Sexual fantasies that mimic sexual violence are everywhere. The road to modern romantic fiction was paved by ‘bodice-ripper‘ fiction. I grew up seeing cartoon villains leering at tied-up heroines before being halted by the hero of the day. I’m grown-up now. I’m both a victim of sexual violence and I’ve worked in sexual violence advocacy, so I’m especially sensitive to it when I see it.
It’s everywhere.
Our social awareness has evolved to the point where sexual violence is no longer the defining story arc of romance fiction. Cartoons don’t get away with what they used to either. This fantasy has moved online. Fanfiction predominantly written by and for women depicts fictionalized sexual violence as both heinous and titillating — sometimes in the same story. Porn is replete with it. Any pornographic fantasy containing imbalanced power dynamics or workplace sexual advances leans on questionable consent. Fitness coaches and reluctant trainees. The lambasted tale of a housewife paying a blue-collar contractor with sex. Age gap affairs with newly legal companions. There’s also the eye-rolling stuck subgenre that gets pushed to my PornHub recommendations despite my efforts to remove it.
Fictionalized sexual violence is also a hallmark of the precious, beautiful world of kink. I think there’s a reasonable argument to be made that any sexual fantasy with an unequal power dynamic or physical restraint is a fantasy of non-consent.The word ‘no’ doesn’t have to be present for it to be non-consent. We’re surely aware that consent isn’t just ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Forced orgasms, physical restraints, and firm instructions with a strong or else subtext can count, too.
Overt and covert themes of boundary pushing, coercion, and power imbalance are one of the cornerstones of sexual media. That’s not always a good thing, since it’s not paid with an equal focus on teaching the difference between fiction and reality.
Character is who we are in the shadows
I’m definitely not alone with this kink. An oft-cited paper found that more than half the sample of college-aged women had rape fantasies of some kind. The mixed-gender sample in a more recent paper found a 77% prevalence of ‘aggression-related sexual fantasies’ at least once in a person’s lifetime. Research is understandably scarce, and most of what exists is focused on crime and the correlation between violent sexual fantasies and criminal offenses. And while that work is important, it leaves out the majority of people who dabble in these fantasies without being sex offenders. Especially those of us who play the victim’s role in fantasy.
I’m never surprised by figures pointing to the popularity of sexual fantasies featuring non-consent or violence. Given the way sexual interest is structured, I’d be more surprised if society was full of people who didn’t daydream about it occasionally. Bear with me, but we’re immersed in news and stories of sexual violence. Many of us are first introduced to sexual activity via assault and become sexual beings alongside those experiences. On the other hand, the CNC kink itself is under-discussed and carries a weighty taboo. Aspects leak into mainstream sexual content, and kink is widely enjoyed for its taboo, risk, and power plays. This is the perfect environment for a kink to develop.
The forbidden quality of CNC that makes it appealing are also its damnation. Adult sex ed is finally ready to face the idea that sex should be very enjoyable. People willing to talk about more disquieting fantasies are few and far between. In the absence of useful explainers, I’ll take a bite out of the topic.
Taboo daydreams for those who want it
Consensual non-consent (CNC) is an umbrella term for fantasies and sex acts that mimic dubious or otherwise compromised consent. The defining characteristic of CNC is that it’s consensual. It can only occur between capable adults, usually with pre-negotiation. As with any sex act, any boundary violation immediately pushes it into sexual assault territory.
Consensual non-consent is diverse and yes, it does include prepared partners acting out violent sexual assault. It’s not limited to that, though. Other scenarios where consent is imperiled also fall under the umbrella: fantasies of reluctance, imbalanced power dynamics, physical or mental restraint, and inebriation, to name a few.
What consensual non-consent isn’t
CNC is not a cover for abuse. Regrettably, abusers sometimes use CNC or other forms of ‘rough sex’ to obfuscate violence. Like all sex, CNC should be practiced with consent, clarity, and the well-being of all involved. It’s good practice to set the bar for consent higher than normal since the harm that happens if things go wrong can be far more devastating.
Despite the fact that some people (this author included) find kink and CNC cathartic in the wake of sexual violence, it’s no substitute for therapy and social support. This is triply true for people who haven’t processed their trauma but experience hypersexuality or recklessness as a trauma response. Testing out an emotionally risky activity is a terrible idea when we’re vulnerable.
Lastly, CNC isn’t for everyone. If a few small sample studies are to be believed, most people have a violent sexual fantasy in their lives, but isolated incidents don’t equal serious interest. Most people who indulge in CNC-adjacent fantasies via mainstream porn and erotica don’t reach the point of calling their interest consensual non-consent. Even those of us with an avowed interest might avoid the r-word in our fantasies or leave simulated physical violence at the door. CNC is a nebulous, multilayered kink. Everyone who’s interested has very strong opinions about what they want out of it.
The shape of one woman’s consensual non-consent fantasies
In the spirit of keeping it real, I’ll describe my relationship with consensual non-consent.
I learned the term in my twenties and instantly connected it to my interest in BDSM. I’m a switch with submissive leanings. I love restraints, commands, and a sense of ‘ownership’. Learning about CNC didn’t change my existing interests, but it helped me see just how much BDSM draws from taboo, discomfort, and power exchange. Impact play is inherently violent. Restraints inhibit resistance. Pain should not be this fun, but here we are. So many kinky activities are only differentiated from grotesque violence by consent and context. For a lot of us, that’s a win.
My relationship with CNC has evolved as I’ve recovered from trauma (sexual and otherwise). I don’t crave physical violence with sex, but I’m always keen to enjoy the interpersonal dynamic. See, CNC is a vehicle for my trust. I’m an anxious and tightly wound person, but once I trust someone, I lower my boundaries and give them access. My version of CNC is letting a partner do as they want without bothering with my pesky ‘input’ or ‘agency’. I ask them to call me dreadful, degrading things while I enjoy every iota of rough handling. I love the feeling of giving myself over to someone I trust. I extend that privilege with the subtext of anything you want.
It’s not even subtext anymore. One of my tattoos follows the curve of my breast. It says ‘Good girl‘. I recently added ‘Stupid slut‘ and a brace of flowers to my hips. That one tastefully flows down my pubis. These unsubtle nods to sexual submission and degradation are needled into someone with a very strict ‘my body, my choice’ approach to life. That’s how consensual non-consent works in my life. Trauma and difficult taboos interleaved with the primacy of my personal agency. Trust and carefree enjoyment. Respect and comfort.
And not a ski mask or comical fake kitchen knife in sight.
