It’s Gay Christmas, my dear LGBTQ family, and what would a celebration be without another round of Trashology? That’s right. This column is called Trashology because it’s “pop” astrology, not like, real in-depth astrology. But, no need to fear…yet because we do in fact have a queer astrologer who writes for us! So go get your October horoscopes before they turn into pumpkins!.
And now, I’m going to give you not one, not two, but three horror movies that capture your sign’s evil essence. And when I say evil, I do in fact mean the aspects of your sign that are…less than pleasant. Take a look at both your sun and your rising sign, if you dare to peek behind the curtain and stare into the abyss that is your shadow side. Is this in any way an endorsement of these movies or an implication that they’re good, bad or otherwise? No, this is about the energy these horror flix bring and how the evil aspects of your zodiac sign are matching that energy. Much like drawing three Tarot cards in a reading to get a sense of a situation from multiple sides (and I am, in fact, a Tarot reader with 20+ years of experience), we are looking at three movies that reflect your sign’s nefarious side, the skeletons in your closet (or maybe deep freezer), the monster under the mask. This is maybe more trick than treat, so, in advance, you’ve been warned!
Spoiler warning: This is about the twist. It’s not immoral in and of itself to jump quickly to conclusions, Aries, but your tendencies to make assumptions and to, at times, assume bad faith intentions on the part of others can lead to disastrous consequences! Like nearly everyone at your party getting killed! Also, Pete Davidson gives off Aries vibes, even though I looked him up and he’s a Scorpio. So, bonus points for that.
The Purge films, all of them.
The concept of “The Purge” sounds like something my dad, an Aries, would come up with when trying to imagine a way to solve societal issues. He’d be like “universal healthcare…and maybe a purge.” That’s Aries energy, sorry. Why do you always feel like a hammer and like everything looks like a nail? Your blanket solutions are not really going to solve anything longterm, and likely, they’ll make things worse. Also, though, the absolutely ham-fisted anti-Capitalist-ish eat-the-rich-ish bent of these movies likely also speaks to your fiery heart, dear Aries. But you know, maybe think twice before metaphorically declaring THE PURGE in your life. I know you won’t listen, but you know, had to say it.
Sometimes you can really keep up that innocent act, Aries, when you are in fact, plotting and scheming and up to no good. I don’t know if it’s because you do in fact have charm and a youthful charisma, but you can genuinely make people forget today that you were only just calling for The Purge yesterday. When you’re at your worst, you absolutely give off Antichrist — but dressed up as a little kid.
You long for structure, and you’re stubborn as heck, so, surface level, you’d be truly at home in the cult in Midsommar. However, what we’re here to talk about Taurus, is how deep down, you long for someone else to do your dirty work for you. You like to put on a big show about sticking up for yourself, but sometimes you can’t get out of your head and you find yourself assuming a more passive role, avoiding confrontation. But when that happens, you’re more than willing to engage in an unhealthy codependency with other people or even a whole cult who will help propel the confrontation forward. The problem, though, is there’s no nuance, is there, when you both ask for and give unwavering loyalty against the people you consider your enemies. Your ex sucked, sure, but they aren’t pure evil. I’m not sure they deserve what your friends have planned for them, Taurus. Maybe you just should’ve talked!
I Know Who Killed Me
Your capacity for holding really petty grudges can get the best of you, Taurus! (And then Lindsay Lohan is going to come get you, sorry.) Like, the revenge situation against Lindsay Lohan’s one character in this is so wild? I believe her offense was…not playing piano? So her piano teacher kidnaps her??? That’s you at your worst, Taurus. Calm down.
The Blair Witch Project
This movie has the energy of a bunch of earth signs yelling at each other while camping in bad weather. If you’re going to do a group project, Taurus, you need to remember you actually are not a very chill sign and you have a short fuse and a tendency to lash out when your blood sugar is low. Pack plenty of snacks, take breaks, and maybe don’t plan a multi-day camping / hiking excursion to find a local witch with some classmates because you know what? You’re going to get grumpy.
