murder.

So…. Constipated….

Uggghhhh I hate when the biggest moment of an episode takes place off screen! Why do you do that to me?! I don’t care about Aria wanting to see a shitty horror movie sequel. I do care about Mona confessing to murdering Wilden!

If this is the reaction shot to the biggest reveal of the episode then your show has a problem.

The Liars all receive texts in turn informing them of Mona’s confession and they all, in turn, show up at the police station. Yeah, that’s not suspicious or anything. All of them there at once.

In which Caleb tries to squeeze himself into the line up but ultimately fails.

Mona and Hanna exchange gay smiles.

I get to paddle you 10 times for this.

Why do I think Mona protected Hanna and confessed to Wilden’s murder? Um isn’t it obvious.

The Mona Vanderwaal Story

In the final A scene, A drills holes in someone’s floor. I wish that were a euphemism.

Everyone loves getting drilled from underneath.

Well that about does it for this week. Tune in next week when I promise actual lesbian content will take place. No guys, seriously. I promise. Paige throws Emily a surprise party.

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