Advice for Homogays, From Homogays (Formspring Fall Cleaning)

Q:

okaay so i have been trying to get with my ex girlfriend but like she has a new boyfriend that she doesnt even like she still says she loves me but she wont come back to me and she keeps teasing me…what should i do?

A:

Riese: say “i have to go now,” and then turn around and walk out the door (if this happens indoors and it’s not your apartment, in which case you’ll have to come back later, but she’ll have time to dip out or not) and run away. when she’s ready, if she’s ever ready, she’ll call you. she might. i mean that, she really might, and she also might not.

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Q:

any tips on how i can approach this beautiful girl in my class who i think is straight she sits right across from me and shes always looking over at me and she smiles i think shes just being friendly what do you think

A:

Laneia: She is probably just being friendly, but there’s really only one way to be sure.

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Q:

i was in an all-girl poly triad (abc), a turned out to be a toxic manipulative asshole, she still goes out with b, I still go out with b, am stuck living with them both for a year &can’t afford to leave. i love b, i hurt all the time, say some words to me

A:

Riese: meridian starfall kettle-corn pineapple upside-down cake love eat feed home box punch underpants scotch tape dakota fanning

focus on how you can eventually afford to leave, move your energy into that space

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Q:

so I’m really nervous about maybe/eventually losing my virginity because I’m kindof scared I’d mess it up and it would be awkward…what do I do?

A:

Riese: omg, we just wrote about this on jezebel. but you can’t mess it up. there’s no way to mess it up! It will definitely be awkward, don’t get confused. If you laugh at yourself and trust your gut then you’ll be okay.

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Q:

How do you get over someone that you accidentally fell in love with and know you can never have, even though you don’t want to?

A:

Laneia: Yay this is fun! You have to let them stomp all over your heart. I mean really let ’em go at it. You have to let it feel like they’ve broken up with you, even though you were never together. THIS SUCKS, RIGHT? I know. It’s also really humiliating! Wheee!
It will get better.
Don’t talk to them for at least a month, maybe two, possibly longer. Don’t entertain thoughts. You know the thoughts I’m talking about. Don’t think those.
It will get better.

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Q:

How do I ask the girl I like out?

A:

Riese: I think you should track her down and then when you see her say, “hey do you want to go out some time? with me? i’ll bring vegan cupcakes.” wear something cute.

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Q:

how did u ask the first girl you asked out out?

A:

Laneia:
ummmm, like, on a date?
it was via email, which i sent at 3 a.m.
i mentioned coffee, drinks, puppies and kites.
WORKED LIKE A CHARM, OBVS.

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Q:

If I have a place to live, a steady income, a car that runs, and a girlfriend that loves me, shouldn’t I be happy? Of course. So why can’t I stop thinking about someone else?

A:

Riese: I have a poem for you. It’s by Stephen Dunn and it’s called “Paradise.”

How attractive trouble feels
in paradise. The place next door
where pain is an option
begins to whisper.
You want the leopard to replace
the swan, the great horned owl
to nudge a songbird out of a tree.
The case for suffering is always
overrated by those whose health
is good, whose houses are calm.
But today you understand
why some people pierce
more than their ears,
why the leisure class has a history
of eating itself from the inside
And, now, a wish to stir
the stilled air with a serrated knife
dip into the blackberry jam,
then lick that knife publicly clean,
hoping someone will notice and care.
From the beginning, hasn’t it
been the same: the need to woo
a stranger so you’ll not be mutinous
alone, to lie down knowingly
among the nettles and the thorns?

-Stephen Dunn, Paradise

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Q:

I miss home, and I need a hug. I don’t know how to make friends in a new city, and I don’t think strangers are going to give me a hug. I also don’t know how to be an adult. Any suggestions?

A:

Laneia: i also have no idea how to be an adult. or how to make friends. human faces are intimidating and i’m always worried that my under-eye concealer has rubbed away or that i’ve forgotten to pluck my eyebrows for weeks or maybe i should brush my teeth. this all sounds superficial, but i worry about what these malfunctions of common grooming will say about me.

strangers are probably more likely to hug you than you’d think. i would hug you right now and i’ve never seen your face.

also one time riese wrote this, which always made me feel better when i couldn’t:
I Think I Saw Your Airplane Leaving Planet Harlem Tonight

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Q:

Would you be bothered emotionally if someone you were interested in being in a relationship with had had a lot of sexual partners before you? Do you think that is a common concern? I don’t actually know what “a lot” is..