Geminis are GREAT friends. But also, you don’t deal with rejection well. You might appear to have a healthy attitude about it, but I know it secretly eats you alive. You might channel this into working harder, making new friends and connections, or working on your “glow up,” but at the end of the day, being told “no” under the wrong circumstances is sure to send you over the edge. You’re not unlike M3gan, in that way. You should be perfect. You want to be perfect. But other people aren’t letting you be perfect!
When people talk about watching out for Geminis, I think they’re often referring to the way you can weave a narrative, spin a personal story or present yourself just the way you like to be seen. This is even more pronounced over social media. In the darkest recesses of your heart, Gemini, you’re tempted to be like Sissy, to take a short-cut around authenticity and to just construct a mask that serves your goals, instead.
You creep! Both of Lupita Nyong’o’s characters in Us, besides the twinning aspect that runs through this film, capture the heart of what can make Geminis so chilling. You, Gemini, can commit to a bit so well that I can never be sure that you’re really who you say you are, that you really feel the way you claim to feel, what you’re actually thinking, deep down. You’ve got layers upon layers and only the first few are penetrable. We just have to hope that deep down, we’re in your good books.
Yes, Cancer, the Witch Mommi vibes of Suspiria suit you, but this is about the evil that lurks within you, which is not the same as the hot witch. Cancer, it’s one thing not to let people in past your hard exterior, to keep your secrets and your spells to yourself. It’s an entirely other thing to want the facade of whatever realm you’ve taken ownership of to appear perfect, no matter what’s going on behind the scenes. The problem with this, dear Cancer, is that when you invite other people into this space — a home, a friend group, a relationship, a workplace, whatever it might be — they only know about the good parts and the good parts appear so much grander than the drawbacks. This leaves the unsuspecting people who’ve been drawn in by your cookie cutter presentation vulnerable to stumbling, to getting hurt. You’ve constructed a dancing school and painted it with prestige, but what’s inside? Witches, pain, sacrifice, and people who should be caring but who actually have their own agendas. It’s a bit evil because it’s a bit selfish, isn’t it, and because it’s not treating the people around you like they’re humans, adults who deserve to know the whole truth.
The killer in this one (spoilers, the superhost) gives me Cancer energy when a Cancer is at their most frenetic, least secure. The host is simultaneously bubbly and nosy, over-attentive and invasive and, for whatever reason, obsessed with the running of her small business. Deep down, Cancer, I know there are times where you want to conveniently “forget” other peoples’ boundaries and just jump in there and Make Everything Perfect already because obviously you know best!
What Keeps You Alive
A Cancer that gets tired of harboring watery feelings might get so into building up their defenses that they take it too far, that they stop feeling altogether. The murderous Jackie explains to Jules that she never had any feelings. A Cancer that gives into the temptation to be all hardness, to reject their inner softness, their crab rangoon filling, is a dangerous person.
“I’m a star!” We know. We know. We’re sorry. Please don’t hurt me! You, Leo, at your worst, can get quite upset when the world doesn’t see the talent, the sparkle, the shine you so clearly see in yourself. But the world doesn’t revolve around you! I’m sorry!
Much like the creep in Creep, you can also be overbearing when you let your ego get the best of you. You want to control every detail, and that includes what other people are doing around you. But please, PLEASE don’t make anyone film you having “tubby time.”
When you’re into someone, Leo, you’re into them, focused on them, loyal to them. But if you’re not careful, you’ll wind up promising the world to to someone you’re not that serious about. And, while they may not be cursed to an eternity of withering and decay like David Bowie is in this movie when Catherine Deneuve moves onto Susan Sarandon (an understandable choice), they’re certainly going to have their heart broken. Naughty of you!
This psychological thriller about a pop idol struggling as she starts to pursue a career as an actress is terrifying even though it’s animated, and so is your ability to wear yourself down to a nub with your relentless self-criticism. When you turn your critical eye to yourself, it can feel like you’re haunting yourself, taunting yourself, holding yourself up to impossible standards and flagellating yourself when you fall short. You’re your own tormenter, Virgo. It’s pretty scary.
Judgey judgey! Spoilers: In this movie, the killer(s) pursue people who aren’t taking COVID quarantine and social distancing protocol seriously. The fact that they’ve taken this vigilante justice on themselves? It’s a lot! When unchecked, your self-righteousness can turn into a weapon you’re wielding against others, Virgo.
