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According to every cover of every straight woman’s magazine on the face of the earth, the main thing women want to know if they’re good at having sex. But we are not straight women. We are queer people. And we know what the answer to that question. Well, kind of. Mostly. We have a general idea. For this week’s Monday Roundtable we asked ourselves and each other: Hey pal, what makes you good in bed? Some of us sought answers from our activity partners. Some of us just knew the answers in our hearts. All of us, it turns out, are very on brand … in bed.

Heather, Senior Editor

You know those guys in movies and comic books (and real life, I guess) who throw themselves on top of bombs to save their friends? That’s my thing in real life, but metaphorically, and the bomb is awkwardness. Anyone who does anything that could make them or anyone else around them around feel awkward, I throw myself on top of it and absorb the awkwardness into myself and no one has to feel it but me. I take on the awkwardness. I become the awkwardness. And I can handle it no problem because I’ve been a weirdo my whole life and I’ve learned to turn it into something endearing that I can be proud of. And that’s what makes me good in bed. Nothing has to be awkward. Not the nakedness, not this or that thing you want to try, not this or that thing you want to try that doesn’t work out, not the amount of time anything takes, nothing you say, no faces you make, nothing you want to stop doing, nothing you want to try again. My spiritual gift is you don’t ever have to feel weird with me.

Rachel, Managing Editor

In general I’m good at reading people — I can tell when someone is upset, when they aren’t being forthcoming about something, when they’re about to not tip even though they asked me to re-make a mocha three times. This is useful in life in general, but it’s also useful in bed! I’ve been with lots of really different people who like and want different things, and I’ve usually been getting into something new and different each time with each person, but that’s totally fine and great! I can tell what you’re into, and how and in what way and why you like it. I mean we’ll talk about it too, duh! But also by the time we’re in bed I’ll already have a pretty good idea, and I can be or do or try the thing that you’re into with a level of intuitiveness that I feel like you’re going to feel positively about. I have a sense of what the things you’re into mean to you, and what they do for you, and I think it’s rad and sexy! Whatever activities you’re into, whatever vibe you want them to have, I’m already aware and I’ll make it happen, don’t even worry about it.

Alaina, Staff Writer

Things that make me good in bed: I say please and thank you. I am good about communicating what does/doesn’t feel good. I am patient with my orgasms (it’s okay if it takes a long time I have all day!). I always smell really great during sex because I take a 45 minute shower minimum before sex. I make really good sex noises, which I hear is really encouraging? I’ll try anything twice. I laugh a lot. I won’t be mad if you fall asleep while eating me out because I’ve done it too.

Kayla, Staff Writer

One thing that makes me good in bed is that I am always down, anywhere anytime. I guess that’s really just a way of saying I’m extremely horny all the time always. Does this make me good in bed? I think so… because I’m basically never phoning it in. Sex for me is always exciting, so I always want to make sure it’s exciting for my partner, too!

Laura M, Staff Writer

An anonymous source has informed me that it’s my ass. I agree! It never quits. If you know what I mean.

(I also don’t take anything overly seriously, which helps.)

Erin, Staff Writer

Heyyy, what a question. I think what makes me good in bed is whatever it is about me that allows someone to be communicative with me in a way that they typically aren’t with people. I think it’s the same thing that causes strangers to tell me their secrets. But it creates this really open line of communication that results in everyone feeling comfortable revealing what they want from each other, which is hot.

Mey, Trans Editor

I’m a really fucking good bottom. I only recently embraced my destiny to be a sub and a bottom, and ever since I did, every person I’ve had sex with has told me “wow, you make me feel really confident about myself!” I’m so grateful for the things my partners are doing to me, I laugh and yell and can’t get a huge smile off my face, I lie there for ten minutes just saying “thank you” after we’ve finished. I get off on making sure tops know how much fun I’m having and how great they’re making me feel. I want to make my partners happy, I want them to feel great, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I want them to feel like fucking all-stars when they’re done with me. Also, I can take a ton of punishment. I love being spanked and bitten and I can last for a really long time. I’ve broken a flogger and asked for more and I’ve started bleeding from being spanked so hard and laughed all the way through it.

Stef, Vapid Fluff Editor

Probably all the crying. I went the extra mile though and took an informal survey of people I’ve slept with who I can still stand to talk to and one of them said “stamina” and the other one said “paying attention, enthusiasm, general skillz” so take that however you will. I’m a Scorpio, this is kind of what we… do.

Molly P, staff writer

People are different in bed depending on their moods, and I really only have two moods when I’m getting down with a babe: Selfish or giving. Luckily, both moods tend to work out well for the person I’m with because one of my biggest turn ons is when my partner gets off. If I’m feeling selfish, shoot, it might just have to happen a few times til I get my fill. If I’m feeling giving, pretty much same thing. The best part is, everyone is different, so their likes/dislikes are different, and my general listening skills come in handy. Heh.