A:

Riese: never, and i never have, even back when i was more likely to be the one with less.

i don’t think sexual ‘partners’ are so easily quantified.
please run away from the idea
that sex is something quantifiable
or that “partners” is a place to begin to quantify
when it comes to ‘sex.’
it’s a scale that makes 5 yrs of making love to the same person equal, in importance, to a drunken fuck with a friend that immediately seemed hilarious/over the next morning
it’s outdated

sex is about many different things for different people at different times.
love, adventure, possession, relief, oblivion, revenge, lust, activity, dependence, appreciation, friendship, caring, hating, or anything. sex is about apple turnovers sometimes. but sex is never about numbers, about a hierarchy of numbers

your love had a life before you
this is always the case.
you need to leave room for that, back there
as you go boldly forward,
and find out what happens next

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Q:

I like a girl who I met online. I’m shy and she’s an entertainer. I’m like the perfect audience and she keeps me laughing and smiling without even trying. She has a crush on me, but she barely texts/calls. I don’t like chasing. Should I swallow my pride?

A:

Riese: I’m going to assume you know her IRL now too… if you want her to call or text you more then you should say so, and see what she says, and then decide what to do. say you are busy or don’t have time to play games. People like that kind of thing.

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Q:

What do you do when some of your favourite music is too painful to listen to because it conjures bad memories? Should I find new music or tie new memories to the old music

A:

Laneia: Reclaiming music is a BITCH.
If you try to do it now, you’ll just end up crying in your living room floor for an entire weekend.
You have to leave it alone for as long as possible — maybe years, but you can try after a few months. I know, this is ridiculous. You’re going to need to be so far away from the events and the time that your memories start to skew a little.
Then you can reintroduce it to your life.
This’ll feel really awkward at first, almost like the music itself feels out of place now. You may find that you don’t like it anymore. But the next time you hear it, you’ll remember this time, when it felt awkward, not the times you wanted to sit on weheartit.com for hours and build the perfect photographic shrine to your broken heart. OH WHAT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER DONE THAT.

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Q:

What do you do to feel better when you’re feeling ugly/fat/unloved/unwanted)

A:

Riese: Riese: I would either drink too much or go to the gym. The latter is better. It gives you energy and happiness with no negative repurcussions. Also, you’re not fat, and should read Kate Harding.

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Q:

My gf is funny and smart and cute and sweet and she is skeptical when I tell her these things, so I want to do something nice for her to show her how special she is. Whyyy can’t I think of something clever and sweet? Gah.

A:

Laneia: I feel like you’re asking me what you should buy your gf for her birthday or something. I can’t answer this question because I don’t know her. You should listen to what she says and do things based on that. Don’t always tell her how pretty she is. Sometimes pretty girls want people to say how smart they are. If she is very very smart, maybe she would like to hear how pretty she is. I don’t know.

What are the 1-5 things about her that almost no one notices? Notice those things. The next time you are away, bring her something that she doesn’t need, like a plastic wind-up penguin or some gum. Cut out magazine articles that made you think of her and tape them to something, like her favorite cereal. She can read the articles while she eats. I would like it if someone did those things for me.

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Q:

Situation: I like cute girl, cute girl likes me. yay but I’m leaving for half a year. how do I make sure cute girl still likes me when I get back?

A:

Riese: write her a 1,260 line poem and put each line on a different piece of paper for her to open every day that you’re gone. send her postcards & draw her pictures & write letters. visit! write her emails like, “i am so much cuter now, you’re gonna die” or “my personality is radiant,” so she doesn’t forget. read books at the same time.

but maybe you won’t like her when you get back, you never know. have fun. be yourself. the rest should fall into place.

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Q:

My ex broke up with me, but she won’t stop sending mixed signals, which isn’t helping me get over her. What should I do?

A:

Laneia: punch her in the throat and then say “THAT’S WHAT MY HEART FEELS LIKE. STOP FUCKING WITH ME.”
have a cuddler on standby.

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Q:

I think i may have fallen in love with a guys brain. I can’t make myself feel anything physically for him though. It’s horrible and like WOAH CONFUSING. I’ve tried just being friends with him, but it doesn’t work, because i want to be WITH WITH him.

A:

Riese: So you want to be with him but you don’t want to fuck him. I think that means you don’t want to be with him, ’cause making out is part of the relationship package and he might feel sad about himself or his body if you never want to touch it, but still want to be with him.

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Q:

Is it possible for someone to be considered as a bisexual although they’re a goldstar lesbian?

A:

Riese: No the only thing that matters in the whole wide world is who you’ve fucked. Fuck fuck fuck. You can’t be anything until you fuck it, and we’re all fucked! ALL OF US ARE FUCKED. Except you. You just like things, but you are also fucked anyway just for being alive.