The Saw Movies
Stop! Judging! People! You could use to remind your inner Jigsaw that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
First of all, we KNOW you can’t resist showing other people a video you found. Second of all, that moment in the movie where Naomi Watts’ character briefly convinces herself that Samara is in fact just a ghost in need of saving and not inherently evil — Libra move. Sometimes people just have bad intentions, Libra! You gotta learn to spot it so you don’t wind up at the bottom of some well hugging a girl who’s about to be making VHS tapes in a world of DVDs. And maybe if you were a bit more aware and didn’t give into your people pleasing tendencies so often, you wouldn’t feel the need to overcompensate by cutting people out when you’ve finally decided that they’ve hurt you too much. This! Isn’t! Balance!
Swarm (I know it’s a TV series, but it’s basically a long movie)
Listen, Libra, you give up on people and cut them out of your life (hopefully not as literally as Dre does in Swarm, but hey you do you) too easily sometimes! You pretend you’re a fair and balanced person who gives a lot of second chances, and you do and are a lot, but sometimes…you just nope right out of a relationship, never speak to someone EVER AGAIN. It’s not healthy! I know they did you wrong, but you are just going “snip snip snip” and if you keep trimming, what are you going to have left?
The tragedy behind the ending of Carrie is that there were a few people making fun of her, a decent number of people who felt neutral about Carrie, and a few people starting to care about her, and then she freaks out and burns just about everyone because she hasn’t done any work on her trauma and she doesn’t know how to direct her hurt. Better to burn it all down than suffer any further! Libra, sometimes you’re trying to balance the scales, to see both sides of something, but woah when the scales tip too far, or, even worse, when someone takes a stab at (or dumps a bucket of pig’s blood on) your ego, you will burn a bridge (school).
Scorpio, when you don’t remember that other people are their own people, you can be just like a cenobite. Not everyone likes the exact same things you do, and they don’t suck if they don’t! Just because you’re into something niche or dark or scary, it doesn’t make you better than other people. But in that sharp, scorpion mind of yours, you might let yourself feel superior and that will keep you lonelier than anything — and hurt other peoples’ feelings in the process. But it’s a self-perpetuating cycle isn’t it? You distance yourself because you think you’re better, and then you have to think you’re better to explain why you feel so alone.
Scorpio, we know you’re loyal. You’re amazing for that. However, sometimes, you put up with too much from a partner and you let things go too far. You would totally just quietly accept a little soft butch lamb/human hybrid that you believe your partner fathered in an act of bestiality and raise it as your own without breaking up with them. But what’s wrong with you??? Don’t you want better for yourself? Wake up, Scorpio!
It’s the fucking worst when you can’t tell what a Scorpio’s thinking or why they hate you so much! Or if they hate you! Maybe this is just their face! Throughout this movie, there’s no reason given as to why these three masked people are terrorizing and torturing this couple. You can lock your reasoning and your feelings away in a vault, Scorpio, but it doesn’t keep you safe, it just keeps you from others.
The Evil Dead
You would open the book. You would read the book. You would be all like “Hey, guys! I found a book! And some records! A lot of cool stuff down here! Kind of creepy though! I’m gonna put it on Instagram,” because you also can’t resist letting everyone else know how smart and inquisitive you are. You’re also into Eldritch horrors and I do suspect that you kind of want to fuck them? Like you feel as sexual about monsters as they feel about you? Also, giggling and mocking someone else with your knowledge like a deadite is a Sagittarian vibe. Your desire, your insatiable need to be the smartest or most interesting person in the room might sometimes be cleverly disguised, but I think we all know what’s going on (and it’s not that you have ancient and ineffable arcane knowledge).
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
Sagittarius, you’re fun and all, but you’re not always the most honest. If I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, then I might think that you genuinely believe others are in on the game, in on the joke. But your desire to manipulate another person’s reality with your words isn’t a game someone else can consent to if they haven’t been let in on the fact that they’re playing, Sagittarius.
