Youtube Retire Bitch: More Internet Haikus

us logging on now:
oh so it’s all nazi stuff

remember spicey
when everyone venmo’d him
somehow miss that time

you hit unsubscribe
and what looms is an email
primed to slap your face

a search so awful
you just bury your laptop
instead of clearing

re: that last haiku
i’ve owned 3000 laptops
the earth’s soil is charged

somewhere as we speak
a mom is sending eight snaps
of her confused face

create a hotspot
but for human connection
turn off your cell phone

oh hell yeah i LARP
l-ove a-mazon’s r-ental p-rice
did i do that right

so i did a thing
i’ll probably delete this
real time language shift

the most savage take
is a webster’s twitter take
hit ’em with words y’all

a perfect image:
tilda swinton reading tweets
curious, she thinks

when we all looked up
after years of looking down
our eclipse reprieve

those road signs that go
“look! drive like your kids live here”
but for sarahah

enjoying a vid
and still i can’t toggle out
youtube retire bitch

do me a favor
bury me in the hashtag

mallory is back
and all is right with the world
except everything

if jesus were real
what medium would he use
thinking periscope

retweeting a crush
a #riskybitch move
credit @yvonnemarquez

20 years later
doing the same thing over
are you still watching

a podcast concept:
worst email you’ve ever sent
called see attachment

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Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.


    • Did they watch a Black Mirror episode and then go “I CAN DO THIS ONE I can do this I can make life even more dystopian and nightmarish than it already is!!” or are they just naturally monstrous?

      • Oh lord, is it a people rating site? I’ve been seeing this Sarahah thing everywhere but haven’t bothered googling it (read: I assumed this was the case but didn’t want it confirmed because no).

    • alternately you can just write things on the internet and then anonymous people will tell you what they hate about you all the time unprompted
      blog comments are the original sarahah

      • This comment thread just shook a dusty memory off some remote shelf in my brain.. Help me out here: wasn’t there some kind of website (eons ago) that ppl could write anonymous things to you in an inbox? It had box in the title maybe… This might have been like, mid 2000s? It was concurrent with MySpace but pre-Facebook I think…

        • Honesty Box? I think that happened in the very early years of FB, but Myspace may still have been a thing then too.

        • Formspring? Although I think that was early Tumblr-era (pre-ask boxes). It changed its name to Formstack and disappeared shortly thereafter.

  1. “the earth’s soil is charged” made me lol and also is beautiful

    these are wonderful and would definitely listen to your podcast See Attachment and would have enough content to guest on it many times

    you continue to be a light in the dark web

  2. The eclipse was really quite fun,
    But after seeing THIS I’m really done,
    On CNN Live was Trump,
    Who pulled an idea out of his rump,
    And looked directly at the sun

  3. when we all looked up
    after years of looking down
    our eclipse reprieve

    This is genuinely touching

  4. If I owned a cafe I’d print out ‘create a hotspot’ and pin it to a wall in the cafe


    (erin, i feel like you share the ortbergian quality of: instantly attributable by headline alone. thank you for filling part of the void in my heart left by the toast’s demise!)

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