In conclusion, forget everything I just said. Of course you can be a bisexual even if you’ve not fucked a dude! I identified as bisexual for ages before fucking a girl. Yannow?

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Q:

when you care about someone who is crazy, or at least does crazy things, someone that hurts themselves to get you to love them, and hurts you for not loving them… where do you draw the line, when is it okay to give up and do what’s best for yourself?

A:

Riese:

This has happened to me a lot of times with different people! [See: The Year in Review – Swift-Footed Winged Mess, Live Through This And You Won’t Look Back, What Happened Last September (and so I say to you, this is what I have to do) ]

Eventually, I had to lose everything in order to walk away — eventually, they might have to lose everything too, in order to choose, willingly, health or sanity. They might have to lose you. The more you throw in, the more you need them to come out of it.  You keep thinking you could just go along with things and then maybe fix them.

There comes a point when you realize the craziness is more important than you, and you can’t control or change them. There comes a point when you might become an enabler, or when things will happen to you that you never thought would happen to you. You need room to breathe and a life of your own.

I wrote this, once: “The quickest way to lose your mind is to try to fit a crazy person’s behavior into your reality. It doesn’t fit, so you have to make room. So you fit that information in the only part that has eternal vacancy; imagination. By then, too late, as I said: you’ve already lost it. You’re nothing.”

There comes a point when you’ve gotta cut your losses — usually it’s the sixth or seventh time you’ve thought to yourself “I oughta cut my losses.” It may be hard to see now, but it will be your gain, and her’s too.
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Q:

how do you make the BEST TACO EVER?

A:

Laneia: This is a lot of pressure.

++

Thank you!

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Laneia

Laneia is the Director of Operations at Autostraddle and you're the reason she's here. Get in touch at laneia@autostraddle.com

Laneia has written 915 articles for us.

78 Comments

  1. Okay, so I had to stop reading this for a moment when Riese said that Autostraddle t-shirts will be on sale this week. Is this for real? Because I feel like I’ve been bugging Alex via Twitter for way too long about them. Sorry Alex! :)

    And now, I shall return to absorbing Riese/Laneia advice that I might need some day… or tomorrow. ;)

      • I know! I’ve only been waiting like, forever! And seriously, I’ve tweeted poor Alex more times than I probs should have. I’ve been trying to pimp Autostraddle to all my friends & acquaintances … even mentioned it to some hardcore T&S fans as we tried to elbow our way to the front of the crowd at the St. Augustine Honda Civic Tour when Tegan & Sara were performing.

        Now I can wear the t-shirt and have people come to me!

          • Riese,
            My number one feeling at this moment is sheer happiness. It is followed by a sense of accomplishment, even though I really didn’t *do* anything. But I will buy a shirt, or 4. And tell Alex that I’m sorry for bugging her for so long on Twitter!

          • I know! Totes getting a sticker for my car. There are SO MANY hot baby dykes at FL. State Univ. this year. Gotta spread the word/love ;-)

  2. I feel like there are always so many girls that say “I am pretty and I don’t look gay and I don’t feel like I fit in.” There are so many of you/us/them so you do make up part of the gay community. The only thing you need to fit into the gay community is to be gay! Maybe you live in places where the only people openly identifying as lesbians look a certain way, but being gay has nothing to do with your physical appearance. You can like ballet and ponies as well as girls. It makes me sad when people say they don’t fit in because they “don’t look gay” because I have met a lot of gay people and they all look a little different. Gender and sexuality are two different things. There are looks that are more easily identifiable as being gay, but that is certainly not a prerequisite for liking girls. And I like you in a dress so don’t change.

    • This^

      Julia is smart, listen to the pretty girl ladies – she knows what’s up. Most of my gay friends and I are more feminine looking lesbians but I’ve never really felt ostracized by the gay community. It’s possible that we may be minorities within a minority but you should still just be yourself. Embrace your ponies and nail polish. I will probably ask you out on a date. Nothing is more attractive than confidence and if you’re trying so desperately to fit in and be something you aren’t, I probably wouldn’t be asking you out. Nothing personal.

    • I feel like this comment needs to win an award this week. Because it literally made me tear up. I don’t ‘look’ gay, at all, and well, knowing that it doesn’t matter to everyone kinda really makes me happy.

  3. thank you both so much for this. i feel like a stalker because ive already seen all the un-published ones (because i need lots of unbiased advice…LOTS you guys) and just thank you. plus!!! autostraddle shirts!!! WHAT WHAT!!! YES!!

  4. I think this is great. I love how there was something written critically about an advice columnist and then it was followed by an advice column the way it should be done. Maybe that was unintentional, but I like how it played out.

