How to Marry A Musician in Ten Easy Steps

Step One: Locate Your Musician

Generally speaking, musicians can be found at local music venues holding a musical instrument, at music shops buying a musical instrument, or at a bar with other musicians talking about musical instruments. On rare occasions, they are also found reading comic books, sitting in fancy chairs, or casually tossing back their hair. This is how they express their non-musical creativity.

A musician just "hanging out"

A musician just “hanging out”

Step Two: Court Your Musician

Now that you’ve located Your Musician, it’s time to start an engaging conversation. Let them know that you, too, share similar interests. Ask them what music you “should be listening to,” and let them explain the differences in sound quality between digital and vinyl. When all else fails, ask them what they think of Spotify.

Step Three: Move In With Your Musician

If you’ve been talking to them about vinyl as I suggested, you’ve definitely gone on at least four dates by now. Sparks are likely flying. It’s time to move in! Space will need to be made for guitars, ukuleles, dulcimers, flutes, small drums, shakers, pedal boards, microphones, more guitars, glockenspiels, and forty-seven pounds of plastic guitar picks.

Who needs this black pleather couch, anyway?

Who needs this black pleather couch, anyway?

Step Four: Say “Yes” When Your Musician Proposes to You

You’ve had to move all of your belongings to one small dresser so that Your Musician can have enough room for the above listed items, you’ve gone to all of their shows within a thirty to three thousand mile radius, and you’ve inspired new (brilliant) songs just by your (muse-like) EXISTENCE. It is about time that Your Musician asks you to spend eternity with them! Your Musician may, at first, hem and haw about this level of commitment—they are, after all, used to a life of strong independence (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce). Assure Your Musician that lifelong commitment will not tarnish their “I do what I want” rock star image (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce).

Step Five: Explain the difference between “Wedding Venue” and “Music Venue”

Now that you’ve said “yes,” it is time to pick a wedding venue. Explain to Your Musician that while a music venue is where music is often played, a wedding venue is a place where—

Step Six: Forget It, Just Have Your Wedding at a Music Venue

Having your wedding at a music venue will inspire greatness from Your Musician. The surroundings are familiar. Graffiti on the bathroom walls will help them breathe easier. They will have music stands to shuffle around when they feel tense. Trust me, have your wedding at a music venue.

Shhh, She doesn’t even know she’s getting married!

Shhh, She doesn’t even know she’s getting married!

Step Seven: Have a Casual Dress Code

Your Musician will probably have a lot of Musician Friends. Musician Friends don’t like to be told what to do. How could they?! They’ve been busy setting fashion standards with ripped t-shirts and meat dresses for years. By keeping the dress code casual, you’ll allow for an incredible parade of beards, tattoos, suspenders, and fedoras to surround you on your special day.

Step Eight: Let Your Musician Guide the Photos

Your Musician is used to having their photo taken. They are, after all, a rock star. Allow them to help you understand the true potential of wedding photos. They come from a long line of predecessors who will inspire them to greatness.

The "Johnny Cash"

The “Johnny Cash”

The "Paul McCartney"

The “Paul McCartney”

The "Patti Smith"

The “Patti Smith”

Step Nine: Open Bar

This has nothing to do with Your Musician. This also needs no further explanation.

7 Open Bar

Step Ten: After It’s All Over, Write A Satirical Article

So, here you are, at the finish line. You fit dozens of guitars in your home, you learned new things such as how speaker placement affects sound quality and why the landscape of the music industry is rapidly changing, you made sure that “Since You’ve Been Gone” was included on the artfully-crafted wedding dance playlist, and you got tastefully liquored up in your wedding dress.

You also totally tricked a musician into marrying you. Good work.

Now, reach out to your favorite, world-renowned, totally badass website and ask if you can help future generations of tiny queers by writing a step-by-step guide to hook-line-and-sink-her. Tada!

8 KristinJenny

Post-Script: Planning to have babies? Bonus points if Your Musician is already prepared with maternity & baby wear!

joy merch

 

Avatar of Kristin

Kristin holds a Master’s Degree in Gender Studies and a Bachelor’s Degree in Theater, but gained most of her preparation for Everyone Is Gay while lip-syncing to Wilson Phillips and TLC in the late-nineties. After moving to NYC in 2000 and running her own theater company for three years, she began volunteering at The Hetrick-Martin Institute (a service provider for LGBTQ youth and the home of the Harvey Milk High School). Inspired by the students and faculty at Hetrick-Martin, she focused her graduate studies on LGBTQ youth and curriculum, and soon thereafter founded Everyone Is Gay. She has a cat named Trey, a penchant for crossword puzzles, and a deep-seated appreciation for Italian Ice.

Kristin has written 1 articles for us.

55 Comments

  1. Thumb up 22

    Please log in to vote

    If your musician is a classical musician a lot of this applies but there are differences/additional considerations:

    Step One: Your musician is probably camping out in the practice room and will be difficult to find.

    Step Two: Your musician probably won’t expect you to know a lot about classical music, but if you say “classical music is so relaxing!” this romance may well be over. Go listen to some Shostakovich and you will understand.

    Step Five: Your musician has played at many, many weddings in extremely fancy venues. She knows all the ones in your town like the back of her hand and is very blase about the whole situation, so

    Step Six: Don’t have your wedding at a wedding venue. In fact, probably don’t have a big fancy wedding. Your musician knows the standard wedding routine in her sleep, so make it personal and intimate and informal.

    Step Seven: Don’t let anyone wear black. Your musician and her musician friends wear “concert black” all the time and own a lot of fancy black clothes. If you don’t watch out your wedding could start looking like a funeral. Alternatively, come up with some kind of theme that requires everyone to wear black so that the musicians can come to your wedding without breaking the bank.

    Step Eight: Guide your musician through the photos. She will feel awkward and self-conscious posing without her instrument and won’t know what to do with her hands.

  2. Thumb up 5

    Please log in to vote

    Very sweet…I can relate ro it since I am a musician but not of the “cool” kind more the “nerdy” kind: juliard trained composer, musician. My significant other likes to tell our friends that she slept with her piano teacher as she slaps me in the rear.

  3. Thumb up 2

    Please log in to vote

    “they are, after all, used to a life of strong independence (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce). Assure Your Musician that lifelong commitment will not tarnish their “I do what I want” rock star image (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce).”

    And those adorable baby tees!!!

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.