Welcome to the first episode of the fourth season of Lost Girl, that show about boobs, the supernatural and supernatural boobs. Bo’s been trying to find her place in Fae world this entire series and last season finally saw her level up to Real Legit Fae as she completed her Dawning!

But puberty and rites of passage are messy, emotional affairs —  especially when you’re a giant queermo —  so our succubus left a therapist’s waiting room’s worth of fucked up ladies in her wake. Ever-loyal Lauren called off their torrid love affair after being stood up one too many times and never getting to top. Tamsin drove herself and Dyson off a cliff, which we’re supposed to believe was a selfless way to protect Bo from her father, but you can’t ignore all of that underlying sexual tension. Meanwhile,  Kenzi’s still sticking to her story of “just roomies!” So is it really any wonder that Bo got sucked up in a vortex of black smoke and daddy issues?

No Lost Girl opener would be complete without someone skulking around in the dark and this time Kenzi drew that straw. She casually drops out from a truck’s undercarriage and crouches behind some unspecific, yet strategically placed boxes. Following Bo’s disappearance in the last ep, I’m crossing my fingers that the smugglers aren’t shipping Bo parts.

I always get lost at costco

Before Kenzi can open the box, the Shady Warehouse Welcome Wagon arrives.

It’s okay, I had the same reaction the first time I watched the video for “Bound 2”

Instead of normal pleasantries like handshakes or that French double-kiss thing, Mr. Breath of a Yeti’s Anus grabs Kenzi and offers her a position as his pet and/or wallpaper. How charming! The Hardy boys show up just in time to prevent Hal Itosis from going Ed Gein on her ass. They escort Kenzi out, but not before she throws some Pop Rocks and glitter to prove she’s fae and committed to Sparkle Motion.

Just imagine what these hands can do inside a vagina

As they leave, Hale confides in Dyson how much he loves Kenz, so obviously Wolfie should be the one to volunteer to take Tinkerbell home. He sniffs around – including a not-at-all sinister box – ’cause he’s a wolf and that’s what wolves do, they sniff things.

Smells like fresh box

Back in Kenzi’s dimly lit erratically-organized homestead, Kenzi and Dyson get to the more pressing matters at hand, like laundry and innuendo.

Fuck I love smoking invisible cigarettes

DYSON: Just you, me and the uh, thongs, huh? A whole lot of thongs by the way.
KENZI: Well I’ll have you know these are all business thongs.
DYSON: I don’t even wanna know what that means.

Really? Because I do! Are they a matched set with a briefcase and a laptop charger? Are they like an “on the road” business thong with a holster for your gun? Or are they more like business casual kind of thongs and just made out of chinos or some other fabric that will neither wrinkle or stain?

Tee hee. Smells like panties.

Apparently that was all the foreplay these faes with benefits need, so they start sucking face. Complete with, ugh, slurps.

Ew. It’s like watching siblings kiss

Instead of Kenzi putting a stop to this plot line travesty, Wolfie’s the one to pull away first. You see, Dyson conveniently forgot about Hale’s crush until he was licking Kenzi’s tonsils, even though his supposed bestie CONFESSED HALF A SCENE AGO. Rather than continue their descent into uncomfortable rom-com territory – complete with two and a half love triangles – there’s a knock at the door. Oh good, the Plot Device Delivery Person’s here!

Who’s at the door?

While I’m normally greeted at my door by a Jehovah’s Witness or an elderly neighbour advocating for the feral cats in my back alley, Kenzi lucks out with a veiled brunette. She’s seeking our sleuth’s services and introduces herself as Aife even though Kenzi already knows who this bitch is.

I’ll help you spread your “beliefs”

Um, or not? Kenzi recognizes Aife as the Fae that assassinated the former Ash, but glosses over the whole BFF’s Mother/Attempted Murderer/WHOOOOO LET’S DO EIGHT ROUNDS OF SHOTS AND GO DANCING ALL NIGHT UNTIL THE CLUB KICKS US OUT SO WE’RE FORCED TO GET GREASY SLICES AT THE SKETCHY PIZZA PLACE AROUND THE CORNER BEFORE WE PASS OUT SPOONING thing.

Aife caresses Kenzi’s private square and before she can retort, “STOP, don’t touch me there!” she melts into a puddle ready to do Aife’s bidding.  She lays out her problem: she has a daughter Bo and said daughter is missing. Kenzi somehow misses the name drop, which is more confusing and heartbreaking than the makeout sesh.

If you didn’t bring my thin mints, stop wasting my fucking time.

The trio moves the conversation to a diner, since Kenzi isn’t actually feeling the case and all good private investigations start with a stale cup of coffee. Could it be because no one has heard of her daughter? Or because no one has seen this Bo before? Or is it because Aife won’t fucking stop segueing to her sex life between sips of coffee?

No ma’am. I just wanted sugar, not the deets on your vajazzercise routine.

Aife offers up photographic proof, which thankfully doesn’t involve any gynaecological diagrams.

what do you think? I like the square lenses but I’m also considering going for an aviator style.

DYSON: This woman is beautiful.
KENZI: Yeah, if you’re into like faces and bodies, whatever.

Although Dyson’s totally smitten for this piece of paper, Kenzi declines. MILFae isn’t familiar with No Means No and YES! Means Yes because SURPRISE, she has a trump card! She melodramatically lowers her eyelid revealing…

I have a moist secret for you

…a stye?! If this is the big fucking mystery the case’ll be wrapped up in a few days with a warm compress and a new tube of mascara. But Dyson explains that the dot’s actually a “Requardo coil” which means someone’s fucking with Aife’s memory and not her cosmetics.

Seriously I swear there’s an eyelash in there, you don’t see it? My eyes’s been itching all day.

When Aife offers cold hard cash, Kenzi finally submits. Just as everyone’s getting cozy, Dyson’s alarm goes off signalling Time to Look for Tamsin O’Clock! He keeps futilely searching, even though she hasn’t bothered calling him since last month’s attempted murder-suicide. Dude, she drove you off a cliff! Get the message! She just isn’t that into you!

If driving someone off a cliff isn’t friendzoning, I don’t know what is.

Aife then settles up her bill with a flick of her finger ’cause it’s Fleet Week. That means she’s gonna go eat a bunch of sailors, I think.

Thanks for covering, I blew my rent at MAC and Hot topic.

Kenzi then hits up Trick, who’s chilling at the Dal playing with his miniatures. Trick says something’s off in Fae Land and he blames the Una Mens, the new council of creeps to which Anus Yeti belongs, who he claims are trying to “reset order” by kidnapping, trafficking, torturing and inspiring alcohol-induced crack benders.

Remember those days where we were content to play with Legos?

Trick offers up a suspect for Inspector Kenzi: Dr. Snook, a fish Fae optometrist with a 4.5 star Yelp review for memory wipes. Kenzi thanks him for the tip but accidentally calls him “Gramps,” which foreshadows a scene you can totally guess is coming WILL NEVER GUESS BECAUSE THE WRITING IS SO GOOD THAT THE REST OF YOUR SEAT MISSES YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS AT THE EDGE!

If you’re willing to drive a bit further I have a Groupon deal

Before she gets her prescription for danger and medicated eyedrops filled, Kenzi’s finally asking a question we’re all dying to hear the answer to: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LESBIAN DOCTOR? Turns out she’s on the lam after losing the love of her life Nadia and fucking with the Ash, which means she’s probs hidden somewhere in the friendly Canadian wilderness making lanyards at Eh-Camp. The focus on Nadia and complete omission of doccubus further suggests that Aife’s not the only one missing a giant chunk of her memory.

No one would forget this

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