You’re really the least scary of the fire signs, dear Sag. When a Sag is dealing with someone who hurt them, then much like the ghost in this movie, you’re inclined toward revenge, sure, and you might even get it, but you’re also going to be a miserable sad sack the whole time. For you, anger and despair are often intertwined. How dare someone interrupt your carefree adventures in order to cause you hurt?! You’re no stranger to crying rage tears. Dear Sagittarius, take care of yourself out there. Because this isn’t it.
Dost thou like the taste of butter? Yes. You are grabbing that quill. You are signing that book. You are done with this dull life. Capricorn, you’re always after something better, something tastier, something that more exciting. At your worst, it doesn’t matter to you who you discard on the way, who you hurt, who you betray.
You didn’t talk about your feelings and now your depression is a Literal Monster. At least he’s a gay icon. You should work on that though, and also on not making your issues other peoples’ issues in a projection kind of way.
When you’re pissed off Capricorn, you’re relentless, like a dog with a bone. I suppose you’re just applying the same level of commitment that you do to any other task, but making sure, really making sure, that whoever you’re upset with gets the message that you are in fact now their enemy, really does get kind of scary, especially when you don’t leave well enough alone when it’s been time to leave things alone. Stop stalking your ex on Instagram, at the very least!
Not enough people talk about your flakiness, dear Aquarius, but here’s the thing, you don’t always flake, but when you do flake, it’s epic and it can leave a lot of people in a lurch, probably because you’ve promised a lot. And then you’ll just be like “oopsie” or deny that it was even that bad! Much like the medium in Host who opens a PORTAL to the SPIRIT REALM that allows a MURDER DEMON through and into everyone’s homes via a Zoom call, and who then peaces out because her internet isn’t working, you, Aquarius, can sometimes have a dangerous relationship with [not] taking responsibility.
Aquarius, you’ve got a god complex, for one, and that god complex can lead you to treating the world like your own personal psy-op. But have you ever considered not trying to MK-Ultra everyone and to, instead, maybe make some friends? No? You’re going to become a cult leader, instead? Because you’re too smart and visionary and brilliant to have friends, you’re supposed to have followers? Great.
The Mothman Prophesies
You were right! Like Mothman, you warned everyone, they didn’t understand or didn’t listen, and then they learned the hard way that you were in fact right. The problem, Aquarius, and the thing that it wouldn’t hurt to set your ego aside (as we’ve been discussing) and unlearn, is the fact that you don’t have a shred of empathy for the people who didn’t listen to you, even though you cared to warn them at one point! Do you only care about people when they tell you how smart you are, and is that then really care?
Not everyone realizes that a Pisces can be super reckless, but y’all have it in you, and you’ll take everyone down with you, too! You can lie just long enough to get everyone together in an unmapped cave, and then next thing you know, it’s all broken bones and carnivorous cave creatures. The risks you take aren’t just risks that affect you, Pisces! You and others are not immortal or indestructible even though sometimes you forget that. Be more considerate and careful with other people and their lives!
Even if you’ve never been married, I feel like all Pisces carry a “divorced” energy to them. Maybe it’s because you’re an old (divorced) soul. But the reason this movie is here, Pisces, is because when you decide to cut someone out of your life, it is so sudden and the silent treatment you’re capable of is monstrous. You know how to add in other elements, like glaring, crying diabolically, all sorts of things to really amp up the discomfort. Terrifying of you.
This dreamy, watery, artsy, mermaid horror film has Big Pisces Energy. It also, because it’s based on the original telling of The Little Mermaid, has a story of unrequited love, of codependency, of pining. Pisces, you’re at your most destructive (and self-destructive) when you’ve decided to fixate on a person. You’ll convince yourself that they’ll solve all your problems, and then next thing you know you’re getting surgery to replace your mermaid tail with legs for a situationship that doesn’t even treat you right. This is not a noble quality Pisces! It’s not serving you or others to let yourself live in limerence like this.
Thank you for reading and for consenting to being read. Don’t worry, I don’t actually think you’re evil. Oh, and if it makes you feel good to know that you’re giving off Elvira energy this Halloween, then you, in fact, are. And, and, and if anyone wanted to grace me with a photo of their pets dressed up for Halloween in the comments, for absolutely no reason, I wouldn’t say no!