Nora, Fashion and Beauty Editor

I’m a giggler, which isn’t for everyone but is kind of a good self-selecting thing for me and potential long-term partners. Obviously there are super hot, intense times when I don’t feel like laughing, but completely refusing to be silly in bed is a dealbreaker for me. I always appreciate someone else who can find the humor in things, so should one of us emit an errant queef, I try to be that guy too.

KaeLyn, Staff Writer

People always tell me, “You have so much energy!” which is a nice way of saying, “Wow, honey, you’re really EXTRA.” In bed, though, I’m going to bring that EXTRA every time. I want it now, here, there, everywhere, on a boat, on that table over there, falling off the couch. Even when we’re doing it in bed, which is definitely more my thing at 34 and after 12 years of monogamy, I’m enthusiastic about pretty much everything. I’m loud. I’m kinky. I’m a cheerleader. Want to try that thing? OK! Want me to do that thing to you? OK! Want to do something new to me? OK! Want to totally switch gears midway through? OK! Do you need a break? OK! Do you want to go again? OK! I’m a very sweet (not bratty) bottom who will switch if that’s what you’re feeling into. (I think my top is a hard femme mommi, though. I can’t do daddy, but I’d try my damndest if you really wanted that.) I put a hard stop on very few things so if you’re into it, I will probably be into how much you’re into it even if I’m only 25% into it myself. SO LET’S DO THIS!!! OOOOOKAY!!

Faith, Staff Writer

I’m a dirty Capricorn with small hands who can do a lot of pushups.

Laneia, Executive Editor

I think the thing that makes me good in bed is the opposite of the thing that makes me good at my job.

Reneice, Staff Writer

I give A+ oral. I’ve been told on many occasions that it’s a great talent of mine and I enjoy doing it so it’s a win all around. I just really love eating women out. I also have a very sexy but warm and playful vibe in bed which makes people feel relaxed and comfortable with me pretty quickly.

Priya, Staff Writer

My tongue! Just kidding… not really. I mean, my partner tells me how extremely talented I am in that regard (which is a miracle because just a decade ago, I could barely lick an ice cream cone without half of it dripping), but I also think what makes me good in bed is that I love giving first. (Oh, I guess that does include my tongue then…) I try new things, and if I something works rather well, I make a mental note and keep it in my back pocket for later. It often times helps me reach pleasure to give pleasure first, and I absolutely love it.

Riese, Editor-in-Chief

I staunchly voted against this roundtable topic but here I am doing it because I’m a GOOD SPORT which perhaps makes me good in bed? I think you can learn a lot about sex by having it, and more specifically by having it repeatedly with the same person, so being a serial monogamish-ist means I’ve picked up lots of skills ‘cause everybody’s so different! Oddly, I felt like the years I spent as a sex worker coincided with me developing a weird seventh sense I can’t describe, but it’s something about like, being aware of subtle body movements and how to create sexual friction before or instead of Actual Sex? Which turned out to be a thing I was naturally good at. Sort of like if you smoke whatever strain of weed makes you feel that way, but feeling that way all the time. I feel like what I’m really saying is “good at dry humping.” Hm, I just made sex sound like a research project. I uh, asked somebody who might know the answer to this better than me and she said I’m eager to please, obedient, good at talking dirty, being very present/in the mood and also that I can take a good rough fucking. There you go okay I hate everybody bye.

Carmen, Staff Writer

One of the first things anyone learns about me is that I have no chill. Absolutely zero chill. I never saw the purpose in having a restrained or measured reaction to something I enjoy. When I am happy or excited, I am vibrating like a live wire from the inside out. When I laugh, my entire body shakes. When I smile, I nearly break my cheeks in two. An old roommate once told me, “Carmen, it’s like you get drunk on life. Which is good, because it means that your bar tab is never going to be high.”

That’s true, but it’s not the only perk. When I am into you, I am into you. I have learned how to channel all my energy when it matters most. And trust me, I’m a good student. SCRATCH THAT. I am the best student. I’m always eager to do more for you, and there are very few lessons that I have to learn twice. Want someone to slowly build you up, devour you without tiring, even if that means it takes you a while to come? I’m your girl. Looking to fingerbang until we’re both covered in sweat and shivers? That’s me. Is what you’re craving to restrain someone in bed, fucking them until their voice is hoarse from the screams? I’m so about that life. Did we try something new and didn’t work the first time? That’s ok, let’s go back to the drawing board, we can always try again. Problem solving and curiosity is sexy, when you approach it with vigor. It’s most important to me that we enjoy each other. I’m compassionate and patient. I’d rather have sex with a friend than a stranger, and there is nothing I love more than having a good time with a friend. (Oh, and I’m strong believer in keeping a stockpile of extra lube, just in case.)

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