Javiera Mena’s “Espada” is the Gayest Video of All Time

Javiera Mena is an electronic pop musician from Chile and she wants the “sword.” She wants the “sword” so bad that she made this very gay video to accompany her very gay song about said “sword.” The person whose “sword” she wants…they carry it around in a backpack. That’s right, when she first saw this person, presumably in some casual setting, they had their “sword” in their backpack. Who is this person rolling around with their “sword” in their backpack and with their backpack just hanging open because how did she know they had their “sword” in there?!

Now watching this fever dream of a 1980s closeted lesbian, I had a lot of feelings. Some very yes. Some very no. Some very gay. I’ve broken several of these moments down for you but first, go ahead and watch this video straight through.

triangle

Triangles are our chosen shape. Do they make practical sunglasses? No. I guess that means it’s VERY GAY.

spring

A woman bouncing on a spring? Very yes. But since I’ve interpreted this spring to be a bed spring, VERY GAY.

telescope

Using a telescope to look at a woman making sexy silhouettes? Seems very gay (and creepy). But I interpreted this as a Frasier reference so going with VERY YES.

schoolboi

A schoolboi lesbian with lipstick lesbians around her that have ceased being humans and are now just lipstick. VERY GAY.

sunbathing

Staring at a woman sunbathing. Stop that. VERY NO.

car

Not using the door but jumping over the side of the convertible like a bad ass. VERY GAY.

fingersword

A girl throwing a sword that you let through your vagina/scissor fingers. This is so gay that it’s jumped the shark of being gay. It’s jumped the gay shark. VERY NO. Protect your fingers, don’t let women throw tiny swords at you.

shirt

A girl smiles while unbuttoning her shirt. VERY NO. Hey, girl. Focus up and get that shirt off. I don’t have time for you to be coy because—

skirthand

—there’s a hand emerging from under your skirt! I thought we’d have sex but no! We’re just gonna hold hands! VERY NO. You have someone living inside of your vagina who doesn’t even want to get out that bad, they just want someone to hold their hand and tell them it’s gonna be ok? No thanks.

glitter

Showing us your preferred two fingers and having them spark glitter. I mean it’s a weird way to let your wishes be known and also an unpopular preference but still VERY GAY.

beetlejuice

Watching a girl strut across a reject Beetlejuice set. VERY NO. Are you dead, girl?

hair

Not being afraid of body hair. VERY YES. I can’t call it gay in good faith because I’m terrified of body hair and I know that’s my own personal struggle and in general that’s a very nice trait to have so congrats on your open-mindedness.

heaven

Staring at a body mold/half-mannequin from heaven. VERY NO. If you’re gonna be a perv in the sky, at least make it worth it.

vaginasword

A sword coming out of your vagina. VERY NO. Wrong. This is bad. Do not put an actual sword in your vagina.

headinbox

Having your head in a box. VERY YES. Recommended experience for all humans.

button

Knowing where the button is. VERY GAY. Is this a low blow at straight men? YES IT IS SUE ME.

closetalk

Talking intensely real close to someone’s face. VERY NO. Separately? Fine. Together? Nah, bruh.

tinywoman

Telling a tiny woman, “no.” Don’t be afraid to exercise your right to say no even if they managed to coordinate their dress with a clock.

cherries

Having a cherry on your rearview mirror. VERY NO. She’s using the rearview mirror to look behind her because she wishes she could go back and get her own “cherry.” AM I REACHING?!

wegetit

Okay! A sword is phallic. VERY WE GET IT.

urgetomerge

The urge to merge. VERY NO. I think most lesbian relationship stereotypes can be applied to most relationships if you’re wondering why this isn’t very gay.

vaginaroad

Vagina road. Is this a secret course in Mario Kart? VERY YES.

couch

Staying at home at night to hang with your cat. VERY GAY.

cat

Stroking your cat as you think about pussy. VERY NO. The cat can feel that energy.


 

Thanks for the tip, Andrea!

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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 296 articles for us.

34 Comments

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    The day this video was released, I realized that Chilean lesbians are the leading (only) cause of me googling Sailor Moon.

    Anyway, I deem this breakdown very gay and very yes, even if I disagree with some judgments. For example, I think the “urge to merge” scene is very yes. It makes me hope that Mena roams the Andes on her next video, in a full-on lesbian Bound 2 experience. Also, while I agree that staring at women for an inordinate amount of time is mainly very no, it’s also endearingly very in character (http://youtu.be/zVDqA4k4Y3Q), therefore I approve. Creep on, Mena, TQM.

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    “Showing us your preferred two fingers and having them spark glitter. I mean it’s a weird way to let your wishes be known and also an unpopular preference but still VERY GAY.”

    Said preferred two fingers having well-groomed and short nails = very yes.

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    I first watched this video mumbling “no, oh man, what is this” to myself and had to pause this video three times because I just couldn’t take it seriously anymore. But now I’ve watched it way too many times and I can’t wait to show it to everyone ever.

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      here’s a translation of the chorus.

      when i saw you appear with the sword in your backpack, it was the first time this year that i felt this heat (turned on)
      but now it’s not worth it, to use up my candle (waste my time).
      now i don’t want to spend my time competing.
      in this universe, i want your sword to only pierce me. the center/core of me.

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    Here’s an English translation of the song. It was made quickly, but I hope it’s enough to understand the lyrics :)

    “Sword”, by Javiera Mena.

    When I saw you showing up
    I still didn’t know that I would be investigating your life until now.

    When I saw you showing up with the sword in your backpack
    It was the first warm time in the year.

    But now it’s worthless to spend nights awake.
    I don’t want to spend time competing anymore.
    In this universe, this mountain range
    I want your sword to pierce only through me.
    Through the center of me.

    When I saw you showing up
    I still didn’t know that you were starting to answer to another voice.

    I made up my mind, I’m going to withdraw from this battle.
    I sheathe my sword, I endure the dagger.
    I take a deep breath and I surrender to the law of existance.

    But now it’s worthless to spend nights awake.
    I don’t want to spend time competing anymore.
    In this universe, in this mountain range
    I want your sword to pierce only through me.
    Through the center of me.
    It ends like this.

    Tell me, why are you here?
    After you said no.
    You clearly know that you can’t.
    That you can’t do that.
    No, no, no, no, no.
    But I want your sword to pierce only through me.
    Through the center of me.
    Only through me.
    Through the center of me.
    It ends like this.

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