    To the goldstar “lesbian”, if that’s you: It doesn’t matter who someone’s had sex with. I mean, there are virgins who identify as gay or bisexual and that doesn’t make their identity less valid. I feel the same way about bisexuals who’ve only had sex with women, lesbians who’ve only had sex with men, etc.

  5. HOW TO MAKE THE BEST TACO EVER:

    Get 1 lb. bison meat. Yes, bison as in buffalo. This is crucial.

    Get a 1/2 lb pork sausage OR unsliced bacon. If you get the bacon, cut that shit into 1/2 inch cubes.

    Get a small vidalia onion

    half a bulb of garlic

    a bell pepper

    1-2 spicy chili pepper(s)

    some sesame oil

    some soy sauce

    some full-fat sour cream or be all fancy pants and spring for creme fraiche

    some worcestershire (Ha! I spelled that without cheating!) sauce

    2 limes

    2 scallions

    Get a cast iron skillet hot with the sesame oil while you’re dicing up the onion. Put it in the skillet with the pork sausage or bacon. Let the fat render out while you mince up the garlic,dice the bell pepper, and slice up the chillies (prob want to wear gloves, ESPECIALLY IF USING HABENEROS AND YOU PLAN TO TOUCH A VAGINA OR YOUR OWN EYEBALLS LATER). When the onions are transluscent, add the garlic and bell pepper. Stir that around for a minute or so, then toss in your bison and hot peppers. As it starts to brown, add a little bit of soy sauce and worcestershire sauce (HA! spelled it again!), say like about a tablespoon each. Let brown a little more, add a little more. Taste. If it’s not too salty, feel free to add more, but don’t oversalt. Sodium makes you all bloaty.
    Continue to stir until the meats get a little bit crispy. Slice up the scallions. Warm your tortillas. Cut your limes into wedges.
    Fill tortillas with the meat (not too much, you still got to be able to fold these bitches over). Squeeze lime juice over meats. Add a dollop of sour cream/creme fraiche. Top with scallions.

    Be ready for sexy times later if this was all done to impress a lady. However, I was not fucking around when I told you to wear those goddamn gloves.

  6. these answers are so beautiful and perfect and true. i want to send you both brownies or hug you or something, anything, because i am now going to save this in my bookmarks and refer to it whenever necessary (often).

    this has given me so many feelings, but they are GOOD FEELINGS.

  7. Oh man, I’ve never commented here before, but this:

    “Q:How do you get over someone that you accidentally fell in love with and know you can never have, even though you don’t want to?”

    and Laneia’s subsequent response happened to me, exactly like that. It was very painful, heart stomped, humiliated, etc, silence for months and now we’re not even really friends anymore, but I have to say it solved the problem and it does get so so so much better. It’s just really uncanny. Really though, the whole heart stomping thing is, in retrospect, so much better than torturing yourself and suffering in silence as you watch her hooking up with other people right in front of you.

  8. This is helpful stuff. I really love that you acted on such a brilliant idea and gave so generously. Also, I grow fonder of Laneia every time she instructs someone to punch someone else in the throat.

  9. this whole thing felt really necessary. you are both smart and kind and have a pleasing way with syntax and if I saw you in the street i’d also want to give you a noncreepy hug, potentially a high five or something.

  10. So i need some advice but i refuse to join Formspring so i’ll just have to post my question on here….So i’ve been in love with the same girl since high school, she also happens to be my best friend. When i told her i was gay she said she’s totally ok with it and that our friendship wouldn’t change. Then later she found out i like her and she told me if i was a lesbian she would totally date me and we would make a great couple but that unfortunately she’s just not into vag. (In fact quite the opposite, she has a new boyfriend/man toy every month). Problem is once she found out i liked her she’s had some sort of power over me. I basically perform all the duties of a boyfriend without the benefits. i’m sort of her bitch, i drive her places, i buy her things, i listen to all her problems, i take care of her when she’s drunk, i cook for her…she flirts with me when she’s drunk and she’ even kissed me but my other friends say she just does it to keep me acting like her lap dog. If after 6 years i haven’t been able to get in her pants should i just give up and move on?

    • While I completely and utterly lack worldly experience, I must tell you that this girl is a bitch, she is playing you and you need to get the fuck out of there and find someone who will actually love you back.

      I may be wrong, but I think I’m right.

      • I second the motion *hands up*

        You need to be around someone who actually appreciates all these nice things you do for them, because after a while, it’ll all seem expected and you’ll start to feel worthless.

        … and if she’s not getting with you (which is sounds like she definately is not) then she’ll be one hell of a cock block. (I struggled for a while trying to think of the lesbian alternative and gave up.)

        You sound like someone who is willing to give a lot to get a loving relationship in return and currently, this, you do not have.

        You owe it to yourself to elope with your own feelings to a happier place. Maybe somewhere hot, with free cocktails.

        Dot x

    • Tough situation. If you want to still be friends, you’ll need to get some distance from her for a while. I agree with the advice on the formspring questions above regarding falling in love with something she shouldn’t have. The first thing to do is to get some distance so you can think clearly and fall out of love with her. You have to do that first before you can even think of being a friend. Please realize that you being a friend is different from being her bitch without benefits, yanno? When she asks you to do something that is usually girlfriend duty, tell her to ask her boyfriend.

      And if you only like as a girlfriend, then I say … move on. It’s not fair for people to use others. Your time is worth something and don’t let it go to waste on someone who doesn’t appreciate the efforts and reciprocates.

      Good luck. (Disclaimer: I may not have made sense since I’m reading this at work, on my 4th cup of coffee, and 3 hours of sleep)

  11. Riese made me cry (in a good way), thanks Riese!

    Also I feel like the one about the paper is taken directly from the David Levithan school of romantic gestures. Sometimes I think I would react badly to these guestures but you make me believe.

  12. Nice article guys :)

    I’m chiming in on the ‘reclaiming songs’ one. I’ve learnt over the years that sometimes you can totally get over someone, but you might never get over the song. That sucks obv, because you like the song initially, and then it becomes ‘your song’ with this person, and then it’s 50/50 whether you’ll ever go back to just liking-the-song.

    There’s some songs that when I hear them I am immediately transported in my head to a specific place, in a specific year – I can smell the smells, hear the noise. It’s WEIRD. Like there’s whole scenes that my brain has stored and the only way to access it is through that song.

  13. This is ace, I love this post.

    Sometimes these are the questions that we are too afraid to ask ourselves and it’s always good to piggy-back onto someone else’s advice ;-)

    Thanks for the ‘paradise’ poem. It’s exactly where I’m at and sums up what an asshole I’m being.

    Dot x

  14. You’ve all made me a little less scared of the world. Even though none of those questions came from me, the answers (and, to be honest, the questions did as well. It’s nice to know you’re never completely alone, you know?) helped with some things that I’ve always been too scared to ask about. Thank you.

  15. Your formsprings led me to your blogs which led me to other autostraddle homes on the gay internet which led to many hours being inspired to live a little bigger, find out if Cute Coffee Shop girl with Alternative Lifestyle hair is Gay or just a Hipster, come out to my sister, and open up my mouth wide and swallow all the world.
    You guys are extraordinary, thanks for making my day better.

  16. I came out to my dad, via e-mail, the week before my bff’s wedding. He said that he knew and that he loved me and that I taught him how to be a dad, which I thought was sweet. Then, after the wedding, my dad hugged my girlfriend and everything felt so normal that it was disarming.

    Also, this 100% actually happened: “You will sit bitterly at their rehearsal dinners, drunk, sneering, making rude comments about inequality like prop-8-induced-Tourettes.” Too many eyerolls in one weekend to count.

  17. Laneia.

    The first time I read your response (the one that ended with “we were just smaller”) it made my heart want to explode and flutter and stop all at the same time. Because it was so perfect, you know. It is still so perfect. It made me feel happy to see it again. Because it’s possible that I’ve never read anything quite so.. just.. right.

    Like, I want to write it a tiny roll of paper and put it in a tiny container and wear it around my neck on a long chain. So that it rests right against my heart. Is that weird?

    Do you know what I mean? It’s just that… it feels special to me somehow. I guess it’s cause it just helps to remind that nothing is ever that big. We just were smaller then.

  18. i’m done with literature (gawd! one whole hour talking about how the free masons are good guys, REALLY) and have digested the response to my question, and i have to say, you girls are so good with words. i cried for an hour. thank you.

  19. We’re all fucked/brilliant.

    I am so in love with this advise. I want to tattoo it on the inside of my left forearm and look at it every time I feel like the rest of the world is driving me crazy.

  20. I like how you gave a loving perspective to the person with body issues, but it’d be useful to read responses to the body acceptance question in terms of what people who have had that issue have done. In particular, it’d be interesting to hear that from people w/ a variety of builds, dis/ability statuses, gender presentations, etc.
    A lot of what I read for female-bodied people is for bigger feminine-presenting people. That’s great, but for people who don’t feel more embodied and hot by, for example, emphasizing a sweet rack, it’s a different story. I guess there’s a million places to go with this. Anyway.

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